Follow Me On Twitter
Leigh Collin Brandt

Translate

Search This Blog

Sunday, July 31, 2016

FREE PORK FROM THE EX

Steve knew his stomach was troubled,
As it perked, gurgled and bubbled,
He ate rancid pork that was free,
From former wife named Kaylee,
Now, his bathroom trips have more than doubled.


Saturday, July 30, 2016

FRESH TUNA FROM THE BEACH

I go down to the beach to pick up tuna, 
I work under the light of old Luna,
And, although the tuna is rotten and dead,
They keep my family fed,
But, sometimes I must fight with a  raccoona.

Friday, July 29, 2016

LIVESTOCK AND HEMLOCK

Jim raised cattle in the town of Hemlock,
Yet, the town's name don't sound friendly for stock,
For the main plant found round there,
Ain't corn, apple or pear,
But, the stopper of the chest thumping tick-toc.



Thursday, July 28, 2016

BEING DIFFERENT ON THE BOTTOM

My little pontoon boat has sprung a big leak,
So, in seaweed on the lake bottom a refuge I seek,
And, all the fish way down there,
Give me such a real nasty stare,
That, I feel like a fish they label a "freak."

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

MY COLD ZONE FROSTY CONE

I had but one small frosty cone,
I saved it for a heatwave yet unknown,
Then, when the temps made a big jump,
And, heated up my small dump,
My cone put me in the coolest cold zone.


Tuesday, July 26, 2016

THE OVERLY RIPE STRAWBERRY LIMERICK

I picked strawberries that were overly ripe,
And, the juice ran off my counter, oh cripe!
Of course it takes work and not brains,
To get out carpet stains,
So, my white carpet has a red stripe.

Monday, July 25, 2016

MY RICE WITH NO PUDDING

My rice pudding was all pudding free,
For only the rice was affordable to me,
But, maybe next year,
I'll spend far less on beer,
Then, there will be pudding and rice, maybe tea.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

THE CHOPPER AND MY LOST, MANGLED KITE

I flew my kite on one windy day,
Then along came a chopper that cut it away,
The chopper-man gave me a smile,
While all the while,
My kite blew far, far astray.

I knew that my kite was forever gone,
For I waited up waiting from dusk till the dawn,
And, I feared once in the trees,
My kite would be mangled by breeze,
And, pieces spread over somebody's lawn. 


Saturday, July 23, 2016

THE COURT WANTS ALL MY GREEN

Four unpaid tickets and to jail I go,
When I get out?  I do not know,
The town court wants all my green,
While jobs I'm in-between,
If I get out I think out of town I will blow.

Friday, July 22, 2016

THE FOREST WENT QUIET

My neighbors love their poacher pie,
But, when the squirrels disappeared it made me cry,
So, because of my neighbors' diet,
The forest went quiet,
And, nothing to see that can swim, run or fly.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

THE WISEST FLY ON THE PIE

The wisest fly on the pie,
Knew to vacate after the flies caught my eye,
And, as the wisest fly flew away,
The others breathed my bug spray,
Just one fly left and he's faster than I.



Wednesday, July 20, 2016

PARDON MY FISH

On my fish stringer there were fish that were without hope,
They splash around on the stringer, I guess that's how they cope,
It's like they're asking for a pardon,
But, my heart has to harden,
And, to free my dinner I just have to say nope.


Tuesday, July 19, 2016

I DON'T PUT THE QUARTERS IN MY LEAKY POT

I took a pottery class and made me a pot,
But, it didn't hold liquids because it leaked a lot,
So, I stored in it my change,
The denominational range,
Except quarters, I spend all that I got.


Monday, July 18, 2016

BEEF ROAST WITH SQUIRMING RICE

My beef roast was loaded with squirming rice with eyes,
Finding rice in my roast was quite a surprise,
I queried how they got there?
And, the answer grayed my black hair,
It seems they were laid there by swarming black flies.  

Sunday, July 17, 2016

EVIL ROY THE MOTH LIMERICK

Roy was a great big summer moth,
He only ate pure cotton cloth,
He would never play fair,
Ate holes in underwear,
The drafts made you yearn for hot broth.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

THE DRY NOODLE LIMERICK

Jim's noodles were so very dry,
They cracked his teeth oh my, oh my,
And, Jim's teeth were brand new,
So, the noodle maker he'll sue,
Jim wins if in the courtroom he'll cry.


Friday, July 15, 2016

THE RAT THAT ESCAPED FROM HIS CAGE

My pet rat has escaped from his cage,
His imprisonment has filled him with rage,
So, I dare not linger,
Lest I loose a toe or a finger,
For a war I fear he may wage.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

THE GINGERBREAD AQUARIUM

Ron built an aquarium out of gingerbread,
It didn't hold water and his fish are all dead,
It may not be too soon,
To say Ron's mind's out of tune,
Ron thought the bread would keep his little fish fed.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

A LIMERICK WITH NO MEANING BUT, IT RHYMES

Recces Roy set cans on fire,
They were garbage cans full of plastic wire,
He got away and then found,
The plastic wire underground,
Such groups signal a future that's dire.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

SELF-STICKING FLOOR TILE IS TRICKEY

I bought some floor tile but made the wrong pick,
My self-sticking floor tile didn't want to stick,
So, I got out some glue,
And, when I was through,
I knew self-sticking floor tile required a trick.

Monday, July 11, 2016

THE BEEF POEM

Beef is a prized and expensive thing,
When a customer buys, the butcher angels sing,
And, the cash register has a louder ring,
Beef is so expensive to the billfold it's a sting,
It's even replaced gold as one's favorite kind of bling,
Beef!

Sunday, July 10, 2016

THE CANNIBAL LIKED BASIL AND DILL

There was a cannibal who lived on a hill,
He liked to eat peasants with basil and fresh dill,
Now, he grew the basil from seed,
But, stole the dill weed,
From the peasants' kitchen garden windowsill.


Saturday, July 9, 2016

FIRECRACKERS CAUSED MY EATING DISORDER

Firecrackers were so very loud last night,
They frightened my kitty and made him bite,
The crackers caused me ear pain,
And, most likely weight gain,
Because eating makes the crackers sound right.

Friday, July 8, 2016

I FISH FOR FOOTWEAR

I went out trolling and caught me a boot,
It fit well so I trolled for a suit,
Now, all I caught was a shoe,
But, it was red, white and blue,
So, I gave it a naval salute.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

I BAN GETTING TAN

My tan lotion didn't make me real tan,
Instead, I turned red like tomatoes in a can,
Then, my skin peeled and peeled,
Until, I finally healed,
Now, sunbathing is an activity I ban.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

MY PET PIG DIDN'T PAY HIS CHILD SUPPORT, AGAIN

My pig's child support payments had failed,
So, he was arrested and sentenced and jailed,
And, it didn't please the court,
When my pig went "snort, snort,"
For those comments he was really nailed.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

THE BIRD BRAIN

A bird was flying right at me,
I wondered what it was,
It's identity was not important,
I just wondered just because,

I guessed it was a blue jay,
Then, I guessed it was a sparrow,
Then, I guessed it was a raven,
Then, I was struck down by the arrow.

Monday, July 4, 2016

A TIGER, A PIE AND THE FOURTH OF JULY

At a picnic on the Fourth Of July,
A tiger ate all of my apple pie,
I told him that in my heart there's no room,
For anyone who would wrongly consume,
And, that's when he started to cry.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

I WENT OUTSIDE TO BURN A TIRE

I went outside to burn a tire,
It lit real fast and the flames jumped higher,
Then, it caught my neighbors pine tree on fire, 
The settlement means I won't retire.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

HOLIDAY TRAFFIC LIMERICK

The holiday traffic got kind of speedy,
For those going to resorts were all chill pill needy,
But, they brought with them lots of cash,
To fix their rides after a crash,
And, have money left to stay at someplace not too seedy.

Friday, July 1, 2016

BRAIN PUDDING

I don't mind being called a Hypocrite,
I often say one thing then, do the opposite bit,
Ideas, my mind can't hold,
My brains are pudding I've been told,
But, I'm not the one having a fit.