RITA THE CHEETAH BITES ME THEN I YELL

I went to see Mr. Gooddell,
He lives in the zoo's big cat cell,
He has a pet there named Rita,
She's an African cheetah,
When she bites me, I'll let out a yell.

 

HANDLING A RATTLESNAKE BITE WHILE DRIVING

Sam drove down the road to deliver a keg,
When a rattlesnake crawled up his right leg,
A bite made Sam's eyes fill up with tears,
As he drove off the road with his keg of beers,

Of course there was a really terrible crash,
The snake crawled away leaving Sam's head in the dash,
Now, Sam was a hero at least some legends say,
For not one drop of beer was lost on that day,

Now all were happy that the keg was not lost,
Although, poor Sam paid a terrible cost,
So, when driving and up your leg crawls a rattlesnake,
Just ease up on the gas and tap down on the brake.

TAURUS ON THE GRILL

There once was a grill cook named Boris,
The only meat he would grill came from Taurus,
The steaks were so rare,
We'd get kind of a scare,
For we'd all swear the steaks charged right for us.

JERRY NEEDS SOME TEETH

Jerry lost all of his front teeth,
While playing on his trumpet,
Because each time Jerry tried to play,
The tuba guy would bump it,

Jerry lost his other teeth,
Because he ate so much candy,
Now he can't bite or chew his food,
He just swallows it with brandy,

Jerry really needs some teeth,
Because teeth are for more than play,
You never know when you might need them,
To scare the bears away.

WHERE ARE THE SHIPS IN MORTIMER BAY?

There was a pirates cove on Mortimer Bay,
Two pirate ships anchored there one foggy day,
Then, along came Captain Dodger,
Who spied the Jolly Roger,
The Queen's Captain wanted the pirates to pay.

There were three ships in Mortimer Bay,
The largest one sailed away,
The other two had a fight,
Then sank out of sight,
Amongst sand and shellfish they lay.

The large pirate ship on Mortimer Bay,
Ran off from the battle the Bay folks say,
It sailed out to sea,
It was battle free,
But, hit rocks and sank anyway.

A BEE EATING FROG NAMED BUGSY

There was a bee eating frog named Bugsy,
The bees thought that he was a thugsy,
Bugsy stuck out his tongue,
He got his tongue stung,
Now Bugsy the frog needs a hugsy.

NATILE HAD STINKY TOES

Natalie had a really small nose,
Even so, she could smell the in-between of her toes,
It was offensive, unclean,
The tainted smell was obscene,
So, she washed between them with a hot power-hose.

I FOUND A FROG IN MY O.J. TODAY

I found a frog in my O.J. today,

And, a worm in my cheese that sat on a tray,

My sandwich had bugs,

My soup was just full of slugs,

 Then, bed bugs swarmed everywhere that I lay.

I ONCE DROVE A BUS

I was stuck driving a bus full of obnoxious teens,

They had all filled up on cans of pork and baked beans,

We hit a bump in the road and that was that,

The windows blew out and the tires went flat,

And, the roof of the bus blasted upwards like a rocket,

I lost both eardrums and one eye from it's socket,

Now, I'm hearing impaired and just have one eye,

And, I won't drive one more bus until the day that I die. 

THE DAY OF THE JUNIPER

I walked along a shrubbery ledge,

Then, from my chest erupted a juniper wedge,

Being back stabbed by shrub wood,

Did not feel very good,

I had planed to remove the old juniper hedge.

I INVENTED TIME TRAVEL OR, HOW I'M GOING TO.LIVE FOREVER

I was sitting contemplating with great gloom,

The arrow of time pointed straight to my doom,

Then, it hit me like a rock,

If I had different times on each clock,

I'd time travel as I moved room to room.

MARY TRIED TO PLAY FRENCH HORN

Mary tried to play the French horn,
It sounded like she was eating corn,
She crunched and smacked,
Then coughed and hacked,
Her music career she should mourn.

BEETLE BUGS IN MY RUGS

I went to clean my kitchen rugs,
They were full of beetle bugs,
They were thrown out the door,
I went down to the store,
Bought new rugs infested with slugs.

THE CREEPS THAT MAKE ME BAWL

Winter bed bugs are creeping, crawling,

And, their itches are all enthralling, 

Then, there are the tiny mites,

Who, make you covered with their bites,

But, it's the head lice that cause my bawling.

CAVORTING AND RUBS

Docs told me my innards and outsides are crawling with bugs,

Because, I've been cavorting with strangers and giving them hugs,

So, they prescribed me some rubs,

Told me to steer clear of some pubs,

And, it wouldn't hurt if I deep cleaned my bedding and rugs.

LIGHTNING STRUCK THE OUTHOUSE LIMERICK

Down at the outhouse the lightning struck true,

It vented the outhouse and disinfected it too,

But, it had been occupied,

And, the occupant sighed,

"That lightning has been very rude."

HANK PLAYED U-BOAT IN HIS DINGY

Hank was surprised that his old dingy would float,

He had used it as a barn for his pygmy pet goat,

But, when the Hankster jumped in,

He saw a hole in the tin,

So, Hank ended up playing U-boat.

 

THE WHY I DON'T EAT FRESH STUFF LIMERICKS

I BOUGHT A PEAR
Rob bought a pear with a real big bad spot,
When he bit into it it was all full of rot,
Rob ate the pear to the core,
Then, His innards got soar,
And, He spent the rest of the day on the pot.

 IMAGINATION AND DIET  
I ate nothing but veggies at every meal,
Although such flavors lack all appeal,
So, I imagined I was eating steak,
Followed by frosted cream cheese cake,
And, I gained 50 pounds, what's the deal?

 

ODE TO FRANK THE SEA HORSE LIMERICK

I had a sea horsey named Frank,
He swam around in my fish tank,
I gave him some beer,
Now Frank is not here,
He drank the beer and then sank.

Frank was a seahorse that swam all day,
He din't work so he received no pay,
He got real mean,
Attacked the bubble machine,
Now on the bottom of the tank Frank lay.

THE ROW BOAT PLUG POEM

There was quest to find a plug,
To stop my little row boat from leaking,
But, my plug was made of cork and floated away,
For other holes it went a seeking,

Now I sit in my boat at the bottom of the bay,
Looking up through the water at the skies above,
I wish I had taken that swimming class offered last may,
Then, I would be home with my kitty cat love.

THE BOYS OF HUMMER

The Boys of Hummer was a male humming choir,

They entertained when the need was dire,

When a wedding or parade came along,

They would hum us an old song,

Then, they got old and had to retire.

HARVEY THE LEPRECHAUN POEM

Harvey was a Leprechaun,
He dressed in royal purple, not green,
He thought that he was royalty,
A distant cousin of the queen,

Harvey claimed a castle for his noble self,
He had a genetic test done to claim it,
But, the test proved Harvey was not a royal heir,
His cause had become a lame bit,

Now Harvey’s dress is all in green,
And, believes he is a very great singer,
Although, he sings off key, his tone unclean,
He thinks that with Mario Lanza he’s a dead ringer.

HEAD LICE PAIN LIMERICK

The little head lice cause me pain,
They dig into my brain,
Though loud I shout,
They won't come out,
Until they've driven me insane.

I DISCOVERED MERCURY

I thought I found a pint of old gin,

So, I emptied the contents of sin,

My skin turned real gray,

Then, I passed away,

For, it was mercury that was stored within.💀

81421

WE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO CRYSTAL LAKE ON FRIDAY THE 13TH

On Friday the 13th we went skinny dipping at Lake Meade,

"Our folks should never know", is what we all agreed,

But, along  comes this dude, Jason,

With a hockey mask face on,

With a sharp machete that made our necks all start to bleed.

MY EARLY RETIREMENT

I studied quantum mechanics and it made me insane,

Because, I do not have a very big brain,

Now, I sit in the backyard all day,

Watching red squirrels play,

Even that makes my forehead throb, pain.

BEWARE THE LEFTOVER MAYONNAISE

The leftover mayonnaise do not take,
Bob did and got a belly ache,
To avoid a dire fate,
Read the expiration date,
Or, like Bob you'll vomit a green slime-lake.

THE TENT WORM LIMERICK

I had a tent worm on my knee,
I lifted him gently and set him free,
I thought a friend I made in he,
Instead he ate my apple tree,

Tent worm, tent worm you're so mean,
You've ate up everything that's green,
My fruit trees all look stark and clean,
This will make my winter lean.

LEAVES, TRASH AND MY SECRET STASH

The wind has blown away the leaves and trash,

That hid from all my mushroom stash,

The seeds have now dropped,

So, I'll pick the mushrooms that popped,

Then, hide the spot before a neighborhood dash.

MASTER OF THE ANT WARDROBE

I was the only maker of six-legged pants,

So, I owned the valley of the ants, 

To avoid a wardrobe disaster,

The ants made me their master,

And, my design for gym shorts has drawn rants. 

SPELLING AND BEER

My spelleng is note berry gud,

I spel bad cause I ama crud,

But, in won spelleng be,

I spelled "Meticulously,"

Celebrating, I got hooked on the sud.

LEPRECHANS NAMED SARAH AND JANE

I knew a leprechaun named Sarah,
She lived in the attic of her aunt Clara,
Oatmeal cookies she sold,
Made a big pot of gold,
So, she bought a diamond tiara .

There was a leprechaun named Jane,
She moved from Dublin to Southern Spain,
She sold sports cars,
Saved gold in quart jars,
And, made rainbows after each rain.

RECIPE POEM ABOUT FRYING GREEN TOMATOES

POEM RECIPE FOR FRIED GREEN TOMATOES
I make fried green tomatoes,
Sometimes with friend potatoes,
I slice them thick or thin,
Different tastes for different kin,

I dip them in the egg,
I dip them in the flour,
I turn on the stove,
I crank up the power,

When puffed up and golden browned,
That’s the best taste I have found,
There’s nothing better on Puget Sound,
Than fried green tomatoes all around.

I GOT THE ROOF LEAKING FLOOR CAVE IN BLUES

The rainstorm made my roof leak and, it leaked a lot,

The rain filled up every plastic bowl I had and, every cooking pot,

So, the rain then really soaked my floor,

The floor caved in and what's more,

I called my insurance agent and rain coverage I have not.

BASEMENT PARTY OR LAWN JARTS

No one would party with Marty,

Because his basement always smelled farty,

So, Marty spiffed up the air, 

Put on clean underwear,

Still, all stayed outside playing lawn jarty.

PRESERVES IN THE DEEP

I lost all of my strawberry preserves,

In the car crash where I missed the swerves,

On the last swerve to make,

I didn't see the lake,

Now, fish have what my toast deserves.

I BOUGHT LARGER BLUE JEANS

In order to feel thinner I bought larger blue jeans,
I went out to dance at all the popular scenes,
But, when I danced around,
My jeans slipped off to the ground,
I guess humility is something one weans.

MY GRITTY EGGS

My scrambled eggs ain't pretty,

They are mostly grits and gritty,

When you barf, you'll have my pity,

Then, you'll complain on Face and Twitty,

As to my cooking, you'll be quitty.

IT CAME TO THE FAIR

I was manning a fair booth way, way late at night,

I was all alone, there were no peoples in sight,

BAM!!! a great lightning strike,

And, the lights take a hike,

Then, in steps a werewolf and, he knew what to bite.

WHEN DADDY AND MOMMY ARE KISSY KISSING

They were spooning, making out, first basing,

Out in public and, it was disgracing,

It was my mum and dad,

And, they were making me mad,

Their lovy-dove, for my street cred, was defacing. 

TITLE ME THIS

I am a titleist and my writing just stinks,

But, I write really great titles so, I'm added to links,

Then, when my writings are read,

No one knows what I've said,

And, the excitement for my title just sinks.

ANOTHER URBAN FAIR BOOTH STORY

I went to the Fair to work in a booth,

Got attacked by a mare that kicked out my tooth,

Then, a sow ate my toes,

A goat bit off my nose,

I swear to you all, that's the truth.