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Leigh Collin Brandt

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Tuesday, January 31, 2017

WHEN THE ROOF CAVES IN

Heavy snows made my old roof go crash,
Without insurance, I ran out of cash,
So, I got a loan from a bank,
Watched my credit tank,
I still have my barrel of corn mash.
 

Monday, January 30, 2017

ODE TO MY SNOW COVERED SHACK ON THE HILL

My snow covered shack up on the hill,
Came crashing down upon my still,
It buried my corn, my sugar, my mash,
It even buried two cans of corned beef hash,
All I saved were some pickles; I think they're dill.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

MY FAJITA FELL ON THE FLOOR

My fajita fell on the floor,
I was sad because I couldn't make anymore,
I had no meat or veggies,
Or, one piece of real cheese,
I was now very fajita poor.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

I COULD NOT PLAY MY TOOT, TOOT, TOOT

I could not play my toot, toot, toot,
My trumpet was broken but, not my flute,
Hence, I sounded a peep, peep, peep,
Which made the conductor weep, weep, weep,
So, out of the orchestra I got the boot.

Friday, January 27, 2017

THE TEXTING WHILE DRIVING LIMERICK

Texting and driving I just overdo,
That's why I crashed into the  bear cage at the Big City Zoo,
Then, all the bears left their cage,
Went on an eating rampage,
Now, the victim's families are threatening to sue. 

Thursday, January 26, 2017

THE JOHN VIEN TOOTHPICK LEGEND

Old John Vien cut the timber down,
On his eighty acres,
He floated the logs down the stream,
To find some timber takers,

John Vien hopped among the logs,
With a stick to clear logs that cram,
All went well until the water stopped,
At a beaver's big log jam,

Now, John Vien's timber float,
Was ending as the logs crammed tight,
But, John Vien had on his river boat,
A load of dynamite,

The dynamite blew up the dam real good,
But, the logs were now splinters in the air,
That's how John Vien started his toothpick business,
Now, his toothpicks are sold everywhere. 




MY SISTER GIVES HAIRCUTS

My sister gives haircuts, oh dear, oh dear,
She'll steady her hand for a six pack of beer,
Or, when she gets through,
You'll know nightmares come true,
Unless,  away from your reflection you steer.


Wednesday, January 25, 2017

MY LIFE INSURANCE SALESMAN

A zombie came up to my door,
And, sold me life insurance until I was poor,
He put me in my place,
As he chewed on his own face,
So, I got a second job so I could buy more.

My life insurance policy really paid,
To my wife and her boyfriend's accolade,
Now, my life insurance agent, the zombie,
Works for some company named Crombie,
And, his bite got me into the zombie parade.


Tuesday, January 24, 2017

MY PICCOLO VS A TRUMPET CARILLON

A trumpet carillon played all through the night,
They kept me awake which started a fight,
But, their brass horns hit true,
Making me all black and blue,
And, up my nose my piccolo fit real tight.

Monday, January 23, 2017

DAVID AND THE TALKING TOE DIMPLE

David had d dimple on his little bitty toe,
And, that dimple deepened as his toe began to grow,
Then, that dimple started to really talk,
Which gave David pause to walk,
For each step the dimple shouted "Ouch! Ouch! WOE!!!"

Sunday, January 22, 2017

GRANDMA'S PORCELAIN RABBIT

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor,
It scattered pieces from the TV to the door,
The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase,
But, I think I'll not replace,
I'll use the money to buy a pizza, ...toppings four.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

I WENT TO SHOOT TARGETS

I went to shoot targets with my new recurve bow,
I let loose the arrow and boy did it go,
But, there were no accolades from charm,
For I hit my dad in the arm,
He stood  too close to the big plastic doe.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

I SMELL A LITTER BOX

I have the laziest cat in my dwelling,
Lately, his litter box has been smelling,
I told my cat to clean it out,
But, he just cracked open another stout,
Then, said that if I didn't clean it out he was telling.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

QUIGLEY'S FAMILY CAME FROM OUTER SPACE

Quigley's family came from outer space,
They lacked human components like feet and face,
But, the world was fooled,
For the kids were home schooled,
While, the Quigleys dined on the human race.

STICKER TICKER SHOCK

I went to buy meat and was shocked by the sticker,
The price was so high that it shut down my ticker,
When revived, I went to the bar,
And, received one more jar,
At the price I was charged for my liqueur.


Tuesday, January 17, 2017

TOTSIE TERMITE AND TICKER TAPE

Tootsie Termite took ticker tape,
Tickered tourist Tommy Thape,
The ticker tumbled,
Tommy trumbled,
Toward Tootsie's teacher Terri Twape.


Sunday, January 15, 2017

A LAMENT FOR MY GREEN-SNAKE

My giant pet green-snake named Nork,
Ate only pizza with pepperoni and pork,
Poor Nork died from the wheeze,
When his pizza had cheese,
Nork had a food allergy since he lived in County Cork.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

MY BACK, OLD SHACK AND LEAVES

I'm racking leaves and oh my back,
My chest is feeling heart attack,
There's too many trees around my old shack,
But, if the leaves catch fire then a shack I'll lack,
Still, I'm so tired I'd like to hit the sack,
I'm giving up now for a nap and snack.

Friday, January 13, 2017

MY SHOES GOT MUDDY LIMERICK

My little shoes they got all muddy,
Then, everywhere I went they called me cruddy,
Now, I read the news,
And, changed into clean shoes,
Still, I found no one stepped up and called me buddy.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

I HIBERNATE BUT I'D RATHER HEAD SOUTH

As Mr. Winter opened his mouth,
Many tweeters flew to the South,
But, when I felt the cold air,
I was a hibernating bear,
Still, I envy critters that are heading douth.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

HUNTING LEACHES FROM A PERCH

The leach knew he was in a larch,
When the raven flew down from his perch,
But, a breeze full of smog,
Filled the bird's view with fog,
Then, the raven failed in his search.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

BRAIN PUDDING

I don't mind being called a Hypocrite,
I often say one thing then, do the opposite bit,
Ideas, my mind can't hold,
My brains are pudding I've been told,
But, I'm not the one having a fit.

Monday, January 9, 2017

MONKEYS, CATTLE AND RATTLESNAKES LIMERICK

Two little monkeys raised and sold some cattle,
Then over the proceeds they started to battle,
One thought it was best,
That in cattle they reinvest,
The other wanted to raise snakes that would rattle. 

I BUILT A CABIN IN A SWAMP

I built a cabin in a swamp,
So, I'd have a place to romp,
I love all the snakes and the bugs,
With them it's kisses and hugs,
But, on the lizards I like to stomp.


Sunday, January 8, 2017

A BANANA MUTED MY TOOT

My trumpet I tried and tried to make toot,
It didn't work because it was stuffed with a fruit,
It seems my dear nanna,
Didn't like her banana,
The fruit fit my trumpet but not grandpa's flute.

WHAT'S IN THE STEW TOO

Me thinks my stew meat was foreign born,
From overhead flypaper the wind doth torn,
But, the stew isn't for me,
So, I'll just leave it be,
And, say the stew meat is really burnt corn.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

FARE THEE WELL MY PUMPKIN PATCH

Fare thee well my Pumpkin Patch,
May you  grow pumpkins that I might hatch,
So that I might take the seeds,
For on such yields my family feeds,
And, some seeds to sow next season's batch. 

WHAT'S IN THE STEW?

Margaret, Margaret what's in the stew?
I ate here on tuesday and came down with the flu,
I use to think no stew finer,
Than the stew at your diner,
But, the last day I ate I rue.

Friday, January 6, 2017

THE TRAIN, BRAIN AND CHEAP RENT GAIN

Next door there was this train,
It's tooter hurt my little brain,
But, my rent was real cheap,
Apartment easy to keep,
Thus, my bank account had a small gain.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

MARY LOVED EATING CRAWDADS

Mary loved eating crawdads,
She found them in rivers under stumps,
But, if she ate too many crawdads,
Her hands swelled up with bumps,

When Mary ate lots of crawdads,
She became sweaty and quite wheezy,
Then, her throat would greatly swell up,
And, her food did not go down so easy,

So, Mary quit eating crawdads,
She now eats just tadpoles,
She figures whether it's amphibians or crustaceans,
Their flesh tastes great as does their souls.


Wednesday, January 4, 2017

WHAT'S IN THE STEW?

Margaret, Margaret what's in the stew?
I ate here on tuesday and came down with the flu,
I use to think no stew finer,
Than the stew at your diner,
But, the last day I ate I rue.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

THE BIGGEST PICKLE IN THE JAR

I wanted the biggest pickle in the jar,
I gazed through the glass and soon found my star,
So, with my fork I went jar-fishin'
Catchin' the biggest pickle I was wishin'
After days I haven't captured it so far.

Monday, January 2, 2017

DON'T TRUST BEARS CAUGHT BENEATH A TREE

I found a bear caught beneath a fallen tree,
I got behind him and pushed the big bear free,
I thought I made a new friend,
But, where did I end?
In the bear's belly; where else would I be?

Sunday, January 1, 2017