GRIEVE AND HEAVE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE

The big ball was dropped on New Year's Eve,🕛🎉🎉🎉🔔

It crushed a guy below, named Steve,🚶

There was not time for us to grieve,😢

The drinks were gone, and it was time to leave,🍷🍸🍹🍻

We all went home to have a heave.   🚽

WARNING: BUTTERMILK DOES NOT COME FROM BUTTERFLIES

I tried to milk some buttermilk from butterflies who flied,

But I did not get no buttermilk, and all the butterflies died,

Woe is me,

I should have set them free,

At their memorial I cried and cried.

,

BETTER LUCK IN 2023

On the Eve of New Year's, I went beddybye,

It was long before midnight so, I missed the old year die,

But it was year of bad dealings,

So I had no feelings,

Save that next year will not go awry.

END OF YEAR AIR TRAFFIC BOOHOO

It's the end for 2022,

Boohoo, boohoo,

No use to fret and stew,

Not much one can do,

But figure out which airlines, that we need to sue.

2022, THE YEAR OF CHANGE

I need to change in the year 2022,

Or it will be another year that I truly rue,

I'll paint my bedroom blue,

Buy all my sweats brand new,

And hang out at classy places with a better smelling crew,

I FED MY PET UNTIL I WAS INSANE

I once had a pet  blood sucker named Pete,

Only my blood Pete would eat,

And as Pete grew much fatter,

I became mad as a hatter,

Lack of blood caused my brain to delete.

MONSTERS GET YOY

We know where the monsters are, they living out in your sleep,

And if you do not keep awake, they will make your kinfolk weep,

The monsters are scary,

All big and all hairy,

And they can eat you before you go "Beep".

SANTA WHO DRIVES THE SLEIGH, HAS A PRINCETON MBA

Santa made reindeer jerky, after he stored away the sleigh,

Santa made plenty of jerky, enough to feed the elves until May,

Santa made reindeer stew,

With the veggies he grew,

Using retired reindeer, so pension payments went away.

SELF-STICKING FLOOR TILE IS TRICKEY

I bought some floor tile but made the wrong pick,
My self-sticking floor tile didn't want to stick,
So, I got out some glue,
And, when I was through,
I knew self-sticking floor tile required a trick.

SIDE AFFECTS WHEN MAKING MOUTH MASH FOR CASH

There was a little angel, sitting on my toe,

He was scratching his back, on the toenail I let grow,

There was a little devil, sitting on my knee

He whacked my knee with his hatchet, and boy did that hurt me,

And, on my belly sat the prettiest unicorn,

He stabbed my belly deep with his twisted, sharpened horn,

Then in my mouth there was the devil fermenting mash,

He said he'd make it up to me, when he bootlegged his whiskey for some cash.

THE SOUP DECEIT

I limped down the street with my work tired feet,👣

I was looking for a booth with hot soup to eat,🍜

I entered one and got soup,🍵

Like a cold ice cream scoop,🍦

It pained me with brain freeze, and I resent the deceit. 🤕😡😠

TIM BLOWS THE SNOW LIMERICK

Tim blows the snow all winter long,

Wearing heavy cloths and a woolen thong,

He sings a jolly snowblower song,

One might conclude Tim is ding dong,

But if he blows my drive, I'll admit I'm wrong.

REVENGE IS BEST SERVED SALTY

The kitchen boss called me a stup,

A certified nincompoop,

That made me so mad,

I done a real bad,

I poured too much salt into the soup.

CHRISTMAS PINE NEEDLE TEA WAS THE VERY END OF ME

The needles on my Christmas tree, were treated with bug spray,

So when I drank pine needle tea, I was dead by end of day,

The ground was froze,

And so it goes,

I wasn't buried til end of May.

WEAR APPROPRIATE CLOTHING

When blogging a blog, wear blogger socks,

That's when my blog really rocks,

When trading stock online,

Drink red trader wine,

And those going running, wear running jocks. 

OTTER

Mini Ta Ta was an otter,

She liked movies, like Harry Potter,

She did magic tricks,

With homemade toothpicks,

She moved to Florida where it was hotter.

GRANNY LIKED TO CATCH FISH OUT OF SEASON LIMERICK

Granny liked to catch fish out of season,
She liked to eat them that was her reason,
She caught bass and brown trout,
And any others about,
She ate fresh fish but most were for freezen.

THE OYSTER EATING SUNFISH

There was a sunfish that liked to eat oyster,
He marinated it to make it much moister,
He once invited over a date,
But, his oyster did not rate,
It had the texture of rope from a cloister.

The Runny One Is In The Soup

I had four chickens in my coup,

They all could do the hula hoop,

I needed one for chicken soup,

I picked the chicken that peed it's poop,

That one was the outcast of the group.

I AM INTERNET CONFUSED

Online bloggers have confused me a lot,😈🖥

I can't remember if something happened or not,🤔⌛⏳

It seems The Mandela Effect shall reign,😟

Until we all are insane,😵

It must be some alien plot. 👽👾🤖

WHAT GROWS?

Mini Ta Ta picked her nose,

She wiped the booger between her toes,

Be it a dragon or a rose,

She wanted to see just what grows,

Then she'd pick out pretty hair bows.

HOLIDAY SHOPPING

Mom went to the market for holiday sauce,

I rode along because she was the boss,

Mom picked out some wine,

And very thin twine,

For after each meal mom would floss.

I HUNG UP MY SOCKS ON CHRISTMAS EVE WITH HOPE

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.

THE WORST CHRISTMAS CARD I'VE EVER SEEN, BUT IT'S THE ONLY ONE I GOT

Christmas cards I did not get,

Except for one that looked like twit,

Whatever sap

Drew such crap,

I think that art, they'd better quit.

A POOR SOULS PRACTICAL CHRISTMAS WISH

I wish Santa would bring me some cloths,

Like some socks to thaw out my toes,

Maybe a coat to stay warm,

Boots to walk a snow storm,

And some pants so my legs don't get froze.

MY BULBS I BROKE

I went outside because I'm so messy,

When I deck out my Christmas tree,

My brains I soak,

With rum and coke,

That's why my bulbs are mostly broke,

My neighbor, all he drinks is tea,

So, he has twice as many bulbs as me.

I EAT AND GO BURNING

I fear I will not do so well,💀

When I die, and where I dwell,👻

For my favorite dish,🍤

Is a pile of shellfish,🦀

They're an abomination to eat, heard tell.👹

A VENISON DINNER FOR CHRISTMAS

Mrs. Claus debated what she'd have for dinner on Christmas Day,
Then, she saw all those reindeer hitched behind her husband's sleigh,
So, she cooked up venison roasts,
For all those elves she had to host,
And, Santa hoped his packages would arrive by USPS by Christmas Day.

WINTER SOLSTICE IS HERE

There's frost under my trailer skirts,

I'm under winter storm weather alerts,

A polar blow is forthcoming, 

That's why I am bumming,

And my arthritic joints all got the hurts.

WE WERE NOT GOOD: SORRY SANTA POEM

I HUNG UP MY SOCKS

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.

THE SAD BEAR AND HIS BELLY

There's a sad looking bear under my apple tree,

He ain't eating apples, he's waiting for me,

I'd give him a hug,

And pull him close, snug,

But I'd end up in the bears growling belly.

WANDA WENDT WENT SHOPPING THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS

The day before Christmas, Wanda Wendt went store Shopping,

From store to store, Wanda Wendt went whip hopping,

When Wanda uncorked red wine,

Wanda Wendt was real fine,

Then, Wanda got munchies, and went Burger King Whopping.

WANDA WENT SHOPPING THE DAYAFTER THANKSGIVING

Wanda went shopping the day after Thanksgiving,
She spent every dime that she had made for her living,
She bought the kids some electronic toys,
She bought her mate Superbowl with the boys,
Wanda bought herself a Harley for riving.

WHERE THINGS GO

Where does all the sewage go?

It flows into the sea,

To feed the many algae, so more algae they can be,

Where does all the garbage go?

It flows into the sea,

To feed the little fishes so one day those fish feed me,

Where do all the toxic chemicals go?

They flow into the sea, and kill all the creatures of planet earth,

Including you and me.

THE CHRISTMAS UNICORN BULLY

Mark the unicorn was a menace to the sleigh,

He'd stick his horn through the sides and poke the elves everyday,

Mark poked Santa too,

Which made Santa boohoo,

The sleigh crew wanted the unicorn to just go away.

JENNY THE ASTRONAUT LIMERICK

All Jenny ever wanted was to visit planet Mars,
She had no ambition to seek out distant stars,
But the space program was shut down,
There would be no planet Mars town,
Now Jenny hangs out in pool halls and strip bars.

MY SICK FLOWER LIMERICK

My flower was looking real sick,

I think it was bit by a tick,

But, it was not of high station,

Like a rose or carnation,

So, I just gave my sick flower a pick.

SANTA MAN AND THE MILK COW, AND BEN

Mossy my milk cow, she pulled Santa's sleigh,

That's because the reindeer had all run away,

Santa had gained many a pound,

The sleigh wouldn't lift off the ground,

Mossy and bull Ben, powered Santa that day.

DON'T EAT THE CHRISTMAS TREE

Mossy the cow ate my Christmas tree,

She knew that I loved it, but she had to spite me,

Mossy had a smile, I a frown,

But I turned them upside down,

For Christmas dinner we had beef, and it was so tasty. 

ZOMBIE CAMP

There are lots of zombies living out on backwoods streets,

Waiting for tourist, seasonal treats,

So come stay a spell,

Where the real zombies dwell,

Free camping, if you bring someone for eats.

"COME ALONG FOR THE EATS"

ALL I WANT

I had a hot toasted pastry for my meal,

It burnt my lips and made them peel,

I saw Santa today,

My burnt lips could not say,

All I want is a glockenspiel.

FOUND THE NEXT DAY

Scabies covered nearly all of my skin,

They're itchiness gave me a grimacing grin,

The next day I was found,

I bled out on the ground,

The police said to my next of kin.

THE KIDS FINALLY LEFT HOME

I am afraid my trailer ain't rolling nowhere,

It got ripped right in half by a huge grisly bear,

The bear ate the kids, 

Methinks that's good-rids,

They were both in their forties, had no job and didn't care.

FIRE SALE

My prop taxes are due once again,

They've gone up on my shack made of tin,

During the last four big fires,

My trailer lost all four tires,

I just can't move away, I can't win.

MY DILLY DOG

My poor little dilly dog went swimming way too fast,

He was swimming up a river, so of course he did not last,

Down the river dilly dog flowed,

On white bubbles his body rode,

He spent three months recovering, in a dilly doggy cast.

THE FOREST MONKEY FOX

There was a giant monkey fox sitting in the woods,

He was chewing on the bones of some Red Ridding Hoods,

And, boy those bones were good,

Best parts of any Red Ridding Hood,

But, Red Ridding eyeballs taste great in milk chocolate puds.

THE GANGSTER AND THE BLUE SEA HORSEY

I got tied up with rope and thrown into the sea,

And, a 50 lb anchor was tied onto me,

While  to the bottom I went,

I reflected on life spent,

Finished swimming with a blue sea horsey.  

COOLING BANJOS

They played so fast their brand new banjos caught on fire,

The fire was so very hot it melted every wire,

Now the banjos must cool down,

So in the lake, they got a drown,

Moral: Banjos just get too hot, playing songs of love and desire.

THE SQUATTING THIEF

I heard giggles and I knew it weren't me,

It was the top cupboard; I climbed up there to see,

To my despair,

There was an elf living there,

Eating my chips and slurping my tea.

THE DOG POX DARE

When I lie I get an ache in my tooth,

But I can't stand to tell ma the truth,

It wasn't a foul fox,

That gave my brother the pox,

It was when he kissed my dog Hermes, on a dare.💋🐶

I SMELL WHAT I EAT

My name is Magnolia and I smell like a beast,

I always smell foul after a Christmas ham feast,

I like cheese, peppers and kraut,

Stuffed in piggys big snout,

What I like best, most folks like the least.

FUZZY, WAS HE, HE'S GONE

There was a fuzzy guy named Randy, 

He left fuzz all over the Candy,

Then Candy got mad,

And made Randy sad,

 With a new beau who showered named, Andy.

MOUTHING OFF TO GARGOYLES

Jim's trip to a castle he had to spoil,
By mouthing off to a big gargoyle,
Who had fists of stone,
That broke Jim's face bone,
And, caused Jim's britches to soil.

THE FAILED FORTE

Larry played a sonata on his big pianoforte,

Some thought it real funny, when Larry picked at his nose warty,

The loud laughter, it prevailed,

Larry's performance, well it failed,

Larry couldn't keep playing, so his performance he aborty.

THE ALIENS AND THE FRENCH FRY

I saw four circles hovering way, way up in the sky,

I knew they were aliens when they let their heat beams fly,

Bad for me I'm a real looser,

And, therefor not much of a chooser,

I chose to stand there until I became a french fry.  

THE GOOD AND THE PLENTY (A short story by Leigh Collin Brandt)

Dedicated to Mom on her birthday. Missing you and all the rest. 

I'm so excited that Christmas Day is almost here.  That's the day I provide a feast at my apartment for all my family and friends.  I've be hosting Christmas dinner every year for the past fifteen years and I've never gotten tired of it.  Of course it is a lot of work but, all the work I do is worth it when I see all the joy it brings to so many.

I began providing the dinner fifteen years ago when the older people in my family, namely my folks, grandparents, aunts and uncles became physically unable to perform the task.    My mom, God rest her soul, was the last one who prepared a meal for the big crowd and I had to do most of the work to get everything done.   She tried really hard to do it all but, she had heart failure and could only do a limited amount of work before she had to sit down and rest.  And, my dad had cancer and had an oxygen tank so, he wasn't allowed near the kitchen when the gas stove was blazing away.  The last time my mom made dinner my  poor dad was so sick.  I volunteered to be the main person to help him with his hospice care.  That Christmas I decorated the house up with a lot of his World War II army memorabilia.  He had stuff from all the places in Europe where he stayed.  He had some unique elf decorations he got in France and an old fashioned Santa from England.

Of course, the younger people were all too busy to spend the time fixing such a vast meal and quietly complained they couldn't afford the food to feed everyone.   Also, most of them had really small apartments and couldn't accommodate our crowd.   There were some who volunteered to do the dinner like Aunt Midge but, her heart was just not into it and she always rolled her eyes whenever she begrudgingly volunteered.

Well,  I really wanted to do the dinner.  I felt the dinner was a tradition that had gone on since I could remember and I wanted it to continue on forever and I knew  that if I had the dinner every year it would go on, at least until I kicked the bucket. 

Now, of course the first thing I had to do this year was to make up a list of things to do and a list of things to buy for the dinner.  Like most people, I started planning and preparing for Christmas dinner right after Thanksgiving.  I usually take a calendar and write down what I need to accomplish each day from Thanksgiving until Christmas in order to get everything done.  My biggest nightmare this time of year is to wake up Christmas morning and realize people are coming and I haven't gotten anything ready for the dinner.  That of course is when I look at my calender of things to do and make sure each day is crossed off and I especially check to make sure I haven't missed doing anything really important like buying the food.

Every year for at least the past ten years I've been buying the food for Christmas at Sander Markets down on 14th street.  They're a little high priced on their food but, they're a local market I can walk to which is important since I can't afford to have a car anymore and I certainly can't afford a taxi or bus.  Normally, I just pull my little red wagon down to the store and put my groceries in that.  It's also kind of nice since if I get too poohed out hauling my wagon I can sit down for a spell and catch my breath.  I'm having to do a lot of that lately, as I get older.

This year I have limited funds to spend on food for the dinner.  My funds have always been limited but this year my dollars have to stretch a lot more because my doctor is prescribing me a different heart medication and it isn't fully covered by insurance.  Oh well, we all have our little problems and, mine seem to melt away when I get together with loved ones on the most joyous day.  I'll still manage to have about the same dinner this year as I always do.  I just might have to ask for volunteers to bring the desert.  If I do that probably everyone coming will show up with a pie.

At the store when I get ready to check out I always go to Paula.  She's an older lady and has been checking out at Sander Markets for over twenty years she says.  Paula is the nicest person working there and, every year when I check out my dinner stuff just before Christmas Paula always asks me if I have somewhere to go for Christmas dinner.  I always tell here "No, I don't.  I'm staying home as always and making a big dinner for my entire family.  You know one of those dinners like they use to have where everyone got together.  It's such a good time.  This year I'll have to get out the card table to accommodate all the kids."

"Paula always smiles and says "That is so sweet of you to do all that work for a big Christmas dinner for everyone.  Just like it use to be.  Those were good times weren't they?"

"Yes they were.  When times were good and friends were plenty."

"The good and the plenty," Paula always says.

"'The good and the plenty,'I like the sound of that," I always tell Paula.

"You serving saltine crackers and a can of ham this year again?" Paula asks as she checks me out.

"Just a small can of diced ham this year Paula.  The prices have gone up so much I can't afford a big canned ham anymore.  They'll be plenty to eat anyway.  I've asked that people each bring a dish and whoever wants to can bring a desert like a pie.  Doesn't pie sound good Paula?  Maybe a pecan pie or blueberry like we use to have when I was a kid."

"That sounds just great," Paula always says.  "Merry Christmas," Paula will say to me as I leave for home.  Paula is so nice.  Sometimes she'll ask a manager if a bagger is available to help me get my groceries home.  Sometimes they do but, most of the time the manager says they're just too busy to let one of the baggers go.

I can hardly wait for Christmas day.  When I was a kid it was all about the presents, but as I grew older I realized it was all about the people and that the people were much more precious than presents.  Even the food won't matter that much.  It's just something to get the conversations going.  This year I really want to see mom and dad.  I hope I don't fall asleep again in the middle of the afternoon and wake up and find everyone gone.  That's what always happens every year.  They're all gone and the  place is all straightened up like no one was ever here.

   

CARS AND THE GLOW SNAKE

There was a slithering orange snake in the snow,

He slithered out onto the highway to glow,

When they saw the snow snake,

Each  car hit the brake,

Then sliding off the highway they'd go.

THE GREAT BRATWURST FIRE

I ran out the door because I was not brave,

When my bratwurst caught fire in my microwave,

I blamed it on a mouse,

Chewing wires in the house,

But, the evidence and the house couldn't be saved.