WET DOG DINNER

My pet turkey went feral and ate Chewy, the nice dog,

Chewy had six puppies to feed, and pets goldfish and frog,

A bonfire made things seem alright,

We roasted murderer turkey that night,

 But the turkey tasted just like wet dog on a log.

Dave's Daylight Savings Time Outfit

Dave just had to start golfing, now that days have gone long,

He was all fitted up with new golf shoes and golf thong,

Not to be mean,

But out on the green,

The thong just kinda looked wrong.

PEEP THE GATOR AND SLEEP

With one less hour of sleep,

I'm afraid, on the road I can't keep,

I'll slide off the edge,

Then the river, they'll dredge,

And find my bones in  gator named Peep.

THE GOVERNMENT IS TAKING MY SLEEP AWAY

The authorities are demanding, I give up one hour of sleep,

But I'm thinking, that maybe, that sleep I should keep,

Daylight Savings Time,

Is a humanitarian crime,

Those who agree, honk your horn and go "Beep!"

TENT CAMPING WITH TILDA

Tilda the Tent kept everyone warm,

Tilda kept heads dry during the thunderstorm,

The lightning came free,

Striking both tent posts and me,

Tilda the tent was now in rag form.

AT DOMINOES I STINK BUT, AT CHESS I WIN WITH DRINK

Little numbers I'm not good to choose,

So at dominoes I was destined to loose,

So I played at chess,

The moves I did guess,

I did better; I think it were the good booze.

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS CONFUSED

Soon we will jump one whole hour ahead,

I'll lose sleep for one week and feel very brain dead,

What is left and right?

Why stop at red light,

And do I pickup our baby or visit grandpa instead?

THE INTERN

There once was an old man,  most called him a Vern,

He worked in TV as an aging intern,

His promotions were slow,

And real pay was a "No",

Vern never gave up, figured soon, come his turn.

PIGS IN A PICKLE

Farley was a chicken farmer, who was allergic to chicken meat,

So he would have to eat chicken eggs, if chicken he was to eat,

One day Farley ate some pork,

And new flavors he did uncork,

So Farley switched to raising pigs, and dined on their pickled feet.

VIGILANTE PORCH PIRATE JUSTICE

Three porch pirates walked into a bar,

Each showed their biggest porch pirating scar,

One lost two fingers to a machete,

Another lost his pelvis to a pet Yetii,

The third got his head chopped, it now floats in a jar.

MY TOOTHBRUSH DROWNED IN A TOXIC POND

My toothbrush fell into the toilet, before it had been flushed,

It was like family, that toothbrush, so now I'm completely crushed,

My 5 siblings hit the toilet first,

None flush, afraid pipes will burst,

Now I must decide my friend's sad fate, I will not be rushed.

THE WINEMAKER BRAGS AND PUCKERS

My homemade wine was doing fine, until the little flies came calling,

The little flies contaminated my wine, and then I couldn't stop bawling,

The little flies had put me in a real bad place,

Their vinegar wine gave me a pucker-face,

My friends want a glass of my bragged up wine, and I just keep on stalling.

MY GARBAGE CAN IS NOT WELL

My garbage came down with the flew,

A truck hit it, and the can was brand new,

It was so sad,

For the can, I felt bad,

For my grief, I think the driver I'll sue.

THE WIND PUSHED ME FROM THE AIR, TOWARD DEATH AND DESPAIR

I was high in the sky with my little plane,

When the sky decided to have a plane drain,

I raced to the ground,

And made a "BOOM!" sound,

Now I walk round my hood with a cane.

THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT, LIMERICK

I saw a pretty butterfly, but it was already dead,

It seems a bird had seen it first, and nibbled off it's head,

But at least I viewed the wings,

All pretty colors, and design things,

So I bought some matching sheets, to be a butterfly in bed.

FENDING OFF DISEASE AND BUGS

Varmints come and varmints go,

Some bring lice; some virus woe,

Don't be a dope,

Wash hands soap,

And shower from head to toe.

MY TWEET, TWEET WAR

I got told off, and it was bitter,

By a bot troll, trolling Twitter,

They said I was a stupid quitter,

Said I should shut up, or I'd getter,

I addressed the bot, called them, Dim Witter. 

PRETTY PAM OR THE PIG

Terry had a little lamb, named her Pretty Pam

He treated Pretty Pam, like she was some close fam,

Terry did not remember,

To buy groceries in December,

So Terry ate his little lamb, but spared his pig, named Fatso Sam.

THE PIZZA POEM

MY PIZZA
I went and bought a pizza,
I thought it really fine,
I set out my best paper plates,
And, poured out some red wine,

I invited over good friends,
So, together we could sup,
But, before my friends could get here,
My dog ate my pizza up.

IF YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOLDFISH ALIVE

Mommy says I can't have a puppy, unless I can keep a goldfish alive,

So far that's not going well, no matter how hard I strive,

Most fish die by week two,

Some make it three, just a few,

I fear I may never have a puppy; I just turned 35.

Mommy says I can't start dating, unless I can keep a goldfish alive...

GOLDFISH HEAVEN

Heaven is full of goldfish, thanks to me,

Every time I buy one, they live two weeks, maybe three,

The body goes into the toilet bowl,

One flush separates corpse from soul, 

This is as close as my goldfish get to a burial at sea.

I NAILED TWO BOARDS TOGETHER

I nailed two boards together, but methinks those boards I should have screwed,

I did not have screws or a screwdriver, so I hammered and nailed, so crude,

Now the weather is getting bad,

My boards are loosening, so sad,

Soon my shack will blow away, and to the weather gods, I'll be nude.

CLIFF HAD NINE BOXES OF TOYS-Limerick

Cliff had nine boxes of toys,
He had everything played with by boys,
His girlfriend named Pearl,
Had every toy for a girl,
Their kids just wanted to make noise.

THE ELEVATOR LIMERICK: GOING UP

John's elevator went to the very top floor,
But, when he got there he couldn't open the door,
So, to avoid having a stroke,
John lit up a smoke,
And, the sprinkler started to pour.

 

BACK OF THE TANK PET

It was the back of the tank,

Where my dead goldfish sank,

You'd think after his bloat,

He'd float like a boat,

From the depths, my net gave fishy a yank.

MY FAVORITE JELLYBEANS LIMERICK

The Jellybean Mean by lcb.

I went and bought some jellybeans,
There were reds, and blues, yellows and greens,
But, the purples were the treat,
They were more sour than sweat,
And, rare as defined by any means.

TOASTED TURKEY TO GO

I tried to use my toaster,

I should of used my roaster,

The turkey didn't fit,

So I had to quit,

As a chef I won't be a boaster. 

I BREAK FOR BROTHER BOOM

On the last day of February, I break,

From work, a personal day I will take,

I lite a firecracker for a boom,

Toss it near my brother's bedroom,

Sometimes he's mad, and gives my body ache.

HOW I SERVE MY TATER-TOTS AND TEA

I shop stores and yard sales for teapots,

I buy them as singles, or in lots,

I buy some cause they're  pretty,

I buy uglies out of pity,

I host tea, and serve frozen tater-tots. 

A BEAR AND A BIGFOOT PLAYED TETHERBALL

A bear and a Bigfoot played tetherball,
The Bigfoot won because he was so tall,
The bear was a soar loser,
And, sour mash boozer,
The bear swallowed the big foot and all.

I FOUND SOME EASTER GRASS

I went looking for Easter grass,

I found some growing under an overpass,

I quick stopped my car,

But, I was parked out too far,

And, a semi plowed my car in the gas.

NED SMELLS ALONE

Ned could smell a person flagellate, from across the sea,

Ned could tell if they be flagellating their meds, or meals, or tea,

Ned never kept his friends,

They broke up because of ends,

Ned couldn't keep his mouth shut, and let the flagellation be.

THERE ONCE WAS A BIKER NAMED FARLEY

There once was a big biker named Farley,
He liked to ride around on his Harley,
His tire blew out,
He flew all about,
And landed in a big field of barley.


There once was a biker named Farley,
He drank lots of beer made with barley,
He drank it too quick
Then he got sick,
And he could not ride home on his Harley.

A RAINBOW TROUT NAMED NINA

There was a rainbow trout named Nina,
She had a real pretty patina,
We had our first date,
On my dinner plate,
With a dressing called Catalina.

AMY MADE FUN OF HER BIG SISTER RUTH LIMERICK

Amy made fun of her big sister Ruth,
Because Ruth was missing a front baby tooth,
But, Ruth’s smile had an appeal,
That Amy’s words could not steal,
Amy’s attitude everyone thought was uncouth.

I SHARE SUP WITH MY PUP

The sun made my raspberries dry up,

So, I have no berries for my sup,

Now, I shed many a tear,

When my berries ain't here,

And, end up sharing dog food with my pup.

WRONG TURN AT THE MACARONI FACTORY

I went to the factory where they shape macaroni like bows,

The kind that when you boil it is modestly grows,

But, I made a wrong turn,

So, what did I learn?

Well, it was how to macaroni shaped "O's." 

 

PAUL WENT TO THE GYM LIMERICKS

Paul went to the gym,
He believed he would become slim,
But, Paul loved butter fried rice,
And, fried cheese tasted so nice,
Paul’s weight goal was dimmer than dim.

Paul went to the gym to win,
He was hefty and wanted to be thin,
He worked out each day and each night,
But, on the scales he didn’t become light,
Because with cheesy pizza and pasta he’d sin.

With his girlfriend Paul went to the gym,
He wanted to look better for his girlfriend Kim,
But, one day when he went there,
He saw Kim smooching with Pierre,
So, Paul went pasta binging with big brother Tim.

MY LITTLE RED BARN IS NO MORE LIMERICK

My little red barn is no more,
The snow on the roof pushed the roof to the floor,
And, as for my cows,
They suffered ouches and oughs,
But, their safe though their homeless and poor.

THE LIZARD MAN OFFICIAL LIMERICK

Lizard man hunts in the woods by the bay,
Hunting wild boars and pigs that go stray,
Lizard man can smell,
Hams like a dinner bell,
Once smelled they won't get away.

ICY SIDEWALK HAIKU

Icy, sidewalk, slip,
Strain, unbalanced, fall, impact,
Leg broke, bones heal, spring,

MY TIME LOOP LOOPED ME WRONG

My time loop looped me wrong,

I got stuck singing a grade school song,

I wanted the college scene,

Not the pre-teen in-between,

Now I'm in first grade playing video, Kong.

FULL DIAPERS COOKED IN A CAR, AND BREAKFAST

My pancakes smell like fungi feet,

So no one would give them an eat,

My eggs, no one would chance,

Because of a smell circumstance,

Like diapers, cooked on a carseat.

THE GRADER-GUY SMILES

My mailbox sat in a snowbank and the grader was coming near,

Soon my mail would be all over, because the grader was no dear,

BAM! my mail flew into space,

Grader-guy smiled across his face,

My mailbox was crushed to pieces, so I shed a little tear.

I CURSED THE BEACHES OF SNOW

One fall I sat in a warm sun driven glow,

Then, came the blizzard bringing beaches of snow,

I am not vocally proud,

I cursed profusely out loud,

For it would be six months before the warm glow I'd know.

I WOES MY TOES AND NOSE

I use to have some toes,

But yesterday they froze,

Along with the point of my nose,

So to surgery I goes,

Now for my toes and nose, I woes.  

SNOWY, ICY ROAD LIMERICK

Went out driving in a snowstorm, and lost my way,

Went sliding and gliding into a Lake Huron Bay,

The thin ice I tested,

By the cold water, got bested,

So I'll spend the night; should get pulled out; break of day.

MY SNOW ADVENTURE LIMERICK OPUS 9

I had an adventure out in the snow,

It was drifting and drifting and it gave me a blow,

I did not feel fine,

For the blow broke my spine,

Now off in the ambulance I go.

I WAS SO BAD, I ENDED UP IN CHUM'S CORNERS

I went to a party down state in Pontiac,

Woke up in Chum's Corners in a  tin lean-to shack,

Felt kind of rough,

Ate some strawberry fluff,

Can't go anywhere, because funds I do lack.

FARMER THORN

There once was a farmer named Hank Thorn
He grew the very sweetest sweet corn,
But  along came a flood,
His field filled with crud,
Now he looks at his mud flats with scorn.

THE UNBUNDLEABLE TECH MAN

My tech is too tightly bundled,

It's confusing and it makes me soar,

I'd really like to unbundle the stuff,

And, through what I don't want right out the door,

I've been told I need a flowchart,

To keep me organized,

But, with games, TV, internet and more,

I'm stone frozen, like gorganized,

I call and they say "can I help you?" 

I'm thinking, "that's the first lie," 

Then, they expound on why they can't help,

Then, they hangup with sometimes a goodbye.      

MY FISH FARM FROZE

My fish farm froze with the first deep freeze,
A pond so solid you can skate on it with ease,
But, I don't care,
For I know my fish are there,
And, I don't have to feed them or treat them for disease.

THERE'S A POTATOE GROWING IN MY PARASITE INFESTED PANTS

Last fall out in my garden, I got a tater in my cloths,

It made a home in my painter pants, and now it grows and grows,

Guessing the fert, I had lots of maybes,

Turns out taters love dead scabies,

I now have a tater farm, and my painter paints, I sews.

MY BEAR RELATIONS

Pepper spray was what I used,

When by grizzly bear I felt abused,

Now, his eyes might be soar,

But, me thinks I'm hurt more,

Since, my innards have outwardly oozed.

Tiger, Tiger brush your teeth

Tiger, tiger don't eat my kite,

Or I'll whoop you in a fight,

Make sure your teeth are sharp and white,

When they rip my flesh tonight,

Do it fast because time is tight,

Gotta catch the bus at dawn's first light.

I SWAM 3 METERS

I swam 3 meters and sank down 4,

If I hadn't stopped swimming I would have sunk down more,

Of course, I'm a human,

I'm not a fish,

And, swimming makes my human parts feel very sore.

THE IRS AND MY SUMS

My sums don't work, the IRS says,

They suggested I was high from my diet of  Pezz,

The IRS threatened fines and some jail,

As they read my signed forms with detail,

So, I quietly moved to Juarez.

THE SEA BASS OR CHICKEN AROMA

Allen ate fried chicken and it gave him gas,
He sat and hoped that his bloating gut would pass,
Then, his girlfriend Helen stopped by,
And, Allen passed his chicken fry,
Helen wondered if Allen's chicken was sea bass.

THE POOR ON POOR DINE, MY NEIGHBORHOOD IN DECLINE

Things are real fine in my far neighbor's hood,

The people live within fences, and behave really good,

But where I work, live and stay,

We got the low, low, low pay,

So people have perm borrowed things, when they could.

THE CHOPPER AND MY LOST, MANGLED KITE

I flew my kite on one windy day,

Then along came a chopper that cut it away,

The chopper-man gave me a smile,

While all the while,

My kite blew far, far astray.

I knew that my kite was forever gone,

For I waited up waiting from dusk till the dawn,

And, I feared once in the trees,

My kite would be mangled by breeze,

And, pieces spread over somebody's lawn.