Follow Me On Twitter
Leigh Collin Brandt

Translate

Search This Blog

Sunday, November 30, 2014

THE END OF MY POGO-STICK

I ran over my pogo-stick with my old car,
Now I can't pogo, jump high or jump far,
So, I just thought it was best,
To lay my pogo to rest,
Some thought my pogo stick funeral bizarre.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

MY CHAINSAW WOULDN'T START

I needed firewood but my chainsaw wouldn't start,
So, I used a screwdriver and took it apart,
But, I could not make it run better,
Because I couldn't get it together,
It's like mechanics is some kind of an art.

Friday, November 28, 2014

GNOMES STEAL MY PASTRIES AND DRINK MY BEER

Gnomes have been eating up my apple fritters,
They seem to be evil, pastry eating critters,
Gnomes, invade my home everyday,
Upon my sweet pastries they prey,
Then, they wash them down with my very best bitters.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

MY PET BAT GAVE ME RABIES

I had a giant bat,
That lived underneath my sink,
It's body was pitch black,
But, it's tongue was a bright pink,

It liked to lick my forehead,
And bite me on the nose,
And, when I laid down to sleep at night,
It would nibble on my toes,

I got use to my big bat,
It was like he was a pet,
He was not a flying rat,
But, a friend that I had met,

So, I was not very happy,
When my pet bat flew away,
I then came down with rabies and,
Wished I could make that big bat pay.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

MARK WENT LOOKING FOR TURKEY

Mark was asked to find turkey for Thanksgiving,
So, at the mill he quit his job of riving,
He hoped on a plane,
For a turkey to gain,
In Istanbul you will find Mark still living.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

FOUR FROGS PLAYED LAWN JARTS

Four Frogs Played Lawn Jarts,
Oh my, oh me,
One got stuck by a lawn jart and then there were three,

Three frogs played lawn jarts,
Down by the lake,
One wandered off and was ate by a snake,

Two frogs played lawn jarts,
But, really one was a toad,
And that was the one that was squashed on the road,

One frog played lawn jarts,
He won every game,
But, playing lawn jarts alone is incredibly lame.

Warning:  Lawn Jarts is a dangerous game and should not be played by frogs.

 

Monday, November 24, 2014

FISHIN' FOR MALNUTRITION

I decided to go ice fishin',
For dinner I was wishin',
A crawdad cut my line,
So, on my bait he could dine,
For my dinner I'll have malnutrition.
 

Sunday, November 23, 2014

LOSING MONEY THE OLD FASHION WAY: INVEST IT

My stock portfolio got down so low,
It had no further down it could go,
I added money hoping my portfolio would grow,
Where the money went my broker didn’t know,

I decided to invest in real estate,
But, when I entered the market it was too late,
Then, the banks all raised their interest rate,
I lost all my investment so real estate I just hate,

I tried to hedge my money by buying gold,
But, as soon as I bought everyone else sold and sold,
My intentions were good and strategy bold,
Yet, my investment went south and I felt really cold,

I tried safe investing by buying up bonds and t-bills,
But, soon I found my safe portfolio was full of real ills,
My stomach felt like porcupine quills,
Now I’m broke and picking up bottles for my business thrills.





Saturday, November 22, 2014

DON'T DRINK THE WATER ON MARS



Dan went to visit the pyramids of mars on vacation,
It was a hot dry place that alien nation,
As the day got even hotter,
Dan just had to drink the water,
There were only pay toilets at the space station.
 

Friday, November 21, 2014

I’M JUST A POOR HILLBILLY BEER DRINKING SLOB

I live in a trailer the country is about to condemn,
I wake up each morning with my lungs full of phlegm,
My girlfriend left me for a man with a job,
She said I was just a hillbilly beer drinking slob,

I can’t work computers or barely a phone,
And, the state IRS just won’t leave me alone,
I got no money for lawyers so they know I’m easy to rob,
Because I’m just a poor hillbilly beer drinking slob,

I can’t pay any rent; soon I’ll be out in the cold,
All my stuff to the pawn shops I’ve already sold,
If I had a beer over my beer I would sob,
For I’m just a poor hillbilly beer drinking slob.



NO SLEEP HAIKU

No sleep, mind tired,
Got up early stayed up late,
Work. America.

NATILIE AND HER STINKY TOES

Natalie had an extremely small nose,
Even so, she could smell the in-between of her toes,
The smell was obscene,
It was offensive, unclean,
So, she washed between them with a hot power-hose.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

BOUNCED PEACHES

I bought some peaches at the store,
My son bounced them on the floor,
"The peaches didn't bounce,"
My son would announce,
So, I fixed him peach cobbler at four.

THE SPICE CHEF

There once was a chef named Gill,

The only spice he used was dill,

But, then he tried basil,

Which tickled his nasal,

And, paprika even gave him a thrill.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

I WENT DEER HUNTING WITH A SLINGSHOT LIMERICK

I went deer hunting with just a slingshot,
My luck was real good, really not,
The shot bounced off of the deer,
Got lodged in my ear,
And, there it must stay till I rot.


Tuesday, November 18, 2014

POOR WEASEL PAUL

Poor Weasel Paul went and bit on a bear,
Which he wouldn't done but for Weasel Will's dare,
It's not much of a hunch,
What the bear had for lunch,
Which gave Weasel Will a big scare.

Monday, November 17, 2014

THE DESPERATELY HUNGRY FISHERMAN LIMERICK

Carl went fishing and stepped on a hook,
It hurt really bad and he didn't want to look,
He had caught his big toe,
And, Carl didn't know,
If he had a toe recipe in his cook book.
 

Sunday, November 16, 2014

MY DEER HUNTING RIFLE WOULD NOT SHOOT

My deer hunting rifle would not shoot,
When I pulled the trigger it went "Toot!  Toot!"
So, I guess this year,
I'll just drink beer,
And, earn my title as an old coot.

THE POGO-STICK AND THE ELEPHANT BULLY

I think that it is a real bunch of bunk,
That an elephant stuck my pogo-stick way up his trunk,
Now my day is a complete flopper,
Because of that pogo trunk-hopper,
One hop crushed my stick down to  a pile of just junk. 

The elephant sneezed my pogo-stick free,
It was in so many pieces I just let it be,
So, I will end my sad story,
The elephant was not sorry,
He laughed teary-eyed until he couldn't see. 

Saturday, November 15, 2014

SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER LIMERICK II

Snapping turtle twenty feet wide,
In Skegemog Lake where you reside,
Are giant muskies the food you take,
Or, do you feed on the rattlesnake,
Whatever you eat had better hide.

Friday, November 14, 2014

I'M NOT READY FOR DEAR HUNTING THIS YEAR

I'm not ready for dear hunting this year, 
I have the wrong kind of ammo it would appear,
For some doe I won't trifle,
So, I bought buckshot for my riffle,
And, the fit is not really clear.


Tuesday, November 4, 2014

IT'S HARD TO VOTE WHEN YOU'RE SOBRE

I was lectured a patriotic quote
On how I must go out and vote,
But, I couldn't check any box,
For I shook with detox,
And, my flask was in my other coat.

Monday, November 3, 2014

MY ELECTION DAY CHOICES LIMERICK

On election day I just could not choose,
Whoever won meant that I would then lose,
So, I wrote in "Burgers and Fries."
For food tells no lies,
Except, for judges I voted for "Booze." 

Sunday, November 2, 2014

ON ELECTION DAY

On election day I din't capitulate,
And, vote for any names approved by the state,
So, I wrote my own in,
Oh wow, what a sin,
I'll be in prison until 3008. 


Saturday, November 1, 2014

JOHN'S JOB INTERVIEW

John could not find any socks that matched at all,

He ripped his pants and stained his shirt at the mall,
He knew his job interview,
Went completely phew,
When, the interviewer said "I won't call".