DINNER, HUGS, BUGS, RUGS AND PORCELAIN

My family came over for dinner and hugs,

I love them so much, in their food I put bugs,

With a heave and and ho,

To my bathroom they go, 

I just hope they hit porcelain, not rugs.

I GOT UP EARLY TO EAT A TURKEY FEAST LIMERICK

I got up real  early to eat a turkey feast,
But, it won’t be served til noon, at least,
Oh, what an affair,
I sat down in despair,
I watched the parades while my mom cooked the beast.

GROVER THE CHICKEN AND MR. TURKEY

There was a meek chicken named Grover,
Who loved to see the end of October,
Because Mr. Turkey,
Was a real turkey jerky,
In November his time would be over.

GRANDMA'S SICK CHRISTMAS BATHROOM HUMOR

Each year to grandma's we all converge,

To set upon our annual family purge,

For eating turkey not done,

Is our little family fun,

Except, add some more bathrooms, we urge.

MURPHY PRETTY BIRD

Murphy was a pretty bird, a pretty bird was he,

Murphy was such a pretty bird his pics cost quite a fee,

Murphy went to Hollywood and became a dreamy star,

Murphy made so many movies he could afford a good used car,

Murphy finally made a movie where he accidentally laid an egg,

Murphy then made a movie which was labeled a turkey leg,

Murphy decided to retire while his looks were still real good,

Murphy got into his good used car and left old Hollywood. 

AT HUNTING CAMP I GOT THE BOOT

At hunting camp I got the boot,
I spoiled the big turkey shoot,
When the turkeys came by,
I yelled “get lost or die”,
I saved lives and don’t give a hoot.

HUNTING CAMP LIMERICK (WHAT REALLY GOES ON)

At hunting camp we hunted for deer,
But, some of us were just insincere,
We stayed warm at the camp,
All dry and not damp,
And drank down six cases of beer.

CRUSTY, RUSTY MOUTH

I thought I had a gold tooth that was crusty,

Turns out it was tin and went rusty,

I was charged for the gold,

But, tin I was sold,

Couldn't sue, because my dentist went busty.

THERE WAS A GOLDFISH NAMED DREW

There was a nice goldfish named Drew,
But, instead of gold he was blue,
Blue made him feel sad,
But, he shouldn't feel bad,
A blue goldfish was just something new.

HIS GIRLFRIEND SANG WAY OUT OF TUNE

My poor little ferret,
He just could not bear it,
Because his girlfriend sang way out of tune,

My poor little ferret,
Told his girlfriend her voice did not merit,
An encore, so he sits alone 'neath the moon.
 

DINER OR DINNER?

I stare, boar stares back,
I see pork, boar sees chicken,
Diner or dinner?

MY SHOES GOT MUDDY LIMERICK

My little shoes they got all muddy,
Then, everywhere I went they called me cruddy,
Well, I read the news,
And changed into clean shoes,
Still, no one stepped up and called me their buddy.

WHERE WENT THE MOON?

Was it magic, clouds or too much gin,

That made the moon disappear again,

"Eclipse," said an educated,

Some said gin theory underrated,

Me, I'm glad it's over so I can eat my cold din din.

DRAGON'S MEAT, A HOLIDAY TREAT

I went dragon hunting and what did I find,

I shot a big dragon and cured bacon rind,

At first it was gooey,

But I dried it to chewy,

I gave some to neighbors cause I felt Christmas kind.

THE DRAGON HUNTER

I shot a dragon from the sky,

Shooting the dragon made my kid cry,

Then I made some dragon pie,

It burned my guts, thought I would die,

Rest I ate with mayo on rye.

THE SAD LIFE OF CLYDE THE CARP-Limerick

Clyde was a brown carp who laid in the mud,
He'd eat fish food or just floating crud,
He couldn't find a wife,
He was single for life,
'cause the lady carp called Clyde a dud.

There once was a carp named Clyde,
He laid all one day on his side,
He would not eat his fish food,
Which seemed really rude,
Then, someone realized Clyde had died.

LOADING DISHWASHER WRONG LEADS TO BLUES AND MAHJONG

I loaded my dishwasher completely wrong,
So, I'm singing the "So Sad, Broken-dish Song,"
Now, I've paid some sad dues,
And, I'm singing sad blues,

Later, I'll play a quick game of Mahjong.

TURKEY DAY FISH FILLET

My oven would not start and my turkey fryer had no gas,

I feared that for dinner, on turkey I had to pass,

So, things looked really dire,

Until, I remembered the cloths dryer

Turkey came out funky flavored, so I fried some fresh caught bass.

MY PET SKUNK AMADEOUS

My friend and I had a pet skunk named Amadeus
Whenever he’d see us he couldn't help but to spray us,
We did nothing wrong,
To get a taste of his spray bong,
When we’d see him coming our sense of smell became chaos.

I'M A LITTLE DRIP COFFEEMAKER ( I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOUR BLUES)

I'm a little drip coffeemaker,

I work for the town's undertaker,

When the family feels bad news,

I give them coffee for their blues,

My coffee is good with a doughnut from the baker.

MY BACK, OLD SHACK AND LEAVES

I'm raking leaves and oh my back,
My chest is feeling heart attack,
There's too many trees around my old shack,
But, if the leaves catch fire then a shack I'll lack,
Still, I'm so tired I'd like to hit the sack,
I'm giving up now for a nap and snack.

They Told Me I Was A Turd, When I Went To Hear The Shakespeare Word,

I went to see some Shakespeare, but they would not let me in, 

They said I was so vile, I belonged in a chamber pot lined with tin,

So, to gain some Shakespeare power,

I went home and took a shower,

When I returned to Shakespeare, the play was cancelled for it's sin.

BABY BOB HAD A DIAPER RASH

Baby boy Bob had a bad diaper rash,
His mother changed his diaper and put it in the trash,
But, the diaper rash was a curse,
Over time it got worse and worse,
He even had it at his bachelor boy bash.

I WENT ON A TRIP TO QUEBEC LIMERICK

I went on a trip to Quebec,ppp
Near Detroit my trip went to heck,
The tunnel was closed,
My trip was just hosed,
I got slammed in the trunk in a wreck.

I went on a trip to Quebec,
I thought I was being high tech,
I talked on my phone,
Someone slammed into my chrome,
I went no where: my car was a wreck.

MY FRIEND THE TOMATO WORM

My best friend was a tomato worm,
Sometimes I'd pinch him and make him squirm,
But, an accident brought such woes,
When I squished him between my toes,
That brought our relationship to it's term.

I BLOG THEN WALK MY DOG

I was a little blogger blogging on my blog,

Then I went a walking with my cocker spaniel dog,

We walked the forest late last night,

Until a bear gave us each a bite,

Now we rest in bear scat; each of us a big brown log.

I'M A FAMILY MAN NOW

I set up a fish tank so, I'd own a part of the sea,

I got ten little fish who had faces like me,

When friends came to visit my inside,

I showed my fish kids off with pride,

I got many congrats for my fine family.

I ONCE HAD A ROBOT NAMED SAM

I once had a butler robot named Sam,
He made sandwiches of Swiss cheese and ham,
Yet, what was real fine,
He made great rhubarb wine,
But, he sampled it and blew up going BAM!!!

RUN AWAY, CLIMB AWAY, BE A COWARD AND LIVE TODAY

Always a coward, I turn and I run,

I feel seeking pain is sick minded, not fun,

With a tiger frontal attack,

And, vicious bears at my back,

I reach for  branches to climb, not a gun.

NO TEAM SPIRIT ON FOOTBALL SUNDAY

I cannot get my team spirit in gear,

It's football on Sunday and I have no cheer,

No ants in my pants, 

To dance and shout chants,

Because the love of my life forgot beer.

MUSHROOMS AND DIVORCE

I ate mushrooms with each dinner course,

I gobbled them down feeling no remorse,

Then, there was a gurgle in my belly,

Like when I ate raw chicken from the deli, 

My stomach and mushrooms had a violent divorce. 

Who Will Be Dinner? The Turkey Or Me?

I went for the turkey and the vicious turkey, went for me,

One would be dinner the other, a tomorrow would not see,

We fought and we fought and we fought,

Till my throat, the turkey wings caught,

I hope he chokes on my wishbone then, we're together, me and he.

MICHIGAN COLLEGE FOOTBALL

In college football it must be said,
For Michigan, Michigan State is dread,
When the Spartans started to advance,
The U of M did not have a chance,
Between these two schools the rankings have spread.

I SELF-FURNACE WHEN I SQUAT

It's time for my long winter squat,

In a building the owner's forgot,

Of course, there's no heat,

But, I carbed up my belly and seat,

I self-furnace and that helps a lot.

FISHING AND DYING YOUNG

It was early winter and I felt bold,

On cold water fishing I'd been sold,

Even though, it would be my death, my friends foretold,

I'd for sure be a stat of ones not dying old,

Of course, I didn't harvest fish but I caught a bad cold.

I DO MISS THE SUMMER

Today we got a hard freeze,
The cold made my nose run and sneeze,
I do miss the summer,
Cold air is a bummer,
Along with the chill in the breeze.

FALL-A LIMERICK OF DISCONTENT

I don't like fall a lot,
My garden has gone to pot,
The trees have lost every leaf,
From the cold there's no relief,
Fall means the summer is shot.

WHY PEOPLE DRIVE WITH A FLAT TIRE

Why do people drive with a flat tire?
Because they see a monster in the rear view seat,
And, if that monster looks a little bit hungry,
Then, it is the driver he will probably eat,

Driving with a flat tire,
Is not so awful or bad,
You just can’t catch up to the cute lassie,
Or, run over her dear sweetest lad,

I guess tires were invented by man,
So that these tires would not last,
So people who drive on a flat tire,
Are people still living in the past.

DAISY RAN LIMERICKS

Daisy ran the marathon really fast,
But, the candy she had for breakfast did not last,
Towards the end she was tired,
No candy made her uninspired,
Her victory dreams became a thing of the past.

Daisy ran and was inspired,
By her parents who were retired,
She beat out the men,
That some considered a sin,
But, Daisy ran faster when ired.

TERROR ALONG THE FENCELINE

It's terror along the fence line for the barbies got my cloths,

They also ripped away the skin on my thigh, my arm, my nose,

Thus, my mortal wounds have caused my falling,

Soon some saint will come a calling,

Thus, I'll end all mortal woes,

Then, comes the tagging of my toes. 

TIME TRAVEL HAIKU

Time travel, easy,
Reflect, relive, rearrange,
Time travel, mind game.

I DUG A DEEP TOILET HOLE AND NOW I'M IN DEEP TROUBLE (💩)

I dug a hole for my toilet near my garden outside,

I thought to  build over a shack for privacy pride,

But, I knew I dug deep, too far,

When I seen a moon and a star,

Forgot the earth is flat and measures just 13 feet wide.

ODE TO THE MAILMAN LIMERICK

Way down below Fahrenheit zero,
That's when the mailman becomes my hero,
Though the snow may ceaseless blow,
The mail will always go,
Astounding, for a government bureau.

 

FREE PORK FROM THE EX

Steve knew his stomach was troubled,
As it perked, gurgled and bubbled,
He ate rancid pork that was free,
From former wife named Kaylee,
Now, his bathroom trips have more than doubled.

THERE WAS A RABBIT NAMED RANDY

There was a rabbit named Randy,
He only ate Halloween candy,
He got really big,
Now he oinks like a pig,
And drowns his sorrows with brandy.

There was a rabbit named Randy,
His fur was salty and sandy,
He gained lots of weight,
So, he couldn't get a date,
It's a good thing that Randy is handy.

GRIEF FROM THE BEEF

I bought my family a big piece of beef,

Didn't know it would bring them constipation relief,

They used the stocks of toilet paper,

Painted porcelain, made bad vapor,

Clearance slimy beef is not worth the great grief.

I GOT A QUANTUM COMPUTER FOR CHRISTMAS

I got a quantum computer but, don't know what it does,

Never heard of a quantum in books or in buzz,

I've been doing just fine,

Learning Albert Einstein,

With quantum, I don't know my now from my was.

I YELLED AT MY PUPPY QUEEN, THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN

It's the day after Halloween,

And, I am feeling so unclean,

I ate so much candy, I split my spleen,

The sugar high made me mean, 

I yelled at my puppy, Queen,

The toilet bowl is now my scene,

Where I lose candy and turn grass green.

I AM PROTEIN

I went to see witches to buy magic brew,

Alas, they hit me on the head and threw me into their stew,

It wasn't so bad,

Between the potatoes and bread,

I was the protein for one meal, maybe two.

I'M A SELFIE ADDICT

I owed money on my phone,

So, I had to get a payday loan,

No money for meat, I begged for bone,

Lost the car and slept on stone,

All to send selfies to people unknown.

I FINDS ME AN EARTHWORM

I went looking for earthworms to fish in the sea,

And, me finds an earthworm measuring in feet, thirty-three,

So, I turns to run,

But, that son-of-gun,

Catches and devours me.

     

                                                 The End

REVENGE OF THE GASSY GHOST

A terrible ghost is haunting my house,

It's the guy I had poisoned when he was my spouse,

So gassy is he,

Makes my eyes watery,

And, he's spoiling my Halloween dinner grouse.

THERE WAS AN OLD WITCH ON HALLOWEEN

There was an old witch on Halloween,
Her hair was black, here eyes were green,
She used her broom,
To sweep her room,
Her home was exceptionally clean.


There was an old witch on Halloween,
Her favorite colors were red and green,
No orange and no black,
Other witches fought back,
Turned the old witch into a money machine.

WHERE THE CARIBOU GREW NOT

I went hunting for caribou to put in my stew,

But, where I lived no caribou grew,

Now, there are some black bear,

Some ducks, cougars and hare,

And, barn bats, green snakes, worms and shrew.

WHEN THE FULL MOON IS UP

When the full moon is up and it's chillin',
Then, the werewolves come a killin',
From the deep darkest woods,
They be after your goods,
And, on your meat they will be a fillin'.

I DO NOT LIKE TO FREEZE, MY WOE

I do not like the rain and snow,🌧❄

I do not like off road car blow,🌬🚙

I do not like I freeze, my woe,🙊

I do not like to pay for tow,🚜

Not ready for the ho, ho, ho. 🎅

THE RAINY, RAINY, RAINY LIMERICK

My bones are all in painy,

Cause it rainy, rainy, rainy

It puts hurt into my brainy,

I'll probably go insainy,

Overeat, then weight I'll gainy.

WHERE LAY THE BONES

Snow is coming, this I fear,

My right eye pees a single tear,

I have not stored enough ginger beer,

Nor, have I scored my needs in deer,

Methinks by spring my bones lay here.

WHEN IT COMES TO MONSTERS, DON'T COUNT ON PARROTS

You never know when monsters are going to get you while you sleep,

I taught my parrot to warn me by yelling "BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!"

Well, last night the monsters got me really, really bad,

They painted on me a clown face that looked so awfully sad,

And, what happened to my parrot who was supposed to go "BEEP, BEEP, BEEP,"

Apparently, he said, "to heck with this; I'm going to go to sleep."

THE BEEF POEM

Beef is a prized and expensive thing,
When a customer buys, the butcher angels sing,
And, the cash register has a louder ring,
Beef is so expensive to the billfold it's a sting,
It's even replaced gold as one's favorite kind of bling,
Beef!