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Tuesday, February 28, 2017

POOR LITTLE TENDERFOOT

Poor little tenderfoot,
Went walking on some stones,
And, with every single step he took,
He made a dozen moans,

Poor little tenderfoot,
Went walking on some sand,
The sand was really scorching hot,
So, he popped every sweat gland,

Poor little tenderfoot,
Went walking on some sticks,
And, every single step he took,
Felt like stepping on ice picks,

Poor little tenderfoot,
Went walking in outer space,
But, his suit depressurized and he blew up,
Because he didn't tie his shoelace.

Monday, February 27, 2017

BUTCHER THE BEAGLE LIKED TO EAT FLIES

Butcher the beagle liked to eat flies,
High in protein; those crunchy meat pies,
Once he chomped down on a bee,
Which made Butcher see,
When eating he should open his eyes.


Sunday, February 26, 2017

NOT A NICE BOSS

I am feeling extremely irked,
For one of my limericks I wrote was jerked,
I went to my boss,
He said he gave it a toss,
Because he was the boss and that's how it worked.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

PAULA THE PYTHON LIVED IN MY BATHTUB

Paula the python lived in my bathtub,
She was a poor pet but gave a great neck rub,
She liked to tease,
By giving me a tight neck squeeze,
But, she had high cholesterol and I was too fatty for grub.

Friday, February 24, 2017

THE BIRD FEEDER LIMERICK

Little birds have a terrible food need,
So, I kept my bird feeder just full of seed,
But, the squirrels out there,
Robbed my feeder just bare,
Those squirrels are just full of greed.

 

Thursday, February 23, 2017

SQUEAKY TIRE

My front tire started to squeak,
I thought it was just a slow leak,
But, as I zoomed down the highway,
My tire rolled down a byway,
Then, my accident came to a peak.
 

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

HOW I CURED ZOMBIE BREATH

With the zombies I grew real tight,
They even taught me how to bite,
Soon, I was their boss,
I made them use toothpaste and floss,
Now, zombie breath is a victim's delight.


Tuesday, February 21, 2017

I ONCE BOUGHT STOCKS

I once bought a boat load of stocks,
But, they were all covered with pox,
I lost all my money,
When I told my honey,
She sank my boat at the docks.

My broker sold me some stock,
He said my profits would rock,
My stock started to stink,
My money went down the drink,
I'd like to clean some-body's clock.

Monday, February 20, 2017

MY HOME IMPROVEMENT PROJECT: FURNACE INSTALLATION

I installed my new furnace and gave it a lite,
Then I laid down and slept sound through the night,
But, I almost died,
From carbon monoxide,
It seems I did not install my furnace quite right.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

MY GIRLFREIND IS A VAMPIRE STORY


Mike Colin
STEPHANIE
By Mike Colin
Reporter
Humor News Nuts Publications
In honor of Halloween (All Hallows Eve) I have been assigned to search out local vampires and interview them for this blog. I have no other formal duties for this month. This assignment could literally bite.

Luckily, I did not have to look far for my first interviewee (vampire victim). It seems my girlfriend Stephanie is a vampire. What luck for me, hey? I always thought she was just one of those Goth people. She dresses in black and wears black eye make-up and nail polish. Her arms each have a pair of fangs on them with drips of blood tattoos running

down from the fangs. I thought she was kind of cool.

I met Stephanie at a really exclusive club. I was living under a bridge at the time (living under bridges is called trolling in Northern Michigan). Since I was just a local troll, I was never allowed in the exclusive night club called "Jack’s Bloody Brew". Jack’s is one of those new brew pubs that are all over Northern Michigan. Jack’s is famous for beers like Blood Light and Bloody Barry Beer. This beer is not sold in stores so, you can only buy this beer at the club. I drank one once and it really tastes just like blood with a kick to it like backyard whiskey. I had a really bad hangover the next day.

As I said before, I was never allowed anywhere near this club. A big muscled bald guy stood at the door and if I even walked by the place he would snarl at me. This guy had teeth that looked like fangs so I was quick to get the heck away from there. One night about midnight I happened to be walking by on the opposite side of the street when I saw this beautiful brunet go up to the bald muscle dude and give him the biggest hickey on the neck. It was such an intense hickey that when the gorgeous girl came up for air, I saw blood dripping down the big dude’s neck. I thought that must of hurt but, the bald guy seemed to like it. It put him in a really great mood and he opened the door to the club and hand gestured for me to cross the street. I almost ran across traffic to get inside the bar. The bald guy kept the door held open until I was inside then, he quickly shut it up so no one could drift in behind me.

The only light in the bar came from a few dim candles. I guessed that these people really like to drink in the dark. Maybe the place wasn’t very clean and they didn’t want any bright lights to show up the dirt. The room was draped in black drapes with red pictures on them. I guess these drapes with pictures are called tapestries. The pictures were all of dragons, bats, wolves and, other monsters. It seemed kind of weird but, the weirdest thing about this club was that there were no foosball games or pool tables. The place didn’t even have a dart board. There was a bar so, I decided to try one of their famous home brewed beer (if I could afford it).

I saw the girl that had given the bouncer a hickey at the bar so I sat down on the bar stool next to her. The bartender must have been an identical twin of the brawny bald bouncer out front. Like his brother, the bartender snarled at me with his fangs and said "we serve only club members here".

Then, suddenly the girl next to me leaned across the bar and gave the bartender an intense hickey like she had done to the guy outside. When the girl came up for air the bartender was bleeding streams of blood from a neck wound. This was like the bleeding the bouncer did outside after his hickey and like the bouncer, the bartender suddenly was really nice to me. "What can I get you?" he asked.

"I don’t have much money. How much is a beer?" I asked.

"The beer is free to club members," the bartender informed me "and you are now a club member. Stephanie here has told me she has sponsored you. As to the type of beer I would recommend to a new club member, I think you should have pint of Bloody Barry Beer. I just got some from Barry this morning. I took almost every drop he had so, you had better drink it now because it will be a while before Barry can make some more."

I ended up trying both beers and they both tasted like blood. The bartender informed me that the beer’s secret ingredient was cow’s blood. I started to push the beer away from me. Then, the bartender reassured me that the drinking blood laden beer was no different than eating a rare steak. I liked rare steak so then and there, I decided Bloody Barry Beer was my favorite beverage but, I just hope Barry the brew master could make some more soon.

The beer had quite a kick to it and this made me able to talk to girls. I turned to Stephanie and introduced myself. When she asked me where I lived I told her I was broke and that I had to live under a bridge. Stephanie told me that if I came back to her house with her she would have a proposition for me. I thought I had nothing to loose so I got into her black Jaguar and went home with her.

It was a really nice new home with an upstairs, a downstairs and, a full basement. It was full of really nice black leather furniture and the walls were all painted blood red. There was a fireplace in every room except the kitchen and laundry room. There were paintings on the walls of the living room of really grotesque looking people. When the large stone fireplace in the living room was lit, the room looked both eerie and beautiful. I liked it.

I guessed Goth people were really cool. When I was in high school I thought Goth kids were just a bunch of outcast nerds. My brother Tim always said Goths were "nerd rejects". If Stephanie is a "nerd reject" then sign me up for Goth school. Not only is she gorgeous but, she has done really well for herself to have a fine home like this. No one in family lives even near this kind of house. Everyone I know just thinks about winning enough money at the casino to make a deposit on a double wide. Madam Misty is the only friend I have that had a big house and, she lost it due to lack of business during this recession.

Stephanie has a nice house and the neighborhood is full of fine looking cribs (I learned from MTV that "cribs" is the cool way to say house". Usually people in these homes call people like me "skuzz". I was surprised the police didn’t show up when I got out of her black Jaguar. Back when my dad worked for Roto Rueter, he was arrested for littering and indecent exposure when he drove into one of these kinds of neighborhoods. The muffler fell off his pickup is the reason he was arrested for littering. When he asked why he was being hauled off to jail for indecent exposure he was told that "you showed your skuzzy face off in this neighborhood and nobody here wants to look at it."

Once Stephanie was finished showing me around her house she told me that she had been watching me live under the bridge. I don’t remember seeing Stephanie anywhere’s near the bridge. There were mostly old men and bats living with me under the bridge. Stephanie also said that she was thinking about putting me out of my misery when she started feeling sorry for me.

Stephanie then said to me, "Here’s the deal. In return for my becoming your girlfriend you will move in here and live in his house. Because of my religious beliefs, you will live in the top two levels of the house and I will live in the basement. You must never enter the basement for any reason and you must make sure that no one else ever goes down into the basement. A girl like me needs her privacy. ’

I of course agreed to all her terms. Stephanie was great. In addition to letting me stay in her house, she let me drive her Jag. There was a problem. I could not help but want to go down into the basement just to sneak a peak at the crib my girlfriend lived in. I felt kind of funny taking over the house from her and her moving down into the basement. There were several bedrooms in the house and I did not see why she could not just stay in one of them.

One day, I decided I would have a look down in the basement. Stephanie was a night person so she stayed down in the basement sleeping during the day. She kept the door locked during the day but, left it unlocked when she went out at night. So, I waited until Stephanie left and then I crept down into the basement. At the bottom of the basement stairs I turned on the light. It was a huge basement but, the only thing in it was a black casket. I went over to the casket and looked inside. Except for a few inches of dirt, the casket was empty. I figured Stephanie must sleep in the casket in the daytime since there was not other furniture in the basement. I thought my new girlfriend is really into some sort of extreme yoga if she is living and sleeping like this. I thought then that maybe the Goth lifestyle isn’t for me?

Things were going o.k. for a while then; my friend Madam Misty told me I had better watch out because my girlfriend was a vampire. I thought at first that Madam Misty had been mixing her apricot brandy with her Mogen David wine again. But, Madam Misty was very insistent so, I had to confront Stephanie and find out what was going on. Madam Misty told me I had better confront Stephanie in public or she might just give me a bad case of the bleeds.

I decided to confront my girlfriend at the club where we met. At least the bar tender would be there should Stephanie turn out to be a vampire. He would certainly keep me away from harm. A big guy like that and his bouncer twin brother should easily be able to take on a female vamp.

The bouncer at the club entrance was gone. I easily opened the door and walked into the bar. Stephanie was sitting at her normal stool at the bar. The bartender looked up at me and said "I just got in a fresh batch of Bloody Barry Beer. Would you like a bottle?"

"Yeah, I’ll take one", I said as I bellied up to the bar beside my girlfriend. "I see your twin from out front isn’t here tonight" I said to the bartender.

"No," the bartender replied, "He’s gone south for the winter and I intend on heading down there tonight myself,"

"I guess you should know Mike," Stephanie began," I’m heading to warmer climates myself. I’m going to Cancun for the winter and I don’t know when or, if I’ll be back here any time soon. I have to move on."

I took a big chug down on my beer. I needed the drink to keep my from falling out of my seat. I was devastated. My relationship with this beautiful woman was over. I couldn't’t bring myself to say anything. The shock of loosing Stephanie put me into a deep stupor.

"Because of your loyalty I’m giving you the house and the car," Stephanie said. "There is some cash beneath the box in the basement. Yes, I know you were down there this evening. I also know you psychic friend told you that I am a vampire and yes it is true. I’m over three hundred years old. I’m a blood sucker but, you know I still am at least part human. I haven’t done so bad by you have I?" she asked.

I shook my head and said "No, you’ve been really good to me. I’ll miss you." I had a tear in my eye. I don’t remember the last time I had a tear from being sad. But, I was really sad.

Stephanie took me by the hand and led me out of the club. Stephanie kissed me gently on the neck (no hickey). Then, Stephanie said "got to fly", as she turned away from me with wings sprouting from her back as her blouse ripped to shreds. Stephanie then leaped into flight with here wings flapping. She rose up to meet several other vampires who were flying in a V formation like they were a flock of geese. Stephanie soon fell into formation and vanished with the other vampires beyond the horizon.

Stephanie left me several thousand dollars for taxes and upkeep on the house. A deed and car title arrived in the mail a few days later. I was all set. It was like I was one of those young guys in Florida who stay with an older lady for a home. The only thing is, if Stephanie returns here in thirty years, I’ll be an old man and she’ll still be young. I hope she comes back one day. Until then, I’ll keep her nice home and car in good shape. The club was closed and no one has opened up anything new at that location. It’s like the club never existed at all.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

THE BABOON ROMANTIC LIMERICK

Henry was a baboon,
He just loved most of all the new moon,
His girlfriend Nancy,
For Hank had a fancy,
They would sit in their tree and just spoon.

Friday, February 17, 2017

GREGG USED A PENCIL TO CLEAN OUT HIS NOSE

Gregg used a pencil to clean out his nose,
It was a poor choice and caused him great woes,
Though he used the eraser end,
It got stuck in the nose bend,
His humiliation just grows and grows.

 

Thursday, February 16, 2017

SPACE MONKEY JUSTICE

A space monkey landed on my old car,
He was nasty cause he got drunk at the bar,
He barred his mean teeth,
He bit my little brother named Keith,
So, the space monkey got town justice with feathers and tar.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

MY POGO-STICK AS TRANSPORTATION TO WORK

I quit driving my car for a pogo stick,
Yet, now I can't seem to get anywhere quick,
I can jump really high,
And, pretend I can fly,
But, my boss said  that he did not "give a lick."

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

ODE TO THE CHOCOLATE GLAZED DOUGHNUT

My dearest doughnut all chocolate glazed,
Missing you has made me crazed,
Powdered sugar and sprinkles,
Won't smooth out doughnut wrinkles,
Chocolate glaze is what has me amazed.

Monday, February 13, 2017

MY GOLDFISH PLAYS DEAD

My goldfish is good at playing dead,
He's done it for the past two weeks,
He can even make a dead goldfish smell,
For his fishbowl really wreaks,

My goldfish is so clever,
At playing that he is no more,
He can float on his back forever,
But, his actions start to bore,

I've had it with my goldfish,
I won't give him anymore food,
Until he starts to swim around,
And, entertain this dude.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

I BURN GREEN FIREWOOD

My good firewood was running real low,
I had lots of green stuff but, it burned like a foe,
You burn green it is said,
When you're between frozen and dead,
And, green wood makes a creosote fire woe.
 

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

MY FLIPPED CRUISE SHIP TRIP DIP

I went sailing on a mighty cruise ship,
It hit a rock and started to tip,
The ship flipped and it dove,
Into the bottom it drove,
And, the passengers all took a dip.
 

Thursday, February 2, 2017

EVIL ROY THE MOTH LIMERICK

Roy was a great big summer moth,
He only ate pure cotton cloth,
He would never play fair,
Ate holes in underwear,
The drafts made you yearn for hot broth.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

I DON'T PUT THE QUARTERS IN MY LEAKY POT

I took a pottery class and made me a pot,
But, it didn't hold liquids because it leaked a lot,
So, I stored in it my change,
The denominational range,
Except quarters, I spend all that I got.