GRANDMA BABYSITTER

While ma worked as a seamstress for grocery pay,

Grandma watched Dorothy each and every day,

Dorothy was real small,

Grandma, big and tall,

When Dorothy's feet hit the ground, Dorothy ran fast away.

OTTO PASSED MASS

Otto's tummy cramped real bad,

That made Otto very sad,

Then Otto did a pass,

Of a hard, hard mass,

It was the largest mass Otto ever had.

CUDDLE BUNNIES

I went out strolling with some little Easter Bunnies,

They ate Easter markdown chocolates, and got the Easter runnies,

The sick bunnies made me sad,

Their recovery made me glad,

They all cuddled up next to me, and became my bunny honeys. 

I'M DRIFTING TOWARD A MEGA STAR

I'm drifting toward a mega star,💀

In my new blue spaceship car,😞🚙

You just don't get a gravity pass,😒

When your car runs out of gas,⛽😱

I do have a backseat wet bar. 🍹🤗

 

THE WAY THAT JOHNNY ATE CHICKEN

Whenever Johnny ate chicken,
You could hear his teeth go a clickin',
He sucked the meat off the bones,
With the most vulgar tones,
And oh yes, he'd be finger lickin'.

THE EASTER PIG

🐖🐖🐖My little pet pig ran off to be free,🐷🐷🐷
But, hunters got him as he hid in a tree,😱😭🐗
Not knowing his name was Sam,🐽🐽🐽
The hunters saw him as another ham,🍖🍖🍖
He was served on Easter Sunday at three.🕒🕒🕒

 

ODE TO THE DAFFODIL

Oh daffodil, Oh daffodil,

Please pop your flower and greet the spring,

For only your iconic flower,

Will give my winter woes a wing,

Oh daffodil, Oh daffodil,

You are the jewel of my little yard,

Which, you festoon with a flower bloom,

Making a centerpiece on my Easter Card.

MY EASTER DAY PIZZA LIMERICK

I ordered pizza for dinner on Easter Day,
Topped with boiled eggs, ham and, a chocolate bunny display,
But, it was so sad,
For the boiled eggs had gone bad,
Those that ate pizza, later on they would pay.

DEAR CAMP.TWO (Nature Does That Reckoning Thing)

I went to dear camp and I got a big scare,

My face was chewed off by an old grumpy bear,

I tried running,

But the bear wasn't funning,

He made me a scat pile of bones and red hair.

ROCKO GOT GNAWED

Rocko went swimming and got the parasites,

Drilled into his skin when he turned out the lights,

Boy did they bite,

They gnawed in real tight,

Rocko is known as most hideous of sites.

ELEPHANT BAD PET

I brought home an elephant, but I think I'll take him back,

The first thing he did was tear the walls off of my shack,

Then he knocked down my trees,

Frightened my honey bees,

Then he ate 12 bushels of apples, which for him was just a snack.

CATERER IN THE WOODS

So a backwoods wedding I could caters,

I went out out and dug some taters,

The main dish, squirrels,

Gave the guests bad hurls,

None wanted tater salad, made with eggs from gators.

I AM A SMALL SPIDER

I am a small spider that got washed away,

Now I am stuck on the ground, in the wet clay,

So I'll swim like a duck,

Climb up from the muck,

Build me a web, and there my eggs I will lay.

MONKEY CY, CRY

There once was a little monkey named Cy,

When he smelled a banana, he'd cry,

It reminded him of mommy,

She was accused being commie,

Then whisked off to prison without a "bye".

DEAD POET GARBAGE CROW

The garbage pickup runs real slow,

Why that is, I really don't know,

Number of bears, grow,

Cheered on by a crow,

Or, is it a Raven, like by Edgar Allen Poe.

BENNY BIGFOOT WENT TO A BAR OWNED BY BEARS LIMERICK

Benny bigfoot went to a bar owned by bears,
They did not want to see him, but his roar gave them scares,
After he drank a few brew,
He felt hungry too,
The bear stew was good except for the hairs.

POACHED EGGS WITH LEGS

Dave went out into the woods to poach his self some eggs,

The eggs had baby chicks within, complete with little legs,

That made Dave feel really sad inside,

So, in his hankie he cried and cried,

Dave now steals from chicken coups, when caught, his life he begs.

DAVE POACHED DEER

Dave poached deer in seven counties,

And, on his head there were twelve bounties,

But, Dave saw a need,

He had mouths to feed,

Now, he's been jailed by county Mounties.

AN APRIL FOOL'S PLAN

I suppose I should plan an April Fool's joke,

One not so scary it would make someone croak,

Maybe one big surprise,

A day I tell no one lies,

Yet, perhaps the truth might give someone a stroke. 

THE PROMISES, PROMISES LIMERICK

"Promises, promises" my fiance would say,
She said that to  me almost every day,
Then, she became most annoyed,
When I chose to avoid,
Making promises I wouldn't keep anyway.

A TRUMPETER DOES SIN AND THE FIRST VIOLIN

I played my trumpet, but it was not near in tune,

I got lots of complaints from the conductor, real soon,

I admitted my sin,

Tuned with the first violin,

We fell in love and were married by noon.

I FOOL AND DROOL

Because I did not well in school,

My teachers called me the school fool,

Not a teacher's pet,

I'm a Cub Scout vet,

Lost my front teeth, so I drool.

ZOMBIE EATS

Some zombies eat brains, ears, noses and guts,

I know a zombie that eats only pistachio nuts,

He eats in the stores,

Spills most on the floors,

He just eats what he wants, I only eat  pork butts.

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS

It's the holiday known as "April Fools",

It's the day they close down all the schools,

Daddy locks up his power tools,

Mommy reminds us of house rules,

But puppy, he just farts and drools.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR TIC TOCS AT?

I had no dollars in my pocket,

So I couldn't buy a bottle rocket,

So to feel more fine,

I expressed online,

To the world, I did Tic Toc it.

MY "F" SONG

I wrote for class a little song,

Graded "F", grammar was wrong,

I played pingpong,

A game of Kong,

Then watched monster movies all night long.

MY PET GUPPY GOES TO HEAVEN

Bills are up, cash flow is down,

I skip my sup, don't go to town,

And I'm thinking,

This is stinking,

I ate pet gup, poor makes me frown.

ZOMBIE EATS BRAINS

He just rose up from the dead and started eating people's brains,

But after eating all that gray matter, no memories he retains,

I thought it'd be a joke,

If I gave him a finger poke,

Then he chomped down on my forehead, and gave my skull such pains.

WHAT I DO BEST? I MAKE BOOM!

I built a huge rocket and flew it to Mars,

It never got there, but blew up and made stars,

They were all very shinny,

Did not last; just too tiny,

I guess I'll stick to building exploding cars.

CHILI PIES LED TO BYES

I filled my pies with my special chili,

To share with my sig other namely, Willie,

But he didn't like my pies,

Which brought tears in my eyes,

Now I'm alone, with chili pies, calling Billie.

BAD MACKEREL III: REVENGE AND REVOLUTION

Donny bought a can of Mackerel for a special keto diet,

Mackerel tasted just so, so, but Donny thought that he should try it,

The mackerel made Donny's tummy swell,

Until he shaped up like a bell,

Then Donny's stomach got to gurgling, which made Donny's colon have a riot. 

BAD MACKEREL (THE PREQUEL).

Benny the mackerel was awfully bad,

He scared Sid the goldfish and made Sidney sad,

So I sent Benny away,

Out into the bay,

Where he got canned, and I'm glad.

I SWAM ACROSS A POND OF SCUM

I went swimming in a scum-pond, wearing shorts,

My body got covered with black, squishy warts,

I scissored them off,

But developed a cough,

I've been consuming cough syrup by quarts.

BAD MACKEREL

Mostly mackerel was in the can,

Along with stones, and a rubber ban,

It was dry and chunky,

And not cracker dunky,

The fish was all green, and not at all tan.

The Turtle Life For Me

I like laying eggs in the sand,

Biting fingers off a human's hand

A swim in the sea,

Is the life for me,

I'm a turtle, in a shell, like I'm canned.

THE DINO DOGGIE DUEL

My dinosaur, she pogo-sticked,

Until upon her, a dog was sicked,

But she ran away fast,

Dog's pursuit did not last,

It seems that dog was dino-quicked.

WHAT'S IN THE STEW TOO

Me thinks my stew meat was foreign born,
From overhead flypaper the wind doth torn,
But, the stew isn't for me,
So, I'll just leave it be,
And, say the stew meat is really burnt corn.

THE BALLAD OF DINO TEX

I once knew this big bad dinosaur, and his name was Tex,

Tex got in a bar fight, and ate a Tyrannosaurus rex,

Tex was well endowed,

With a voice that was too loud,

He use to be a unicorn, but got a witches hex.

SHE BE MY DINOSAUR

My dinosaur, she ran away,

To the park, where she could play,

She drank some pond water,

Sat on the teeter-totter,

Then slid down the slide; rest of day.

LIFE IN THE WOODS

A woody was pecking a hole in my door,

A rat was gnawing up through my vinyl floor,

Then a buck and a doe,

Smashed through my window,

Next came the lion that ate me; now I'm sore.

I TOOK MY TIME MACHINE BACK TO THE OLD WEST II

When I took my time machine back to the Old West,
I spilled a beer on Doc Holliday's new vest,
Now, he didn't say too much,
But, his bullet was hot to touch,
So, for a doctor I made my next request.

TURNED IN BY LITTLE GOODY-TWO-SHOES

Little Goody-Two-Shoes has turned me in once again,
It seems that my loud, obscene music is a nasty sin,
However, Little Goody-Two-Shoes,
Don't understand real strong booze,
When loud and obnoxious, is a natural win.

MY NEIGHBOR NEEDS A SHIRT LIMERICK

My neighbor was born with an extra arm and  a hand,
To find a shirt that would fit him he searched over the land,
Then, on one flea market table,
There was a cloth made of sable,
He cut some holes in it and felt royally grand.

LEPRECHAUN: EATER OF WORMS

Kelly the leprechaun eats nothing but worms,
He washes them thoroughly because he does not like germs,
He use to like greens,
Kohlrabi and beans,
But, they were gassy and gave his belly the churns.

 

THERE WAS A LITTLE TEA POT POEM 2012

There was a little tea pot,
And, it began to leak,
It electrified the electric stove,
That made the cook really freak,

The cook ran out of the house,
As the stove glowed and began to spark,
Lights flickered all through the house,
Then the entire house went dark,

There was a little leaky tea pot,
It blew every circuit in the house,
Now the house is abandoned and condemned,
Its tenant is just one mouse.

I DID PAINTS

I wanted to paint my bedroom with colors that make me smile,

So I bought a bunch of discount paints and painted for a while,

My bedroom is small and tight,

The colors are brash and bright,

But upon reflection, I think they reflect my style.

BARRY THE VAMPIRE HAS ALERGIES

There was a vampire named Barry,
He drank blood, but was allergic to dairy,
He ate some ice cream,
Then started to scream,
His mouth became dry and felt hairy.

Fishing Buddies Caught The Big One

Jamie had a big fish on his fishing line,

Jerked, and jerked the pole held up just fine,

Joey held the net,

Hard, the fish was to get,

And, fast went the fish at a dinner with wine.

DAVY: A ROMANCE POEM

Davy has amazing hips,

He acquired, eating chips,

A genetic fluke, gave him fish lips,

His favorite protein is canned kips,

Guzzles beer, water sips.

I BOUGHT A STOCK LIMERICK

I bought several  shares of stock ,
I lost so much money my teeth I did hock,
I thought I had ivory to spare,
Thought I'd grow a new pair,
When I did not it came as a shock.

SMELLY PEOPLE MAKE PEOPLE SNEEZE

Our flight was delayed by 29 hours,

Nobody could get to any showers,

When everyone sneezed,

The entire planed wheezed,

Then we landed in somebody's flowers. 

DONNY EXPANDING PANTS

As Donny's belly pressure grew alot stronger,

He realized his belt size was becoming wronger,

The fat fryer got the blame,

That blame seemed really lame,

Suspenders helped Donny expand a little longer.

I LOST MY TEETH PLAYING TETHERBALL

I lost my teeth playing tetherball,

That smack in my face should have been a foul call,

They almost called my next of kin,

And, the guy didn't need to play rough to win,

I'm 5'2" and he's 7' tall.

I'LL BE GROWING POTATOES IN THE NEIGHBOR'S FIELD, COME SPRING

I wanted to try a magnificent pillage,😈

So I went over to the neighboring village,😁

They had swords over there,😧

I lost head and hair,😢

I now wait in a field for spring tillage.💀

ARE APTITUDE TESTS EVER WRONG?

I took an aptitude test for a job,

While eating buttery corn on the cob,

The results of my test,

Said the job I'd do me best,

Was stuffing food in my mouth like a slob.

I BUY MY. WINE AT DOLLAR STORES

My table wine did not taste so good,

Flavored like the polish I use on wood,

My eyes turned dark green,

Hurt in kidneys, liver spleen,

Discount wine maybe bad, now understood.

CHICKEN EATER, OBSESSED

I eat chicken for every meal,

And to and from work; behind the wheel,

I like chicken for a night snacky,

Or any hunger attacky,

And corn breaded fried chicken, has sex appeal.

IN MY STARS BENEATH THE SNOW

The creatures plot against me; those that live beneath the snow,

They are watching my every move; when I come and go,

The snakes, the rats, the bugs, the mice,

 Fured chipmunks, home to mange and lice,

They all plot my future, and arrange my stars of woe.

CLIFF FALLING, NOT AS SAFE AS IT LOOKS

I fell off a cliff and broke many a good bone,

Didn't hurt while I fell, that changed when I hit stone,

My mind conjured a thread,

With pics of me dead,

I woke up all stapled, and bolted, and sewn.

SKEDGEMOG LAKE RATTLESNAKE NEWS

I jumped into my boat and was bit by a giant rattlesnake,

I did not know how it got there, but I was at ole Skedgemog Lake,

I tried running up the shore, 

Made it to about yard four,

Then I realized I'd soon be honored, with a good old Irish wake.