JAMIE IS A BAD RED SQUIRREL

Jamie was a red squirrel, who had a mind of cut-throat reason,

Jamie's mind decided that with the fox he'd commit some treason,

So for a nut total of just eight,

Jamie opened the squirrel gate,

The fox got enough squirrel meat to last him the winter season.

BOB'S POOR CAREER CHOICE

Bob works as a cardboard box bailer,

They bail the boxes from parks called trailer,

Bob bores, bailing box after box,

Worse than caffeine detox,

Wished he'd had the frank to become a mercantile sailor.

I VISITED MY NEIGHBORS DOWNSTAIRS

There was a clog in my kitchen sink drain,
While under my sink the pipes leaked stinky rain,
Then, my floorboards got soft,
And, I plunged down from my loft,
To visit neighbors who asked me to explain.

DULLES SMARTS ALONE

Dulles had an IQ over 180,

He could never find a best matey,

Humans would kiss and squirm,

Like a non-tactical worm,

Like the ones Dulles used for fish-baitey.

U ARE WHAT U EAT

I eat so many chippers and kippers,

I'm growing roots and a nice set of flippers,

Chips and kips is all I eat,

Never touch red/white meat,

Or beans that give folks smelly rippers.  

WHEN THE OCEANS BOILED AWAY LIMERICK

The oceans all boiled away,

Where they went no one can say,

A world that's hotter, 

Without any water,

Is a place I'm not going to stay.

BARRY WAS SO SKINNY THAT HE LOVED THE EXTREME HEAT

Barry was really young and very skinny,

So to him, the extreme heat was a winny,

His parents would whine,

But, Barry felt extra fine,

Until, while swimming a shark bit off his finny.

I JUST WANTED TO UNLOAD MY FISH CATCH AT THE QUAY

I wanted to unload my fish catch up at the quay,
But the harbor master said I should stay far away,
He said my fish were stinking up the town,
My boat should be sunk down,
And that’s where my fish catch should stay.

THE BALLAD OF RICHIE AVOID

With Richie, I am quite annoyed,

For where I locate, he will avoid,

He has someone brand new,

So I'm sad, boohoo blue,

When crossing paths, he treats me like a roid.

ADULT BEANS, OR SUBMARINES

I was growing some big people's beans,

They grow four inches long, off their greens,

They are hard as oak wood,

If you can chew them, they're good,

If you can't, use them for toy submarines.

BOB PLAYED WITH SKUNKS, A CAUTIONARY TALE

Bob went to Newberry to see his cousin's skunk babies,

They were cute little stinkers, but they gave Bob the scabies,

Mange in his underwear,

And, a cute skunk called Pierre,

Bit Bob on the bum;  Bob needed shots for the rabies. 

LEON MADE A BAD CHOICE FOR HIS SNACK

Leon the toad was hanging out with his guys,

They were eating crawling bugs and small flying flies,

Leon sucked down a bee,

The bee attacked internally,

Leon needed surgery after his bee popper surprise.

PAINTING MISHY-MASH

I painted my black and white cat,
He was playing with a squeaky-toy rat,
I sold the painting for big cash,
So, I'm painting more mishy-mash,
I'm living off those with a  wallet that's fat.

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ICHY, STICKY, YICKY FLOOR

I decided to sweep the floor,

It had never been done before,

But, the floor was so sticky,

My broom got all ichy,

So, I ruged the place from door to door.  

TOAD GOES DIVING, AFTER THE NIGHTCLUB

The bouncer wouldn't let the toad into the club,

The all dressed up toad, felt deep hurt from the snub,

Toad got into his car,

Drove down to the dive bar,

Toad was treated with care, even got a foot rub.

THE INFESTED

My refrigerator is infested with the bug called, the flea,

When I open the refridge door, they jump out all over me,

Now I itch and scratch, scratch,

Still, more fleas on me hatch, hatch,

And, I'm coughing up some worms; won't Mother Nature leave me be.

WHY ZOMBIES CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS

Zombies complain that they don't have nice stuff

Of course, Zombies tend to live in the ruff,

They have no schooling,

Always leaking and drooling,

They stagger and crash, acting real tough.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH A WEREWOLF, IT'S COMPLICATED

Werewolves are never any fun,

They just eat you, and leave you, they're done,

For a true love, a friend,

Wouldn't consume you in the end,

Then off to another they run.

I HAPPIED UP MY HONEY WHEN I SOLD MY ART OF AWE

I made a tapestry of flowers laying on some straw,

Everyone who saw it, had a gaping jaw of awe, 

I sold the tapestry for money,

I shared the proceeds with my honey,

My honey bought a big pet bird that went, "caw caw, caw, caw, caw".

TP AND HARD TIMES

I confiscated the contraband I found in my yard,

It was 2 years worth of wet toilet paper I didn't discard,

I dried it out with gas heat,

And, I saved every sheet,

I try to find any savings, times are hard.

TOOKEY TELLS ALL

There once was a mouse named Tookey,

She stole while no one would lookey,

She once stole a hair dryer,

And, an outdoor turkey fryer,

She retired to write a mouse self-help bookey.

BOBBY UNINVITRD

The bears threw a New Year's party, but Bob was not invited,

Last time he got stinking drunk, and the toilet, he blighted,

After those puke filled nights,

Donny got no invites,

A bar in Big Rapids is where Bobby was last sighted.

THE ARTIST WITH MOOD

Hannibal came from Hamtramck,
His paintings are moody, dynamic,
He's been spray painting clowns,
All angry with frowns,
He stopped taking his meds now he's manic.

ZOMBIES LIKE A NICE DINNER

I went to a restaurant to eat bacon and eggs,

They said the only protein they served, walked on two legs,

It was a zombie cuisine,

Special was brains wrapped with spleen,

And a shot of blood vodka was served free to the regs.

THE TWO WORD LANGUAGE

I don't speak good German, and my French is even worse,

When I try speaking Latin, I get called disgusting and perverse,  

But the language I speak good,

Is my local neighborhood,

There we speak just two words, that are a universal curse.  

Tooth Truth

For teeth, there was once was a tube of paste,

It was never touched, and went to waste,

Soon no one had teeth,

They just gumed on their beef, 

It seems not flushing and brushing was decided in haste.

NUBINS FROM SPACE

There are little cuties called "Nubins", who fell out of the sky,

Interplanetary invaders, who make you laugh till you die,

They're always passing gas, from low places,

Brimming big, smiley faces,

Then suddenly, you feel really high.

ELI CONDUCTS THE BAND LIMERICK

Eli tried to conduct the band,
He couldn’t read music and soon got canned,
So he took a music course,
Learned the power of the force,
During his ovations, the audience will stand.

DOCTOR

My doctor said, doctors once cured people by making them bleed,

I replied that modern doctors make people bleed, because of greed,

My doctor didn't look happy,

And he gave me a face slappy,

Then he billed me for the slap; said that therapy, I need.

THE RED POP SNORE

My legs are real sore,

Circulation is poor,

I drink just red pop,

For health reasons should stop,

Because at night the red pop makes me snore.

SHARE BUNS WITH YOUR FRIENDS, OR YOU WON'T HAVE ANY

He set his bun upon his left knee,

Upon his right, he set his tea,

From his left jacket pocket, he pulled some ham,

From his right pocket, he pulled a spoon, jar and jam,

He made a jam, ham, bun sandwich, he didn't share with me,

Last time I invite that guy over for tea.

I FOUND A BLUE PLANET IN GALAXY NINE

I found a blue planet in Galaxy Nine,
But, my landing on it, I had to decline,
The planet was surrounded by roids,
With few in-between voids,
And my navigation was influenced by wine.

LOST HEAD WHILE PICKING MARY'S CHERRIES

I went out to pick the fruit of cherry,

When I crossed paths with Bloody Mary,

She had an ax,

Took a head tax,

My headless bod, she bothered not to bury.

THREE LITTLE GRAY MICE LIMERICK

There once were three little gray mice,
They tunneled deep beneath the ice,
They ran into a red fox,
Who liked mice with his lox,
He served them in a side dish with rice.

MY TOAD WILLIE DID NOT MAKE CHILI

I found a huge frozen toad on the street,

I thought I'd finally have something to eat,

I named my frozen toad Willie,

Went to stew him in chili,

He hopped off before I could move my feet.

MOON LOVER

Everyone is desperate to move to the moon,

But there's no air to breath; no place to spoon,

It's hard to get water,

To drink and flush potter,

And moon cottage pottage, won't smell like perfume.

DON'T DRINK THE WATER ON MARS

Dan went to visit the pyramids of mars on vacation,

It was a hot dry place, that alien nation,

As the day got even hotter,

Dan just had to drink the water,

Whoops, there were only pay toilets at the space station.

 

POINTY FINGERS MISSED TEDDY BEAR

Pointy Fingers shoved his finger way up inside his nose,

Then he started bleeding from his nose, upon his cloths,

Pointy Fingers really did not care,

He just wanted to go home to Teddy Bear,

But mommy washed his face with the cold water from the hose.

THE BADGER AND THE WOLVERINE DID NOT PLAY SO WELL

The badger and the wolverine did not play very well,

I had to scold them both, and make them lie down for a spell,

But, why should my scolds be of care?

Well,  I'm a great big polar bear,

And, I can clean anybody's clock or ring-a-ding their bell.

MY FISH HAS A COATING

I like catching my fish dinner on my boat,

But, to clean the fish I need be remote,

So, instead of eating fish from my boating,

I buy cleaned fish with a coating,  

And, fry my fish in hot grease till they float.

GERBIL JONES AND DRONES

I have a little pet, named Gerbil Jones,

I let him chew on all the chicken bones,

When he turned five and twenty,

I figured I fed him plenty,

Now he delivers packages, by flying delivery drones.

PRAWNS

I love to eat tasty, butter fried prawns,

I eat a big plate when the sun makes new dawns,

It's my breakfast meal,

With fish smelly appeal,

I chew them as I window watch, doe deer with their fawns.

MY NAME IS DISMAL THE CLOWN

My fortunes were dismally down,

So I went to see the royal crown,

Because I protested,

I was arrested,

And sentenced to dress as a clown.

CAN I FRY FISH?

On my fishing trip I forgot my frying pan,

So, off to the store I quickly ran,

But, at the nearby store called Corn Cobs,

They had only sticks for kabobs,

So, I fried my fish in an old coffee can.

BEN WENT OUT HUNTING DEER

Ben went out hunting for deer,

He just had a sharp stick for a spear,

Ben found a ten point buck,

But Ben had no luck,

His spear failed, and he got pierced in his ear. 

JIMMY THE SPUD

Jimmy was a belligerent spud; in the fields he became a dictato,

He promised spuds glory and land, by taking lands from the tomato,

The tomatoes rolled away,

And just like Jimmy say,

There was more land for the Klan of Potato. 

REINCARNATION, PUTS THE UNIVERSE RIGHT

I have a pet protozoa named Drudge,

He once was a powerful judge,

But Drudge was so corrupt,

His term ended, abrupt,

Now he's a microbe living in small smudge.

THE GNOME RIND AND DINED

I went deep into the forest and what the heck did I find?

A fat little gnome chewing on a watermelon rind,

The watermelon was of course stolen,

But it was already in the gnome's colon,

I ordered him to pay for it, but the gnome, he declined.

TOUGH TIMES

When the groceries get gone and times get really hard,

Sometimes you eat supper from things found in the yard,

Sometimes you skip meat,

If there's no bugs to eat,

Sometimes you eat bark, if it's thin like a card.

SOMEONE ATE MY CHICKENS LIMERICK

Someone ate all of my chickens last night,
The only trace found were feathers, all white,
It must be the bear,
He left his tracks there,
And, he gave my truck tires a bite.  

TERRY AND THE BLUE BALLS

Terry bought some pretty blue balls to play the four square game,

Terry thought his pretty blue balls, would bring his game some fame,

But when each ball got a smack,

Each burst and became a sack,

Now Terry and his four square game are looking pretty lame.

TOO HOT TO IGNORE MY POT

If only it wasn't so hot,

That I have to water my pot,

In my pot I grow greens,

That I mix with my beans,

And that's what I eat on, a lot.

THE COLLEGE DEBT LIMERICK

Jimmy thought education was the thing,
To fill his pockets up with bling,
But, it was the wrong bet,
Now he's mired in debt,
On street corners for quarters he'll sing.

THE BLACK BEAR POEM

Yesterday I had a scare,
I ran into a big black bear,
He was 500 lbs of brawny muscle,
I didn't feel so well after our tussle,
But, my bones will mend and my scars will heal,
The best thing of all is I was not a meal.

THE LITTLE BEE NAMED BARRY LIMERICK

There was a little bee named Barry,
He couldn’t get a girlfriend ‘cause his legs were hairy,
So he tried to groom,
Shaved his legs zoom, zoom,
But, now his legs look ten times as scary.

I BUILT MY OWN HOME

Some people build themselves a beautiful home,

Sometimes with a straight roof, sometimes with a dome,

Well, I gave it a whack,

I built me a shack,

Some call it a dump, and that is my poem.

MANY PEOPLE SAY

Many people say there are ogres behind the trees,
Some people say that Martians buzz like bees,
I hear that people say that chickens don't have knees,
I've heard a lot of people say that Santa water skis,
But, I think that people say things because they like to tease.

THE TWO WHACK JOBS GOT MARRIED

Dave was what you would call, extremely mecurial,

For ladies, he was not parental material,

Dave carried reject pain,

In his unsettled brain,

Then married capricious 3rd cousin, Merial.   

MY SWEATY CORNET

It seemed like for my old cornet, all the notes did melt,

For steaming hot was parade day, and that my cornet felt,

My lips got drip, dry parched, 

The notes got damaged as we marched,

When the parade was finally done, I had a root beer belt.

THE REBELLION OF THE RASPBERRIES

My raspberries needed more care,

But I hadn't the water to spare,

So they all got real grumpy,

And surrounded my dumpy,

And demanded that my water, I share.