MY PIG ROAST WAS TOAST

I'm afraid I can afford only toast,😒

To feed guests at my birthday pig roast,🎂🍖

I know toast is not in fashion,👚👠🛍👔👗👖👛👜👟👞👘🕶👒🎩👢

But I'll still toast it with passion,😍

I'll serve it dry or with some butter, at most.🙁

I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP

Some days I just have to get sleep,

So, my pretty face I can keep,

Everyone pines,

To lose facial lines,

And, late nights cause face lines to creep.

I CHEATED TO GO TO SCHOOL

I got into college but I had to cheat,

I loaded the dean's freezer with a ton of deer meat,

I gained lots of knowledge,

While in barber college,

And, the dean had plenty to eat. 

WHEN THE MASKED TROOPS CAME INTO MY TOWN

Masked troops marched into my town,

All decked out in camouflage brown,

They beat me in the head,

And left me for dead,

I lived but don't know my up from my down.

THE BLINKING ROSE

I wonder what the rose is thinking? 

While on the wall it rests while blinking,

Just what did it see?

Will it voice secrets on me?

 "Stay quiet rose or bath water you're drinking."

STRANGE RAINBOW

A strange rainbow went over the hill,

Night is breaking across my little vill,

I see the daylight conclude,

Pushy, the night asserts, rude,

I dream and lean on the sil.

THE MAN IN THE HIGH REEF

Once there was a reefer who lived out on the high reef,

Some said he was a hooligan, others said he was a thief,

One day he came to town,

And, paid with British crown,

He bought some tea and crumpets and stole a side of beef.

FOR FIVE DAYS I'M WEAK

For five days each week

It's survival money I seek,

For a store family elite,

The peasants I beat,

Selling tires I know will soon leak.

DON'T PIT SPIT IN MICHIGAN

I spit a pit that popped a zit on the neighbor's pitbull named Rhoda,

I spit a pit that made a hit on a policeman's cold Bubba soda,

From the dog, I got bit,

The policeman's eyes became red lit,

Now, I'm doing hard time in the prison in Oscoda.

SQUIRREL STATUE

My squirrel statue was worshiped from afar,

By my friends at my after work bar,

They didn't understand Karl Sagan,

Their minds turned more toward pagan,

Except for the designated driver of the car.

WHEN THINGS GO WRONG SET SAIL

When you have problems in life it's best to set sail,

Then, no one can chide you when the ocean's your trail,

So, you let others hold the bag,

And, they give you a bad tag,

Still, freedom is a just reward when you fail.

I KICKED THEM DOWN WHEN THE VIRUS CAME ROUND (EXCEPT FOR MOM)

I didn't want a virus to make me sicker,

So, I stayed indoors and played karate kicker,

I kicked sister, I kicked dad,

I kicked brother:  I done bad,

I couldn't kick mom cause she kicked quicker.

2×4 MAKES DREAMY WORLD FOR MY BLOG

I was nailing up a 2" ×4" when it fell and hit me on my knoggin,

 Then came dreamy world where I was ridding on my tobaggon,

My dream gravity is bent,

So, uphill my ride went,

My brain went  blank the rest of the day so, that's all I'll do for bloggon.

 

PARANOID PRESIDENT AND HIS DROID

The president of the paranoid,

Who think science is something to avoid,

The president is so annoyed,

For science is his hemmoroid,

Roid tissue removed by his V.P. droid.

BOSS, DOS AND WORKING AT A LOSS

I tolerate my workmates and my boss,

I tolerate my work tech based on MS DOS,

And, just like the other school teachers,
I tolerate the evil kid creatures,

I just wish my wages weren't a financial loss.

IF U FOLLOW A 🐴 2 WATER MAKE SURE U GET THERE 🏆

I followed a horse to water and then I took a drink,🏊

The water smelled of urine because the horse had made it stink,🐎👅

I looked both north and south,👆👇

No other water for my mouth,👄

The horse knew he had unnerved me for he gave me an eyewink.🐴

THE PROBLEM WITH STATUES

They made a statue of my cousin who was a political engineer,

He misbehaved but, got the roads paved all while drunk with beer,

Kids will now see the statue and ask,

What set my coz to stone?  What task?

Was it paved roads or, when he hit that poor mommy deer?

BANNED

My social media has all been banned,🚳

In this and every other land,🗼🗽🏝🏜

I say mean stuff too much,👹

I'm out of touch,🐨

Just another job where I've been canned.😒

THE NEW SOCIAL DISTANCE DISTANCE

So, the term"social distance" means the same as six feet,

From coach to fridge I walk a social distance just so I can eat,

Twenty social distances to get mail,

Eighteen to the garbage pail,

I think the "social distance" distance is really kind of neat.