VOLES I FEAR

In the garden, some fear goblins, some fear trolls,

Some fear gnomes, but I fear voles,

Voles plague me with fear,

That they'll chew off my ear,

And, hide it in one of their holes.

TENNESSEE MOONSHINE GENES

Because I live in Tennessee,

I drank moonshine till I couldn't see,

Then mamma gave me a slap,

Said I was a drunk, just like pap,

He'd pass out, then he'd pee.

GRANDMA MARGE

I had a grandma named Marge,
Grandma Marge was not very large,
In fact, she was very small,
But, when all the chips were flat down,
She'd turn upside down your fat frown,
For her heart was real wide and real tall.

ODE TO JERRY THE SNOW TURTLE

Jerry was a snow turtle,
He did not like the sun,
It was only in the winter,
That Jerry had any fun,

Jerry liked to snowboard,
He liked to downhill ski,
Jerry’s shell was completely white,
This made him hard to see,

Once when racing downhill,
With five snowboarders on his tail,
Jerry had a dreaded spill,
And was chopped up like first class mail,

Everyone mourned the loss,
Of the turtle who could ski a loop,
For on the slopes he was the boss,
In the kitchen he’s turtle soup.

A FUN FILLED EVENING FOR TWO (DATE NIGHT)

With pots and pans, a dinner I'll make,

 Desert will be a choc frosting cake,

I'll then have a nightcap,

Take a night nap,

In the a.m., out the garbage I'll take.

SUZIE THE SNAPPING TURTLE DID ME IN

There was a snapping turtle named Suzie,
She thought that she would pull a real doosey,
She bit a hole in my wood boat,
Then my boat would not float,
Drowning made me feel really oozey,

THE STORY OF TORTY THE PIG

Torty is a really simple pink pig,

So simple he failed algebra, calc and then trig,

So Torty quit school, 

Bought a small plastic pool,

And filled it with slop he could swig.

WOE CAUSED BY SNOW, NOW NO CASTLE TO KEEP

The roof on my home was felled by the snow,

The roof completely collapsed, so I had nowhere to go,

I could only weep,

I had no castle to keep,

And  winter nights are a cause of great woe. 

FLIES IN A JAR

For most flies have such little appeal,
Yet, I decided to keep flies in a jar with a seal,
They are comforting pets,
With their appendage sets,
Now, I promote them as pets with a zeal.

MICHIGANDERS LOVE COLD

In Michigan we love our cold,

We pass out hot cocoa to young and old,

And, when the snow gets real deep,

Beneath its cover we'll creep,

To seek food like leaf worms or green mold. 

PARNELL WENT TO WORK AND LOST HIS JOB

Parnell went to work and lost his job,
He worked in retail and looked like a slob,
His cloths did not fit,
He smelled just a bit,

And the register, Parnell liked to rob.

SHERMAN WAS A GOODY TWO SHOES, NOW HE IS A POP

Sherman was,a goody two shoes, every single day,

He never lied, never bad things he tried, he was goody all the way,

Then he went to band camp,

Where bad thoughts went up amp,

Now he has 30 children, and another pops today.

MY WALL STREET JOB IS IN THE TOILET

I decided to work on Wall Street,
To prepare I ate only raw meat,
At first I felt like a lion,
Then, I swore I was dyin',
Vomit paid for my exchange seat. 

SHELLY WAS A GOODY TWO SHOES

Shelly was a goody two shoes,
She would not smoke or touch the booze,
But, when she left Randy,
She ate too much candy,
Now, wherever she goes she must ooze.

No Flying Plane But I Had Pie

I flew an airplane but didn't get high,

I only got up two feet in the sky,

At least I did not crash,

And saved on jet fuel, like cash,

So instead of flight I'll just eat berry pie.

POEM RECIPE FOR FRIED GREEN TOMATOES

I make fried green tomatoes,
Sometimes with fried potatoes,
I slice them thick or thin,
Different tastes for different kin,

I dip them in the egg,
I dip them in the flour,
I turn on the stove,
I crank up the power,

When puffed up and golden browned,
That’s the best taste I have found,
There’s nothing better on Puget Sound,
Than fried green tomatoes all around.

THE CASE OF THE CRACK IN SPACE

When I was trekking out in deep, dark space,

My spacecraft battery got a crack in its case,

But, all was just fine,

I ordered a new one online,

It was delivered the next day, Ace! 

WENDEL ATE TOO MUCH WHOOPEE WEED

Wendel was a poisoned frog,
He ate too much whoopee weed,
He'd be fine if he just ate the stalks,
But, he also ate the seed,

No one knew how sick Wendel was,
Because his skin was always green,
They thought Wendel had just caught a buzz,
Until he coughed up half his spleen,

Wendel made it to a medic,
Now he is o.k.
He just had a three day headache,
Whoopee weed he avoids today.

BEFORE I GO TO SCHOOL

Before I go to school I eat a pot pie,

Before I go to school I eat bagels of rye,

Before I go to school I eat an orange, make it die,

Before I go to school I eat anything that mom will fry,

Before I go to school I sup soup made of bean,

Before I go to school I brush my teeth clean,

Before I go to school I swab my ears, so obscene,

Before I go to school to my kin I talk mean,

Before I go to school my shoes I will tie,

Before I go to school I promise dad that I'll try,

Before I go to school I tease my brothers, they cry,

Before I go to school I tell everyone bye.

 

MY PARASITES RULE DAYS AND NIGHTS

I am full of parasites,

Micro ones and big ones with bites,

They burrow in,

Organs and skin,

Making irritating days, restless nights.

NOAH'S LITTLE DINNER PARTY WITH A FRIEND

Noah had a chicken,🍗

Noah had a fish,🍤

Noah had some taters,🍟

Noah made a salad dish,💐

Noah had a nice dinner,🍸🍽🍷🍹

Noah had a cute friend,👬

They both enjoyed the dinner,👨‍❤️‍👨

And got spunky at the end.🤔

PETER WEETER THE TWEETER

Peter Weeter was a Tweeter,
Tweeting he did very well,
Peter Weeter was no eater,
His bones bulged out, so you could tell,

Peter Weeter would not stop tweeting,
He’d rather starve to skin and bone,
Then Peter Weeter’s heart stopped beating,
But, no tweets in heaven, only a phone.

MR. WILLIAMS HAD A NOSE HAIR LIMERICK

Mr. Williams had a nasal hair,
It was a foot long so many people would stare,
He went to Nantucket,
To find a barber to cut it,
But, now his nose hair has become a nose pair.

I WISH I WAS A SLINKY

I wish I was a slinky, walking down the stairs,

If I were a slinky, I couldn't be ate by bears,

If I had a slinky life,

I'd grow old with my slinky wife,

And we'd leave the stairway to all our slinky heirs. 

BUY YOUR OWN SHOES

I was walking down the sidewalk and knocked over some paint,

This guy walks through it and happy he aint,

The guy shouts, "hey you!

You need to pay for two shoe,"

I shouts, "buy your own.  I'm no goody-two shoes saint."  

THE HOUSE WARMING

My woodstove was in a really bad spot,
It was in the library with books and that lot,
Well my yard looks really neat,
The house burnt up quite complete,
All that’s left is the wood stove and pot.

HUNTING LEACHES FROM A PERCH

The leach knew he was in a lurch,

When the raven flew down from his perch,

But, a breeze full of smog,

Filled the bird's view with fog,

Then, the raven failed in his search.

THREE GEESE WENT TO A PARTY

Three geese went to a party,
They had too much to drink,
They picked a fight with three bad skunks,
And, really made a stink,

Three geese were taken to the jail,
For starting a big fight,
Because they were geese they had no bail,
This gave the judge delight,

The judge offered the geese jail for a year,
Or they could be hung off the big willow,
Or the gesse could leave court without a fear,
For the fine of one feather pillow,

The three geese sit in their little pond,
Naked and shivering cold,
Leaving the pond to drink and party,
Was just a little too bold,

Maybe, it's best to find adventure at home,
And, play video games and fish,
Maybe, they should not leave and roam,
Just trade cable for a new dish.

DERRICK AND HIS PET HAMSTER LIMERICK

Derrick kept a hamster for a pet,
The hamster was unstable and acted real upset,
It bit Derrick on the thumb,
His thumb swelled like a plumb,
Derrick decided a different pet he should get.

BLUE RIBBON ART BY MARVIN

Marvin threw up; we all took pity

But he thought his vomit looked real pretty,

He took it to an art show,

And what would you know,

Marvin won blue ribbon for his statement being witty.

I Fear A Big Boohoo, In Year 2022

When I look ahead of me,

Just confusion do I see,

2022,

Looks all askew,

Can't wait till it's 2023.

TO A MOUSE REVISITED AND REVISED

While digging in my garden,
I came across a mouse,
But, unlike old Robert Burns,
I loved to destroy his house,

Old Burns loved the mousey,
Felt sorry for his lot,
I might like the mousey too,
If I didn’t know his plot,

The little mouse sneaks in my house,
He contaminates my food,
He leaves behind his raisons,
I think that’s awfully rude,

The mouse runs across my bedding,
He fills it all with lice,
I itch and scratch and wheeze all night,
And, pay an awful price,

Robert Burns thought that mice were fine,
He felt guilt and didn't wish them ill ,
Burns made peace with all in “Auld Lang Syne”,
With mice I know I never will,

They can send all the mice to Scotland,
To stay with Robert Burns,
He’s out on cemetery road,
With the statues and the urns.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2022

At the stroke of midnight we were done,🔔

Into the past sank 2021,🎶🎶🎤

Now to struggle through,🍻🍺🍸🍸🍷🍺🍸🍸🍷🍷

The New Year, 2022,🌄

Hoping this year has less clouds and more sun.🎊🎉

MY HOME IMPROVEMENT PROJECT: FURNACE INSTALLATION

I installed my new furnace and gave it a lite,
Then I laid down and slept sound through the night,
But, I almost died,
From carbon monoxide,
It seems I did not install my furnace quite right.

A CRAWDAD GRABBED ME BY MY BIG TOE

A crawdad grabbed me by my big toe,
He pinched me so hard he caused me great woe,
But, with my new shotgun,
I just knew I had won,
The crawdad and toe vaporized with one blow.

SHERRY WAS A BOXED CHICKEN

Sherry my chicken, I put in a box,
To avoid my catching the chickenpox,
The box was an oven,
I broiled her with lovin',
And, garnished her with bright holly hocks.

THE BALLAD OF HAPPY PARKER, MAN OF THE SOUTH

Parker liked eating possum,

He baked it in his pie,

Parker liked his possum sandwiches,

On whole wheat bread, never rye,

Parker had the hiccups,

Parker had the farts,

Parker couldn't play baseball,

But was really good at darts,

Parker had a brother,

He smelled like fishy-trout,

Parker threw him in the river,

The gators ate his belly out,

Parker had six daughters,

Parker had an apple tree,

His daughters made apple wine for him,

So Parker was happy.

HOW I FEEL IN 2021

I feel like a drop of pee,

Floating in a turd filled sea,

No one really cares for me,

Because I smell like last night's tea,

Flush the toilet, set me free.

I WANTED TO GET ME SOME MEATS

I was tired of rice and beans as my primary eats,

So I went to a fast burger place to get me some meats,

But the burgers were so rare,

They weren't even there,

I guess the burger maker had sampled some treats.

PORK MAKES THE BEST BACON

I tried to make bacon by curing some eel,
But, the taste was lacking of any appeal,
I tried curing some snake,
The taste was too bad to take,
Only pork tastes like bacon that's real.

BUSY JAY JAY

Jay looked to the east,

Jay looked to the west,

jay chewed on grass,

Passed major gas,

Everyday, all day long, Jay sat on his nest.

THE DIET OF MY PORT BELLIED PIG PAL

The best friend I have is a port bellied pig,

He drinks only port wine and it makes him real big,

He eats mashed potatoes too,

He gravies them with paper glue,

He eats berries if they're shiny blue,

He likes to chew on auto parts but, only if they're new.

MY GUPPY HAD BABIES

My guppy had babies; it's so very nice to see,

She'll go back to her friends when she leaves maternity,

The babies move slow,

But, they'll be safe and can grow,

For mamas are hungry and can get quite naughty.  

TRANCING OFF WORLD

I had a friend who was a trancer,

She'd drink vinegar as a trance enhancer,

I knew she was way off world,

When her lower lip curled,

And, her left eyeball became a dancer. 

TICK SICK

Lots of people are getting the sicks,

Because they're being bitten by little ticks,

Of course gasoline, 

Got me really clean, 

But I should of stayed away from lit candle wicks.🚬

I'M WITH THE WEIRD AND CRAZY CROWD

So, ye many jeer the weird and crazy,

The slovenly and very lazy, 

But, they are such fun,

I've become one,

In the end we all feed our daisy.

YOU CAN ALWAYS BE A GARDEN GNOME, IF YOU NEED A JOB

I was told I was a really bad, bad bad, boy,

That's why on Christmas I did 't get one darn toy,

So I ran away from home,

Became a garden gnome,

Now scarring away little bunnies gives me joy, joy, joy!

I'M GAMBLING MY WAY INTO A HOLE

I watched football on Christmas Day,😯

My team lost, I'll have to pay,🤕

Because of my gambling plot,🤑

I have a pension, not,😲

I'll now work until I'm with worms and clay.😭

TAINTED TURKEY, A COVER CHARGE AND MALT BALLS: THE CHRISTMAS DINNER I PREPARED

The tainted turkey was not my fault,

I thought I killed the taint with extra salt,

My family gave me jeers,

For charging to drink beers,

And for chocolate covered balls full of malt. 

SANTA HAD A BARBEQUE ON CHRISTMAS EVE

Santa's sleigh was made of hydrogen, which put the sleigh in flight,

Santa's reindeer were gas balloons, that helped Santa's sleigh gain height,

Once Santa had a shiver,

Freezing lungs, kidneys and liver,

So Santa lit up his long pipe, and Santa's sleigh went burning bright.

MOM AND DAD TOOK MY PRESENT I GOT FROM SANTA LIMERICK

Santa left a present, but I don't think it is mine,

It is 15 gallons of spiced rum, but I am only 9,

I gave some to my dog Duke,

It made him gag then made him puke,

Then mom and dad took the rest and said it was divine.

SINKING DOWN ON CHRISTMAS EVE

It's Christmas Eve and I'm heading home from work,🚲

I got hit by a speeder and man, what a jerk,💩

He sped off, didn't stay,🚐

Leaving me sinking away,😠

In a ditch full of mud, crud and murk.🐊🐍🦀🦂🐙

SICK REINDEER AND DICK THE MOOSE

The little reindeer could not make the trip,

Flying in front of Santa's! ship,

The little reindeer called in sick,

Replaced by a moose named Dick,

While the reindeer gave tea the sip.

A BIRTHDAY FOR CHRISTMAS

I celebrated my birthday on Christmas Day,

On my actual birthday, no one stopped by my way,

Still, nobody came,

Is Covid the blame?

Or, my flawed character, as most people say.

OUR CHRISTMAS YUMMIES

On Christmas we eat frozen berries,🍓

And lots of nuts and cherries,🍒🌰

We never eat meat,🐔🐀🐿🐘🐖🐄🐩

From critters with feet,👣👣👣👣

We eat snakes or bugs, it varies.🐞🐞🐞🐍🐍🐍🐜🐜🐜🐛🐛🐛

A BAD MAN WITH BAD TEETH

I ate holiday candy until I was shaking,
Now, my bad teeth are constantly aching,
I know my judgment was real poor,
But, why should my mouth be so soar?

No wicked things have I ever done,
Except those things that were for fun,
I hid grandma’s dentures and teased the cat,
I put peanut butter on my brother’s bat,

I threw dad’s keys in the swimming pool,
So that day I couldn’t go to school,
I ate mom’s cookie dough when she turned away,
So, there were no cookies at church that day,

I sort of remember a girl on a swing,
I pushed her so hard she slammed into something,
And then, there was my very best friend named Stan,
He tripped into a puddle as by me he ran,

Then, there was my cousin in a canoe,
I toppled him over; he got black and blue,
Then, there was my dog, who liked to fetch sticks,
Throwing the stick over the fence was one of my tricks,

I guess some of the things I did were not nice,
But, I should be forgiven; I did few of them twice,
I did most bad things without a thought in my brain,
So, why am I racked with unending tooth pain?

.

PATTY THE CHRISTMAS WEREWOLF?

Patty was a werewolf,
She hunted night and day,
But, every year on Christmas Eve,
She guarded Santa’s sleigh,

When Patty snarled and barred her fangs,
She frightened away each highwayman,
And poachers kept quiet with their bangs,
Less they be bitten on the can,

Now reindeer meat is tender and sweet,
Its scent will make a werewolf drool,
So Patty bit one on the seat,
Santa thought that was just not cool,

Now Patty said she made a mistake,
And begged to keep her position,
Her family’s home they would forsake,
Her puppies would suffer malnutrition,

Now Santa always did what was good,
As an employer he was admired quite well,
Patty kept her job just as she should,
But, she had to plug her nose so she couldn’t smell.



,

I WENT TO MIDLAND MICHIGAN TO VISIT THE TRIDGE LIMERICK

I went to Midland Michigan to visit the Tridge,
But, then I got lost on the three legged bridge,
I just got the quivers,
As I watched below the black rivers,
I ran off to the land on the ridge.

THE AWSOME SUPRISE ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.

THE ELF KING WAYLAND THE SMITH

Wayland the Smith was the king of all elves,
He worked in Detroit making pistons and valves,
He got tired one day,
From his hard work at low pay,
So, he led his ilk to make cars for themselves.