BARRY THE COMIC WITH BRONCHITIS LIMERICK

Barry was a comic with bronchitis so bad,
His hacking though his monologue made everyone sad,
His jokes would have been very funny,
But distracted by his hacks and nose so runny,
When the monologue was over we were glad.

SUE'S MUTINY AT SEA LIMERICK

There once was a sailor named Sue,
She planed  a mutiny at just half past two,
When the officers surrendered,
She had them dismembered,
And fed the arms and legs to the crew.

THE MIXED METAPHOR SCORE

I love to mix the metaphor,

Like shooting ducks in barrels in a row,

It makes the over educated roar,

But speaks to the minions who already know.

PSYCHOSIS AND POST-NASAL DRIP IN HAMSTERS

Harlan the hamster had post-nasal drip,
It embarrassed him so, his mind started to slip,
He thought he was a Procter,
And, a university doctor,
But, the students greeted him with a flip.

THE GALAXY CALLED NORM

As the toilet swirls so, goes the galaxy called Norm,

Often you can see it after an evening thunderstorm,

And, if in that galaxy you wish to be,

It takes four batteries labeled "D",

You'll  also need a flashlight to travel in photon form. 

  

SUMMER HOLIDAY WEATHER FICTION PREDICTION

I spent lot's of money for a cookout outside,
I chose the Forth for showing national pride,
I relied on the weather prediction,
But it turned out to be fiction,
We were cramped in my '24 double-wide.

DECORATION DAY

On this Decoration Day,

I have to eat my curds and whey,

To attend parades without delay,

And traffic laws I can still obey,

So out of jail, today I'll stay.

THE ROOF CAVED IN ON MY TRAILER

It's roof has had a big failure, complete,

So it's no going back to the trailer to eat,

I guess I'll be camping outside,

And will have to swallow my pride,

And spray down my whole body with Deet. 

HOTDOG COOKOUT

My cookout hotdogs are looking quite mean,

They have spots that are brown and growths that are green,

But, the guests for the lunch,

I will pickle with punch,

Then, condiments will hide the crime scene.

The spoiled hotdogs I served have made guests really boom,

I wish I'd installed that second bathroom,

And, because of a close Redi Med,

There's just 8 dizzy, 3 dead,

I think the dizzy ones ate some local mushroom. 

THE FABLE OF THE SLOB WITH NO JOB

My IRS tax bill was amazingly tall,

Even though, my paycheck revenue was extremely small,

So, I quit my old job,

To stay at home, be a slob,

Then the bill collectors started to call.

MORAL:  

While thinking you've out thought the system is cool,

BUT YOU CAN'T!

That's why they call it a "system,"  you fool.    

I CHEESED AND CHEESED

I cheesed and cheesed my lettuce salad mix,

It still tasted bad, so I tried a bacon bits fix,

I got tired of messing,

So I dumped on the dressing,

And reserved it for supper at six.

THE SPICE CHEF

There once was a chef named Gill,

The only spice he used was dill,

But then he tried basil,

Which tickled his nasal,

And paprika even gave him a thrill.

TEN TIMES PLUS THRICE

I'm afraid I feel not nice,

Because my hair has a load of lice,

I bought lice poo; paid big price,

Poo not work; shaved head; ate rice,

I've now had lice ten times plus thrice.

FIRST WEEK OF JUNE LIMERICK

The first week of June has started off with a storm,
And, isn't this the month when it's supposed to get warm?
But, by the feel of the breeze,
Methinks it might freeze,
I can see in the rain the ice crystals form.

BUG BITES AND THE DISAPPEARED

The bugs in the basement are on the crawl,

Soon to be upstairs in the little potty stall,

Then they sneak into the bed,

Bitting from toes to the head,

Biting and biting, until there's no body left at all.

THE HOUND OF THE NORTH VILLES

My local homemade hotdogs we call hounds,

They taste really good and they sure put on the pounds,

They give down staters a pause,

Our hounds bite back and have claws,

And when you pass gas you'll hear the hound sounds.

MY AIR CONDITIONER

My air conditioner blew up with a boom, 
Now it’s hotter than Hades in my room, 
There’s no ice in the freezer, 
To cool off this geezer, 
I’m afraid this heat wave is my doom.

AUF WIEDERSEHEN TO MAY

Auf Wiedersehen to May,

While a volcano spits away,

And, the suns getting hotter,

Dried ponds for the otter,

While polar bears move onto the clay,

Auf Wiedersehen to May,

The glaciers slide into the bay,

Migrationers don't fly,

And, the west lands go dry,

May June bring a much wetter day.

DANCE OF THE WATER SPIDER

The water spider was really silly,

He teased a mama fish named Millie,

When Millie was about,

The spider danced above her snout,

Until the mama fish felt hungry and killy.

THE DRONE MESSAGES

I was sending messages using a drone,
It was cheaper and cooler than maintaining a phone,
It saved really big bucks,
Then flew over hunters for ducks,

All that's left is the tale and nose-cone.

EXPLOITED DOCK WORKER

I put the docks in the lake on May Day and I really felt the freeze,

Ice water down to my footsies with polar winds above my knees,

Exploited labourer am I,

On this May Day I shall cry,

I work alone since when work arrives everybody leaves.

I HUNTED THE SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER NEAR LAKE MICHIGAN

By Tim Colin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Publications

Skegemog Lake is located in Northern Michigan and is visible from highway U.S. 72. Much of the lake is surrounded by a protected natural habitat hiking area which is famous for the abundance of Michigan rattlesnakes. Rattlesnakes do not usually bother people but, they do not like to be stepped on. Someone once told me that the venom of the Michigan Rattlesnake is fifty times more powerful than most other rattlesnakes so, it must really hurt if you get bit.

A few days ago I read on the Internet that the rattlesnakes in Skegemog Lake have been hard to find lately. In addition, fishing has also been really poor there recently. When I talked about this at the bar yesterday a man from Midland Michigan said that the reason the fish and snakes are disappearing is because of the giant snapping turtles that live in the lake. One in particular is a monster that is over 20 feet long and is known by locals as “Old Skeggey”.I asked the man from Midland Michigan how he knew so much about the problem in Skegemog Lake. He said that he was a turtleolgist (someone who studies turtles). He introduced himself as Bugzy and said he’d be willing to mount an expedition to find Old Skeggey if I would put up the $15.00 to rent a canoe. I agreed to his terms and the next morning we were standing on the shore of Lake Skegemog with our aluminum canoe. I had my brother Mike accompany us because if we found Old Skeggey we were going to try to put a large fish net over it. I figured we could use an extra hand to haul in a giant snapper.

As we neared the center of the lake we noticed lightning off in the distance. The clouds were really black and the storm seemed to be moving in our direction. My brother Mike was concerned that we might get hit because we were in an aluminum canoe. However, Bugzy said that the aluminum would conduct the lightning bolts away from our body and we were much safer than if we were in a fiberglass canoe. Besides, the fiberglass canoes were an extra $5.00 to rent for the day.

Mike also wondered why we did not have a more substantial boat to go after such a large monster. Bugzy pointed out that a canoe is more maneuverable than a large boar and we could get right up near shore if we had to. Besides, if a canoe is flipped over it is easy to flip it right side up. A larger boat would be nearly impossible to flip quickly and with rattlesnakes and giant turtles in the water, you want to get back in the boat as fast as possible if it flips. Bugzy further stated that he knew what he was doing because he was a scientist with a background in turtleology. With such credentials how could anyone argue with Bugzy?

Just as the black thunderheads started to roll in and rain began to sprinkle down, some large, massive saucer shaped object soared past us at no more than three feet away. The thing must have been 20 feet long. When the object got about twenty feet away, a head popped up and turned an eye back at us then, the head went back under the waves. The waves were getting bigger as the wind increased. The sky had turned totally black and the rain was wiping down on us as we sat in the middle Skegemog Lake.

Lightning bolts came down like spider legs all along the shore. My Brother Mikes’ hair became really kinky like he just had one of grandma’s permanents. Then, suddenly, the entire canoe was raised out of the water and we found ourselves traveling on top of the giant snapping turtle. He swam toward the shoreline at the speed of a motor boat. Mike and I just sat still hoping the thing was not going to eat us once we were closer to shore. Bugzy was busy pulling up the fish net we had laying in the canoe. I figured our turtleologist must have a plan to save us from certain death.

When our canoe was just about 50 feet from shore Old Skeggy sank down like a submarine and our canoe went riding off into shallow water. Mike and I jumped out of the canoe and ran for our lives until we reached shore. We turned around to see Bugzy with his net, trying to ensnare Old Skeggey. Bugzy managed to get the net over Old Skeggey but, the turtle used his beak to slice through the net and swam off to deeper water. Bugzy walked slowly up to the shore with his head held low. He was so dejected that Old Skeggy had gotten away when we were so close to capturing him. Just as Bugzy stepped on shore the canoe was hit by several bolts of lightning at once and exploded. The orange glowing metal pieces feel back into the lake and sizzled as they sank to the bottom.

Mike was the first to speak and said that he thought Old Skeggey had saved our lives. Bugzy did not say another word until we had a couple of beers at the bar. Then he told us that he was going to give up turtleology and become a truck driver. Bugzy said that he had been a truck driver until Tuesday. That was the day he decided he would try being a turtleologist.

The only thing good about this adventure for me is that I did not end up paying a fine or having to do community service which, seems to be my usual reward for being curious about the out of doors and life in general. I did have to pay $300 to the canoe rental business for failing to take better care of the canoe.

We did not get bit by any rattlesnakes but, there is a giant snapping turtle in Skegemog Lake. I do not think he was trying to hurt us and in fact, he may have saved us. I also learned that turtleologist don’t know anything about lightning strikes. I leaned that just because someone is a genius in one scientific field it does not mean they know anything about any of the other sciences.

DRINKING TEA AND DANCING ON A SHIP THAT'S GOING DOWN

Open on the sea,

Was where Huntley wanted to be,

In is twelve foot long dingy,

Filled with water to the knee,

Still, Huntley danced a gig with glee, while drinking camomile tea.

BARTLEBY THE CRIBNER

Bartleby liked to stay in a baby crib,
He had a baby bottle, blanket and bib,
He once ran a bank,
It went into the tank,
At sixty he couldn't take any one's rib.

A SERIOUSLY STUPID RHYME

One little bug flew up my nose,

He ate into my brain I guess, I suppose,

Another little but entered my eye,

He got stuck in my eyeball and then he couldn't fly,

Then a pair of squirrels came down from a tree,

Why they circled the ground was a mystery,

Then they gathered some cigarette butts,

They took the butts home to smoke their walnuts,

DAVID AND THE TALKING TOE DIMPLE

David had dimple on his little bitty toe,
And that dimple deepened as his toe began to grow,
Then that dimple started to really talk,
Which gave David pause to walk,
For each step the dimple shouted "Ouch! Ouch! WOE!!!"

I AM A LITTLE BLOGGER LIVING ON THE MOON

I am a little blogger living on the moon,
I like munching on potato chips, then go sleep all afternoon,
I like to blog about that and this,
I brag about the ones I kiss,
And rate SCFI movies like Trek and Dune.

COMFORT FOOD EXAMPLES

It matters not if you're a dudess or dude,

We all desire our comfort food,

It could be ice cream and cake,

Or beans that you bake,

Or pasta that changes the mood.

THE ITSY BITSY SONG REVISED

An itsy bitsy glider flew up my brother's snout,

He blew his nose real hard but, the glider wouldn't come out,

My brother then snorted up some pepper and blew out the glider and half his brains,

Then, the itzy, bitzy glider flew up his snout again. 

THE SQUAT TROT

In a tent on an abandoned lot,

I found me a place to squat,

I thought the living would be free,

But it weren't meant to be,

The owners chased me off; made me trot.

I LOST MY GIGABYTES

With final exams coming I had straight A's in my sight's,
Then my brain suddenly lost all of it's gigabytes,
Was it the brownies or, maybe the iced tea?
No, I think it was the vodka that was no good for me,

So what if I flunk out of college and have to stay home,
From what better base can I romp and I roam,
Dad is always out working and mom's watching the little kids,
No one to pay attention to my does and my dids.

I USE TO LIKE TO WASH WITH SOAP

I use to really love to wash with soap,
Then I'd break out and feel like a dope,
There were more than just dimples,
There were millions of pimples,
I still don't know how that I should cope.

TEN LITTLE MINNOWS: THE NOSE POEM

Ten little minnows nibbled on my toes,

I thought nothing of it until their number rose,

When I went to swim to shore,

There were a million minnows more,

All that made it to the shoreline was my nose.

TO SIT IN THE WRONG PLACE LIMERICK

I laid down two pillows to sit on the floor,
Unfortunately, I sat way too close to the door,
The door slammed into my back,
And my spine went crack, crack,
Now I can’t lie down because my back is so soar.

TILT CAMPING, HURRAY

"Tilt Camping", is camping on the steep side of a hill,

The tilt in that world gives us vet campers a thrill,

There is common wash outs from rain,

And rolling downhill logs causing pain,

There are many ways nature hunts for a kill.

THE SWEATY SALMON SAGA

There once was a big red salmon named Strange Betty,
She was the only fish whose under-fins got sweaty,
She tried underarm cream,
Before swimming upstream,
But, she was smelled-out and ate by a Yettie.
 

BAD DAY AT THE BEACH POEM

First a turtle bit my toe, 
And the pain filled me with woe, 
Then a rattle snake bit my shin,
And he pumped some poison in,
A large shark bit my thigh, 
And the pain made me cry, 
Then bird droppings fell on my head,
That’s what sent me home to bed.

AN EXERCISE THAT MADE ME UNFIT

I was fit as a fiddle until I ran down the street,

I thought I'd get a run in before I went to eat,

But, I tripped over my feet,   

And, by the pavement got beat,

Now, I drink through a straw; what a treat!

ROOFTOP TOAD HAIKU

 Rooftop toad,

Hot sun, hot tar, Oh!

Stuck warts and all but, nice view.

 

CANNED FROM THE BAND

I was marching down the road in a band,

When the wind blew and I was covered with sand,

It plugged the hole in my trombone,

Which gave me a crazy tone,

Hence, the band director said I was canned.

THE BALLAD OF DAN DE VILLE

There was a grasshopper named Dan De Ville,
He would hop from hill to hill,
He gave all the girls quite the thrill,
When he'd preen himself on a window sill,

Dan De Ville was quite vain,
To the point he was insane,
He jumped in front of a train,
They say he never felt a pain.

THE PROMISE I COULD NOT KEEP

I googled and googled and googled one day,
To find my best bud in high school,
Old lizard lips Clay,
I found him not in a very good way,

Old lizard lips was buried two miles from town,
I got in my rust bucket to go visit the clown,
I found the spot where he took his dirt nap,
With respect I pulled off my Detroit Red Wings cap,

I brought Old Clay a six pack of beer,
Just to let him know his old buddy was here,
I was glad that an old shade tree was very near,
So, I sat down for a while and shed one great big tear,

We conversed for a while,
Clay didn’t talk too much,
Before Leaving I promised,
That I’d keep in touch,

That was the last time I visited my high school bud Clay,
I haven’t been back there to visit to this very day,
For I had a bad accident on my way back to town,
They buried me ten miles from that lizard lipped clown.

TIM AND MIKE PLAYED LAWN JARTS OUTSIDE

Tim and Mike played lawn jarts outside,
Hitting the target gave a great since of pride,
But neither was a stranger,
For lawn jarts are a danger,
Still, poor Mike got stuck in the side.

MY WHISKERS AND THE FLUTE TOOT

I got all dressed up in my finest suit,

I played all night on my piccolo flute,

Then it got very scary,

Because my face was so hairy,

My whiskers flopped flat my last toot. 

GREGG USED A VACUUM TO CLEAN OUT HIS EARS

Gregg used a vacuum to clean out his ears,

It sucked out his brains and brought his eyes to tears,

Now, just a zombie remains,

As Gregg seeks other's brains,

He should settle for some chips and some beers.
 

FROM: THE LIVING BAIT FISHERMAN

Minnow bucket full,
Too many, no breath, tragedy,
Error, no live bait.

BERT GOT GORED IN THE KEIST LIMERICK

Bert had a big buck chase him through the dell,
He tried to cry out but his throat would not yell,
Bert got gored by the beast,
Through the lower part of his keist,
Why he sits on his knees he won’t tell.

A NANTUCKET LIMERICK

Sometimes you feel you should write rhymes with Nantucket,
I thought so today and then I said "Duck It",
Who likes the East anyway?
I will visit not stay,
I'd rather be home with my beer in a bucket.

SAMMY'S SANDCASTLE AND THE BUILDING CODE LIMERICK

Sammy's sandcastle was not built to code,
He ignored the inspectors and didn't strengthen the load,
The load did not bear,
The sand fell everywhere,
Now, Sammy lives under the bridge in the road.

I PLAYED GOLF AND RAN OUT OF GREEN

I played golf and I ran out of green,
7 holes left but, no money machine,
They'll be no caddy tip,
My beer tab I must skip,
I must sneak off of the golf course unseen.

STUBED BIG TOE HAIKU

Stubed big toe,pain,ouch!
Coffee table TV close,
Furniture makes move.

A LIMERICK ABOUT NOEL

Noel's breath smelled like his sweaty toes, 

And that was the very least of his woes,

His spaceships would never fly,

His car batteries would mostly die,

And no one made him noodles shaped like bows.

RUSS AND HIS GOLD TOOTH LIMERICK

Russ had a front tooth that was gold,
Russ would smile and display his tooth bold,
A thief punched Russ in the face,
The tooth fell out of place,
The thief took the tooth to be sold.

THE WIND BLEW DOWN ALL THE TREES

The wind blew down all the trees,
It brought big men down on their knees,
The great thunder popped,
The windstorm stopped,
Then you could walk where you pleased.

MORRIS THE GANGSTER HAD ONE PRETTY SHOE

Morris had a pretty shoe,

He had only one, but needed two,

So he planted his shoe deep,

Then two shoes he did reap,

And both Morris wears around with his crew.

LARD LOST HIS CHARD

It hailed upon my head so hard,

It made me puke up my Swiss chard,

They was diet greens

To untighten my jeans,

So I'd no longer have the moniker, "Lard".

BEWARE THE GNOMES

If you walk by a house with gnomes in the yard,
Then you'd better walk faster and be on your guard,
For gnomes have but one goal,
It is to steal your poor soul,
And, eat your flesh which they cook till it's chard.

A MARTIAN'S ADVICE FOR A LONG LIFE LIMERICK

A Martian landed on earth,
He had a gigantic girth,
He said, “Earthlings are so skinny,
That’s why your life spans are mini,
Martians live about one million years from birth."

I DID NOT FRECKLE WELL

I fear my face has been Dr. Jeckeled,
I went to bed with clear skin and woke up all freckled,
And, the great change in my face,
Has my friends on my case,
For all the rest of the day I was heckled.

THE PURPLE TEARDROP OF BLOOD

I bought a trinket to wear dangled downed,

It was a purple teardrop, at a rummage sale found,

But when I pierced it through my nose,

I got blood on my cloths,

Now I am hospital bound.

PETS NOT AND SNOT

The ground was all frosty, and Benny's nose filled with snot,

It was a day dear Benny, wished he had forgot,

For a big tired truck,

Hit Benny's pet duck,

For pets, Benny was now a have not.

A PANCAKE GRIDDLE NAMED FRED

There once was a pancake griddle named Fred,
Old Fred made pancakes from breakfast till bed,
Then, real late one spring afternoon,
Fred fell in love with a young batter spoon,
Soon the old griddle and the young spoon were wed.

MY TARDY PAYMENTS LIMERICK

My payments on my credit cardy,

Gain me late fees for I am often tardy,

And, though on debts I muse,

Still in the end just loose,

Just wish my paycheck was a bit more hardy.

 

I'D TILL THE PLACE UNDER IF MY TILLER HAD TINES

May is the month to rake needles from the pines,
In May my lawn fills with gross dandelions,
In May my garden fills with weeds,
When I plant the birds eat the seeds,
I'd till the place under if my tiller had tines.

GOT FIRED AGAIN HAIKU

Donut baker job,
I sampled often, boss mad,
No profits, No job.

Fast food, "order please",
Mix up order, wrong change, bad,
Rude guest, rude back, gone.

VICTOR WATCHED THE FIREFLIES LIMERICK

Victor watched the fireflies at night,
He was fascinated by their blinking light,
Victor was not one who thinks,
He just liked those blinky blinks,
Victor was himself, not very bright.

TADPOLES GOT TALENT

Tadpoles, tadpoles swimming in my deep, muddy ditch,

Soon you'll be a choir when, in puberty you'll find your pitch,

But at least all of you frogs,

Won't bark all night like dogs,

And if you're pretty and sound real nice, you might even become rich.

MY ASPARAGUS DITCH HARVEST

In farm ditches there doth dwell,
Wild asparagus to pick and sell,
But, one fine day,
Old farmer May,
Greeted me with rock-salt from hell.

BERT AND THE PAIL ALE

Bert went to pick up a plastic pail,
Bert had been drinking way too much ale,
Bert slipped and he fell,
Now all is not well,
Bert has a badly busted up tail.

Bert liked to keep his ale in a pail,
He bought 40oz bottles when they were on sale,
He'd drink beer like punch,
For breakfast and lunch,
By dinner he'd sing and regale.

FOUR WITCHES, A BROOM AND A BEAR

Four witches fight over a broom,

They each want to take it zoom, zoom,

Then, along comes this bear,

He grabs the broom, holds it in a dare,

Then, he rides it off into the sunset vroom, vroom. 

THE CURSE OF SPIDERS

In my trailer by the bay,
The menacing spiders won't go away,
The spiders bit upon my lip,
Upon my fingers, belly, hip,
The curse of spiders and I obey.

MY RICH UNCLE BOUGHT AN IMMORTALITY MACHINE

My rich uncle bought an immortality machine,
I am sure that he did so because he is mean,
My inheritance is gone,
And all my stuff I must pawn,
While my uncle lives forever it would seem.

FITTY WAS WITTY BUT NOT WITH HIS NUTS

There was a squirrel named Fitty,

His contemporaries thought he was witty,

But, he picked his nuts way too green,

His belly ached nasty and mean,

Instead of accolades, he only got pity.
 

THE SURVIVALIST POEM

I decided to be a survivalist,
So, I moved out to live under the stars,
But, there is just this tiny little twist,
I happen to be living on Mars,

The air on Mars is not so good,
And, there isn't much to eat,
And, good luck finding firewood,
A drop of water is a treat,

Perhaps I'll move to another place, 
To show I have a survivalist pattern,
I won't give up and show disgrace,
Instead, how challenging could be Saturn?  

MY OLD CAR I CANNOT TRUST

My old car I cannot trust,
The engine belches out green dust,
And when it's running you had better pray,
That it will stop somewhere, someway.

Many say it needs new brakes,
Maybe valves or air intakes,
My own concern is for the driver's door,
It is missing like the floor,

JIM'S ROTTEN POTATOES

The taters Jim raised have all become rotten,
He stored them last fall and they were forgotten,
He stored them under his bunk,
Where they stink like a skunk,
He still ate them and now he's gone trottin'.

IT'S NOT DANDRUFF IF IT'S MOVING

It's not dandruff if it is moving,

If back and forth the spots are grooving,

Best call for some pest extermination,

Or, your scalp will house a new generation,

While, poison resistance keeps improving.

DON'T MARRY A YETI OR YOU MAY END UP SPAGHETTI

Bob the lumberjack married Betty,

She was a Northern Canadian Yeti,

Although, Betty loved Bob from her heart,

She tore his torso apart, 

For meat to flavor spaghetti. 

DENISE AND BACON LIMERICKS

There was a girl named Denise,
Her favorite food was bacon grease,
As for the bacon,
She found it chewy and forsaken,
But the tasty aspects of grease gave her peace.

Denise loved her bacon grease it is true,
She liked to sniff it like model airplane glue,
With her sister's she'd wage war,
During breakfast and times more,
Denise loved bacon grease rancid or new.

MOLDS AND SPORES

My home is full of poisonous molds and spores,

The county condemned it and padlocked my doors,

So, I was moved to the coup,

The one with chickens and poop,

I guess it's cleaner to live on dirt floors.

MY PETS ARE NOT ACTIVE AND MY TEETER IS BROKE

My teeter-totter has a broken teeter,

My canary bird has a real horse tweeter,

My doggy won't dog,

He's asleep like a log,

While my kitty warms his paws on the heater.

THE ECLIPSE OF THE BLOODY RED MOON

I and my love were engaged, doing spoon,

When we were frightened by that bloody, red moon,

We both wet our britches,

Before we leaped into ditches,

Then the moon disappeared, none too soon.

MY PUPPY NAMED DUMPY LIMERICK

There was a puppy named Dumpy,
He got that name because his owner was grumpy,
But, Dumpy had a great disposition,
That got Dumpy an executive position,
The success of Dumpy made his owner real jumpy.

A LUNAR ECLIPSE LIMERICK

I once saw a lunar eclipse the moon,

The lunar was big, ugly like a baboon, 

He swallowed the moon whole,

Then scratched off a face mole,

Then he spit the moon out, half past noon.

AFTER THE PARADE

After the parade when the sparklers all fade,

And the tourists go home to their shacks,

Then around the campfire sits a marshmallow choir,

Singing songs of the lake monster's attacks,

Among the people up here, the lake monster they fear,

More than sharp points on some deadly dear racks,

And when that monster comes near the roar that you hear,

Will sound like ten thousand duck quacks,

But, alas the monster has never been clearly seen,

Some say he's brown, some say he's green,

Some say he's a fish with monstrous gills,

Some say he's a porcupine with carnivorous quills,

Of course, all I'm saying is the monster is mean,

All I'm saying is he eats meat and never soybean,

All I'm saying is stay away from the water at night,

For dark is his domain and may ours be filled with light.

HOW NOT TO CLEAN FISH

The fish in my pond had a stench,
I could smell them while I sat on my bench,
The nasty smell I couldn't cope,
I dumped in some soap,
My fish died so pardon my French.

 

ROW, ROW, ROW, ROW, ROW, ROW. ROW..YOUR BOAT

I went out on Lake Michigan and what did I find?

Rip, roaring waves and other weather unkind,

But with no motor to tote,

My little rowboat,

Was bounced off sharp rocks, didn't mind. 

TOE MONSTERS

Methinks there are monsters between my toes,

At least that's what I think there grows,

I hear growls and roars,

Sometimes belching and snores,

I'd venture with a finger, but fear the finger finds woes.

DU WHOOP LITTLE PONEY, DU WHOOP

Du whoop little pony, Du whoop,

The pigs next door eat and live in just sloop,

But, you get to eat hay,

And, in fresh straw you can lay,

By the way, while the pigs get old veggies you get the new crop.

MY VEGETABLE GARDEN FERTILIZER LIMERICK

My vegetable garden was never real green,
It was mostly brown from the beet to the bean,
But, I never got wiser,
Used the same fertilizer,
From the cat's litter box when I clean.

S'MORES IN THE DRAWERS

The drawer on my desk went real sticky,

So, it wouldn't open up on the quicky,

And, in those dark, sticky moors,

I kept my stuff to make s'moores,

My marshmallows became tacky-ticky.

SENTIMENTS FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT SLEEP

Why do people want to stone the witches?

Or, quarry bluegills that live in ditches?

Human behavior is so odd,

Does making it relevant require the rod,

And, everywhere we find the itches.

 

MONSTER RAT LIMERICK 1

I saw a big monster rat,
He's twice the size of my cat,
He scared off my dog,
Then slept like a log,
Thanks to my baseball bat.

TIME TRAVEL IS NOT SAFE LIMERICK

My time machine got stuck,
In 1863 in old Kentuck,
Between the Rebs and the Yanks,
They were firing on all flanks,
I was a tachyon master, all out of luck.

MOTHER SEES ALL SNEAKS HAIKU

Mother sees all sneaks,
Sneak candy, sneak out, sneak TV,
Happy Day, from sneaks.

Sneakers, joyful, fun,
Mother sees, caught, sneakers sad,
Mother, job well done.

Toad Master

It's Friday the 13th, and my pie is without mode,

The anti-angel angel upon waves of lava rode,

From the dark web depths, where he'd been writing code,

Came the anti-angel angel with the reward we all sowed,

He made us all low classmates, subservient to the toad.

THERE ONCE WAS A PEASANT NAMED BILL

There once was a peasant named Bill,
Finding pennies gave him a thrill,
He once found a dime,
But, it was only one time,
Finding pennies was his only skill.

I GOT A CALL FROM THE BANK LIMERICK

I got a most unpleasant call from the bank, 
My finances got torpedoed and sank,
When my checks all bounced twice,
I was penalized thrice,
I have my poor math education to thank.

THE HABOOB

A massive haboob slapped me in my naked face,

It knocked me around, and made sandy my whole place,

So I got me a vacuum with a big tube,

And I sucked up the big haboob,

Then I shook out haboob sand from my sheets and pillowcase.

TOILET FLOWERS

My outdoor toilet was all full of flowers,
They grew well after all the rain showers,
They were such a bouquet,
I just let them stay,

My toilet is artwork that towers.

TICKS ARE DRINKING MY BLOOD

I have ticks in my garden and they're drinking my blood,

The lack of blood makes me queasy and I fall down and go thud,

It's a mystery to me,

Why, the ticks attack me,

I go swimming so, I'm not covered with crud.

FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH THE LIMERICKS

It's Friday the 13th and all fear they'll be dead,

So, they start off the morning by wetting to bed,

For they are afraid of the creep,

Who'll give them grave sleep,

After the creep machetes off their pretty head.

THE MARTIAN LIMERICK

Martian, Martian from the sky,
How'd you Martians learn to fly,
We once tried space travel here,
But, 'cause of money and fear,
On Earth we're all going to die.

Martian, Martian you have traveled far,
While, we can't build a reliable car,
We can't stay in space,
We're a dumbing-down race,
Remember us when you reach your next star.

THE BIGGEST PICKLE IN THE JAR

I wanted the biggest pickle in the jar,
I gazed through the glass and soon found my star,
So, with my fork I went jar-fishin'
Catchin' the biggest pickle I was wishin'
After days I haven't captured it so far.

FRANKIE THE PIG

There was a pig named Frankie,
He ate pie, doughnuts and tarts,
The food made him smell real skanky,
He was a master of the farts,

Frankie never had a friend,
Except for a girl named Bell,
Frankie married her in the end,
It seems she had no sense of smell.

MY PATH TO GONDOLIER SCHOOL

I thought I'd try my hand at tennis,
But, after many fly balls I was labeled a menace,
I was ordered off the court,
To attempt a  new sport,
Now, I'm a  gondolier in old Venice.

ZOMBIE TREAT

There were nothing but zombies left on my street,
They were all looking for someone with big brains to eat,
But, because I don't dig they're groove,
I guess I'll just move,
And, not end up some zombie's lunch treat.

NANCY LOVES HER BITUMEN

Nancy loved her bitumen drive,
It was better than gravel and it kept her alive,
When the bitumen had a hole,
Nancy about lost her soul,
She missed a tree and a ditch to survive.
,

ME SLEEPS NOT WELL

Me sleeps not well rich with gas from dinner,

Though the fancy meats and sauces treat me as winner, 

Perhaps such treats as fancy meats,

Might portal my greed as sinner,

But alas, I have a greater penchant for bacon,

Which is the meat of the truly forsaken,

For hoofed meat on the grill,

Is sin ala thrill,

When caramelized beast flavors awaken.

WEREWOLVES AND VAMPIRES COME OUT IN THE DAY

Every full moon in the month of May,
The werewolves and vampires come out in the day,
But, in the daylight,
They will never fight,
They delight in the board games they play.

MY GOING NOWHERE VACATION

I stayed inside, I stayed inside,

I got so bored I cried and cried,

So, in the backyard I went,

I pitched a tent,

And, there I laid or lied?

BANGING IN THE WOODS, A HUNTER'S TAIL

Went out to the woods to bang me a beast,

I sat downwind, where he'd smell me the least,

He snuck up tippy toe,

He was near, I didn't know,

Out of me the beast made a feast.

I WISH MY SIBLINGS WOULD SHOWER

I wish my siblings would take a shower,

I told them good hygiene would gain them friends and power,

My siblings' response was that "no one can tell,

On social media how a friend just might smell,

Most imagine their friend smells like a flower."

MY RADISHES AND THE YUCKY TASTE OF WORMS

My radishes were all full of worms,
When I salted them the worms made squirms,
But, all went into my soup,
And, after slurping each scoop,
Worms taste yucky my pallet confirms.

I MISSED THE MOON AND GOT A MARCHING GOON

When young I thought it would happen soon,

That I'd be in a top office near the sun and the moon,

But, of course that is not so,

I've sank forty stories below, 

I'll soon be marched out the door by a goon.

I WENT OUT TO SEE THE SUPERMOON

I went out on my deck to see the supermoon,                         

But, the cloudy sky blocked the sight for me,

I wondered what hope have I the future to divine,

When, the big orb in the sky I can't see,

The supermoon, I guess it was there,

On others I'll rely on for that truth,

Most information I get from someone else,

That dependence I trace back to my youth.

TRAVEL CHANGE OF PLANS LIMERICK

I was planning to go to Minnesota,
But, the airlines had met their seat quota, 
Since that journey wouldn't hap,
I looked on a map,
And, flew to St. Paul North Dakota.

FRESH TUNA FROM THE BEACH

I go down to the beach to pick up tuna, 
I work under the light of old Luna,
And, although the tuna is rotten and dead,
They keep my family fed,
But, sometimes I must fight with a  raccoona.

I CREATED A MULTIVERSE WITHOUT EVEN TRYING

When I time travel the universe splits apart,

Into one that I've changed and one that's the same from my start,

So with this time travel curse,

I've created a multiverse,

This would really hurt my brain if I were smart.

MY SLED RAN OUT OF GAS

My sled ran right out of gas,
On a river in a pass,
The ice broke,
Then, steamy smoke,
And, I got wet full mass. 

THE BEARD BET

The bet was who could grow the longest beard,
The men would go thirty days until being sheared,
The bet was won by Kelly,
His beard stretched to his belly,
He wouldn't shave it since it was endeared.

Kelly bet his beard was the thickest,
It was true his beard grew the quickest,
But all were appalled,
His face was near bald,
His beard follicles were simply the sickest.

I WENT TO A SPACE STATION

I went to a space station to get some good rest,
But, they ran out of peanut butter, so I had to protest,
Then, they ran out of spaghetti,
That made me one angry yeti,
So, out the airlock they sent me as a pest.