FIRE WEST

I drove my van out West to see the big fires,

I was doing real good till the heat melted my tires,

There was no turning around,

So, I took off across the ground,

But, got caught then, I burned up in some briars.

INVESTING

I was taught to invest and to save,
It was the only way to behave,
But, things are not sunny,
I lost all of my money,
Investing dug my money it's grave.

THE MONKEY IN THE CAGE LIMERICK

There was a monkey in a cage,
His incarceration filled him with rage,
If you wanted his scoop,
He’d throw at you some poop,
Interpretation: he hates this age.

VAPING AND THE MULTIVERSE DON'T MIX

A creature came from the multiverse and it was really bad,

It's secretions dissolved things like my brother, mom, and dad,

Their demise led me to almost escape,

But, I had to stop and vape,

My mom said vaping was habit forming but, I learned too late, so sad.

I COME DOWN WITH DISEASE

I went on a trip and come down with disease,

I cannot pronounce it with all the "Q"s and the "P"s,

With my ratio of lost weight,

I've confirmed an end date, 

Unless, the angels keep me going to tease.

The First Frost This Fall

On this chilled, frosty morning my red car has turned white,

My bright, beautiful garden has died overnight,

I look on with despair,

Then, decide I don't really care,

I'm climbing back into my bed to sleep tight.

LIFE BEYOND THE ROAD CONES

Way up north in Michigan beyond where the highway ends with cones,

The snow is so damn deep, it's beyond all habitable zones,

That's where I built my cabin; up on Iceberg Bay,

Where even bugs and vermin will never try to stay,

Of course, it's where trees will never grow,

So, no firewood juts through the snow,

And, a nice warm fire is really rare,

Since, all there is to burn is your own hair,

For your food you must ice fish,

There are only carp but, they fulfill my wish,

Carp are the only food upon my dish,

A price that I pay to live in far, north Mich.

To the big cities I will never flee,

I'd rather freeze and starve and embrace misery,

In the cities you are restricted where you crap and pee,

But, there's no restrictions beyond the road cones and that's called free.

No Coffee Grounds So, I'll Make Job Hunting Rounds

Oh where, oh where did my coffee grounds go?

I couldn't buy new coffee because I ran out of doe,

I need coffee before I go earn some cash,

So, I looked for grounds in the sink and in the trash,

Alas, at work I'll be fired when, I'm caught moving slow.

THE GAS GIANT

I went to a planet just made up of gas,

It was the kind that only a mean giant would pass,

I followed after the foe,

But, turned around and didn't go,

What if the giant left me a planet with mass?

TROLL FEED

Trolls thrive where humans keep their tombs,

Trolls eat on humans time exhumbs,

 For mortal bones,

Aren't held by stones,

For weather cast them out their wombs.

THE EARLY, EARLY FROST

A chill came down from the north

It froze my melons at noon August 4th,

And, all of my corn,

Had frostbite by next morn,

So, no food in my freezer I'll storeth.

RUNNY ROBBIE

About every other date, Robbie got a runny nose,

And, if he tried to ignore it, the run would drip down on his clothes,

Robbie finally, gave no care,

Hoping his date was unaware,

Until Robbie felt the run in between his toes.

REVENGE OF THE DAMNED

A beaver put up a dam,

It flooded just where I am,

Because of what he did,

It cost me many a quid,
But, some dynamite gave his dam a bam!!!

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THE LEAGUE OF ONE EYES

I play darts in the league of One Eyes,

None of us are too good; that's no surprise,

We have piercings galore,

Each game we bleed sore,

But, we're happy if nobody dies.

WHEN THE WIND BLEW MY ROADKILL

When the wind blew up the street,

It dried my roadkill, made it tough meat,

Might been bear, might been turkey,

It was hard chewing jerky,

But, the road tar made it sweet.  

SOMEONE HIT MY GARBAGE CAN TONIGHT

Someone hit my garbage can earlier tonight,

The can ruptured, the bags split and, the contents became blight,

Now, I had taken to rest,

Decided patience was best,

And, by morn my garbage had blown out of sight.

THE NIGHT BEFORE MORN

I turned my dark, night backyard into day,

With my sodium light display,

And, with my gas grill before the morn,

I toasted wieners and roasted corn,

Then, I got out my trumpet and blew that horn.

I SPEAK FEW WORDS AND UNDERSTAND FEWER

I speak few words and understand almost none,

I like animal speech because it is more fun,

Growling and biting,

Are just more exciting,

Especially, when it makes people run.

COPING WITH YOUR HYGIENE

When everyone offers you a breath mint,

While, shampoo is suggested to eliminate lint, 

And, being gifted with bar soap,

Means that you need to cope,

And, your hygiene goes beyond just a hint.

DONNY IS IN BAD SHAPE

Donny got athletes foot disease,

But, Donny was no athlete, just a political sleaze,

Of course, Donny's bowls were far worse,

A family curse,

His bowels might move or, sometimes just tease.

VELCRO: NO STRINGS ATTACHED

Velcro shoes are a safe, easy fun,

But, they are not for everyone,

Some like long strings,

Such personal things,

But, they'll send you on a trip when you run.

OH, NO ODE

I went down to the old damn where the water flowed,

It looked so awfully pretty I wanted to compose an ode,

Alas, for my ode I had no gimmick,

So, I composed a silly limerick,

And, all the critics said it was a major manure load.