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Leigh Collin Brandt

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Saturday, September 29, 2018

I CAN'T READ: I'M ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Social media is just my speed,
I just wish maybe, I had learned to read,
The pictures draw my attention,
But, I'm often lacking comprehension,
So, imagination fills my comprehension need. 

MY PODCAST WAS A DUD

My podcast was a total dud,
They said my philos was just crud,
I didn't gain a fan,
Unless, you count Dick and Dan,
I bribed them with burger and sud.

Friday, September 28, 2018

I RAN TO FIRST BASE

I went to the racetrack to watch others race,
I'd race myself but, I can't keep up the pace,
I raced in high school,
And, was a laughing stock tool,
So, I quit racing, joined the choir and sang base.

LIFE OF A FRESHMAN

For purposes around nights' mid,
We all carouse to feed our id,
We also binge eat,
Pizza with cheese/meat,
Sucking soda through plastic lid.




Thursday, September 27, 2018

FIVE BIZARRE STARS FOR MARS

I built a spaceship and went to mars,
Everyone there drove electric cars,
And there it is written,
That all must play badminton,
And at golf one can only make pars.

I STRUGGLED FOR DILL ON THE HILL

I struggled to get up the hill,
To pick me a sack full of dill,
For I had sour pickles to can,
And, bought dill was a ban,
For, I had no coin to pay at the till. 

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

MARTY ATE A LITTLE LAMB

Marty ate a little lamb,
It's fleece was white like snow,
But, when you fry lamb in the pan,
Hopefully, the fleece color you won't know. 

PLIGHT OF THE TUMBLED TREE

Oh my pretty tree has fallen,
Now the fungi come a callin',
Fungi are aggressive dears,
Who grow big obtrusive ears,
While fungi sup I will be ballin'. 

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

NO EDIBLE EATS

No one can find no eats,
Now there's panic in the streets,
There is nothing good,
Just tin, plastic and wood,
And there's still lots of nasty beets.

Monday, September 24, 2018

I SHAVED MY HEAD AND GOT TO THE POINT

I shaved my head and found a point on the top,
I inherited my point from my mother's side grandpop,
Now, all the time I get teased,
I'm not at all pleased,
When my hair grows out will it stop? 

THE MAID KILLED THE EGGS

My house was so dirty I hired a maid,
The first thing she did, she bug sprayed and bug sprayed,
She killed all the bugs,
In my linens and rugs,
And, the eggs in the fridge the bugs laid.
 

Sunday, September 23, 2018

MY DAD'S TALE

My dad was born with a prehensile tail,
He picked fruit trees for a living and put the fruit in a pail,
But, he was attacked by some bees,
Who pollinated the trees,
And boy did dad let out a big wail. 

MY HAMSTER IN SPACE

I gave a bath to my hamster one fine day,
Next day, he got revenge in his own way,
When I gave my fella a little hand stroke,
His sharp teeth gave my hand a really deep poke,

Blood spurted and spurted all over the floor,
All over the doorknob as I rushed out the door,
I grabbed my cell phone and the ambulance came quick,
Then, it was off to the hospital; the sight of blood made me sick,

Luckily, the bleeding was quickly stopped,
A single small bandage covered the vein that was popped,
After a week in the hospital I was all healed,
The little scab under the bandage was easily peeled,

At home my hamster had taken over my house,
He chased off the dog and ate my pet grouse,
He ripped up my newspapers and made a nest in my bed,
Increasing I wished that my hamster was dead,

Of course, I decided to serve up revenge that was ice cold,
I developed a plan that was clever and bold,
To this hamster I was especially nice,
I spoke in soft words and bought him toys so high priced,

Then, when the hamster thought I'd  not seek retribution,
It was time for my plan to achieve institution,
Of course sweet revenge is what I sought and I got,
For I volunteered my hamster to be a deep space astronaut.

Saturday, September 22, 2018

THE MASTER OF THE SING-SONG TAP

I once was a masterful dancer of tap,
My best work I did to the music of rap,
But, then something went wrong,
When, music all went sing-song,
Sing-song I couldn't tap worth a crap.

Friday, September 21, 2018

MY HIGH SCHOOL HALFTIME MARCHING BAND

The trumpets were blasting in the middle of the game,
The woodwinds were flat and the drum section was lame,
Yet, out on the field,
Even in rain they didn't yield,
And, the marching band at half-time earned their fame.

Some marchers swerved to the left,
Some swerved to the right,
Some lines stretched out,
Some lines got tight,

And all through the drenching rain,
Their lips and fingers were either numb or in pain,
But, the marchers knew dedication would not be forgot,
For their final formation was a big tater tot.

Thursday, September 20, 2018

WHAT I FED MY PET TROLL

I had a pet troll I kept under a bridge,
I made him a troll house out of a non-working fridge,
I fed him crackers and cheese,
For a treat frosty freeze,
And, chips known for their wave and their ridge.

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

COYOTES ARE AFTER MY PIZZA

The coyotes are out on the street,
They want my pizza to eat,
They got the pizza guy,
But, from his hands they can't pry,
Sigh, my pizza has extra cheese and triple meat.

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

HO, HO, HO AND IT'S TIME TO SNOW

Such dreaded heat I can't remember,
I'm using air conditioning in late September,
But soon, ho, ho, ho,
We'll be covered with snow,
In late October or early November. 

Friday, September 14, 2018

THE TEMPEST ROUND THE POSIES CAUSED ME TO KNIT COZIES

I went out into my garden to pick some rosies,
But, there was a tempest around all of my posies,
And, what could I do?
I hadn't a clue,
So, back inside I went to knit cozies.  



Thursday, September 13, 2018

MAYO MADE ME MAD

There's bacteria in my refrigerator,
There's bacteria on my floor,
There's bacteria on my doorknob,
So, I don't go out the door,

I keep no food in my refrigerator,
Nor, walk anywhere in my place,
I just hop around on the furniture,
And, eat bugs to fill my face,

Now, some would claim I'm insane,
And doctors, it's everyone,
But, I once suffered great bacterial pain,
From mayo I let sit out in the sun.
   

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

I WANTED TO GET ME SOME MEATS

I was tired of rice and beans as my primary eats,
So, I went to a fast burger place to get me some meats,
But, the burgers were so rare,
They weren't even there,
I guess the burger maker had taken some treats.



Tuesday, September 11, 2018

LIGHTNING STRUCK THE OUTHOUSE LIVERICK

Down at the outhouse the lightning struck true,
It vented the outhouse and disinfected it too,
But, it had been occupied,
And, the occupant sighed,
"That lightning has been very rude."

Monday, September 10, 2018

THE CASE OF THE CRACK IN SPACE

When I was trekking out in deep, dark space,
My spacecraft battery got a crack in its case,
But, all was just fine,
I ordered a new one online,
It was delivered the next day, Ace! 

Sunday, September 9, 2018

THE RED POP SNORE

My legs are real sore,
Circulation is poor,
I drink just red pop,
For health reasons should stop,
Because at night the red pop makes me snore.

Saturday, September 8, 2018

THE COB HABIT

I was fired from my night clerk job,
When I was caught eating corn on the cob,
Now, I have no funds for my cob habit,
 So, I'm eating grass like a rabbit,
And, the grass gives me gas oh, sob.

MY DRIP COFFEE MAKER DRIPS NO MORE

My drip coffee maker drips no more,
It's a holiday so, I can't get to a store,
And, without my coffee buzzy,
The world is looking fuzzy,
I guess I'll just pass out and fall on the floor. 

Friday, September 7, 2018

SENTIMENTS FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT SLEEP

Why do people want to stone the witches?
Or, quarry bluegills that live in ditches?
Human behavior is so odd,
Does making it relevant require the rod,
And, everywhere we find the itches.
 

THE FORTY TOOT SALUTE TO THE DRAGONFLY FOOTBALL TEAM

Forty toots on my toot toot,
Is the dragonfly salute,
It's good when marching in a band,
Or, playing from a rising stand,
I show the team I give a hoot.

Thursday, September 6, 2018

I'VE BEEN VANISHED FROM SOCIAL MEDIA, WHO CARES

I was banned from Twitter for saying fake stuff,
Like the moon is pudding and Mars is just made of fluff,
So, for such political wars,
My enemies have evened scores,
So, I'll go on to live on the rough.


BEFORE I GO TO SCHOOL

Before I go to school I eat a pot pie,
Before I go to school I eat bagels of rye,
Before I go to school I eat an orange, make it die,
Before I go to school I eat anything that mom will fry,

Before I go to school I sup soup made of bean,
Before I go to school I brush my teeth clean,
Before I go to school I swab my ears, so obscene,
Before I go to school to my kin I talk mean,

Before I go to school my shoes I will tie,
Before I go to school I promise dad that I'll try,
Before I go to school I tease my brothers, they cry,
Before I go to school I tell everyone bye.



 

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

DON'T MARRY A YETI OR YOU MAY END UP SPAGHETTI

Bob the lumberjack married Betty,
She was a Northern Canadian Yeti,
Although, Betty loved Bob from her heart,
She tore his torso apart, 
For meat to flavor spaghetti. 

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

FOUR FEET WENT BACK TO SCHOOL

On the first day of school I found I had four feet,
And, they wouldn't fit under a two foot seat,
Then, I got everyone's stare,
For my four feet were bare,
But, I knew I was dreaming when my lunch I didn't eat. 

Monday, September 3, 2018

BESIDE THE LAKE WITH THE WILD FLOWERS LIMERICK

Beside the lake with the wild flowers,
I laid down and dreamed for hours,
Then along came the bees,
They had no mood for a tease,
I'm depending on my recuperative powers.

Sunday, September 2, 2018

SUMMER HOLIDAY BLUES

Summer Holiday,
Gas Grill, Burgers, Hot Dogs, Buns,
Egg Salad, Gut Aches   

Saturday, September 1, 2018

PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS, WARTS AND FARIES

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Associate Part-time Contributor,
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

I hate to say it but I'm predicting that this month will be terribly hot and dry in Northern Michigan.  I am recommending that everyone should take it easy until Labor Day is over and then maybe this heatwave will finally end.  And, once this heatwave ends then you can go back to flipping burgers, or washing windows or building nuclear weapons to sell to unstable governments like in the U.S. or U.K.   Whatever your line of work, it will be a lot easier to do it once the weather cools down.

Of course as hot as it's going to be next month I am personally glad last month is over.  You see, I had to have a big horrible wart removed from my index finger.  It was one of those big warts with the big long curly hair sticking out of it.  It was really nasty to look at it.  And, guess how I got it.  I got it when I tried to help my friend Julia get rid of the awful little creature that flew up Julia's left nostril and refused to come out. 

You see it happened when Julia and I were sipping bourbon while sitting out on lawn chairs behind our trailers (her trailer is actually right next to mine).  The bourbon Julia had gotten for a Mother’s Day gift from her son Vern who works at a local distillery.  I told her that the whiskey was too expensive to just share with me but she said her son got it cheap using his employee discount.  Personally, Knowing Vern, he got the whiskey for free using a five finger discount but, she was sharing her bottle with me so who am I to point that out. 

 Well, we were both outside sipping on that expensive whiskey and enjoying the nice breeze when along comes this fairy and he flies directly up poor Julia's nose.   Now, Julia was in shock but, just for a moment.  Julia works for a divorce lawyer and she's seen and heard about everything so, it takes a lot to get and keep her rattled.  So, after the initial shock had worn off Julia proceeded to try to blow the little fairy out of her nose; even going to the extent of pressing one finger against her right nostril to block the air passage so that more pressure would be exerted in the left nostril to force the little fella out.  Well, no matter how hard Julia tried blowing her nose the little critter just would not leave so, I went into my trailer and came back out with a pair of tweezers and proceeded to grab the little fairy by the seat of his leotards and I easily yanked him out of poor Julia's nose. 

Of course the fairy was really mad about what I had done and he started buzzing all around me then suddenly he reached in his leotards into I guess what was a pocket, and pulled out a little hand full of fairy dust and sprinkled it on my hand.  Well, no sooner had he done that and a large wart with big hair in it emerged from my skin.  The fairy then stuck out his tongue and sped off to harass some other people no doubt. 

Julia and I never did figure out why the fairy went up her nose.  Most fairies are little psychopaths and there is often neither rhyme nor reason to anything they do.  Every time you come across one they are nothing but trouble and that's why I'm going to get myself one of those fairy swatters the next time I go to the dollar store.  I'm also going to stop knocking down spider webs I come across because spiders are usually pretty effective at keeping the fairy population under control.