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Wednesday, August 30, 2017

THE TALE OF THE TURTLE, THE ONION AND THE BEAR

One day a large turtle was crawling along in the forest crushing all the plants in his path. Suddenly, out of no where, there came a high pitched shout, “Stop, Stop, Oh please stop oh great and mighty turtle”.

The turtle stopped abruptly and asked “Who is telling me, the great turtle of the forest to stop?”

“It’s me,” a little voice squeaked. I am the onion plant that is right in front of you and I don’t want to be crushed when you go over me.”

“Well little onion plant,” said the turtle, “I do not know why I should spare you but, I guess I can step aside and change my course slightly so I do not crush you.”

The little onion plant was so happy that he cried out with joy “Oh thank you, thank you or great and wonderful turtle. And for sparing my life, I will always be here to save you from your enemies>“

The turtle smirked a bit and said, “It‘s all well and good that you think you can save me from my enemies but, here in this forest no animal can get to me through my hard, protective shell. In fact, the only animals that can tear apart my shell and get to me are the bears and they are trapped on the other side of the river. They can never get across to this side because the current is just too fast.” With that, the large turtle continued on his way leaving the little onion plant unharmed.

A few weeks later there was a terrible storm. A torrent of water rushed down the river and away the dirt from under the roots of a giant tree. With no dirt left to anchor the roots, the mighty tree fell all the way across the river leaving a large solid bridge for the animals to cross over to the other side. There was one particular bear that noticed the new bridge. This bear had a fondness for turtle meat. He liked turtle meat so much that he had eaten every single turtle on his side of the river. The bear decided that he might find a turtle or two on the other side so he quickly made his way across the tree bridge.

Once on the other side of the bridge, the bear had no problem finding the large turtle that thought he was safe on his side of the river. When the turtle saw the bear coming the turtle quickly scurried away into the forest with the bear in close pursuit. It wasn’t long before the turtle came across the little onion he had spared a few weeks earlier. “Why are you in such a hurry?” the little onion asked the turtle.

“A tree fell across the river and now there is a bear on this side and he is hunting me. I don’t know what to do,” answered the turtle.

“Nibble a little bit off the top of my stem,” the onion said insistently.

“But I’m not hungry,” protested the turtle, “and besides, I’ve got to start running again or the bear is going to eat me.”

“If you want to quit running and get rid of the bear, nibble a little bit off the end of my green shoot. It will hurt but, I can always grow back another shoot but, I can’t grow back my friend.”

The turtle did as he was told. The stem tasted kind of hot and when the bear was right on top of the turtle and about to pounce, the turtle opened up his mouth and let the smell of onion breath hit the bear right in the face. The bear jumped back away from the turtle. “You stink. I couldn’t eat anything that smells as bad as you do,” the bear said in disgust as he walked away.

After that the turtle realized that he had a very good friend in the little green onion. Meanwhile, the bear returned back to his side of the river and told all the other bears there that the turtles on the other smelled so bad that they could not be eaten. After that, no bear ever ventured over to the other side of the river.

MY WORM BAIT LIMERICK

I thought I'd go fishing so I picked up some worms,

I thought I'd catch keepers on my living bait terms,

But, the big fish weren't hard hitting,

My worms they were spitting,

I caught just minnows instead of large pachyderms.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

BUNNY BLUE WAS MY FAVORITE BOOK

Bunny Blue was my favorite book,
My mom would read it in the window nook,
And, every single word,
I memorized as I heard,
With each page where my eyes took a look.

THE ELEVATOR LIMERICK: GOING DOWN

John's elevator went down so very fast,
When it hit ground floor he lost his meal last,
All the potatoes and gravy,
Ended up on poor Davy,
And, Susie enjoyed a steak from John's past.



 

Monday, August 28, 2017

THE OLD RED CEDAR

The old red cedar stood still in the swamp,

It's roots were so gnarled the cedar couldn't romp,

But, many laurels it had earned,

For, over a century it had learned,

Standing still gains more respect than if you stomp.
 

Sunday, August 27, 2017

HERBIE THE FRYING OCTOPUS

An octopus swam like he could fly,

Through the water he swam like it was sky,

The octopus I named Herbie,

And, ran him in the Fish Derby,

He lost but made a splendid fish fry. 

MY CHEERFUL HELLO LIMERICK

I say a cheerful hello ten times everyday,

But, the reactions leave me in a state of dismay,

Words and hand gestures I can't say,

An occasional backside display,

I guess being cheerful is a job with no pay.

 

Saturday, August 26, 2017

BUGS HID UP MY NOSE LIMERICK

I washed my hair most every day,

To try to keep the bugs away,

But, they hid up my nose,

Wouldn't budge with a hose,

So, I got them with a bottle of spray.
 

Friday, August 25, 2017

THE RAVE SCOUT AND THE BEAR

I had a real bad scare,
When I was eaten by that bear,
He ate me arms, he ate me legs,
For those appendages I'd now need pegs,

On that night that I would rue,
I was in the green forest, sky dark blue,
I was scouting for a place to rave,
When I came upon a big bear cave,

I was a rave scout, it paid the bills,
If I could provide the ravers thrills,
I figured the bear would provide great stills,
And, more excitement if there were kills, 

I thought that first I should explore,
It would be easy, there was no door
Methinks myself a cunning knave,
When I sneaked up on that big bear cave,  

Then, the bear came out with a pleasant smile,
So, we both stood grinning for a while,
Alas, he did smite me with his claws,
And, ripped off my limbs with his drooling jaws,

Finally, he left me with my stumps,
Lurking into the forest with grumbles and grumps,
And, as I lied there awaiting death,
I thought boy, that bear had real bad breath.  

Thursday, August 24, 2017

FITTY WAS WITTY BUT NOT WITH NUTS

There was a squirrel named Fitty,

His contemporaries thought he was witty,

But, he picked his nuts way too green,

His belly ached nasty and mean,

Instead of accolades he only got pity.
 

THE BIGFOOT IN THE TIMBERED AISLES

Deep within the timbered aisles,

Lies the Bigfoot with his wiles,

Look all you want,

He's unseen and will taunt,

Leaving his hair, prints and piles.
 

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

MY CRITIQUE OF DINERS

I read all the silly little signs,
At the places where I dines,
I also notice the sticky tables,
And, the toilet monsters born from fables,
But, all ends well with beers and wines. 

MY LITTLE DOG LEE

I had a feisty Pomeranian named Little Dog Lee,

He would bite down on my pant cuffs and not let them be,

But, when I offered him bacon,

His real desire would awaken,

After that he'd let my pant cuffs hang free.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

I CAUGHT SOME PHOTONS WITH MY NOSE

I caught some photons on my nose,

They burned real bad like no one knows,

My sunscreen failed,

The SPF bailed,

Now I suffer with nose woes.

Monday, August 21, 2017

THE ONLINE CREEPY CRAWLERS

Everywhere online I go,

The creepy crawlers think they know,

My wants good and bad,

They target with ad,

To get a click to make some dough.


Sunday, August 20, 2017

I'M PAYING BILLS ONLINE LIMERICK

Online bill paying has brought me great terror,
For my screen keeps flashing a red "error,"
My bills are all due,
At midnight I'm through,
Late fee e-mails are a real bad news bearer. 

Saturday, August 19, 2017

I'M OFF TO THE YONDER PLACE

I'm off to the yonder place,
Where the deer and the antelope mace,
And, the bears and the cougars,
Fight turf wars with their Luger's,
It's still better than the humans that race. 
 

WOOD STOVE TOP, HOT IRON HAIKU-

Wood stove, top, hot iron,
Plastic cup, wood stove top, melt,
Fire, smoke, poison..

Friday, August 18, 2017

TEQUILA AND THE ECLIPSE

I went up the hill to watch the eclipse,
The walk was really hard on my hips,
And, Old Sol was unkind,
For my stares made me blind,
Or, was it the tequila that passed over my lips.

UNCLE EMIL SERVED RAW CHICKEN TO THE KING

Uncle Emil raised big chickens,
Then, roasted them for the king’s court,
One day he did not clean them well,
And, the king put Emil on report,

The king’s men took old Uncle Emil away,
No one has seen him since that time,
It seems giving the king a bad belly ache,
Is a very treasonous crime?

Now I have taken up Uncle Emil’s job,
But, the king eats fish and chickens no more,
Today I served up some tainted raw fish,
Just to settle up Uncle Emil’s score.



Thursday, August 17, 2017

WHY DREAM OF MARS


Celine looked out the window at cars,
While dreaming of moving to mars,
But, mars is all gravel and rocks,
With sundial tic-tocs,
And, all there dream of moving to stars. 

MY GUPPY NAMED JERRY I FOUND ON THE FLOOR LIMERICK

My guppy named Jerry I found on the floor,
He had been there for a day, or two maybe more,
I scraped up his dried remains,
And, it gave me such great pains,
As I flushed him down the toilet with a roar.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

I HUNTED THE SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER NEAR LAKE MICHIGAN

By Tim Colin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Publications

Skegemog Lake is located in Northern Michigan and is visible from highway U.S. 72. Much of the lake is surrounded by a protect protected natural habitat, hiking area which is famous for the abundance of Michigan rattlesnakes. Rattlesnakes do not usually bother people but, they do not like to be stepped on. Someone once told me that the venom of the Michigan Rattlesnake is fifty times more powerful than most other rattlesnakes so, it must really hurt if you get bit.

A few days ago I read on the Internet that the rattlesnakes in Skegemog Lake have been hard to find lately. In addition, fishing has also been really poor there recently. When I talked about this at the bar yesterday a man from Midland Michigan said that the reason the fish and snakes are disappearing is because of the giant snapping turtles that live in the lake. One in particular is a monster that is over 20 feet long and is known by locals as “Old Skeggey”.I asked the man from Midland Michigan how he knew so much about the problem in Skegemog Lake. He said that he was a turtleolgist (someone who studies turtles). He introduced himself as Bugzy and said he’d be willing to mount an expedition to find Old Skeggey if I would put up the $15.00 to rent a canoe. I agreed to his terms and the next morning we were standing on the shore of Lake Skegemog with our aluminum canoe. I had my brother Mike accompany us because if we found Old Skeggey we were going to try to put a large fish net over it. I figured we could use an extra hand to haul in a giant snapper.

As we neared the center of the lake we noticed lightning off in the distance. The clouds were really black and the storm seemed to be moving in our direction. My brother Mike was concerned that we might get hit because we were in an aluminum canoe. However, Bugzy said that the aluminum would conduct the lightning bolts away from our body and we were much safer than if we were in a fiberglass canoe. Besides, the fiberglass canoes were an extra $5.00 to rent for the day.

Mike also wondered why we did not have a more substantial boat to go after such a large monster. Bugzy pointed out that a canoe is more maneuverable than a large boar and we could get right up near shore if we had to. Besides, if a canoe is flipped over it is easy to flip it right side up. A larger boat would be nearly impossible to flip quickly and with rattlesnakes and giant turtles in the water, you want to get back in the boat as fast as possible if it flips. Bugzy further stated that he knew what he was doing because he was a scientist with a background in turtleology. With such credentials how could anyone argue with Bugzy?

Just as the black thunderheads started to roll in and rain began to sprinkle down, some large, massive saucer shaped object soared past us at no more than three feet away. The thing must have been 20 feet long. When the object got about twenty feet away, a head popped up and turned an eye back at us then, the head went back under the waves. The waves were getting bigger as the wind increased. The sky had turned totally black and the rain was wiping down on us as we sat in the middle Skegemog Lake.

Lightning bolts came down like spider legs all along the shore. My Brother Mikes’ hair became really kinky like he just had one of grandma’s permanents. Then, suddenly, the entire canoe was raised out of the water and we found ourselves traveling on top of the giant snapping turtle. He swam toward the shoreline at the speed of a motor boat. Mike and I just sat still hoping the thing was not going to eat us once we were closer to shore. Bugzy was busy pulling up the fish net we had laying in the canoe. I figured our turtleologist must have a plan to save us from certain death.

When our canoe was just about 50 feet from shore Old Skeggy sank down like a submarine and our canoe went riding off into shallow water. Mike and I jumped out of the canoe and ran for our lives until we reached shore. We turned around to see Bugzy with his net, trying to ensnare Old Skeggey. Bugzy managed to get the net over Old Skeggey but, the turtle used his beak to slice through the net and swam off to deeper water. Bugzy walked slowly up to the shore with his head held low. He was so dejected that Old Skeggy had gotten away when we were so close to capturing him. Just as Bugzy stepped on shore the canoe was hit by several bolts of lightning at once and exploded. The orange glowing metal pieces feel back into the lake and sizzled as they sank to the bottom.

Mike was the first to speak and said that he thought Old Skeggey had saved our lives. Bugzy did not say another word until we had a couple of beers at the bar. Then he told us that he was going to give up turtleology and become a truck driver. Bugzy said that he had been a truck driver until Tuesday. That was the day he decided he would try being a turtleologist.

The only thing good about this adventure for me is that I did not end up paying a fine or having to do community service which, seems to be my usual reward for being curious about the out of doors and life in general. I did have to pay $300 to the canoe rental business for failing to take better care of the canoe.

We did not get bit by any rattlesnakes but, there is a giant snapping turtle in Skegemog Lake. I do not think he was trying to hurt us and in fact, he may have saved us. I also learned that turtleologist don’t know anything about lightning strikes. I leaned that just because someone is a genius in one scientific field it does not mean they know anything about any of the other sciences.

AN OLD DRAGON NAMED FRED

There was an old dragon named Fred,
He ate only things that were red,
He ate a red boat,
Then tried to go float,
But he sank to the bottom instead.

Monday, August 14, 2017

THERE WAS A LEPRECHAUN NAMED PETE

There was a leprechaun named Pete,
Corned beef and cabbage was all he'd eat,
He was full of green gas,
And, could not get a lass,
He made music all night tweet, tweet, tweet.

MY HAMBURGER SMELLED A LITTLE FUNNY TODAY

My hamburger smelled a little funny today,
It smelled like a toilet with a whiff of bug spray,
I'm not a real fussy lad,
So, I ate what I had,
But, tonight I'm afraid I will pay.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

ROADS DIVERGE BUT THE CHOICE MATTERS NOT

Two roads went different ways in the deep, dark woods,
I was returning home late with my grocery dry-goods, 
Down one road a bear growled,
Down the other a wolf howled,
So, I ran away as fast as I coulds.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

TOO LATE FOR THE TIN TOY SOLDIERS

My tin soldiers were all covered in crust,
I had left them outside for years to just rust,
I cleaned them one day,
And, the rust crust went away,
As my tin soldiers all crumbled to dust. 

MY GIRLFRIEND PICKS HER NOSE HAIKU

Girlfriend picks her nose,
Not happy with what I see,
She has job, ignore.

Friday, August 11, 2017

PAPA CRAIG MITCHELL MIXED HIS COFFEE AND TEA

Papa Craig Mitchell mixed his coffee and tea,
He added milk, sugar and, honey made by a bee,
Many thought he was insane,
Some disease of the brain,
But, Papa Craig Mitchell still lives at age 93.

BIGFOOT IS GOING TO EAT ME

In Michigan it gives me scares,
Here, Bigfoot ate up all the bears,
Now, will the Bigfoot come for me?
I'm really tender, if not tasty,

Oh Bigfoot, Bigfoot in the night,
Go away, don't cause me fright,
Now that all the bears are gone,
I fear your comming from dusk till dawn,

Oh mighty Bigfoot please go away,
Birds taste better I would say,
Try eating rabbit or maybe deer,
I taste like veggies and smell like beer.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

A SERIOUSLY STUPID RHYME

One little bug flew up my nose,
He ate into my brain I guess, I suppose,
Another little but entered my eye,
He got stuck in my eyeball and then he couldn't fly,

Then a pair of squirrels came down from a tree,
Why they circled the ground was a mystery,
But, then they gathered some cigarette butts,
They took the butts home to smoke their walnuts,

PAM SAW A PIZZA FACE DOWN IN THE STREET-Limerick

Pam saw a pizza face down in the street,
She figured the Pizza was still good to eat,
She didn't mind the bugs,
Or, slimy old slugs,
She got so sick she couldn't stand on her feet.

THE LIZARD MAN OFFICIAL LIMERICK

Lizard man hunts in the woods by the bay,
Hunting wild boars and pigs that go stray,
Lizard man can smell,
Hams like a dinner bell,
Once smelled they won't get away.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

MULTIVERSE THEORY PREDICTS ALTERNATIVE NEWS

Many say that I make up fake news,
But, it's just an alternative universe I choose,
It's not better or worse,
It's called the multiverse,
I just choose the verse that echoes my views. 

THE POLTERGEIST PIGS

My pigs became poltergeist haunting critters,
They were all determined to give me the jitters,
Because ham and bacon yesterday,
Was their fate for my pay,
But, their haunting I'll shake off with some bitters.

 

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

JOHNNY RINGNECK

Johnny Ringneck was a pheasant,
He was hunted by a peasant,
Johnny dodged bird shot, 
Which he did quite a lot,
But, Johnny lost some feathers in his crescent. 

POOR TODD OF TOOTVILLE

Poor Todd of Tootville City,
His tooter plugged and he received no pity,
In the band Todd's horn didn't toot,
So, he received the boot,
Now, he's famous because of this ditty.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

THE WALRUS POSE LIMERICK

John  thought he'd strike a walrus pose,
So, he stuck two straws way up his nose,
He thought he’d be funny,
But, his nose became runny,
He dripped down the front of his cloths

MY FRIEND THE TOMATO WORM

My best friend was a tomato worm,
Sometimes I'd pinch him and make him squirm,
But, an accident brought such woes,
When I squished him between my toes,
That brought our relationship to it's term.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

MY BANKER TOLD ME TO BUY REAL ESTATE LIMERICK

My banker told me to buy real estate,
I lost my shirt by the closing date,
My broker said buy stocks,
Then, stocks hit the rocks,
I guess being broke is just my fate.

Friday, August 4, 2017

A WORLD FULL OF PEOPLE

I went to the store but, the lot was filled up,
So, I went to a restaurant to get me some sup,
Now, I had no place at a table,
No one leaving, the place was stable,
So, I went home and had noodles in a cup.



TRUCK WITH BALD TIRES HAIKU

Truck has bald tires,
Too expensive to replace,
The ditch is not bad.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

THE WHERE DO TUNA FISH COME FROM LIMERICK

There was a small sunfish named Ray,
He lived way out in the great bay,
He fell in love with a blue whale,
Named Darlene Abigail,
And, that's where tuna fish come from they say.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

THE BAD LUCK GAMBLER

I went to Michigan's Turtle Bay Casino,
Lost at all the games I played except for Keno,
But, the loser's way,
Is my typical day,
I learned that when I went bankrupt in Reno.

POEM RECIPE FOR FRIED GREEN TOMATOES

I make fried green tomatoes,
Sometimes with fried potatoes,
I slice them thick or thin,
Different tastes for different kin,

I dip them in the egg,
I dip them in the flour,
I turn on the stove,
I crank up the power,

When puffed up and golden browned,
That’s the best taste I have found,
There’s nothing better on Puget Sound,
Than fried green tomatoes all around.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

A TATER BUG LIMERICK OR TWO

The tater bug is quite the charmer,
Unless you are a tater farmer,
Then you pickety pick,
Until you're tater bug sick,
Tater bug spotting's are quite an alarmer.

Some eat tater bugs for lunch,
Or, they mash them up for cider punch,
But, I can conceive,
Of a tater bug heave,
And, when they come up they still have a crunch.