THE PROMISES, PROMISES LIMERICK

"Promises, promises" my fiance would say,
She said that to  me almost every day,
Then, she became most annoyed,
When I chose to avoid,
Making promises I wouldn't keep anyway.

A TRUMPETER DOES SIN AND THE FIRST VIOLIN

I played my trumpet, but it was not near in tune,

I got lots of complaints from the conductor, real soon,

I admitted my sin,

Tuned with the first violin,

We fell in love and were married by noon.

I FOOL AND DROOL

Because I did not well in school,

My teachers called me the school fool,

Not a teacher's pet,

I'm a Cub Scout vet,

Lost my front teeth, so I drool.

ZOMBIE EATS

Some zombies eat brains, ears, noses and guts,

I know a zombie that eats only pistachio nuts,

He eats in the stores,

Spills most on the floors,

He just eats what he wants, I only eat  pork butts.

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS

It's the holiday known as "April Fools",

It's the day they close down all the schools,

Daddy locks up his power tools,

Mommy reminds us of house rules,

But puppy, he just farts and drools.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR TIC TOCS AT?

I had no dollars in my pocket,

So I couldn't buy a bottle rocket,

So to feel more fine,

I expressed online,

To the world, I did Tic Toc it.

MY "F" SONG

I wrote for class a little song,

Graded "F", grammar was wrong,

I played pingpong,

A game of Kong,

Then watched monster movies all night long.

MY PET GUPPY GOES TO HEAVEN

Bills are up, cash flow is down,

I skip my sup, don't go to town,

And I'm thinking,

This is stinking,

I ate pet gup, poor makes me frown.

ZOMBIE EATS BRAINS

He just rose up from the dead and started eating people's brains,

But after eating all that gray matter, no memories he retains,

I thought it'd be a joke,

If I gave him a finger poke,

Then he chomped down on my forehead, and gave my skull such pains.

WHAT I DO BEST? I MAKE BOOM!

I built a huge rocket and flew it to Mars,

It never got there, but blew up and made stars,

They were all very shinny,

Did not last; just too tiny,

I guess I'll stick to building exploding cars.

CHILI PIES LED TO BYES

I filled my pies with my special chili,

To share with my sig other namely, Willie,

But he didn't like my pies,

Which brought tears in my eyes,

Now I'm alone, with chili pies, calling Billie.

BAD MACKEREL III: REVENGE AND REVOLUTION

Donny bought a can of Mackerel for a special keto diet,

Mackerel tasted just so, so, but Donny thought that he should try it,

The mackerel made Donny's tummy swell,

Until he shaped up like a bell,

Then Donny's stomach got to gurgling, which made Donny's colon have a riot. 

BAD MACKEREL (THE PREQUEL).

Benny the mackerel was awfully bad,

He scared Sid the goldfish and made Sidney sad,

So I sent Benny away,

Out into the bay,

Where he got canned, and I'm glad.

I SWAM ACROSS A POND OF SCUM

I went swimming in a scum-pond, wearing shorts,

My body got covered with black, squishy warts,

I scissored them off,

But developed a cough,

I've been consuming cough syrup by quarts.

BAD MACKEREL

Mostly mackerel was in the can,

Along with stones, and a rubber ban,

It was dry and chunky,

And not cracker dunky,

The fish was all green, and not at all tan.

The Turtle Life For Me

I like laying eggs in the sand,

Biting fingers off a human's hand

A swim in the sea,

Is the life for me,

I'm a turtle, in a shell, like I'm canned.

THE DINO DOGGIE DUEL

My dinosaur, she pogo-sticked,

Until upon her, a dog was sicked,

But she ran away fast,

Dog's pursuit did not last,

It seems that dog was dino-quicked.

WHAT'S IN THE STEW TOO

Me thinks my stew meat was foreign born,
From overhead flypaper the wind doth torn,
But, the stew isn't for me,
So, I'll just leave it be,
And, say the stew meat is really burnt corn.

THE BALLAD OF DINO TEX

I once knew this big bad dinosaur, and his name was Tex,

Tex got in a bar fight, and ate a Tyrannosaurus rex,

Tex was well endowed,

With a voice that was too loud,

He use to be a unicorn, but got a witches hex.

SHE BE MY DINOSAUR

My dinosaur, she ran away,

To the park, where she could play,

She drank some pond water,

Sat on the teeter-totter,

Then slid down the slide; rest of day.

LIFE IN THE WOODS

A woody was pecking a hole in my door,

A rat was gnawing up through my vinyl floor,

Then a buck and a doe,

Smashed through my window,

Next came the lion that ate me; now I'm sore.

I TOOK MY TIME MACHINE BACK TO THE OLD WEST II

When I took my time machine back to the Old West,
I spilled a beer on Doc Holliday's new vest,
Now, he didn't say too much,
But, his bullet was hot to touch,
So, for a doctor I made my next request.

TURNED IN BY LITTLE GOODY-TWO-SHOES

Little Goody-Two-Shoes has turned me in once again,
It seems that my loud, obscene music is a nasty sin,
However, Little Goody-Two-Shoes,
Don't understand real strong booze,
When loud and obnoxious, is a natural win.

MY NEIGHBOR NEEDS A SHIRT LIMERICK

My neighbor was born with an extra arm and  a hand,
To find a shirt that would fit him he searched over the land,
Then, on one flea market table,
There was a cloth made of sable,
He cut some holes in it and felt royally grand.

LEPRECHAUN: EATER OF WORMS

Kelly the leprechaun eats nothing but worms,
He washes them thoroughly because he does not like germs,
He use to like greens,
Kohlrabi and beans,
But, they were gassy and gave his belly the churns.

 

THERE WAS A LITTLE TEA POT POEM 2012

There was a little tea pot,
And, it began to leak,
It electrified the electric stove,
That made the cook really freak,

The cook ran out of the house,
As the stove glowed and began to spark,
Lights flickered all through the house,
Then the entire house went dark,

There was a little leaky tea pot,
It blew every circuit in the house,
Now the house is abandoned and condemned,
Its tenant is just one mouse.

I DID PAINTS

I wanted to paint my bedroom with colors that make me smile,

So I bought a bunch of discount paints and painted for a while,

My bedroom is small and tight,

The colors are brash and bright,

But upon reflection, I think they reflect my style.

BARRY THE VAMPIRE HAS ALERGIES

There was a vampire named Barry,
He drank blood, but was allergic to dairy,
He ate some ice cream,
Then started to scream,
His mouth became dry and felt hairy.

Fishing Buddies Caught The Big One

Jamie had a big fish on his fishing line,

Jerked, and jerked the pole held up just fine,

Joey held the net,

Hard, the fish was to get,

And, fast went the fish at a dinner with wine.

DAVY: A ROMANCE POEM

Davy has amazing hips,

He acquired, eating chips,

A genetic fluke, gave him fish lips,

His favorite protein is canned kips,

Guzzles beer, water sips.

I BOUGHT A STOCK LIMERICK

I bought several  shares of stock ,
I lost so much money my teeth I did hock,
I thought I had ivory to spare,
Thought I'd grow a new pair,
When I did not it came as a shock.

SMELLY PEOPLE MAKE PEOPLE SNEEZE

Our flight was delayed by 29 hours,

Nobody could get to any showers,

When everyone sneezed,

The entire planed wheezed,

Then we landed in somebody's flowers. 

DONNY EXPANDING PANTS

As Donny's belly pressure grew alot stronger,

He realized his belt size was becoming wronger,

The fat fryer got the blame,

That blame seemed really lame,

Suspenders helped Donny expand a little longer.

I LOST MY TEETH PLAYING TETHERBALL

I lost my teeth playing tetherball,

That smack in my face should have been a foul call,

They almost called my next of kin,

And, the guy didn't need to play rough to win,

I'm 5'2" and he's 7' tall.

I'LL BE GROWING POTATOES IN THE NEIGHBOR'S FIELD, COME SPRING

I wanted to try a magnificent pillage,😈

So I went over to the neighboring village,😁

They had swords over there,😧

I lost head and hair,😢

I now wait in a field for spring tillage.💀

ARE APTITUDE TESTS EVER WRONG?

I took an aptitude test for a job,

While eating buttery corn on the cob,

The results of my test,

Said the job I'd do me best,

Was stuffing food in my mouth like a slob.

I BUY MY. WINE AT DOLLAR STORES

My table wine did not taste so good,

Flavored like the polish I use on wood,

My eyes turned dark green,

Hurt in kidneys, liver spleen,

Discount wine maybe bad, now understood.

CHICKEN EATER, OBSESSED

I eat chicken for every meal,

And to and from work; behind the wheel,

I like chicken for a night snacky,

Or any hunger attacky,

And corn breaded fried chicken, has sex appeal.

IN MY STARS BENEATH THE SNOW

The creatures plot against me; those that live beneath the snow,

They are watching my every move; when I come and go,

The snakes, the rats, the bugs, the mice,

 Fured chipmunks, home to mange and lice,

They all plot my future, and arrange my stars of woe.

CLIFF FALLING, NOT AS SAFE AS IT LOOKS

I fell off a cliff and broke many a good bone,

Didn't hurt while I fell, that changed when I hit stone,

My mind conjured a thread,

With pics of me dead,

I woke up all stapled, and bolted, and sewn.

SKEDGEMOG LAKE RATTLESNAKE NEWS

I jumped into my boat and was bit by a giant rattlesnake,

I did not know how it got there, but I was at ole Skedgemog Lake,

I tried running up the shore, 

Made it to about yard four,

Then I realized I'd soon be honored, with a good old Irish wake.

MY WAR WITH LEPRECHAUN (WAR OF THE DAISIES).

A leprechaun ate my garden of daisies,

When I saw my garden, I got the crazies,

So I grabs me a stick,

For that leprechaun, sick,

But, he tazered me first with some tazies.  

DONNY DO NOT SIT, OR ELSE YOU'LL HEAR A RIP

Because Donny's diet he darn, done quit,

Donny's massive girdle did not quite fit,

So Donny's fab brand new suit,

Was a tailor's troubleshoot,

The suit fit; long as Donny did not sit.

BARRY WAS A TWEETIE BIRDIE

Barry was a tweetie-birdie,
But, his tweets were way too wordy,
So, he quit using the vowel,
On verbs, he threw in the towel,
His tweets are now not so purdy.

Barry the singing bird was quite the tweeter,
He said nothing new; he was a tweet repeater,
His tweets were not bold,
They were copies so old,
Barry was just a tweet thief and a cheater.

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE

When there's big sunshine,

I feel warm, fine,

Fresh air with a whiff of pine,

I own the day; it's mine,

On the back porch I will wine and dine.

PLIGHT OF THE TUMBLED ME

Down the mountain I skied with fantastic skill

And the mountain I skied was no bunny hill,

Then came a horrible stumble,

I took a half mile tumble,

I work o.t. to pay my hospital bill.

LAST THOUGHTS FROM THE DITCH

Down the highway my car went fast, spinning,

If it were a race, I would have been winning,

But there was a glitch,

I found a deep ditch,

Then regretted I spent my life sinning.

I.PARTIED WITH THE NEIGHBOR'S BEAR

I saw a great big old bear chewing on my neighbor's face,

It didn't bother me since it wasn't happening on my place,

Then the bear and neighbor went inside,

Their bearmance they wanted to hide,

Later I went to visit, brought cold beers, about a case.

PAUL CAUGHT A CATERPILLAR BUT, IT WAS IN A BAD PLACE

Paul caught a caterpillar by sticking a finger up Paul's nose,

The caterpillar spun a cocoon and that's where a butterfly grows,

But, Paul don't care,

For his brain is mostly unaware,

Besides, some real strange life forms grow between Paul's gnarly toes.

WATER CONSERVATIVE WITH NO FRIENDS STANDING BY

Joe changes his bath water every 100 days,

That's why next to Joe, no one long standing stays,

Joe did buy brand new cloths,

Perfumed up like a rose,

Joe smelled fine, but soon returned to his sewage smelling ways.

I SMELLED SOMETHING NASTY TO THE DRAGON, WILLIAM TELL

A dragon came to see me and said his name was William Tell,

I replied that my name was Anonymous, a troll that lived in the well,

He didn't speak French so good,

I don't, but wish I could,

I mainly speak in Trollebic, a language based on smell.

TOLD THE DINOSAUR STORY AND MY FACE IS SORRY

I was told that dinosaurs never existed,

I was told my brain was evil and twisted,

That was such bad news,

That I sang the blues,

For that my face got slapped, and thrice fisted.

A DAYLIGHT SAVINGS POSITIVE RESULT

Now I can golf one more hour,

That gives me some kind of power,

I love to cheat,

To win me an eat,

I just have to remember to shower.

Little Goat Goes To School

Little Goat goes to school,

He gets straight A's, as a rule,

Goat once got a D,

In geometry,

Teach raised it to an A cause Goat's cool.

LITTLE GOAT GOES TO COLLEGE

A little goat ate all my flowers,

In record time, with his chewing powers,

I had to say

"Little goat, go away",

Now he lives in a dorm called The Towers.

THE RAW TRAVELIER

George needed to get his self some chaw,

So he traveled down to old Saginaw,

When George got off the Bus,

The police made a fuss,

For George traveled entirely raw.

WARNING: DON'T CHEW TOBACCO LITTLE VOLES

There was a little tobacco chewing vole,

He lived decrepit in my cereal bowl,

He had lost most of his teeth,

And, some jaw bone beneath,

Only oatmeal fills his tummy and his soul.

THE THREE HARPIES LIMERICKS

Three Harpies sat up in a tree,
Waiting still there just for me,
They were very rude,
They stole my barbequed food,
Now when I barbeque, they won’t let me be.

The three Harpies should go away, I wish,
They won’t leave me in peace to catch a fish,
When my bobber goes down in the lake,
Off my hook they take,
The food I need for my dinner dish.

Three Harpies got into my refrigerator today,
They ate all my food and din't offer to pay,
I now have nothing to eat,
My bankbook is deplete,
I wish those Harpies would  just go away.

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME AND ME

Today daylight savings time, it starts,
So the idle can run around in their golf carts,
But what about me,
I have to get up and can’t see,
I don’t play golf instead, I play darts.

MAXINE AND ROD

There once were two peas in a pod,

Their names were Maxine and Rod,

From their spacious abode,

They were cooked, then they goed,

Crowded into a can like the cod.