SODA POP, OLD

My soda was not hot, and my soda pop was not cold,

My soda pop was flat, because my soda was so old,

Most times, its cold and fizzy,

Which makes me brains, freeze dizzy,

That was the worst soda pop, and mommy, I rightly told.

CAN'T GO WRONG WITH PAISLEY

I bought a new, clearance hoodie; it had a paisley design,

I thought I would go show it off, at the local dine and wine,

I knew I must look really stunning,

As patrons laughed, their tears were running,

I know that when I choose paisley, my social creds, will be fine.

MEDIEVAL EVIL MONSTER

There was a Griffin sitting up in an ash tree,

His laser sharp talons, sliced both arms off of me,

He bit off my head,

Thought then, I was dead,

I decomposed, until there was nothing to see.

THE U-SAP DATE

She gave me a three foot tall of maybes, when I asked her for a date,

Then gave me a two month bout with scabies, she's a zero, I did rate,

My online dating app,

It is called U-SAP,

It has high fees, and feeds off my desire, to find a perfect mate.

BAD MASTER OF THE CAT

I opened up a can of fish, and made some mackerel stew,

I pulled out quite a few bones that I fed to my kitten, Boo,

Boo ate the mackerel bones,

I dined on stew, and fresh scones,

After our dinner, Boo and I fell into our sleeping zones.

I SEE THE CAN AS HALF FULL

Our outdoor potty seems far, far away,

As the cold wind blows on this winter day,

There is the old coffee can,

Half filled by our cousin, Ann,

I will top it off, then inside I'll stay.

I'M NOT READY FOR WINTER

The cold winter wind blows, then repeats,

It's winter, and I have no blankets or sheets,

Deliveries are at a stop,

Even for my dear, soda pop,

And of course, I need a new furnace that heats.

THE PILGRIM MADE PROGRESS, UNTIL...

There was a young pilgrim at my front door, 

He delivered cranberries from the store,

I paid him a tip, 

Away he did skip,

He fell on his butt, and I bet he was sore.

RICH AND POOR: THE DOUGH GLAZER STORY

I sold glazed donuts in my own glazed donut store,

I became filthy rich, and then went dirty poor,

A cave in of my dwelling,

Caused donuts to stop selling,

I had no insurance, so I could not restore.

MOON MONSTER PUTS ASTRONAUT ON HIATUS, FOREVER

I walked all the way to Tranquility Base,

There, a mean moon monster got into my face,

Feeling real tough that day,

I told him to run away,

It's ten years since I vanished, without a trace.

I SING TO STEAL BLING FROM DWARFS AND A DRAGON

I snuck into the mountain, and the dwarfs did not hear a thing,

I grabbed and ran away, with their sparkling jewels, and gold bling,

Then I saw back and forth wagging,

A dragon tale that was dragging,

I sang him to sleep with a lullaby; just glad I could sing.

CANDY CANE BELLY JUICE, AND PORCELAIN

Jimmy found a porcelain toilet, he could use on Christmas Eve,

Jimmy liked eating candy canes, but the canes would make him heave,

On this holiday,

Jimmy stayed with Aunt May,

Aunt May cooked our nice meal, so belly sick Jimmy, could not leave.

LARRY STAYED HOME, AGAIN

It was early morning, and Larry's feet were covered with snow,

And, everywhere that Larry went, the snow would blow blow, blow,

Although he gave it a jerk,

The old snowblower wouldn't work,

Larry couldn't take a cab to his job, because he lacked the doe.

STUPID TIME TRAVELER IRONY

Because its hull is made of the cheapest tin,

My quantum time machine, broke down, once again,

A small puncture makes woe,

My machine just won't go,

I won't make the reservation, for my din.

HANNIBAL IN THE HAY

Once upon a time, there was a pig, named Hannibal,

He liked eating bacon, and was called a cannibal,

On one nice, sunny, fine day,

He fell asleep in the hay,

He was then ate raw by a human, called Animal.

MOMMY HUGS AND SAMMY BUGS

Sammy torments the little crawling bugs,

Bugs get even with deep digs, and wide dugs,

Mostly, the bugs bite,

But, Sammy ain't bright,

Sammy gets infested, from mommy hugs.

THE WHIMSICAL LIFE CYCLE OF BELL FISH

Bell fish are swimming and mating, way out in the bay,

They go ding and they go dong, and they ding dong all day,

Baby bell fish are chimes,

They tinkle many times,

But, those poor baby bell fish, are food for the blue jay

THE LIFE IS SHORT LIMERICK

It is so strange how decades pile in my past,

It seems years fall away; with no good times that last,

No dead flesh date,

To be worm bait,

Soon, I will burn, or into a hole I'll be cast.

MY PRIORITIES ARE BOWLING AND BEER

I sleep away my afternoons,

I sleep away my mornings,

I sick call everyday to work,

Despite my bosses' warnings,

If my financials weren't dire,

I would call my boss and retire,

I would put time into what feels so right,

That is league bowling, at the bar all night.

ONLINE MEME SCHEME, OOPS!

I'm an online influencer, and I went to jail,

I only wish mama would cough up some bail,

I had a fraud scheme,

Selling a counterfeit meme,

The bad thing about schemes is sometimes they fail.

UNCLE LEE IN THE HOOD

Uncle Lee worked on a garbage truck, and picked up garbage all day long,

While Uncle Lee picked all the garbage up, he would always sing a song,

The hood leaders did complain,

Lee's voice brought their ears great pain,

Uncle Lee stoped his singing, but thought the hood leaders, were mean and wrong.

BAD DADDY AND THE PSYCHIC

I went to the local psychic, and what did she say?

She said to move my family, far across the bay,

I did just what she said,

My family has fled,

Then I moved in with the psychic, and that's where I stay.

INFESTATION: SHARP TEETH IN BED

The bedbugs teeth are sharp, and real long,

And, Denny rolled upon the bugs, wrong,

The mad teeth bit in,

Broke wide, Denny's skin,

The Denny Dirge is our local song.

DENNY AND THE CHAMBER POT SAGA

Denny had a chamber pot, made of porcelain as white as snow,

Every place  that porcelain pot sat,  Denny was sure to go,

When the bedroom chambers smelled of rot

A maid would empty the porcelain pot,

Then Denny would fill it up again, when Denny felt the flow.

I WENT TO SUGAR HIGH, ON HALLOWEEN

It lasted only a day and a night, late, last October,

It was all Halloween, and I dressed like my dog named, Rover,

On my tv screen,

Jason chased a teen,

Today I came off my super, sugar high, and

 I'm sober.

THE CHAIR AND TABLE LIMERICK

By my dining table, I have a chair for my seat,

On top of the dining table, I nothing to eat,

Where I bought my table and chair,

I spent all of my money there,

I do have a soda pop, so at least I'll have a treat

American Cuisine, On The Road

I went out to scrape pavement, because I was hungry for sup,

Didn't know if the critter was a weasel, or someone's stray pup,

Too small for a bear,

Really, did not care,

Figured it would taste good mixed with noodles, and served in a cup.

THE CHOIR WITH THE BIG BANG

Benny sang soloist in a choir gang,

Benny ate too many beans, before he sang,

As Benny's britches rang and rang,

The choir master said, "Oh, dang",

Benny's solo ended, with a great big "Bang!".

VOODOO REVENGE

I made a voodoo doll for the man on Sucker St.

He sold me a can of tainted, pickled piggy feet,

My family was up all night,

Getting toilet time was very tight,

I stuck six pins into my foe, in the bad guy's feet.

THAT WICKED WITCH CAST A SPELL ON ME

My meanie wife was a little witch, and a little witch she was,

She cast spells on everyone, and her reason was just because,

She turned my kinfolk into toads,

They all got run over, on the roads,

Just because I crashed the car last last night, she siced on me the fuzz.

EASY PEASY ROCKET SCIENCE

I'm locked in on taking a college, online test,

It's on rocket science, where my brain works the best,

I know the formulas for down and up,

I'll be done with the test, before I sup,

Then, I will play Mario, and lock in some rest.

THE HAUNTING IN MY CHAMBERS

I went into my bedroom chambers to nab me some sleep,

I would have done that, except for the visiting ghost creep,

He just once, shouted "Peek A Boo!"

One fly swatter swat, he be through,

The rest of the night, a sulky silence the ghost would keep

SPARKY THE DOG

Sparky is my sweetie dog,

In my shoes he leaves his log,

I told Sparky he was  bad,

His eyes got really big, sad,

That's the end of this dog blog.

The Sunfish And My Eye

There was this little sunfish, I tried to deep fat fry,

Then a grease spatter popped, taking out my one good eye,

In my bad eye I see fizzy,

Many bubbles that are busy,

The ambulance picked me up, and I went bye, bye, bye.

ICONIC WHISKERS

I had summer sausage for my dinny, din, din,

Much greased dripped down onto my fat chinny, chin chin,

Mixing with pieces of cheese,

It drew mice, rats and sand fleas,

I cleansed myself in a poisoned binny, bin, bin.

PUTREFIED PUMPKIN

After Halloween, my Halloween, cut pumpkin made me cry,

I was emotionally trashed, as I watched him rot and die,

So I fed him to the yard birds,

And, other backyard critter herds,

I watched them chew his face away, and I waved to him, bye, bye.

Putrify

I SKIPPED

I fell toward the wood floor when I slipped,

My shirt caught on a nail and it ripped,

My landing was hard,

It caught me off guard,

So, the rest of my day I just skipped

FRESH FISH STEW FROM THE LAKE OF BLUE

The little creature floating in my stew,

I caught in the lake that was colored blue,

I bopped his head, so he would not come to,

If he did, this day he would come to rue,

He smelled like a fish, and tasted like poo.

THE BALLAD OF UNHAPPY TOM

It got so extremely cold,

Tom's toenails stopped growing mold,

Tom's nose went runny,

Girls found that funny,

Tom stayed alone and grew old.

LITTLE PLANE IN THE ZOO TREE

I took a trip to old Kalamazoo,

I got on a little plane, so I flew,

We got stuck in a tree,

The small plane, crew and me,

I jumped to the ground; got all black and blue.

WARNING: DON'T TOUCH A DOWN ELECTRICAL WIRE WITH A RAKE

I rolled up my very long sleeves,

When I went out to rake some leaves,

Raked up under a pine,

A down electric line,

At my funeral, the wife grieves.  

Today is known as November One,

It's real cold, and there ain't much for sun,

In the pie pumpkin patch,

Pumpkins ready to hatch,

I'll freeze their guts, then the patch is done.

THE HISTORY OF TRICK OR TREATING

On Halloween this family of ghosts,

Marched in parade from coast to coast,

They munched on candy,

When it was handy,

That's how trick-or-treating started, say most.

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STEVE AND THE FIRE DEMON

There once was a big dragon, named Steve,

He ate witches on All Hallows Eve,

He ate a demon called Zeaming

Now Steve's ears are both steaming,

And his breath burns each town, do th he leave.

THE GHOST QUEEN OF HALLOWEEN LIMERICK

Margo was the queen of Halloween ghosts,
She ate candy corn jam on fresh pumpkin toast,
She was a ghost, who grew wider,
Drinking hot apple cider,
She finished off with a marshmallow roast.

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WITCHES MAKE ME ITCHY

I went into the woods and ran into three witches,

I said I couldn't stop and chat because my back really itches,

Then, they told me "what's worse?

Is your new itchy curse,"

So, I scratched so bad I got stitches. 

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HALLOWEEN HAIKU

Tricks, treats, nature change,

Candy, costumes, leaf bare trees,

Party, summer's wake.

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HAPPY HALLOWEENY FROM THE TWO WITCHES AND ME

There is a witch, that's me,

I recruited two more to make three,

And, though we weren't quite a coven

We cooked townsfolk in our oven,

And

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steeped their sweet juices for tea.

THE END OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME

Well, today we've gained an extra hour,

That gives us time for all to shower,

So, relaxed starts the day,

Cause, Daylight Savings Time's gone away,

And, the extra sleep gives us each super power.

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THE FATHER OF ALL PUMPKINS

The Father of All Pumpkins

🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

The father of all pumpkins came into my store,

And said my pumpkin selection was awfully poor,

He said he didn't want to be mean,

But it was Halloween,

And the little witches and goblins want more.

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MY GIRLFREIND IS A VAMPIRE STORY

Mike Colin

STEPHANIE
By Mike Colin
Reporter
Humor News Nuts Publications
In honor of Halloween (All Hallows Eve), I have been assigned to search out local vampires and interview them for this blog. I have no other formal duties for this month. This assignment could literally bite.

Luckily, I did not have to look far for my first interviewee (vampire victim). It seems my girlfriend Stephanie is a vampire. What luck for me, hey? I always thought she was just one of those Goth people. She dresses in black and wears black eye make-up and nail polish. Her arms each have a pair of tattoos of fangs with dripping blood running
down from the fangs. I thought she was kind of cool.

I met Stephanie at a really exclusive club. I was living under a bridge at the time (living under bridges is called trolling in Northern Michigan). Since I was just a local troll, I was never allowed in the exclusive night club called "Jack’s Bloody Brew". Jack’s is one of those new brew pubs that are all over Northern Michigan. Jack’s is famous for beers like Blood Light and Bloody Barry Beer. This beer is not sold in stores so, you can only buy this beer at the club but, I had a friend who got one for me once and it really tastes just like blood with a kick to it like backyard whiskey. I had a really bad hangover the next day.

As I said before, I was never allowed anywhere near this club. A big muscled bald guy stood at the door and if I even walked by the place he would snarl at me. This guy had teeth that looked like fangs so I was quick to get the heck away from there. One night about midnight I happened to be walking by on the opposite side of the street when I saw this beautiful brunet go up to the bald muscle dude and give him the biggest hickey on the neck. It was such an intense hickey that when the gorgeous girl came up for air, I saw blood dripping down the big dude’s neck. I thought that must of hurt but, the bald guy seemed to like it. It put him in a really great mood and he opened the door to the club and hand gestured for me to cross the street. I almost ran across traffic to get inside the bar. The bald guy kept the door held open until I was inside then, he quickly shut it up so no one could drift in behind me.

The only light in the bar came from a few dim candles. I guessed that these people really like to drink in the dark. Maybe the place wasn’t very clean and they didn’t want any bright lights to show up the dirt. The room was draped in black drapes with red pictures on them. I guess these drapes with pictures are called tapestries. The pictures were all of dragons, bats, wolves and, other monsters. It seemed kind of weird but, the weirdest thing about this club was that there were no foosball games or pool tables. The place didn’t even have a dart board. There was a bar so, I decided to try one of their famous home brewed beer (if I could afford it).

I saw the girl that had given the bouncer a hickey at the bar so I sat down on the bar stool next to her. The bartender must have been an identical twin of the brawny bald bouncer out front. Like his brother, the bartender snarled at me with his fangs and said "we serve only club members here".

Then, suddenly the girl next to me leaned across the bar and gave the bartender an intense hickey like she had done to the guy outside. When the girl came up for air the bartender was bleeding streams of blood from a neck wound. This was like the bleeding the bouncer did outside after his hickey and like the bouncer, the bartender suddenly was really nice to me. "What can I get you?" he asked.

"I don’t have much money. How much is a beer?" I asked.

"The beer is free to club members," the bartender informed me "and you are now a club member. Stephanie here has told me she has sponsored you. As to the type of beer I would recommend to a new club member, I think you should have pint of Bloody Barry Beer. I just got some from Barry this morning. I took almost every drop he had so, you had better drink it now because it will be a while before Barry can make some more."

I ended up trying both beers and they both tasted like blood. The bartender informed me that the beer’s secret ingredient was cow’s blood. I started to push the beer away from me. Then, the bartender reassured me that the drinking blood laden beer was no different than eating a rare steak. I liked rare steak so then and there, I decided Bloody Barry Beer was my favorite beverage but, I just hope Barry the brew master could make some more soon.

The beer had quite a kick to it and this made me able to talk to girls. I turned to Stephanie and introduced myself. When she asked me where I lived I told her I was broke and that I had to live under a bridge. Stephanie told me that if I came back to her house with her she would have a proposition for me. I thought I had nothing to loose so I got into her black Jaguar and went home with her.

It was a really nice new home with an upstairs, a downstairs and, a full basement. It was full of really nice black leather furniture and the walls were all painted blood red. There was a fireplace in every room except the kitchen and laundry room. There were paintings on the walls of the living room of really grotesque looking people. When the large stone fireplace in the living room was lit, the room looked both eerie and beautiful. I liked it.

I guessed Goth people were really cool. When I was in high school I thought Goth kids were just a bunch of outcast nerds. My brother Tim always said Goths were "nerd rejects". If Stephanie is a "nerd reject" then sign me up for Goth school. Not only is she gorgeous but, she has done really well for herself to have a fine home like this. No one in family lives even near this kind of house. Everyone I know just thinks about winning enough money at the casino to make a deposit on a double wide. Madam Misty is the only friend I have that had a big house and, she lost it due to lack of business during this recession.

Stephanie has a nice house and the neighborhood is full of fine looking cribs (I learned from MTV that "cribs" is the cool way to say house". Usually people in these homes call people like me "skuzz". I was surprised the police didn’t show up when I got out of her black Jaguar. Back when my dad worked for Roto Rueter, he was arrested for littering and indecent exposure when he drove into one of these kinds of neighborhoods. The muffler fell off his pickup is the reason he was arrested for littering. When he asked why he was being hauled off to jail for indecent exposure he was told that "you showed your skuzzy face off in this neighborhood and nobody here wants to look at it."

Once Stephanie was finished showing me around her house she told me that she had been watching me live under the bridge. I don’t remember seeing Stephanie anywhere’s near the bridge. There were mostly old men and bats living with me under the bridge. Stephanie also said that she was thinking about putting me out of my misery when she started feeling sorry for me.

Stephanie then said to me, "Here’s the deal. In return for my becoming your girlfriend you will move in here and live in his house. Because of my religious beliefs, you will live in the top two levels of the house and I will live in the basement. You must never enter the basement for any reason and you must make sure that no one else ever goes down into the basement. A girl like me needs her privacy. ’

I of course agreed to all her terms. Stephanie was great. In addition to letting me stay in her house, she let me drive her Jag. There was a problem. I could not help but want to go down into the basement just to sneak a peak at the crib my girlfriend lived in. I felt kind of funny taking over the house from her and her moving down into the basement. There were several bedrooms in the house and I did not see why she could not just stay in one of them.

One day, I decided I would have a look down in the basement. Stephanie was a night person so she stayed down in the basement sleeping during the day. She kept the door locked during the day but, left it unlocked when she went out at night. So, I waited until Stephanie left and then I crept down into the basement. At the bottom of the basement stairs I turned on the light. It was a huge basement but, the only thing in it was a black casket. I went over to the casket and looked inside. Except for a few inches of dirt, the casket was empty. I figured Stephanie must sleep in the casket in the daytime since there was not other furniture in the basement. I thought my new girlfriend is really into some sort of extreme yoga if she is living and sleeping like this. I thought then that maybe the Goth lifestyle isn’t for me?

Things were going o.k. for a while then; my friend Madam Misty told me I had better watch out because my girlfriend was a vampire. I thought at first that Madam Misty had been mixing her apricot brandy with her Mogen David wine again. But, Madam Misty was very insistent so, I had to confront Stephanie and find out what was going on. Madam Misty told me I had better confront Stephanie in public or she might just give me a bad case of the bleeds.

I decided to confront my girlfriend at the club where we met. At least the bar tender would be there should Stephanie turn out to be a vampire. He would certainly keep me away from harm. A big guy like that and his bouncer twin brother should easily be able to take on a female vamp.

The bouncer at the club entrance was gone. I easily opened the door and walked into the bar. Stephanie was sitting at her normal stool at the bar. The bartender looked up at me and said "I just got in a fresh batch of Bloody Barry Beer. Would you like a bottle?"

"Yeah, I’ll take one", I said as I bellied up to the bar beside my girlfriend. "I see your twin from out front isn’t here tonight" I said to the bartender.

"No," the bartender replied, "He’s gone south for the winter and I intend on heading down there tonight myself,"

"I guess you should know Mike," Stephanie began," I’m heading to warmer climates myself. I’m going to Cancun for the winter and I don’t know when or, if I’ll be back here any time soon. I have to move on."

I took a big chug down on my beer. I needed the drink to keep my from falling out of my seat. I was devastated. My relationship with this beautiful woman was over. I couldn't’t bring myself to say anything. The shock of loosing Stephanie put me into a deep stupor.

"Because of your loyalty I’m giving you the house and the car," Stephanie said. "There is some cash beneath the box in the basement. Yes, I know you were down there this evening. I also know you psychic friend told you that I am a vampire and yes it is true. I’m over three hundred years old. I’m a blood sucker but, you know I still am at least part human. I haven’t done so bad by you have I?" she asked.

I shook my head and said "No, you’ve been really good to me. I’ll miss you." I had a tear in my eye. I don’t remember the last time I had a tear from being sad. But, I was really sad.

Stephanie took me by the hand and led me out of the club. Stephanie kissed me gently on the neck (no hickey). Then, Stephanie said "got to fly", as she turned away from me with wings sprouting from her back as her blouse ripped to shreds. Stephanie then leaped into flight with here wings flapping. She rose up to meet several other vampires who were flying in a V formation like they were a flock of geese. Stephanie soon fell into formation and vanished with the other vampires beyond the horizon.

Stephanie left me several thousand dollars for taxes and upkeep on the house. A deed and car title arrived in the mail a few days later. I was all set. It was like I was one of those young guys in Florida who stay with an older lady for a home. The only thing is, if Stephanie returns here in thirty years, I’ll be an old man and she’ll still be young. I hope she comes back one day. Until then, I’ll keep her nice home and car in good shape. The club was closed and no one has opened up anything new at that location. It’s like the club never existed at all.

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TRICK FOR TREATS LIMERICK

On Halloween I'll trick for treats,

            I'll fill my bag all up with sweets,

When I've finished my roam,

I'll head for home,

And, settle down with all my eats. 

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PEASANT RECIPE FOR STEW, HAGIS AND SCONES, NOT

I once  knew a great big giant, and his name was Marvelous Mel,

He got all his stew meat from the peasants, he caught down in the dell,

He ground and ground their bones,

To make flaky, crisp scones,

He made haggis from their innards, his recipe, he wouldn't tell.

 

THE MONSTER IN THE SWAMPY LAGOON

I went swimming in a swampy lagoon,
My only light was the light of the moon,
While swimming on my back,
I was a swamp monster's snack,
In his belly it was colored maroon.

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FIST BUMPS AND FANGS

There was a little werewolf in the tree,

The werewolf sat there waiting, just for me,

He growled and showed he was grumpy,

So I gave him a fist bumpy,

He toothy smiled, and howled brilliantly. 

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HEART FAILURE AND THE KNIFE

There once was an iconic, little blogger who could,

He often made videos about carving craft wood,

Then he'd slice up some ham,

And fry it with lite Spam,

Until his arteries got all clogged, under the hood.

THE NAUGHTY CUTIE CAT

I played with his new sneakers, and his sneakers were blue,

I chewed on his iconic socks, and they were blue too,

I'm the cutie cat, named Fred,

Thinking, I'll pee in his bed,

But I'm afraid I'll get caged-up, like the cat at the zoo.

THE GUESTS AT MY BED AND DINNER

It got so cold, I asked the rats to snuggle in,

In my creaky bed with the bedbugs, and my gin,

We were all warm and cozy,

While the outside got snowzy,

Next day, I ate the rats for my six o'clock din.

MEME CREATOR

I created a sweet meme to see if it could gain traction,

Unfortunately, my new meme got no reaction,

It was a silly meme,

It was sort of extreme,

It's unpopular repeats, caused me dissatisfaction.

GETTING REAL AND THE FLAGPOLE

My old burn barrel got way out of control,

Burning the woods down was never my real goal,

And Bigfoot got real mad,

And he made me real sad,

When he tied me to the top of the flagpole. 

JOY RIDDING A REINDEER TO TEXAS

I rode on a magic reindeer in the velvet sky,

I stole the deer from Santa, at the North Pole Fish Fry,

I rode the reindeer all night,

Until I saw the bright light,

Then we touched down in Texas, where the rattlesnakes lie.

THE PAN HANDLER

The guy was away handling pots and pans,

He was the cook on a ship named, The Hans,

When the ship sunk down,

That cook guy did drown,

Trying to save a case of tuna cans.

THE GEEK WHO WENT TO CREEK

In the Michigan city, called Battle Creek,

I went to a thrift store and bought an antique,

A cute porcelain bear,

With ginger colored hair,

When I took it home, my kids called me a geek.

RED CLAY TEETH

Jimmy got locked into flossing, and flossed his front teeth every day,

Jimmy thought flossing was iconic, but he lost his teeth anyway,

When Jimmy got the bad teeth news,

He walked back home in his deck shoes,

Then Jimmy quit his bad news dentist, and made some new teeth from red clay.

RASPBERRIES IN HEAVEN

My overgrown, deep reddish, raspberry vine,

Dug its sticky prickers, deep into my spine,

They stuck me so deep,

They bled me to sleep,

I now pick berries with the angels, divine. 

THE SECRETS OF FABULOUS RANDY

Mr. Randy had a tailor too,

And a man who cut and stitched each shoe,

Dear, old Mrs. Fox,

Knitted Randy's socks,

His coat came from a cow that went "moo".

DESTINATION SEATTLE

Yesterday, I rode upon the air in a big, old airplane,

A Seattle destination, was my one goal, to obtain,

The dang, old plane hit some torque,

We diverted to New York,

I felt anger and confusion, and it exploded my brain.

SCREAM PARK

In the small town of Mancelona, there was a dream,

To build a family fun park with an outdoor theme,

The theme chosen was bears,

But it gave all the kids, scares,

Instead of a fun park, it was the park of the scream.

TIGER, TIGER, FATTY MEAT

I dream all day long of pickled pigs feet,

It's the only food for super I'll eat,

I chew on the thick pig fat,

Thinking I'm one tiger cat,

Gnawing from the bones the fat and the meat.

PODCASTING DULL

Alden did a Tuesday podcast on making a nice, lemon tea,

He thought he would get a million watchers, but all he got was me,

I had to scoff,

I turned it off,

In comments, I said to make better tea, add honey from a bee.

DAY OF THE FARM

After the farm hay, I put away,🚜🌄

An October rainbow made my day,🌈

I picked my pumpkin patch,🎃

It was a record batch,💲

Some bugs ate my beans, I'll make them pay.🐛🐜😡

THE GROCERY CART IN THE VELVET SKY

I painted a picture on velvet, and I call it art,

It's a painting of the constellation called "Grocery Cart",

Everyone can see,

It's a stellar mystery,

For the stars in the constellation are galaxies apart.

SAMMY SEE SAW VICTORY

There was a politician, and his name was Sammy See,

He stated he'd do anything to get my vote from me,

I said I wanted pickles in a jar,

Left on the back seat of my car,

I got my jarred pickles, and Sammy won his victory.

MARY HAD TWO PAIRS OF SOCKS

Mary had just two pairs of socks, she bleached them white as snow,

Everywhere that Mary went, one pair was sure to go,

Mary bloodied up her best pair of socks,

When she tripped over a pile of rocks,

A permanent stain; Mary bought a new pair with her doe.

DENNY FELL DOWN FROM A COCONUT TREE

Big Denny fell down out of a coconut tree,

Then got buried by tree nuts, and stung by a bee,

Some runny coconut milk,

Stained Denny's  shirt, made of silk,

The bee stung Denny's eyeballs, now Denny can't see.

TED TAMED THE SHREW

My doggy ate my goldfish, and my doggy at a little shrew,

My doggy ate my new tennis shoes, because that's what doggies do?

My doggy is named Ted,

He's not right in the head,

He ripped up daddy's favorite chair, and peed on my mommy's bed.

THE WEEPING AND THE SAW

There is a tree called weeping willow, and one was weeping in the street,

It weeped upon my brand new shoes, and got wet my stockings and my feet,

I went and got my grandpa,

We came back with a chainsaw,

Grandpa cut the willow up, and gave termites a home, with lots to eat.

SIX WOODEN PEARS (A Michigan Adventure Story)

I went to a flea market in Saginaw Michigan, to buy me some wooden pears,

They had wooden pears in all colors and sizes, sorted in baskets on folding chairs,

I bought extra large pears; two green and four yellow,

I paid a pleasant man; he was a good fellow,

I took my six pears back home to Flint Michigan, but I do not think anyone cares.

GOLDFISH RHONDA ADVENTURES

Goldfish Rhonda, walked on her tale, out of the sea,

She brought me gold, so I could wear bling and watch tv,

I made buttered popcorn,

She hung around till morn,

Then Goldfish Rhonda, took a cab to Manistee.

Now That I've Got Locked In, I Can Smell My Din, Din

My term paper is due and I must get locked in,

If I don't get locked in my grade is in the bin,

My caffeine coffee is strong,

Like my chocolate Ding Dong,

If I get locked in now, I'll be done by din, din.

THE AIR SHOW DRAGON

My pet red dragon Frederick, has four wings,

They are great for doing acrobatic things,

He can swirl in a turn,

With a fire breathing burn,

Then at the end of his big air show, he sings.

WHY I WAS TENTED BY THE ER

I ate way too much, so I thought it caused me to be sick,

Then I remembered, I swallowed a pointy, thin toothpick,

To the ER I was sent,

Stayed in an oxygen tent,

I found a tv remote for my fingers to click.

SCHOOL FLUNKED, PENSION PUNKED

I failed all my finals and flunked out of college school,

I went to work for my uncle, who does dye and tool,

In my 40th year,

Claimed my pension, oh dear,

Seems my uncle had spent it on parties and a pool.

SELLING THE DILLED ON THE HILLED

I was gonna do up some sour pickles that are dilled,

I was gonna sell um, up by the highway, where it's hilled,

Then I found my dill was full of worms,

With that, I finally come to terms,

I still used the dill, and the quality, each sale confirms.

TED MEWING HIS JAW

Down in the new shopping mall,Ted was mewing on display,

Showing off his big jaw bone size, throughout the live long  day,

Before Ted headed home,

His mewing lips spewed foam,

Afterwards when people saw Ted, they fled quickly away.

AI CLOWN KITE HAS MOVES

My kite has captured the eyes of the town,

My kite has the face of a circus clown,

My kite is controlled by AI,

It twists and turns sharp on the fly,

It dives to crash, then turns sharp up, from down.

MY PARTY, THE ENEMY AND I FLEE

In a small cave I threw a nice party,

Then shows up, my worst enemy, Marty,

Marty drinks our mixed juice,

Then mean Marty lets loose,

Driving us from the cave with his farty.

THE POTATO SUPER EIGHT

There were once eight garden heroes, called The Potato Super Eight,

They protected the vegetable garden, and they were first rate,

They chased off the worms and bugs,

The raccoons, gophers and slugs,

They were eight handsome, perfect spuds, all the green beans wanted to date.

BLUE JAY OLYMPIANS.

Several blue jays set on my laundry line and made a swing,

They swung one at a time like it was a competitive thing,

Each swung high for a while,

Then competed on style,

For a participation award; a worm from the leaf pile.

MEALING WITH TOM

Tom's black eyed peas tasted delicious with butter and salt,

Tom ate too much, so he puked, which caused his eating to halt,

Tom then gulped some tangy drink,

It was lemonade, made pink,

Tom thought through deserts he knew, and picked a chocolate malt.

THE BOUNTY BAIL BLUES

The bounty hunter caught me, he was hot on my trail,

He told me that I must pay the bill on my huge bail,

As robber of my hood,

I will pay, as I should,

When my debt is being paid, that means I'm in a jail.

I HAVE NO RENT HOUSING

Nitty Gritty had no pity,

He owned the slums in the city,

The rent was high,

I said bye, bye,

My new box is itty, bitty.

THE MEME OF FEAR

I lived during the great, strange time of the memes,

Some were silly and funny, others caused screams,

But I am not going there,

I fear the meme of the bear,

With his knife like claws, cutting open my seams. 

MYSTIC MERKEL PREDICTS TRUE

Psychic Mystic Merkel tells the true

About the future of me and you,

Your mom and dad, 

They hate me bad,

If we breakup, it'll be a boohoo.😭😭

MELON, MEAT AND CORN

I had a watermelon, and I cut the melon into three,

One piece for my dog Lindsey, and the other two pieces, for me,

Then I ate a spiral ham,

My dog Lindsey, just got spam,

Then I shared my last can of corn, and Lindsey was tail-wag happy.

BEARDED IRIS IN THE SNOW

I spied a bearded iris in a sea of white snow,

I couldn't imagine what made that lovely iris grow,

The cold made me sneeze, hack and cough,

It should have killed the iris off,

Then a fawn stoped and ate it, watched over by a doe.

THE WRINKLED CARROT IN A JAR

Today I found a wrinkled carrot, sealed tight in a glass mason jar,

It got really dry and spongy, sitting in the backseat of my car,

Where did that dried carrot grow?

In my garden, I think so,

I'll use it as a conversation piece, on display in my wet bar.

I SHOULD HAVE WENT HOME WITH THE TENT

I went tenting, but I lost my warm cozy tent,

A tornado grabbed it, then back home it was sent,

Black rain clouds became my ceiling,

Electric bolts, I was feeling,

I'd be at a motel, but I cannot pay rent. 

THE BOY WITH THE BROKEN THING

Young Jim Flip Joy LaRoy,

Loved his new airplane toy,

He took it to school,

Kids broke it, so cruel,

Jim had tears to deploy.

THE WEREWOLF AND THE BACK BACON

I walked into the butcher shop, and found a dire werewolf, lurking the store,

He had eaten all the butchers and clerks, and the old guy who sweep/mops the floor,

I asked the creature if it was taken?

I meant the last three pounds of back bacon?

The werewolf just looked and growled at me, as I removed the bacon out the door.

MY SOCIAL COMMUNITY IS THE DOUGHNUT BAR: BELLY-UP

Because I leave my accounts, so unattended,

On most social media, I've been unfriended,

I deleted all the posts,

My fans hate the most,

For soc now, it's the doughnut bar, where I'm mended.

I LOVE MY SALTY AND FATTY MEATS

My pacemaker picked up the heart pace,

So I stayed part of the human race,

I could no longer eat,

Tasty, fatty, salt meat,

And that was a boot kick in the face.

INVASION OF THE NOSE COOTIES

Jimmy was invaded by cooties; they ran up his big nose,

Some cooties dripped out in ice-snot, when the temperatures froze,

Jimmy said a little later,

He was a nose cootie hater,

That was after the doc flushed the nose cooties, out with a hose.

VALUE OF LIFE

All the little humans they learn, learn, learn,

That makes their little brain cells churn, churn, churn,

Then they work for others who are stern, stern, stern,

When they die they get to burn, burn, burn,

Then they're all in ashes, and someone sticks them in an urn.

THE IN-LAWS AND MOBY DICK

My awful in-laws have eaten all the worms in my pail,

I needed the worms to go fishing, to catch me a whale,

It just is not funny,

Those worms cost me money,

And in under three minutes, the fishing boat will set sail.

NUT EXCITEMENT

I just picked a little tiny, brown nut,

From a tree growing over my shack-hut,

Oh, Glory bee,

The nut was free,

The excitement ended my daily rut.

NEIGHBORS CAME TO DINNER

My pot of stew fell off the counter, and spread all sloppy across the floor,

Then an invading army of cockroaches, came in under the front door,

Sweep, Sweep, zoom, zoom,

I used the broom,

I could not stop the cockroaches, because they kept on coming, more, more, more.

JOINT COLLABORATIONS WITH CAESAR

I knew this guy named Caesar, and he YouTubed making pizza pie,

I joined him for a joint collab; my food was a greasy French fry,

The pizza turned out good,

My French fry chewed like wood,

We've started our next joint collab; cutting onions without a cry.

I PITIED MY MEAL.TO THE FREEZER

I felt great pity for the salmon I caught from the sea,

I cried when his sad eyes were begging to send him home, free,

I scraped off his scales, 

Pulled out his entrails,

I made fillets for the freezer, for my mama and me.

STONE STEW, MY BLUE

The stew I ate was full of stones and dirt,

The stew caused me a real awful, bad hurt,

I cracked a dear tooth,

I had since my youth,

And broke my jaw, which I had since my birth.

MEAN JIMMY AND THE HACKEY SACK

Darren had a hackey sack, that he kicked around all day,

Then along came Jimmy, who kicked the hackey sack away,

Because of Jimmy's bad,

Darren big eyes went sad,

Jimmy went and retrieved the sack, and bag toss they did play.

DRAGON DREAMS AND SCREAMS

The big, bad dragon really screamed, the big, bad dragon really roared,

After Sammy bled it dry, with a little, pretend sword,

Then Sammy got stung,

By hot dragon tongue, 

Sammy took a nap, because dragon play had made him bored.

MY COUSINS CAME TO.VISIT, FROM CANADA

My Canadian cousins came to visit, and I think they ate my cats,

They are two freckled, 8 year old, red haired girls, and also little brats,

They would have ate my dogs,

But they craved my pollywogs, 

When I visit them in Vancouver, maybe their gerbils will become hats.

THE GREAT ANN ARBOR DRAGON

The great Ann Arbor Dragon turned himself into stone,

For he ate sixty tons of pure, crunchy human bone,

What's acceptable to eat,

Is only the human meat,

The skeleton we use to make a nice candle scone.

BLUE RIBBON TURNUP

The vegetable farm held a turnip contest, once per day,

The heaviest one got a ribbon, and put out on display,

The very heaviest ones,

Were full of worms; sons-of-guns,

The farmer never did care, "they had protein", he'd always say.

WHY I WEAR MY BLINGS

Some people push a theory that the universe is made of strings,

I completely disagree, the verse is made of just pretty things,

It's made of kitty cats,

And puppies that wear hats,

Of course, it's made of golden jewelry, that's why I wear my blings.

FEEDING PETS PETS

Someone ate my pet mosquito,

I think it was my frog named Tito,

My snake, Mr. Sam Nickels,

Ate my rat, Maurice Pickles,

I guess everyone is on a diet called Keto.

DRAGONS UNHEALTHY

Dragons will eat nothing but fatty, red meat,

Their fat clogged arteries won't let their hearts beat,

 The dragons are always joking,

They'll never give up their smoking,

The same old story at every wake greet.

BEETLE AND THE J

I had a pet beetle, but he ran quickly away

He was caught and eaten by an old frazzled blue jay,

At the end of his beak,

The blue jay had a leak,

The guts of my beetle, dripped out of the  jay that day.

YOUNG DRAGON GRIDDLES

There is a fairly young dragon, who lives down by the big lake,

He lives in a cave made of clam shells, from his picnic clam bake,

Since nice, warm summer weather did pass,

Young dragon hooked his stove up to gas,

And fired up his griddle to fry a dragon sized pancake.

THE LITTLE TWEETER ON THE NEWS

The little tweeter was on the nightly news,

He was famous for tweeting his memes and muse,

Open eyes I couldn't keep,

I fell deep down in sleep,

His mouth sounds were boring, so I took a snooze.

THE CORN MOON BANCHEE

The Corn Moon rises up into the September sky,

Forest monsters are dancing, and weird pumpkins, they fly,

The great pigs we baste and roast,

Feeding any passing ghost,

While just this side of the Moore's, there's a lone banshe cry.

TITANS OF TETHER BALL

I chose 13 winners for my lethal tether ball team

We were gonna be the greatest of champs, so it did seem,

We knocked competition to the floor,

Until they would beg for no more,

We won every match; "meanies", our opponents would scream.

DEAD WITH POODLE NED

My universe collapsed down on my head,

It was my dog coup; I knew I was dead,

I was in doggy heaven,

With my bestie hound, Kevin,

And my enemy, a Poodle, named Ned.

FREEDOM SOMETIMES COSTS A CHUNK OF FLESH

The parakeets in the pet shop, planed on making  a daring, cage break,

When the clerk opened the cage to feed them, a chunk of flesh they would take,

One keet took a big bite,

The others went to flight,

They flew out the store door to their freedom, and the sun made them awake.

I'M NOT PLAYING WITH A FULL DECK

I needed a deck of plain playing cards,

So I went shopping in peoples front yards,

I found a deck, not new,

Missing cards, quite a few,

I bought it, and to play cards is real hards.

I WAS GONNA VOTE, BUT I WENT TO JAIL

I went to vote on this sunny day,

I could vote what I wanted to say,

The parking was real tight,

I got into a fight,

I went to jail, and that's where I'll stay.

DROP PASTE SOUP

When the tuna and mayonnaise spoil,

And you have nothing to feed the highness, the royal,

Grab a cup of toothpaste,

Mix in cough drops to taste,

Serve when on the stove, you've brought the soup to a boil.

WARNING:  DON'T EAT OR YOU'LL BE SORRY

WARNING:  FIRE HAZARD

A LITTLE LIFE GROUNDED, AFTER DREAM

I invested in sugar markets, because I got a sweet deal,

I bought sugar futures, because they have that upper classy feel,

I could prance as a snob,

As the peasants I rob,

Of course, I can't pay room rent, because my fancy dreams just ain't real.

I WAS A LITTLE RASPBERRY

I was a little red raspberry, a raspberry I was,

I started getting somewhat rotten, and grew a little fuzz,

Someone wanted me for sup,

So they tried to clean me up,

I spread out into red pimples, like an old raspberry does.

UNHINGED TRUMPETER

Tory the 1st chair trumpeter, became quite unhinged,

Because on Johann S. Bach, all night she super binged,

Her lips were sore,

Her tongue was tore,

She started Toccata and Fugue, and her fingers cringed.

BAD CREDIT AND NO HORN

Fred decided to buy a  new shinny horn, cornet,

Fred went to Hornhub, they are found on the internet,

Fred picked out one that shined,

His credit was declined

Now Fred has not a mouthpiece, and  lips dripping wet.

The family wanted me to treat,

By paying for a burger-fries eat,

But they are full of vicious deceit,

They never can lift the toilet seat,

So no to treat of taters and meat.  

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WHAT MY ZOMBIES WILL EAT

I kept a couple of zombies in my basement, for fun,

I fed them orange Jello, and pickled pigs feet on a bun,

They ate my wife, a librarian,

Then became brat, vegetarian,

Without pigs feet; it's orange Jello on a bun and I'm done.

I EAT PETS AND OTHER YUMMY THINGS

I'm eating the beagles, I'm eating the frogs, 

I'm eating the things that crawl under logs,

I ate the goldfish,

The kids named it Trish,

I even ate snakes where everyone jogs.

THE KNIGHTESS AND THE BAD DRAGON

There once was a dragon with the littlest hands,   

He wanted absolute rule over all the lands,

But along came a knightess,

Who just did what was rightess,

She chased off the dragon, and the dragon got banneds.

THE RED PLANET FROZEN BARS

So, methinks I was headed up to Mars,

But my spaceship fell back down and crushed cars,

I got a lawsuit,

From each crushed toot, toot,

Now I deliver to stores ice cream bars.

WISHES OF AN AI SLAVE

My body was made in April, and my big brain was made in May,

I am an AI coffee pot, and a coffee pot I will stay,

I wanted to be a regular boy,

I dreamed they named me Little Roy,

At least make me a toaster oven, if only I had some say.

MY CANARY IN THE COAL MINE

I took my canary into the coal mine, but he did not do too well,

My canary started teetering on one foot, then off his perch he fell,

A bad poisonous gas,

Through his bird lungs did pass,

Too bad my birdie died that day, for I had bought him a new seed shaped bell.

CRUSHED DREAMS OF THE CELLIST

My cello was run over by a sports car,

It's destroyed, now I won't be a cellist star,

I thought it wouldn't get injured,

So it was never insured,

I went from concerts, to tending a dive bar.

THE DILL THRILLED GRANNY

When I stepped upon the big, growing weed, called dill,

It was growing up on a sand and rocky, hill,

It stood in the hot sun,

It was the only one,

I took the dill home to granny; she got a thrill.

WHEN YOU HEAR A JEEP BEEP FROM BEHIND

Junior Otto has a little old jeep,

Up the hill it will very, slowly creep,

A couple of takes,

The jeep has no brakes,

Going downhill, Junior relies on his beep.

THIS BOLD MAN...

This bold man, he had a son,

He had two, but away the other run,

With a big black Cadillac, decked out in golden chrome,

This bold man, from his mouth, he dripped a foam,

This bold man, had a home with a view,

He hated his neighbors, and they hated him too,

With a big black, Cadillac, decked out in golden chrome,

This bold man, from his mouth, he dripped a foam,

This bold man, had a yacht on the sea,

With the rich and powerful, he liked to party,

With a big, black Cadillac, decked out in golden chrome,

This bold man, from his mouth, he dripped a foam,

This bold man, he could not fall asleep,

His son had called him a greedy, selfish creep,

With a big, black Cadillac, decked out in golden chrome,

This bold man, from his mouth, he dripped a foam,

This bold man, at a new beginning, he did arrive,

He became kind and generous, and finally felt alive,

He sold his big, black Cadillac, his yacht, and fancy home,

He quit all his drooling, and built a homeless shelter dome.

THE LIMERICK OF A RELATIONSHIP FOOL

I have limitations and those limitations are quite vast,

Most come from my great ignorance, cultivated in my past,

Captive in love of cutie Kim,

Serving dear Kim, whim after whim,

But once we were newly married, my Kim's love became hate, real fast.

THE ENSEMBLE: STRINGS, SPOON AND BASSOON

My orchestral instrument is the tin spoon,

The guy sitting next chair, blows a wood bassoon,

When spoon hits bassoon wood,

The sound is mostly good,

Supported by strings, we make a pretty tune.

KITCHENING WITH JENNY

Jenny had many pans and Jenny had some pots,

Jenny had a toaster, and toasted lots and lots,

Jenny had a new, hot air fryer,

Fancy cookware? she was a buyer,

When Jenny has food leftover, it sits and rots.

THE LOVE LIMERICK

I fell in love with a new sweetie,

We met while online going tweety,

We tweeted like birds,

With love-dovey words,

Perhaps real soon we will meety.

BAD DOG

My swollen eyeballs popped out of my head,

They were ate by my hound doggy, named Fred,

Fred's mouth gave out a loud burp,

His backside whimpered a chirp,

Such a bad day, so I went back to bed.

OTTO AND HIS LITTLE CAR, AND THE DEALERSHIP

Otto bought a brand new car, but it wasn't nearly big enough,

When Otto went to the grocery store, he didn't have room for stuff,

He had food for just half his kids,

The others had to hit the skids,

Otto tried taking back his car, but the dealer was mean and tough.