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Leigh Collin Brandt

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Thursday, February 28, 2019

WHEN IS A WINNER NOT A WINNER?

Jenny won an automatic toaster,
Jim won a new oven-roaster,
Jeffy won a coat,
Jamie won a boat,
All I won was a stained paper coaster. 

AI MEANS COFFEE MAKER GOODBYE

I upgraded my coffee maker so it now has AI,
If the coffee tastes bad I can ask the coffee maker"why?"
Then, one sobering day,
My coffee maker ran away.
Moving in with another coffee drinker guy. 

I WONDER ABOUT FISH

I wonder what the fish are thinking?
And, because fish are in water are they always drinking?
I wonder if they speculate about the nature of land,
Or, have tried watching cable using "On Demand."
I wonder if fish can perceive that they're sinking?
Or, do their eyeballs get dirty because, they're never blinking?

TWO DRAGONS WALKED INTO A BAR

Two dragons walked into a bar,
They breathed fire and smelled like hot tar,
The smell was not appealing,
Then, they stuck their heads through the ceiling,
Just to make a wish upon their lucky star.

TWO STRAWBERRIES WALKED INTO A BAR

Two strawberries walked into a bar for some rye,
A man with a bag of rhubarb gave them the eye,
The man then rolled out some dough,
The strawberries did not want to go,
But, they ended up in a strawberry-rhubarb pie.

TWO PANCAKES RUE THIS DAY

Two pancakes walked into a bar,
They wanted to borrow a car,
They were tossed on a plate,
By a lumberjack ate,
With syrup from a fresh opened jar.

OLD FASHIONED YARD JARTS WITH THE LONG, POINTY SPEAR

I went to the third moon of OOh-OOh to play professional yard jarts,
It's played at nightfall, at least that's when the tournament starts,
Each jart has a fifteen foot spear,
Sharp enough to take down a big deer,
During tournament, you'd best look out for your parts. 

THE FEBRUARY BRIGHT LIGHT

On the last day of February I saw something yellow and bright,
Then, a voice beyond the grave said, "walk into the light,"
 The voice I didn't know,
But, I was ready to go,
Then, I got hit by a car now, it's night.

THE ZOMBIES

Zombies tend to snore a lot because they have no brains,
They attempt to fill the spaces sucking air with heaving pains,
 But, zombies do not snore all night,
To get brains they just need to bite,
Of course they cannot bite each other because that's what zombie law ordains,

Now, most zombies have lots of human friends,
And, the zombie decides when that friendship ends,
 The friendship ends mostly over lunch,
When the friend's skull gets a crunch,
Of course, once the friend's skull is crunched upon the friendship never mends.

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

TWO WOLVERINES WALKED INTO A BAR

Two wolverines walked into a hunter's bar,
They were looking for meat to vacuum pack in a jar,
Although, the hunters were many,
The wolverines didn't take any,
Saying the hunters smelled like old socks and cigar.

TWO DEER WALKED INTO A BAR

Two deer walked into a bar,
They wondered who owned the red car,
It had run down their bud Jack,
The driver didn't even look back,
The deer carried feathers and tar.

A FOOL AND HIS CAR ON THIN ICE ARE SOON PARTED

I drove my car out on the ice to do some tip up fishing,
Then, I found out that safe ice was just some foolish wishing,

Under my tires there was a "crack, crack,"
Then, I knew the lake was about to attack,
And, down went my car,
But, it didn't sink too far,
For it landed on another car's back. 

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

MY PITBULL THE RASCAL

My pitbull, The Rascal, he chewed off my arm,
Then, he carried it around like it was his lucky charm,
I refuse now to cook,
On account of my hook,
Rascal gets meals from the neighboring farm.

Monday, February 25, 2019

I DREAM NO SNOW BUT, WHAT WILL I REAP?

I dream of long, long ago,
When I was not buried in all this snow,
When the sun gave off a warm, golden glow,
And, heating my home didn't take all my dough,

 I long for the world when the weather was better,
I cursed those hot days now, I'm a regretter,
Those days I did not wear sweater upon sweater,
And, worry my kitty may freeze because he's a bed wetter.

So it goes as I am freezing,
And, every breath I tend toward wheezing,
With a bronchial cough and sinus sneezing,
I greatly fear the grim reaper is teasing.  


THE WINTER APOCALYPSE HAS WINNERS

In the post-winter apocalypse the snowmen win,
They don't have to worry about frozen dead skin,
The whirlwinds of ice and snow,
Only makes the snowmen grow,
The snowmen hunt for humans for a frozen snowman din.

BEWARE OF SPACEMEN WITH PYRAMIDS

A spaceman built a pyramid ship in the middle of my backyard,
Then, he told me to stay away from it and he posted a robot guard,
But, when the robot had to recharge I snuck inside the ship,
Inside I found a swimming pool and so I took a dip,
And, while I took a swim the spaceman stole my credit card. 

Sunday, February 24, 2019

A SNOW DAY IN MICHIGAN

The cold blowing air puts an ache in my teeth,
If my frostbite lasts much longer I'll get an R.I.P. wreath,
The cold, howling winds sing a song,
I think a dirge; I hope that I'm wrong,
Is my grave this snowdrift I'll soon be beneath?  

AN ANGEL PLAYING IN THE SNOW

I thought I saw an angel out playing in the snow,
Alas, it was just a neighbor trying to get his blower to blow,
I'd loan him my snow shovel,
But, the snow caved in my hovel,
Now, everything I ever owned was drifted down below.

WINTER LEGEND OF THE SUN

People talk about a hot star called the sun,
It's just a legend told to children for fun,
For the gale winds full of snow,
Is all that we know,
Winter is our season; only one.
 

BEDWETTER WHO HAD NO GIRLFRIEND

The judge said my teenage soul needed a revamp,
So, he sent me away to bandcamp,
I started dating this girl,
Till my bunkmates called me a squirrel,
Because I drank pop and my beding was damp.   

A VOLE IN THE HOLE

A little vole climbed into my ear hole and ate my brains like candy,
After the feast, that little beast relaxed with a fine glass of brandy,
As a brain lacking sinner,
I think only of dinner,
Although, for some reason all I eat seems quite sandy.

I COME DOWN WITH DISEASE

I went on a trip and come down with disease,
I cannot pronounce it with all the "Q"s and the "P"s,
With my ratio of lost weight,
I've confirmed an end date, 
Unless, the angels keep me going to tease.

TIGHT PAIN

Poor old Mitchel lacked in brights,
That's why he wore too tight his tights,
Fed to his brain,
Was constant pain,
Worse than his gig playing knights.  

A BACKWOODS HELLO

In the backwoods the language of gunfire go,
If a bullet hits you it means one thing; a miss means hello,
Don't bother to run,
For every cos has a gun, 
And, while in their crosshairs you'll be moving too slow.

WHY MARS INVADES

I didn't see it coming, that is, the invasion from Mars,
I was busy canning tomatoes in wide mouth mason jars,
The martian army was sent,
Because their king was quite bent,
On exporting my tomatoes on out to the stars.

Saturday, February 23, 2019

MY BANDCAMP DAYS WHEN I WAS 8 YEAR OLD

I went to band camp and got spanked on the rear,
It was because I didn't know Brahms'  birthday was near,
Then, I got a hot shower scaldi,
Because, I misinterpreted Vivaldi,
And, my Bach chamber music brought tear. 

I BUILT A CITY IN JUST 4 SQUARE FEET

I built a model city using only 4 square feet,
It even has a factory that makes drums for kids to beat,
And, of course it has a tiny train,
With a small airport for a plane,
And, through a window at city hall, sits the mayor in his seat.