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Leigh Collin Brandt

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Monday, March 30, 2015

JIM'S ROTTEN POTATOES

The taters Jim raised have all become rotten,
He stored them last fall and they were forgotten,
He stored them under his bunk,
Where they stink like a skunk,
He still ate them and now he's gone trottin'.



Thursday, March 26, 2015

CAMELOT

There once was a kingdom called Camelot,
A greasy spoon diner about marks the spot,
They once had a king,
Who just liked to sing,
He died poor and he didn't have a pot.



FISHING ON THIN ICE

I went fishing on thin ice on the river,
The ice gave way and I froze my toes and my liver,
Now, everything is fine,
Though, my liver can't take wine,
But, a glass of whisky does ward off the shiver.


Wednesday, March 25, 2015

CLEO WAS A REAL NERD'S NERD

Cleo was a real nerd’s nerd,
In the dictionary he could define any word,
He was also a football jock,
In music he could really rock,
But, in wood-shop his grade was deferred.

Monday, March 23, 2015

PETE THE OGRE PROTECTED HIS STASH

Pete the ogre had a stash,
He had some silver coins and a bag full of cash,
When a thief would sneak round,
The ogre made a hideously loud sound,
The Thief would run off with a whiplash.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

LONNIE THE VAMPIRE

There was a vampire named Lonnie,
She turned her girlfriend named Connie,
Together with great ease,
They fed as they would please,
On the blood of Donny and Ronnie.

Lonnie was a vampire,
Who lived out in the sticks,
No mortal ever found her,
She knew her vampire tricks.

Ode to Lonnie the vampire,
If you found her it was dire,
She never thought twice,
To bite your neck thrice,
Your blood lit her veins on fire.

Lonnie the vampire never aged,
If you crossed her she was enraged,
In hundreds of years she never forgave,
Anyone she deemed a knave,
Don't try to atone,
She'll break every bone,
Then celebrate with a rave.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

MY PSYCHIC GAVE ME A PREDICTION

My psychic told me not to eat out tonight,
She said if I did I’d go blind; lose my sight,
So, I made dinner at my house,
Ate some tainted pheasant and grouse,
I had my stomach pumped and I’m still not alright.



Wednesday, March 18, 2015

A BEAR AND A BIGFOOT WALKED INTO A PUB LIMERICK

A bear and a Bigfoot walked into a pub,
They each ordered a beer and a plate full of grub,
The bear finished his food fast,
The Bigfoot made his food last,
The bear was still hungry because he was a tub.

Monday, March 16, 2015

HECTOR THE WEASAL LIMERICK

Hector was a wily weasel,
He drove a truck that ran on diesel,
During a winter storm,
The diesel fuel didn’t stay warm,
Now hectors hair is on a brush for an easel.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

THE IDES OF MARCH: A TIME TO FEAR

The Ides Of March is a time to fear,
The warming weather skunks my beer,
The softening of the swampy land,
Prepares great traps of quickened sand,

I do not embrace the Ides as dear,
They come each month year after year,
And, on the Ides I am a sleeper,
Thus, I avoid dear Caesar's reaper.


Friday, March 13, 2015

PETE THE OGRE

There was an ogre named Pete,
He kept his hovel real neat,
They thought he was mean,
Because he was clean,
They refused to sell him some meat.

Because the townspeople were so rude,
Pete the Ogre could buy no food,
So, instead of baked brownies,
Pete lunched on the townies,
Pete became a respectable dude.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

SILLY GOOSE DRINKS TAINTED ORANGE JUICE

Jenny likes to drink orange juice,
But, Jenny is a silly goose,
She drinks the juice when it's tainted,
With green slime all painted,
Which, makes her insides really loose.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

TIME TRAVEL IS NOT SAFE LIMERICK

My time machine got stuck,
In 1863 in old Kentuck,
Between the Rebs and the Yanks,
They were firing on all flanks,
I was a tachyon master out of luck.

Monday, March 9, 2015

CRAZY BENNY WENT DEEP INTO SPACE

Crazy Benny went into deep space,
He went there to save the whole human race,
When he met an alien he said "check your shoelace",
Then Benny would spray him with his alien mace,

One day Benny met an alien with eyes all over his head,
Benny ran out of mace then his mind filled with dread,
Then the alien shook hands and said "My name is Fred,
Why do humans have such fear that you all wet to bed?"

Benny and the aliens became friends really fast,
They buried disagreements deep into the past,
Benny signed trade agreements that would clearly last,
In this new galaxy cheap labor numbers were vast.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

WHEN AT THE GREEN LIGHT I DID LINGER LIMERICK

When at the green light I did linger,
The driver behind gave me the finger,
When I stepped on the gas,
The finger-driver did pass,
Yelling insults for his final zinger.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

MARY TRIED TO PLAY FRENCH HORN

Mary tried to play the French horn,
It sounded like she was eating corn,
She crunched and smacked,
Then coughed and hacked,
Her music career she should mourn.

Monday, March 2, 2015

I GOT A CALL FROM THE BANK LIMERICK

I got a most unpleasant call from the bank, 
My finances got torpedoed and sank,
When my checks all bounced twice,
I was penalized thrice,
I have my poor math education to thank.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

THE POLTERGIEST

There once was a really poor poltergeist,
Who thought he'd pull off a casino heist,
But, since his body was unreal,
He couldn't grab much, less steal,
Being dead just zapped all his fiest.