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Leigh Collin Brandt

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Monday, November 30, 2015

A WILD PIG STEALS MY PAPER

A wild pig steals my paper each day,
What he does with it I really can’t say,
But, I don’t think it is funny,
Cause it cost so much money,
He gets my paper and Istill  have to pay.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

WHY I CAN'T HUNT NO MORE

I went out hunting bear,
The bear went out hunting me,
I dropped my gun and went on the run,
But, the bear beat me to my RV,

I went out hunting deer,
I shot at an enormous buck,
I missed and hit a little doe,
My fine could have bought truck,

I went out hunting turkeys,
But, I did not see a one,
I accidentally shot my neighbors goose,
Now, a judge says my hunting's done.

Friday, November 27, 2015

THE ELEVATOR LIMERICK: GOING UP

John's elevator went to the very top floor,
But, when he got there he couldn't open the door,
So, to avoid having a stroke,
John lit up a smoke,
And, the sprinkler started to pour.

 

Thursday, November 26, 2015

THE HOUSE WARMING

My woodstove was in a really bad spot,
It was in the library with books and that lot,
Well, my yard looks really neat,
The house burnt up quite complete,
All that’s left is the wood stove and pot.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

CHEF BOBBY MAKES THE BEST SALAD

Bobby was the greatest chef,
He was the greatest chef around,
He made his meals all from scratch,
Then, fed them to his hound,

On Thanksgiving Bobby had some dinner guests,
 To show off some cooking feats,
For an appetizer he made a of kind of stew,
With pickled marinated beets,
 
Bobby cooked a turkey,
Until it's skin was golden brown,
Bobby basted the turkey with peanut oil,
It was the best turkey in the town,

Bobby made some turkey stuffing,
He added cheddar cheese,
He also added ground black pepper,
This made his guest all sneeze,

Bobby made some salad,
He added carob seed,
He mixed in all the greens he found,
But, mostly it was weed.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

IN THE DEER-WOODS I SET UP A TENT

In the deer-woods I set up a tent,
I set up a wood-stove and piped out a vent,
Heat was my desire,
But, my whole tent caught fire,
So, out to the cold woods I went.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

THERE ONCE WAS A SNOWMAN NAMED BILL

There once was a snowman named Bill,
He always had a bad chill,
But, one sunny day,
Bill melted away,
So, getting warm wasn't a thrill.

There once was a snowman named Bill,
He sat on the side of a hill,
As the snow melted one day,
Bill slid down like a sleigh,
And, he forgot to leave us a will.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

DAVID THE YOUNG MAN OF DREAD

David was a young man of dread,
He was always unhappy in his head,
He looked down and not up,
Like some sad little pup,
While, blue skies hid dark clouds in their stead.



Friday, November 20, 2015

THE OYSTER EATING SUNFISH

There was a sunfish that liked to eat oyster,
He marinated it to make it much moister,
He once invited over a date,
But, his oyster did not rate,
It had the texture of rope from a cloister.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

MY DROOLING DOBERMAN AND I

My doberman is really cruel,
He stands over my pizza to drool,
He smiles with no care,
And, that I can't bare,
Just wait until his license renewal.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

CELL PHONE HAIKU

Cell phone, static noise,
Sister's birthday, call dropped twice,
Communication?

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

MY FAILURE TO BAKE A GOOD CAKE

My cake was a bit overdone, 
The frosting was a watery run,
 And, the flavor I fear,
Was like old skunky beer,
And, heaving vomit for weeks was not fun.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

VINNY THE HANDYMAN

Vinny hung a picture up on the wall,
He hung it wrong and watched it fall,
Vinny laid down linoleum in front of the door,
He used the wrong glue so up came the floor,

Vinny rewired his old VCR,
When he plugged it in the flames shot up real far,
Vinny motorized an old go cart,
But, he was never able to get it to start,

Vinny realized he was no handyman,
So, he went to the kitchen to play pot and pan,
But, there it was evident that he was not a chief,
His baked goods were hard and he burned the roast beef.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

HUNTING CAMP LIMERICK (WHAT REALLY GOES ON)

At hunting camp we hunted for deer,
But, some of us were just insincere,
We stayed warm at the camp,
All dry and not damp,
And drank down six cases of beer.



Friday, November 13, 2015

I WONDER WHERE MY TOOLS ALL WENT

I wonder where my tools all went,
Did the neighbor bring back the ones I lent?
Did someone find my tools had quite an appeal,
And, take the time to just out-and-out steal?
Was it my cousin or brother?
Or, maybe grandmother?
If I didn't need tools it wouldn't be such a big deal.

RITA THE CHEETAH BITES ME THEN I YELL

I went to see Mr. Gooddell,
He lives in the zoo's big cat cell,
He has a pet there named Rita,
She's an African cheetah,
When she bites me I'll let out a yell.

 

Thursday, November 12, 2015

A LITTLE LIE TO MY GIRLFRIEND ABOUT MY HOME

I'm afraid I told my girlfriend a little fib,
When I bragged about my fabulous crib,
She was taken aback,
With my tar papered shack,
And, jabbed her elbow right into my rib.   

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

THE HEALTH CARE FRAUD LIMERICK

Jim's doctor does claims for fraudulent health care,
The doctor makes loads of money and Jim is aware,
For Jim fakes a heart attack,
And gets a hefty kickback,
You see there's lots of government money to share.  

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

THE UNSEEN DEER LIMERICK

There was a deer that was completely unseen,
He was hiding in branches real thick and real green,
To the hunters despair,
They saw no deer there,
At deer camp the hunters drank and went mean.

Monday, November 9, 2015

THE FISH IN MY YARD LIMERICK

I had a fish in my yard,
He went and ate my swiss chard,
He was such a savage, 
He ate all of my cabbage,
He brags about it everywhere like a bard.   

Sunday, November 8, 2015

ZOMBIE TREAT

There were nothing but zombies left on my street,
They were all looking for someone with big brains to eat,
But, because I don't dig they're groove,
I guess I'll just move,
And, not end up some zombie's lunch treat.

BEETLE BUGS IN MY RUGS

I went to clean my kitchen rugs,
They were full of beetle bugs,
They were thrown out the door,
I went down to the store,
Bought new rugs infested with slugs.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

I CUT THE CABLE TV BUT, I DID NOT CUT THE ELECTRIC WIRE

When I dug a hole to plant a red maple tree,
Oops!  I cut the cable to my cable TV,
But, the cut electrical wire,
Which caused a neighborhood fire,
I didn't do so, please don't blame me.



Friday, November 6, 2015

MY TURKEY MABEL WON'T BE SERVED ON MY TABLE

My turkey Mabel looked really nice,
Prancing around and pecking lice,
So, my turkey Mabel,
Won't be served on my table,
The restaurant paid a great price.



 

Thursday, November 5, 2015

MY TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN II

My time machine broke down back in Ancient Rome,
I met Nero Czar and he was a weird little gnome,
He'd sit out in his flower garden,
Passing gas and saying "pardon",
Then, he'd spout some idiotic poem.
 

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

THE DASHSHUND DAN LIMERICK

Poor Dachshund Dan,
He wanted to walk like a man,
But, when he walked on two legs,
It was like he was moving stiff pegs,
And, he was stumbling around when he ran.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

MY CHICKENS ARE MOVING REAL SLOW

My chickens are moving so slow,
They blame the cold and the snow,
But, if the cold they can't beat,
I guess they're ready to eat,
Tomorrow I'll let them all know.


Monday, November 2, 2015

MY COMPLAINT ABOUT WORMS (IN MY SOUP)

I complained about a worm in my soup,
It squirmed around in a loop,
It was not spaghetti,
And, I don't think I'm petty,
For, at the bottom of the bowl was a group.


Sunday, November 1, 2015

THERE ONCE WAS A BIG BUCK-LIMERICK

There once was a big buck white tailed deer,
During hunting season he had nothing to fear,
He dressed up in hunting gear,
His breath smelled like beer,
No hunters knew the big buck was so near.