I WENT TO QUEEN DAY IN SAGINAW

I love monarchs, so I went to Saginaw to visit the queen,

I bought her a pizza, and gave her my candy from Halloween,

I got a queen autograph,

Signed by her big chief of staff,

I then traveled back home, and ate some ham soup with garbanzo bean.

GETTING FIRED ONCE AGAIN HAIKU

Funeral worker,
Corpse, mix-up, mad people, boss,
Undertaker, not.

Car wash, day dreamer,
Much soap, windows down, wax too,
Unemployed again.

41212

BALLAD OF THE LITTLE TRUMPETIER

The little trumpetier,
Played best after drinking his beer,
And, for half a shot and a fin,
He'd back-play violin,
It's too bad he had a tin ear.

7221

WASHING MACHINE BLUES

My washing machine flooded the floor,

A soap river flowed out my backdoor,

The wet wood started to a cave,

Made the crawlspace its grave,

My landlord saw the mess, and did roar.

THE POOR HILLBILLY BILLY BLUES

I'm a hillbilly, and I really needs some more,

They call me Poor Billy, because I'm so dirt poor,

Never had no new shoes,

Or socks that came in two's,

I grew up eating dirt, because dirt was our floor.

JUST EAT, DON'T THINK

Don was so poorly educated, he could not tie his shoes,

He did not know colors, confusing yellows, reds and blues 

But Don knew how to eat,

Lots of starch and fatty meat,

When Don finished licking his plate, more helpings he would choose.

POINTY FINGERS THE TATTLETALE

Pointy Fingers was a tattletale,
He made small crimes sound like a whale,
He would sing like a bird,
But no one ever heard,
They ignored his constant regale.

Pointy Fingers was a nasty tattletale,
He snitched on his friends and made them all bail,
He was not confidence bound,
So, he was not welcomed around,
If he was seen coming in the other directions they'd sail.

PP122921

GASSY SNOWMAN PART ONE

I put beans in my snowman, to see if he would get gassy and grow,

Low and behold he farted, and the fart had a big yellowish glow,

I didn't know whatever to do,

Snowman farting is something new,

I decided to ignore, and gave the snowman a tie with a bow.

I GOT TO WORK WHEN IT SNOWS

I went out to use my snow thrower,
But, something was wrong with the blower,
Then, my snow shovel broke,
And, my old car wouldn’t choke,
To work I’ll hire someone to tow her.

I got to work when it snows,
Or, my future will get a hose,
I'll be fired late today,
When the boss calls in his say,
From Hawaii where, he warms his toes.

111722

TURDS, NO WORDS, HOT TEA AND BIRDS

I got out my teacup, and in it were ten black mousey turds,

I needed drink for sup, and the little turds overtook all words,

I bleached out my soiled cup,

Had it lick cleaned by my pup,

Then I made real hot tea, and ate a can of roast chicken birds.

THE VAMPIRES AWAIT

They stay out in the dark river valleys,
They do not live but, haunt our dreams,
Of their kills they keep no tallies,
Terror and bloodlust are their themes,

What sharpened hooks that bleed our necks,
That takes in life and exhale death,
No mortal signs can craft a hex,
To save our blood and human breath,

The vampires have a certain need,
Though they have immortal powers,
To quench their thirst they make us bleed,
Until eternal sleep is ours.

21621

SEVEN MINUTES TO READY

I get up and get me ready for work,

I'm just a humble, grocery store clerk,

I take seven minutes to ready,

Then have a coffee with dear, Teddy,

And I'm off to be called all day, a jerk.

NEIGHBORS WENT FERRELL AND ATE MY SHEEP

I had lots of sheep, a massive white flock,

I watched them like a hawk, around the clock,

Neighbors needed to eat,

Neighbors saw all my meat,

They took my sheep and clocked me with a rock.

BILLY'S BEETLE DUNG

Billy's cute little beetle ran away,

Billy has dung, but the beetle wouldn't stay,

Billy's dung,

Is far flung,

How far can a beetle run in a day?

HOLIDAY TRAFFIC LIMERICK

The holiday traffic got kind of speedy,
For those going to resorts were all chill pill needy,
But, they brought with them lots of cash,
To fix their rides after a crash,
And, have money left to stay at someplace not too seedy.

52922

CONDUCTOR'S LAMENT: "IF ONLY EVERYONE WERE LIKE THE TRUMPETS"

July second is finally at hand,
Time to rehearse the July forth marching band,
While the drums bang away,
Tubas ompah all day,
The trumpets fanfare on command.

7223

GUPPIES FOR THE FAIR OR FOOD

I raised me some beautiful guppies to sell at the farm fair,

People looked into my guppy jug, and saw no guppies there,

It seems someone's sea toad,

Was in guppy lunch mode,

In the next booth sat that toad, with a big smile and dumb stare.

31624

SLEEP TIGHT TERMITE, SLEEP TIGHT

Sleep tight termite, sleep tight

For you the world is all right,

Your family is all kisses and hugs,

For they don't have issues with bugs,
Like my walls caving in overnight.

5520

AR AND THE ATTACK OF THE HEMORRHOIDS

I have a Doberman dog, I named, Atomic Richie,

AR is laughed at because his hemorrhoids are itchy,

Across the carpet he scoots,

Amongst the laughter and hoots,

Poor old AR is howling in a vibrating pitchy. 

SWATTER HOUSE FLIES

I found my old fly swatter, and swatted a million flies,

Their guts flew into all my food, and that was a surprise,

There were guts in the refried rice,

Guts on every pizza slice,

I didn't tell the kids, so they would enjoy their pizza pies.

THE COMING FREEZE

The cold was ever creeping, real near,

Frosty toes made me quiver with fear,

Woodstove was almost out,

No wood lying about,

That winter, firewood had become dear.

31524

GOLDILOCKS AND THE FOX

There once was an old, old fox,

He bit on a young Goldilocks,

She kicked him in the face,

He gnawed her shoelace,

Ruining her only pair of red socks.

I WENT SALMON FISHING ONE MORNING LIMERICK

I went salmon fishing one morning,
A big fish bit without warning,
He struck with such wrath,
I fell in for a bath,
Now salmon fishing, I'm scorning.

5121

TWINKLE, TWINKLE, STAR GO DIE

There was a little star that twinkled, in the North, March sky,

It twinkled in, it twinkled out, I watched the star, go die,

I thought, those poor, fast freezing, creatures,

Needing that star to heat their features,

All those countless, needless deaths, drew a tear from my blue eye.

31424

AMADEOUS THE SKUNK

Amadeus the skunk left his scent in the air,
Everyone disliked it but he seemed not to care,
One day while all alone,
Amadeus began to moan,
Pining for friends that just were not there.

122814

BLOOD SUCKED AND THEN TEA

There was this vampire, he hung down from an oak tree,

Everyone who passed got a little neck bitey,

Blood flowed like a river,

Which made givers quiver,

They would pass out, but would make it to the next day's tea.

31324

THEFT OF THE SNOW CABIN

I went to the woods, bought a quaint cabin, made out of snow,

So in the summer, I would have a fancy place to go,

On one hot summer day,

I got off, and away,

My quaint cabin was stolen, and I had lost all my doe.

I LOVED AND I GOT GONGED

There are dirty diapers in the morning, and all day long,

Dirty diapers, dirty diapers, I did something wrong,

I use to be in my fish boat,

All day long, I'd relax and float,

Then I spied a beauty on the beach, and life gave me a gong.

31325

CAPTAIN MANGO TOO

There was a starship captain, named Captain Mango Too,

Everywhere the Captain went, he brought along his crew,

One night drinking on planet Mars,

They all got in fights at the bars,

They woke next day in a jail cell, all drenched in puke and poo.

31224

BARRY OWNS A BEASTIE

Barry owns a beastie and Barry named him Little Lee,

Barry found Little Lee in the swamps, eating tic and flea,

Do not know where to begin,

Barry now has clean, nice skin,

The beastie keeps Barry clean;  clings to Barry like a tree.

I GET PAID IN FREE COUPONS

My employer pays in percent off pizza coupons, he gets for free,

I wish I had some real money, so a pizza I could one day see,

Now the toilet has a clog,

Coupons, make a solid slog,

I work for coupon toilet paper, the kids can't flush out to sea.

AI AND THE LAMER GAMER

An AI invaded my Android and ruined every game,

I spent time and money uploading, now every game is lame,

I got stressed out so much,

With reality, I lost all touch,

I just sit before a candle, staring at the flickering flame.

STUPID INVADERS FROM SPACE PART TWO

Invaders from space cut and laid massive stone blocks,

They stacked them real high, like a toddler stacks toy blocks,

Traveled billions of miles in space,

They were so stupid in this case,

I showed them rebar and concrete on some Tic Toks.

STUPID INVADERS FROM SPACE PART I

Invaders from space built a massive pyramid in my yard,

It was a marker for spacecraft, so landings were soft, not hard,

Then I thought "what a big, awful mess",

I taught the invaders, GPS,

The invaders were so happy, they sent a nice thank you card.

THE SNAKE IN THE POOL LIMERICK

A snake fell into my swimming pool,

I guess he wanted to feel real cool,

He chased us all away,

On a hot summer day,

Now "no snakes in the pool" is the rule.

HEMORRHOIDS ARE DESTROYERS OF THE WORLD

Some wanted the world destroyed,

Some put such feelings, on avoid,

Then we all got nuked, 

Radiation we puked,

Just because a dictator had a hemorrhoid.

FARE-THEE-WELL,TURTLE

Fare-the-well, little turtle, as you cross the busy road,

You're being watched by others, including a fox and toad,

Because you do not move real fast,

The toad is seeing, if you'll last,

The fox just loves to see thee, turtle; he's in dinner mode.

31124

THE TOMATO JUICE PHILOSOPHER

I went and bought tomato juice, and drank it from the jar,

I got pulled over by the police, for drink-driving my car,

I could not make bail,

Spent twenty years in jail,

Wife left me for a donut maker; my, ain't life bizarre

I KISSED A BLUE DRAGON

I kissed a blue dragon, and it stung me on the lips,

I swear that the poison went straight to my hips,

It hurt my hips bad,

My eyes teared up sad,

Now I drink with a straw: the only way I get sips.

THERE ONCE WAS A TALENTED OTTER LIMERICK

There once was a talented otter,
He worked as a spinning wheel clay potter,
His kiln blew up one day,
And his house burned away,
He had tried making his kiln burn much hotter.

102723

VAMPIRE POEM

In the distance between the days,
A Vampire was born,
He lived in visual night and haze,
A prince whom many scorn,

Those that journey out into the night,
Where the prince of vampires waits,
Must know he's there not for the fright,
It's the blood that satiates.

Blood drawn deep down from the neck,
By demons made long ago,
Creatures not fit for heaven or heck,
Unloved, undead they know.

Vengeance is a lonely child,
Kept pregnant deep within,
When let loose it's mind is wild,
The base of original sin.

9921

PETER VOWS, BREAKS AND CRACKS

It was Pete's destiny to fall out of his bed,

Break three major ribs, and put a crack in his head,

It was the first day in May,

Pete's announced, big wedding day,

Pete made it to church, where wedding vows were well said.

WHAT KIND OF DANCING DID DOH DAH DO?

Doh Dah was a dancer up in Canada, Sault Ste. Marie,

Every time Doh Dah danced, the police came to arrest, he,

Doh Dah had a club,

He leased as a sub,

It violated zoning laws, so Doh Dah was seldom free.

MUTINY IN THE STEW

I went fishing for a dogfish,

But, all I caught was another log-fish,

So, I fed my crew,

Some log-fish stew,

They mutinied after a sword swish.

MARTY THE SMARTY WANTS YOU FOR DINNER

Marty the great physicist, was a mathematics big deal,

But none of his equations, could predict what was real and unreal,

It racked Marty in his big brain,

He became completely insane,

His conviction for cannibalism, is in court on appeal.

YOU CAN WADDLE FOR FREE

My bicycle got ran over by a big truck,

A good fix would cost me many a saw buck,

My bike's in the trash,

I saved lots of cash,

Now I just walk, more like waddle, like a duck.

I DON'T FEED THE LIONS, MAYBE?

When I see a nasty old mountain lion, I run fast away,

When I get back to my crumbling shack, in my shack I all day stay,

Mountain lions love to bite,

Then haul your caucus off site,

Lions feed you to their kitties, so they grow up to hunt one day.

3824

THAT GNOME GAVE ME RABIES

I went to the woods to find firewood for home,
There I met a mean, nasty, evil old gnome,
I'm not sure which was worse,
His bite or his curse,
I got rabies and my mouth is starting to foam.

51722

DON'T VISIT OFF WORLDERS, UNLESS YOU'RE INVITED

My big brother was vaporized, out in space,

He went calling there, upon an alien race,

There was a picture pattern,

Way out on planet Saturn,

But the aliens didn't like my brother's face.

PET DRAGONS EAT PEASANTS AND NOBLES

My big pet dragon, he just eats and he eats,

Dragon eats one peasant, and then he repeats,

I'm running out of my peasants,

He won't eat cows, pigs or pheasants,

I fear he'll eye me, and my family, as meats.

3724

THE SIMPLE WINNER

I won a set of new screwdrivers at the bingo hall,

I was so excited, when I got that last number call,

My porch has a loose board,

Now if a screw, I could afford?

I could stand on the board, and stand there real tall.

THE HARPSICHORD BLUES

When I play music on the harpsichord,

Everyone's closed eyes, look terribly bored,

My notes don't fly,

I try and try,

At competition, I win no award.

MY FINGERS MAKE ME LOOK SMART

I have a superpower, called arithmetic,

I can sum and subtract really quick,

I use fingers and toes,

For hard math problem foes,

That's my superpower super trick.

DINOSAURS DO NOT MAKE GOOD PETS (A CAUTIONARY TALE)

I went back in time to get a baby pet dinosaur,

I brought back an egg, and thought I had made quite a score,

My dino pet grew gigantic,

Ate all my groceries, became frantic,

He then chewed and swallowed me, because he wanted more.

PP05092022

WEREWOLF

I went into the woody woods,
Late one Autumn eve,
For there had been werewolf reports,
So I took investigative leave,

As a reporter I didn't like to lie,
But, in the forest I lay down,
To wait for that canine sigh,
When the werewolf comes around,

I had walked in on an old two track trail,
Where lumberman chopped down mighty beast,
I was hoping while I laid me down,
I would not be a main menue werewolf feast.

52711

KING BEN

Way far back in the year CE ten,

We were conquered, destroyed by King Ben,

We thought we were burnt toast,

But were cut into roasts,

We then fed all of King Benny's men.

THE ART CRITICISM OF BIRDS

Villagers made my likeness, a statue, and they set it outside,

That was a such fantastic honor, a stimulus for my pride,

The birds came forward day one,

Left their white drippings, a ton,

That started my enemies laughing; in the next village I hide.

RECKONING BY THE ELVES

My kitty likes to tear, rip and shred, elves into small parts,

So on Christmas Day,  we just get one wrapped box, full of farts,

Real bad it makes us feel,

It ruins our Christmas meal,

So we go to the store, and play race with shopping carts.

JUSTIN AND RALPH: THE TEDDY BEARS AND KITTY

Justin was a cute teddy bear, who lived on my top bookshelf,

Justin was so sad, because he lost his best friend, Teddy Ralph,

Teddy Ralph fell to the floor,

Eight shelves down, and what's more,

Kitty ripped Teddy Ralph to shreds, believing he was an elf.  (Stupid Kitty)

DADDY PLAYS BANJO WITH THE ANGELS

Daddy never said goodbye that day,

When daddy took his banjo away,

He left no kiss for ma,

Or beer for grandpa,

If I had known, I'd have begged him to stay.