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Leigh Collin Brandt

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Wednesday, May 31, 2017

MY CAR IS RUSTY OR PIXIE-DUSTY

My car is sprinkled all with rust,
But, the kids all call it pixie-dust,
Well, the engine is magic,
If magic is tragic,
And, getting somewhere not a must.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

THE PATHS ON MY CARPET

The paths on my carpet grow deep and grow large,
It's like someone leads daily a cavalry charge,
And, whatever is led,
Smells at least six months dead,
Now, I'm being evicted by my landlady, Marge.

Monday, May 29, 2017

THE TAINTED LEMONADE LIMERICK

MY LEMONADE STAND

The lemonade I sold was not from good juice,
My customers complained that their bowls got too loose,
And, one lady fainted,
Then, called my lemonade tainted,
I ran off when I saw the crowd with the noose. 

UNHEALTHY LIVING LIMERICK II

Jean ate pancakes all soaking with grease,
Although, she knew that she'd soon "Rest In Peace,"
She still scooped-up the lard,
And, ignored the health bard,
For life is always just a tenuous lease.

THE FISH PHILOSOPHY

Ernie the minnow lived in the weeds,
Swimming and eating were his only needs,
He swam to and fro,
With no real place to go,
Doing nothing was the best of his deeds.


DRAGNET FOR MY FISHING POLE

I walked out on the dock and what did I pass?
A giant, a record, an enormous rock bass,
But, my pole was at the cabin, not out on the dock,
I took it to the cabin when I listened to Bach,

So, I ran back to the cabin to look for my pole,
I looked under the chairs and in every floor hole,
But, my fishing pole was not to be found,
I remembered I left it somewhere on the ground,

Alas, I sent the kids out in a fish pole dragnet,
And, one of them found it so expectations were met,
Then, another found my worms so; I knew I was set,
Next, I ran out on the dock to see if my bass was there yet,

Then, just as I saw that big rock bass in the bay,
He heard my running vibrations and swam fast away,
So, I fished off the dock for the rest of the day,
While, minnows tugged on my worm, trying to bait me to play. 

Sunday, May 28, 2017

WASH AWAY MAN

I forded the river but fell in the stream,
As I washed away I let out a scream,
My scream did not bring me luck,
I scraped through rocks, sticks and muck,
Still, I managed to stay pretty clean.

MY WALL STREET JOB IS IN THE TOILET

I decided to work on Wall Street,
To prepare I ate only raw meat,
At first I felt like a lion,
Then, I swore I was dyin',
Vomit paid for my exchange seat. 

Saturday, May 27, 2017

WHAT LIES WITH THE LEECH?

I am such a dedicated teach,
I took my laptop and my work to the beach,
Then, the tide came straight in,
And, my laptop could not swim,
Now, it lies in the lake with the leech.

HOLIDAY CRISIS

Everyone has left town for a holiday bash,
It's off to the lake for a tan and a splash,
And, the prices I'm told,
Reflect a weekend oversold,
So, there's a crisis of credit and cash,

Thursday, May 25, 2017

WED WHITENING-WOOD

Whitening and Wood were wed,
Then, they stayed in Wood's parent's back shed,
Although the rent was real cheap,
In the cold air would creep,
So, the wood stove was constantly feed.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

THE COLLEGE DEBT LIMERICK

Jimmy thought education was the thing,
To fill up his pockets with bling,
But, it was the wrong bet,
Now he's mired in debt,
On street corners for quarters he'll sing.

MY NAME IS BUCK CHAINNEY AND I COME FROM DEEP SPACE





My name is Buck Chainney and I come from deep space,

I thought I'd find good food when I stopped at this place,

But, the meat is too tough,

And, the veggies too rough,

And, the dairy makes me break out on my face.

 

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

GORDO THE GOLDFISH LIMERICK AND POEM

Poem
Gordo the goldfish grew a full set of teeth,
He then ate his companions Julie and Keith,
He sharpend his teeth on a fake coral reef,
While eyeing the table where sat a roast beef.
 
LimerickGordo the goldfish won't eat fishfood dried flies,
The roast beef on the table is where his heart lies,
But, he can't jump out of his bowl,
For someone covered the hole,
So, he stares out at the roast beef and cries.

 

Monday, May 22, 2017

DELETE THE STINKY PROSE

I wrote some real stinky prose,
It was so bad it stuffed up my nose,
So, I punched my keyboard's delete,
The lines vanished complete,
They are gone where all stinky prose goes.

JENNY FAKED CAKE




Jenny said she'd bake a scratch cake,

But, it came from a box and thus was a fake,

The frosting came from a can,

What a big fake cake plan,

And, her bragging was more than I could just take.
 

Sunday, May 21, 2017

MY PET BAT PICKED BAD FRIENDS

My pet bat is loaded with lice,

He hangs out too much with field mice,

Having really bad friends,

Has led my bat to bad ends,

So, before making new friends he'll think twice.
 

Saturday, May 20, 2017

MY PET GOLDFISH AND MY SOUL

Rita was my pet fish,
She lived in my pet fish bowl,
And, although Rita was just a goldfish,
She was mated to my soul,

Rita lived in just a fish bowl,
But, to Rita it was a sea,
And, Rita only had to show those big fish eyes,
To get most anything from me,

I bought Rita lots of play toys,
Like a plastic clam and a porcelain bell,
I even bought her a harmonica,
And, she learned to play it well,

Then, one day Rita passed away,
She got stuck in the porcelain bell,
And, I had a tiny fish fry,
Then, Rita's things I had to sell.






GREGG USED A VACUUM TO CLEAN OUT HIS EARS

Gregg used a vacuum to clean out his ears,

It sucked out his brains and brought his eyes to tears,

Now, just a zombie remains,

As Gregg seeks other's brains,

He should settle for some chips and some beers.
 

Friday, May 19, 2017

I CUT A BUG IN TWO LIMERICK

With a knife I cut a bug in two,
Then from each half a new half grew,
Each bug gave me a bite,
The pain inspired an insight,
"Squashing the bug was the right thing to do".

Thursday, May 18, 2017

MY TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN

My time machine broke down in the late middle ages,

That was the most backward of human historical stages,

They over used the word "hath",

And, no one at all took a bath,

So, they all stunk be they kings, squires or pages.
 

THERE WAS A ROCKBASS NAMED MURKY

There was a rockbass named Murky,
When he swam he swam really Jerky,
He swam over a dam,
Did a forehead slam,
Now he thinks that he is a turkey.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

THE RHUBARB WINE LIMERICKS UNPLUGGED


There is nothing as potent as fresh rhubarb wine,
It’s not drank by the timid, connoisseur or divine,
The bottle warnings you should heed,
It can make your eye balls bleed,
To save yourself when offered a glass just decline.

Rhubarb wine made me grow hair down between my toes,
I grew hair in my ears and the nostrils of my nose,
The wine made my eyes all glassy,
This scared off my main lassie,
Rhubarb wine is the cause of most all of my woes.





FLIP THE SHIP

My little, tiny, teeny ship,
Twelve feet of metal and the side had a rip,
I just left the dock,
A wave made my ship rock,
Then, over my ship made a flip. 

CLYDE THE SPIDER LIMERICK

There once was a spider named Clyde,
He built spider webs with such pride,
Then, down came a great rain,
The webs went down the drain,
Now, he builds all his webs inside.

Monday, May 15, 2017

MAD AT POTATO SALAD

My potato salad made people so sad,
I used mayonnaise that had gone really bad,
The eggs were well boiled,
But, had sat out and got spoiled,
Now, everyone who ate it is mad.


LITTLE FISH UNDER MY DOCK

Little fish playing under my dock,
With a hook and a worm you'll make my lunch rock,
I know you can see,
The worm luring thee,
Come grab it and I'll clean your fish clock!

Sunday, May 14, 2017

SUZIE THE SNAPPING TURTLE DID ME IN

There was a snapping turtle named Suzie,
She thought that she would pull a real dozy,
She bit a hole in my wood boat,
Then my boat would not float,
And, drowning made me feel really oozy.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

A MARTIAN STOLE MY GRANDFATHER CLOCK

A martian stole my grandfather clock,

He came all this way and didn't have a tick-tock,

It is quite original,

Martian time isn't digital,

Still, may the thief crash his ship on a rock.

Friday, May 12, 2017

THE NEIGHBORHOOD GARGOYLES

I saw two gargoyles out in the yard,
They were snacking on someone; I think Mr. Bard,
Because it wasn't me,
I just let it be,
With gargoyles you must be on guard.

Two gargoyles were lurking in my neighborhood,
They seemed to think my neighbors tasted real good,
Only I stayed inside,
And, the rest of them died,
Being safe was not well understood.
 

Thursday, May 11, 2017

SIMON WAS A GIANT CRAWDAD

Simon was a giant crawdad,
He ate dead fish and smelled real bad,
He brushed twice a day,
And, used mouthwash they say,
He still had no friends and felt sad.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

THE FLOWERLESS FLOWER MOON

I woke from sleep to see the Flower Moon,
I pierced through my window like the great sun at noon,
But, I saw no flowers,
Just star bunches and towers,
I'm thinking "weed" would be the moon's name in June.

RIPTIDE HAIKU

Swimming in big lake,
Riptide pulls me out, can’t swim,
Drowning in big lake.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

WHY PEOPLE DRIVE WITH A FLAT TIRE

Why do people drive with a flat tire?
Because they see a monster in the rear view seat,
And, if that monster looks a little bit hungry,
Then, it is the driver he will probably eat,

Driving with a flat tire,
Is not so awful or bad,
You just can’t catch up to the cute lassie,
Or, run over her dear sweetest lad,

I guess tires were invented by man,
So that these tires would not last,
So people who drive on a flat tire,
Are people still living in the past.



WOODPECKER

The woodpecker pecked wood real jerky,
His bobble head made him look quirky,
His sudden jumps showed he was perky, 
"What'd ya expect?" he said, "I ain't no turkey."

Monday, May 8, 2017

THE MONSTER IN THE SWAMPY LAGOON

I went swimming in a swampy lagoon,
My only light was the light of the moon,
While swimming on my back,
I was a swamp monster's snack,
In his belly it was colored maroon.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

I GOT PINE TREE JUICE ON MY FEET LIMERICK

I got pine tree juice all over my two feet,
It's sticky and nasty and just can't be beat,
I tried to use soap,
But, it gave me no hope,
I'm glad my cat thinks pine tree juice is a treat.

BIG FOOT HUNTING IN MICHIGAN

Big foot hunting in Michigan,
Hard to hunt, hard to see,
Shot at one once,
Turned out to be a tree.

Big foot hunting in Michigan,
Hard to hunt, hard to see,
Shot at one once,
Got my brother-in-law in the knee.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

NO HORSE HONEY AT THE DERBY

I went to the Derby to get some horse honey,
But, I lost my big bet now I have no more money,
So, I'll go back to the shop,
Where I'll work there non-stop,
Tears falling as my nose runs it's honey.

JULIE THE RATTLESNAKE LIMERICK

Julie the rattlesnake ate nothing but bugs,
She spared all the rodents, the frogs and, the slugs,
She was once stuck in quicksand all the way,
But, the animals saved her on that day,
Then, Julie gave all the animals kisses and hugs.

Friday, May 5, 2017

I RAN OVER MY FOOT WITH A MOWER LIMERICK

I ran over my foot with a mower,
Now, I’m walking a little bit slower,
My foot is really soar,
When it comes down on the floor,
I’m giving up land to be a tin boat rower.



Thursday, May 4, 2017

I STEADIED MY JIG TO EAT FISH LIKE A PIG

I went fishing out on the waves so big,
I used 10 lbs of sinkers to steady my jig,
And, did I hook a whopper,
A real surface flopper,
Then, that night I ate fish like a pig.


I SHOWED THE MOSS JUST WHO IS BOSS

My roof was all covered with moss,
So, some fertilizer I gave a toss,
The moss dried up and died,
And, I take belligerent pride,
In showing moss just who is the boss.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

THE SHARKS IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

There's sharks in Grand Traverse Bay,
Otherwise, it's a nice place to stay,
But, the sharks always attack,
Few swimmers come back,
And, upfront at hotels you must pay.

Monday, May 1, 2017

HAMELET THE DIPSY DIVER SWIMS FAST

Hamlet was a shy dipsy diver bug,
He'd dive if he caught a glimpse of your mug,
He'd swim ten foot away,
Before you could say,
"He must use a performance enhancing drug."

SAMMY'S SANDCASTLE AND THE SEA

Sammy's sandcastle was built too close to the sea,
Along came a whitecap and it ceased to be,
Sammy was ticked,
Not for the location he picked,
But, at the water that set the sand grains all free.