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Leigh Collin Brandt

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Saturday, June 30, 2018

I'M PREPARED FOR THE END OF THE WORLD (EOW)

I've prepared for the end of the world,
My surrender flags I have unfurled,
I have quantities of stash,
Of root beer and corn hash,
And, a still complex that will leave my hair curled.


Sunday, June 24, 2018

YIPPEE, KY, YAY IN SPACE

I boarded my spacecraft with my dog Yippee who, eats pie, 
Then, right behind us was my little dogie Ky,
Yippee, Ky, Yah,
We all flew away,
Towards the stars and the wonders in the sky. 

Saturday, June 23, 2018

MICHIGAN THE MITTEN

While at the kitchen table sitin',
Methinks Michigan is just one big mitten, 
But, there's no fingers to count,
For a five finger discount,
So, I guess you'll get what you're gettin'.  



Friday, June 22, 2018

A LITTLE GORGON LIMERICK II

Little Gorgon turned to stone,
Everyone with a cell phone,
And, Gorgon was bold,
She turned some to gold,
If they ate an ice cream cone.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

THE GREAT SHELLED LIZARD IN SKEDGEMOG LAKE

The great shelled lizard in Skedgemog lake,
He's a snapping turtle they say,
The souls of swimmers and boaters he'll take,
While, on the bottom he lay,

You cannot out swim him,
Or, harm him with the longest knife,
For once that turtle sees you,
He will snap away your life,

So, rowing out beneath the moon,
Feeling safe in your little row boat,
You spot a monster swimming near,
And, a lump grows in your throat,

The monster veers towards you with open jaws,
Then, cuts in half your boat,
The monster cuts your belly with his claws,
Then, you struggle to stay afloat,

The monster comes towards you from below,
You can't see him but, you know he's there,
How to escape you do not know,
So, well thee will not fare,

Then, the brutal pain,
As he chomps upon your bones,
And, all that's on your brain,
Are your terrors, your screams, your moans,

Old Skeggy they call the creature,
The monster in Skedgemog Lake,
He is the lake's most famous feature,
Then, it's the rattlesnake yearly bake.









THE UNICORN DOWN UNDER

There was a unicorn who slept down under,
The big trees when he heard thunder,
He made a loud breeze,
When he cut his cheese,
And, the source of the loud noise made one wonder.
 

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

GOALS IN THE MIST

Everyone wakes up with the purpose "to do,"
Things done before and things that are new,
And, we all make a list,
Goals in the mist,
But, when counted our achievements are few.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

THE BAKER'S LIMITS

Four cakes are the most that I'll bake in a day,
I can bake twelve dozen donuts before I have to play,
I can knead ten loaves of bread,
Before my arms feel like lead,
And, with eight pastries I've filled up my display. 

Monday, June 18, 2018

THE BULGING DRIVEWAY

My concrete driveway is not at all flat,
In the middle it bulges up fat,
And, the ends are so thin,
About as thick as a pin,
They crumbled with just a foot pat.

Sunday, June 17, 2018

ODE TO THE FOOD CHAIN ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE ROAD

Over there on the far side of the road,
There's a fish, two crawdads, a snake and a toad,
The crawdads are in the fish's belly,
In the toad's guts the fish gets smelly,
And, the toad's in the snake's jaws went the ode.
 

Saturday, June 16, 2018

LIGHTNING AND THE TIN POST

I put in the steps so, downhill I wouldn't slide,
I dug some postholes along my steps outside,
I used cheap posts and rails made of tin,
Each costing less than a fin,
But, lightning made my rail greatly divide. 

Friday, June 15, 2018

OLD SKEGGY RETURNS

The great monster in Skedgemog Lake,
The souls of innocents he take,
He feeds on flesh and never cake,
Old Skeggy the monster in Skedgemog Lake,

He's a giant turtle; so spins the yarn,
A giant snapper bigger than a barn,
His tail is as long,
As a ride at the carn,

He slurps down rattle snakes like spaghetti,
And, fishermen too,
Though many have seen him,
Survivors are few,

So, come on up to Michigan,
To Skegemog Lake,
Just to see if Old Skeggy,
Is real or a fake,

But, do not believe,
Those who scoff in scoff tone,
Or, Old Skeggey might eat you,
From skin to the bone.

 

REMEMBERING MOM

Painting, pottery,
Rock garden, lily, iris,
My mom was once here.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

THE TYPEWRITER BLUES LIMERICK

I'd take a typewriter over a computer if I could choose,
A typewriter's a delicate instrument I hated to loose,
But, along came the tech,
So, I said what the heck,
Now, I pine for my typewriter with blues. 

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

PUP WELL DRAINED?

Mary was so ashamed,
Her puppy was not toilet trained,
The pup did know the score,
He did his job out the door,
But, came back in and was not fully drained.

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

A LITTLE GORGON LIMERICK

Little Gorgon turned to stone,
Every singing baritone,
And, every soprano,
Backed up by piano,
Sang like bangs on a xylophone.


Monday, June 11, 2018

THE VENISON MAN

I have venison in my freezer, 
I have venison on my grill,
I've dried venison,
I've canned venison,
I've powdered venison and made a pill,

I eat venison for breakfast,
I eat venison for lunch,
I eat venison for supper,
And, the funny meal called a brunch,

I give venison to my friends,
I give venison to people I hate,
I give venison away at Christmas,
I serve venison on a first date,

My life revolves around venison,
I spend all day hunting deer in the woods,
At night I peruse Lord Tennyson,
Snacking on venison mixed with dry goods.

ROUGH TETHERBALLER

If tether-ball were an Olympic sport,
Then on TV I'd be on report,
For I always win,
I'd kick tall guys in the shin,
The rest? I'd ply them with French port.   

Sunday, June 10, 2018

THE CUTWORM MADE ME EAT ICE CREAM

A cutworm cut off my tomato plants,
And, left the tops to wither and die,
Then, when I saw my dead tomato plants,
I began to cry and cry,

I planted those plants for a reason, 
To have tomatoes for my tomato soup,
Now, I'll have to just eat ice cream,
And, I don't have an ice cream scoop.    

Saturday, June 9, 2018

I MET THE BEARS IN ALASKA

I went to Alaska to meet with the bears,
I stood up beside them for lacking, were chairs,
But, they were up to no good,
They chased me into the wood,
I guess they thought all creatures with meat, were theirs.

MY BLUE SEA-HORSEY FRIEND

My blue sea-horsey was not true,
He was more gray than he was blue,
But, I gave no spanking,
With a friendship down-ranking,
Still, best friends no matter species nor hue. 

Friday, June 8, 2018

GATOR CHOICES

I wanted to retrieve a new red potato,
But, when I lunged downy my hand I drew up an alligator,
Now, the alligator was small,
But, my menu amounts was tall,
So, I changed my menu to chicken/tater.

WHAT I MADE IN POTTERY CLASS

I took a pottery class,
And, potted a 4 lb rockbass,
I glazed him dark green,
And, his glass eyes looked real mean,
If he sells I'll make more fish in mass.

Thursday, June 7, 2018

THE UNEMPLOYED SHEPPARD

There weren't many spots on that leopard,
That made me unemployed as a Sheppard,
For he slew all of my sheep,
Left me nothing to keep,
Just mutton I ate after I peppered. 

BRAIN PUDDING

I don't mind being called a Hypocrite,
I often say one thing then, do the opposite bit,
Ideas, my mind can't hold,
My brains are pudding I've been told,
But, I'm not the one having a fit.

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

DORKED AGAIN

My best pieces of ham he forked,
My most expensive wine he uncorked,
He ate the deviled eggs whole,
And, an entire cheese roll,
By my brother I was definitely dorked.

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

GUEST POPULATION CONTROL VIA DINO APPETITE

If you find that among upscale socialites you're not a winner,
Then, invite a tyrannosaur to dinner,
He might traumatize,
But, it would be no surprise,
If your guest population became thinner. 
 

THE FISH FURNITURE POEM

I make furniture from fish I catch out in the bay,
I make fish into end tables for my dollhouse made of clay,
I make fish into sofas, 
I make fish into chairs,
I make fish into bedroom sets,
For my dollhouse's upstairs,

If you're asking how I do it then, imagination you must lack,
I use some glue and scissors and lots of fast drying shellac.

Monday, June 4, 2018

ZELDA THREE BEAST

Zelda is the creature who I want to see the least,
Because, depending upon how I approach her she becomes a different beast,
From the front she is a tiger who will bite off all my face,
From the back she is a bear who will rip my guts out like fine lace,
From the sides she is a rattlesnake who will bite into my knee,
I think avoiding Zelda is the plan best laid out for me.

Sunday, June 3, 2018

TIME IN A THROTTLE

If I could put time in a throttle,
I'd set my spaceship to lightspeed and cruise,
At lightspeed I don't scare,
For I'm a tired old bear,
I'd go to the back of my spaceship and snooze.
  

TIKI TORCH AND THE BEAR

My tiki torch burned down real low,
Until it was just a tiki glow,
But, it made mad a big bear,
For the tiki fouled his clean air,
And bear claws gave my tiki such woe.

Saturday, June 2, 2018

THE GANGSTER AND THE BLUE SEA HORSEY

I got tied up with rope and thrown into the sea,
And, a 50 lb anchor was tied onto me,
While  to the bottom I went,
I reflected on life spent,
Finished, swimming with a blue sea horsey.  

Friday, June 1, 2018

MY FISHING LINE GOT CAUGHT UP IN A TREE

My fishing line got caught up in a tree,
I haven't done that since I was two or three,
My dad would retrieve the line with an ax,
But, now I will wane and not wax,
Indeed, A chainsaw works better for me.