I CALENDER COUNT ONLY NICE DAYS

I try to forget every cold, sunless day,

And, it's almost the first day of May,

But, this year I remember just one, 

Warm day with bright sun,

So, the first day of this year it will stay.

A BEAR AND A BIGFOOT WALKED INTO A PUB LIMERICK

A bear and a Bigfoot walked into a pub,
They each ordered a beer and a plate full of grub,
The bear finished his food fast,
The Bigfoot made his food last,
The bear was still hungry because he was a tub.

THE IN-GROWN TOE NAIL

Vic had a toe nail that grew into his toe,
He suffered with pain and all kinds of woe,
He took out a hammer,
Gave a toe a good bammer,
The pain was worse, but how could Vic know?

Vic had an in-grown toe nail,
It hurt and Vic gave a big wail,
His pain was so great,
He cancelled his date,
His girlfriend left; what a sad tale.

BUDDY GOES DITCH DIVING

Buddy got a bad, bad itch,

From wading in a runoff ditch,

I hate to much dwell,

On Buddy's chemical smell,

But it made his eyes go twitch, twitch, twitch.

DECEMBER FULL MOON

It's a happy afternoon,
Under December's big full moon,
We don't have much of day,
It's too cold to care anyway,
The day grows even shorter soon,
That makes saneness seem a loon,

There is plenty more to do,
Though the year is more than through,
The year is slipping all away,
No reliving any day,
For all those passing we will pray,
Though their memories fade away,

As the year comes to a close,
We count our triumphs and our woes,
Our beginning confidence,
All scarred by barbed and razor fence,
Defeat is what keeps us on our toes,
Next year we may enter and not leave,who knows.

I'M FROM PARTS UNKNOWN

The doctor said I was made of parts unknown,

He said I had cartilage where I should have had bone,

My blood was not red,

More a mauve color he said,

And, my heart was a big granite stone.

TEACH + BLEACH = DIRT NAP, NOT BEACH

Politicians I look to all forcefully teach,

You can solve most of your problems with a gallon of bleach,

So, that's what I tried,

Drank their cocktail and died,

Should have just hung out with crowds at the beach.

FLIP THE SHIP

My little, tiny, teeny ship,
Twelve feet of metal and the side had a rip,
I just left the dock,
A wave made my ship rock,
Then over, my ship made a flip. 

SOCIAL MEDIA, I'M NOT ALL THERE

I have been banned from all social media on earth,

All my comments are deleted, from my death back until my birth,

I guess I'll have a munch,

Mostly candy bars for lunch,

I can't gain social media followers, but I increase my girth.

MUSK

I had this friend named Musk,

He had a tooth that stuck out like a tusk,

He drank Ovaltine,

Until his ears turned bright green,

He loved corn🌽, but only the husk,

SKUM, THE RICHEST PERSON ALIVE

Leon Skum was the richest man alive,

He lived in a mansion; his workers lived in a dive,

Leon was very happy,

Making the lives of poor folks crappy,

He would make them so.miserable, that soon they weren't alive.

MY EYES GO BLINK

My chocolate diet drink,

I dumped it down the sink,

It tasted like pen ink,

It made my eyes go blink,

And my bulging eyeballs pink.

JUNGLE DOT LIVES ON MY LOT

Jungle Dot lives on my lot and hides in the backyard yews,

Jungle Dot thought the indoors was rot when she hit her terrible twos,

Now, Jungle Dot may have abandoned her room,

But, when the storms come, inside she will zoom,

Then, she's Dorothy the kid with window yew views.

FROSTING AND THE BEAR ON SKATES

I spotted a bear on ice skates come zooming from across the lake,

He eyed me as I stuffed my mouth with frosting covered cake,

So I dropped my cake and fled,

With hope I would not soon be dead,

The bear stoped to lick off the frosting, so my soul he did not take.

MY LITTLE FISH FARM LIMERICK

My little fish farm sprang a big leak,
Then all my fish washed down to the creek,
Away went my mammon, 
Of fresh farm raised salmon,
Now my dinners will be very meek.

ICE FISH TO FIT MY PAN AND DISH

I only keep the little fish,

Because they fit my pan and dish,

I fish out on the ice,

Each week I go twice,

At least till the hard ice goes squish.

"I HAVE TRINKETS FOR SALE, BEEP BEEP"

I bought a box of trinkets, cheap,

I bought them from a a trinkets creep,

His voice was all nasal,

His breath smelled of witch hazel,

He ended every sentence with "beep, beep".

IT IS JANUARY ONE, ONE

Today is January One, One,

I am so glad last year is done, done,

I got Covid disease,

Got bit by sand fleas,

This year, Nuclear war sounds fun, fun.

GRIEVE AND HEAVE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE

The big ball was dropped on New Year's Eve,🕛🎉🎉🎉🔔

It crushed a guy below, named Steve,🚶

There was not time for us to grieve,😢

The drinks were gone, and it was time to leave,🍷🍸🍹🍻

We all went home to have a heave.   🚽

WARNING: BUTTERMILK DOES NOT COME FROM BUTTERFLIES

I tried to milk some buttermilk from butterflies who flied,

But I did not get no buttermilk, and all the butterflies died,

Woe is me,

I should have set them free,

At their memorial I cried and cried.

,

BETTER LUCK IN 2023

On the Eve of New Year's, I went beddybye,

It was long before midnight so, I missed the old year die,

But it was year of bad dealings,

So I had no feelings,

Save that next year will not go awry.

END OF YEAR AIR TRAFFIC BOOHOO

It's the end for 2022,

Boohoo, boohoo,

No use to fret and stew,

Not much one can do,

But figure out which airlines, that we need to sue.

2022, THE YEAR OF CHANGE

I need to change in the year 2022,

Or it will be another year that I truly rue,

I'll paint my bedroom blue,

Buy all my sweats brand new,

And hang out at classy places with a better smelling crew,

I FED MY PET UNTIL I WAS INSANE

I once had a pet  blood sucker named Pete,

Only my blood Pete would eat,

And as Pete grew much fatter,

I became mad as a hatter,

Lack of blood caused my brain to delete.

MONSTERS GET YOY

We know where the monsters are, they living out in your sleep,

And if you do not keep awake, they will make your kinfolk weep,

The monsters are scary,

All big and all hairy,

And they can eat you before you go "Beep".

SANTA WHO DRIVES THE SLEIGH, HAS A PRINCETON MBA

Santa made reindeer jerky, after he stored away the sleigh,

Santa made plenty of jerky, enough to feed the elves until May,

Santa made reindeer stew,

With the veggies he grew,

Using retired reindeer, so pension payments went away.

SELF-STICKING FLOOR TILE IS TRICKEY

I bought some floor tile but made the wrong pick,
My self-sticking floor tile didn't want to stick,
So, I got out some glue,
And, when I was through,
I knew self-sticking floor tile required a trick.

SIDE AFFECTS WHEN MAKING MOUTH MASH FOR CASH

There was a little angel, sitting on my toe,

He was scratching his back, on the toenail I let grow,

There was a little devil, sitting on my knee

He whacked my knee with his hatchet, and boy did that hurt me,

And, on my belly sat the prettiest unicorn,

He stabbed my belly deep with his twisted, sharpened horn,

Then in my mouth there was the devil fermenting mash,

He said he'd make it up to me, when he bootlegged his whiskey for some cash.

THE SOUP DECEIT

I limped down the street with my work tired feet,👣

I was looking for a booth with hot soup to eat,🍜

I entered one and got soup,🍵

Like a cold ice cream scoop,🍦

It pained me with brain freeze, and I resent the deceit. 🤕😡😠

TIM BLOWS THE SNOW LIMERICK

Tim blows the snow all winter long,

Wearing heavy cloths and a woolen thong,

He sings a jolly snowblower song,

One might conclude Tim is ding dong,

But if he blows my drive, I'll admit I'm wrong.

REVENGE IS BEST SERVED SALTY

The kitchen boss called me a stup,

A certified nincompoop,

That made me so mad,

I done a real bad,

I poured too much salt into the soup.

CHRISTMAS PINE NEEDLE TEA WAS THE VERY END OF ME

The needles on my Christmas tree, were treated with bug spray,

So when I drank pine needle tea, I was dead by end of day,

The ground was froze,

And so it goes,

I wasn't buried til end of May.

WEAR APPROPRIATE CLOTHING

When blogging a blog, wear blogger socks,

That's when my blog really rocks,

When trading stock online,

Drink red trader wine,

And those going running, wear running jocks. 

OTTER

Mini Ta Ta was an otter,

She liked movies, like Harry Potter,

She did magic tricks,

With homemade toothpicks,

She moved to Florida where it was hotter.

GRANNY LIKED TO CATCH FISH OUT OF SEASON LIMERICK

Granny liked to catch fish out of season,
She liked to eat them that was her reason,
She caught bass and brown trout,
And any others about,
She ate fresh fish but most were for freezen.

THE OYSTER EATING SUNFISH

There was a sunfish that liked to eat oyster,
He marinated it to make it much moister,
He once invited over a date,
But, his oyster did not rate,
It had the texture of rope from a cloister.

The Runny One Is In The Soup

I had four chickens in my coup,

They all could do the hula hoop,

I needed one for chicken soup,

I picked the chicken that peed it's poop,

That one was the outcast of the group.

I AM INTERNET CONFUSED

Online bloggers have confused me a lot,😈🖥

I can't remember if something happened or not,🤔⌛⏳

It seems The Mandela Effect shall reign,😟

Until we all are insane,😵

It must be some alien plot. 👽👾🤖

WHAT GROWS?

Mini Ta Ta picked her nose,

She wiped the booger between her toes,

Be it a dragon or a rose,

She wanted to see just what grows,

Then she'd pick out pretty hair bows.

HOLIDAY SHOPPING

Mom went to the market for holiday sauce,

I rode along because she was the boss,

Mom picked out some wine,

And very thin twine,

For after each meal mom would floss.

I HUNG UP MY SOCKS ON CHRISTMAS EVE WITH HOPE

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.

THE WORST CHRISTMAS CARD I'VE EVER SEEN, BUT IT'S THE ONLY ONE I GOT

Christmas cards I did not get,

Except for one that looked like twit,

Whatever sap

Drew such crap,

I think that art, they'd better quit.

A POOR SOULS PRACTICAL CHRISTMAS WISH

I wish Santa would bring me some cloths,

Like some socks to thaw out my toes,

Maybe a coat to stay warm,

Boots to walk a snow storm,

And some pants so my legs don't get froze.

MY BULBS I BROKE

I went outside because I'm so messy,

When I deck out my Christmas tree,

My brains I soak,

With rum and coke,

That's why my bulbs are mostly broke,

My neighbor, all he drinks is tea,

So, he has twice as many bulbs as me.

I EAT AND GO BURNING

I fear I will not do so well,💀

When I die, and where I dwell,👻

For my favorite dish,🍤

Is a pile of shellfish,🦀

They're an abomination to eat, heard tell.👹

A VENISON DINNER FOR CHRISTMAS

Mrs. Claus debated what she'd have for dinner on Christmas Day,
Then, she saw all those reindeer hitched behind her husband's sleigh,
So, she cooked up venison roasts,
For all those elves she had to host,
And, Santa hoped his packages would arrive by USPS by Christmas Day.

WINTER SOLSTICE IS HERE

There's frost under my trailer skirts,

I'm under winter storm weather alerts,

A polar blow is forthcoming, 

That's why I am bumming,

And my arthritic joints all got the hurts.

WE WERE NOT GOOD: SORRY SANTA POEM

I HUNG UP MY SOCKS

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.

THE SAD BEAR AND HIS BELLY

There's a sad looking bear under my apple tree,

He ain't eating apples, he's waiting for me,

I'd give him a hug,

And pull him close, snug,

But I'd end up in the bears growling belly.

WANDA WENDT WENT SHOPPING THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS

The day before Christmas, Wanda Wendt went store Shopping,

From store to store, Wanda Wendt went whip hopping,

When Wanda uncorked red wine,

Wanda Wendt was real fine,

Then, Wanda got munchies, and went Burger King Whopping.

WANDA WENT SHOPPING THE DAYAFTER THANKSGIVING

Wanda went shopping the day after Thanksgiving,
She spent every dime that she had made for her living,
She bought the kids some electronic toys,
She bought her mate Superbowl with the boys,
Wanda bought herself a Harley for riving.

WHERE THINGS GO

Where does all the sewage go?

It flows into the sea,

To feed the many algae, so more algae they can be,

Where does all the garbage go?

It flows into the sea,

To feed the little fishes so one day those fish feed me,

Where do all the toxic chemicals go?

They flow into the sea, and kill all the creatures of planet earth,

Including you and me.

THE CHRISTMAS UNICORN BULLY

Mark the unicorn was a menace to the sleigh,

He'd stick his horn through the sides and poke the elves everyday,

Mark poked Santa too,

Which made Santa boohoo,

The sleigh crew wanted the unicorn to just go away.

JENNY THE ASTRONAUT LIMERICK

All Jenny ever wanted was to visit planet Mars,
She had no ambition to seek out distant stars,
But the space program was shut down,
There would be no planet Mars town,
Now Jenny hangs out in pool halls and strip bars.

MY SICK FLOWER LIMERICK

My flower was looking real sick,

I think it was bit by a tick,

But, it was not of high station,

Like a rose or carnation,

So, I just gave my sick flower a pick.

SANTA MAN AND THE MILK COW, AND BEN

Mossy my milk cow, she pulled Santa's sleigh,

That's because the reindeer had all run away,

Santa had gained many a pound,

The sleigh wouldn't lift off the ground,

Mossy and bull Ben, powered Santa that day.

DON'T EAT THE CHRISTMAS TREE

Mossy the cow ate my Christmas tree,

She knew that I loved it, but she had to spite me,

Mossy had a smile, I a frown,

But I turned them upside down,

For Christmas dinner we had beef, and it was so tasty. 

ZOMBIE CAMP

There are lots of zombies living out on backwoods streets,

Waiting for tourist, seasonal treats,

So come stay a spell,

Where the real zombies dwell,

Free camping, if you bring someone for eats.

"COME ALONG FOR THE EATS"

ALL I WANT

I had a hot toasted pastry for my meal,

It burnt my lips and made them peel,

I saw Santa today,

My burnt lips could not say,

All I want is a glockenspiel.

FOUND THE NEXT DAY

Scabies covered nearly all of my skin,

They're itchiness gave me a grimacing grin,

The next day I was found,

I bled out on the ground,

The police said to my next of kin.