SPEEDY

It was often, almost never said,

That anyone worked as slow as our Fred,

He worked so slow,

Didn't start or go,

But he'd smile, when he drank and got fed.

I LOVED MY BIRDIE

I loved my birdie, more than I loved my mommy named Flo, 

Mommy left his cage door open, and out birdie did go,

He flew fast and away,

Where he went, I can't say,

I was so.mad at mommy, I told my daddy named Beau. 

A HARD, HARD GUMMY, IS NOT A GOOD YUMMY

It was partly in the local news,

That batch of gummies, no good for chews,

Gummies hard as steel,

Not tender like veal,

Why so hard? No one has clues.

THE SAD, BILLIONAIRE TOAD

Leon's rockets would almost always explode,

Because he didn't understand physics and weight load,

Many laughed and saw funny,

But Leon's eyeballs got runny,

People were mean to the billionaire toad.

MY PEACOCK CAME FROM MARS II

My pet peacock believes that he comes from Mars,
I think he spends too much time in bars,
He staggers home late at night,
Unable to gain flight,
Somehow, he isn’t hit by any cars. 

MY BAD ROOMMATES

I used to have some really decent digs,
Then, my roommates moved in and they were pigs,
The bathroom was obscene,
Yet, they still were unclean,
And, from my gin bottle they took constant swigs.

THE 200 VLOGGERS

200 vloggers went to the video store,

They bought video cameras, that kind of stuff and more,

Then, they all went to dine,

And, drank fancy, fruity wine,

Next, the 200 vloggers, for viewers, went to war.

SUNTAN WITH A CRAYON

No matter what poor Karen couldn't tan,
So, she tried drawing one on with a crayon,
She couldn't get the right hue,
So, she just crayoned herself blue,
Now, she matches the color of her minivan.

THE WHERE DO TUNA FISH COME FROM LIMERICK

There was a small sunfish named Ray,
He lived way out in the great bay,
He fell in love with a blue whale,
Named Darlene Abigail,
And that's where tuna fish come from, they say.

MY CANTANKEROUS BAT

I have a cantankerous bat,
He thinks he's special but, he just ain't all that,
He gave me a chronic case of scabies,
With an acute case of rabies,
And, he pees on my good stocking hat.

JAMIE IS A BAD RED SQUIRREL

Jamie was a red squirrel, who had a mind of cut-throat reason,

Jamie's mind decided that with the fox he'd commit some treason,

So for a nut total of just eight,

Jamie opened the squirrel gate,

The fox got enough squirrel meat to last him the winter season.

BOB'S POOR CAREER CHOICE

Bob works as a cardboard box bailer,

They bail the boxes from parks called trailer,

Bob bores, bailing box after box,

Worse than caffeine detox,

Wished he'd had the frank to become a mercantile sailor.

I VISITED MY NEIGHBORS DOWNSTAIRS

There was a clog in my kitchen sink drain,
While under my sink the pipes leaked stinky rain,
Then, my floorboards got soft,
And, I plunged down from my loft,
To visit neighbors who asked me to explain.

DULLES SMARTS ALONE

Dulles had an IQ over 180,

He could never find a best matey,

Humans would kiss and squirm,

Like a non-tactical worm,

Like the ones Dulles used for fish-baitey.

U ARE WHAT U EAT

I eat so many chippers and kippers,

I'm growing roots and a nice set of flippers,

Chips and kips is all I eat,

Never touch red/white meat,

Or beans that give folks smelly rippers.  

WHEN THE OCEANS BOILED AWAY LIMERICK

The oceans all boiled away,

Where they went no one can say,

A world that's hotter, 

Without any water,

Is a place I'm not going to stay.

BARRY WAS SO SKINNY THAT HE LOVED THE EXTREME HEAT

Barry was really young and very skinny,

So to him, the extreme heat was a winny,

His parents would whine,

But, Barry felt extra fine,

Until, while swimming a shark bit off his finny.

I JUST WANTED TO UNLOAD MY FISH CATCH AT THE QUAY

I wanted to unload my fish catch up at the quay,
But the harbor master said I should stay far away,
He said my fish were stinking up the town,
My boat should be sunk down,
And that’s where my fish catch should stay.

THE BALLAD OF RICHIE AVOID

With Richie, I am quite annoyed,

For where I locate, he will avoid,

He has someone brand new,

So I'm sad, boohoo blue,

When crossing paths, he treats me like a roid.

ADULT BEANS, OR SUBMARINES

I was growing some big people's beans,

They grow four inches long, off their greens,

They are hard as oak wood,

If you can chew them, they're good,

If you can't, use them for toy submarines.

BOB PLAYED WITH SKUNKS, A CAUTIONARY TALE

Bob went to Newberry to see his cousin's skunk babies,

They were cute little stinkers, but they gave Bob the scabies,

Mange in his underwear,

And, a cute skunk called Pierre,

Bit Bob on the bum;  Bob needed shots for the rabies. 

LEON MADE A BAD CHOICE FOR HIS SNACK

Leon the toad was hanging out with his guys,

They were eating crawling bugs and small flying flies,

Leon sucked down a bee,

The bee attacked internally,

Leon needed surgery after his bee popper surprise.

PAINTING MISHY-MASH

I painted my black and white cat,
He was playing with a squeaky-toy rat,
I sold the painting for big cash,
So, I'm painting more mishy-mash,
I'm living off those with a  wallet that's fat.

72623

ICHY, STICKY, YICKY FLOOR

I decided to sweep the floor,

It had never been done before,

But, the floor was so sticky,

My broom got all ichy,

So, I ruged the place from door to door.  

TOAD GOES DIVING, AFTER THE NIGHTCLUB

The bouncer wouldn't let the toad into the club,

The all dressed up toad, felt deep hurt from the snub,

Toad got into his car,

Drove down to the dive bar,

Toad was treated with care, even got a foot rub.

THE INFESTED

My refrigerator is infested with the bug called, the flea,

When I open the refridge door, they jump out all over me,

Now I itch and scratch, scratch,

Still, more fleas on me hatch, hatch,

And, I'm coughing up some worms; won't Mother Nature leave me be.

WHY ZOMBIES CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS

Zombies complain that they don't have nice stuff

Of course, Zombies tend to live in the ruff,

They have no schooling,

Always leaking and drooling,

They stagger and crash, acting real tough.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH A WEREWOLF, IT'S COMPLICATED

Werewolves are never any fun,

They just eat you, and leave you, they're done,

For a true love, a friend,

Wouldn't consume you in the end,

Then off to another they run.

I HAPPIED UP MY HONEY WHEN I SOLD MY ART OF AWE

I made a tapestry of flowers laying on some straw,

Everyone who saw it, had a gaping jaw of awe, 

I sold the tapestry for money,

I shared the proceeds with my honey,

My honey bought a big pet bird that went, "caw caw, caw, caw, caw".

TP AND HARD TIMES

I confiscated the contraband I found in my yard,

It was 2 years worth of wet toilet paper I didn't discard,

I dried it out with gas heat,

And, I saved every sheet,

I try to find any savings, times are hard.

TOOKEY TELLS ALL

There once was a mouse named Tookey,

She stole while no one would lookey,

She once stole a hair dryer,

And, an outdoor turkey fryer,

She retired to write a mouse self-help bookey.

BOBBY UNINVITRD

The bears threw a New Year's party, but Bob was not invited,

Last time he got stinking drunk, and the toilet, he blighted,

After those puke filled nights,

Donny got no invites,

A bar in Big Rapids is where Bobby was last sighted.

THE ARTIST WITH MOOD

Hannibal came from Hamtramck,
His paintings are moody, dynamic,
He's been spray painting clowns,
All angry with frowns,
He stopped taking his meds now he's manic.

ZOMBIES LIKE A NICE DINNER

I went to a restaurant to eat bacon and eggs,

They said the only protein they served, walked on two legs,

It was a zombie cuisine,

Special was brains wrapped with spleen,

And a shot of blood vodka was served free to the regs.

THE TWO WORD LANGUAGE

I don't speak good German, and my French is even worse,

When I try speaking Latin, I get called disgusting and perverse,  

But the language I speak good,

Is my local neighborhood,

There we speak just two words, that are a universal curse.  

Tooth Truth

For teeth, there was once was a tube of paste,

It was never touched, and went to waste,

Soon no one had teeth,

They just gumed on their beef, 

It seems not flushing and brushing was decided in haste.

NUBINS FROM SPACE

There are little cuties called "Nubins", who fell out of the sky,

Interplanetary invaders, who make you laugh till you die,

They're always passing gas, from low places,

Brimming big, smiley faces,

Then suddenly, you feel really high.

ELI CONDUCTS THE BAND LIMERICK

Eli tried to conduct the band,
He couldn’t read music and soon got canned,
So he took a music course,
Learned the power of the force,
During his ovations, the audience will stand.

DOCTOR

My doctor said, doctors once cured people by making them bleed,

I replied that modern doctors make people bleed, because of greed,

My doctor didn't look happy,

And he gave me a face slappy,

Then he billed me for the slap; said that therapy, I need.

THE RED POP SNORE

My legs are real sore,

Circulation is poor,

I drink just red pop,

For health reasons should stop,

Because at night the red pop makes me snore.

SHARE BUNS WITH YOUR FRIENDS, OR YOU WON'T HAVE ANY

He set his bun upon his left knee,

Upon his right, he set his tea,

From his left jacket pocket, he pulled some ham,

From his right pocket, he pulled a spoon, jar and jam,

He made a jam, ham, bun sandwich, he didn't share with me,

Last time I invite that guy over for tea.

I FOUND A BLUE PLANET IN GALAXY NINE

I found a blue planet in Galaxy Nine,
But, my landing on it, I had to decline,
The planet was surrounded by roids,
With few in-between voids,
And my navigation was influenced by wine.

LOST HEAD WHILE PICKING MARY'S CHERRIES

I went out to pick the fruit of cherry,

When I crossed paths with Bloody Mary,

She had an ax,

Took a head tax,

My headless bod, she bothered not to bury.

THREE LITTLE GRAY MICE LIMERICK

There once were three little gray mice,
They tunneled deep beneath the ice,
They ran into a red fox,
Who liked mice with his lox,
He served them in a side dish with rice.

MY TOAD WILLIE DID NOT MAKE CHILI

I found a huge frozen toad on the street,

I thought I'd finally have something to eat,

I named my frozen toad Willie,

Went to stew him in chili,

He hopped off before I could move my feet.

MOON LOVER

Everyone is desperate to move to the moon,

But there's no air to breath; no place to spoon,

It's hard to get water,

To drink and flush potter,

And moon cottage pottage, won't smell like perfume.

DON'T DRINK THE WATER ON MARS

Dan went to visit the pyramids of mars on vacation,

It was a hot dry place, that alien nation,

As the day got even hotter,

Dan just had to drink the water,

Whoops, there were only pay toilets at the space station.

 

POINTY FINGERS MISSED TEDDY BEAR

Pointy Fingers shoved his finger way up inside his nose,

Then he started bleeding from his nose, upon his cloths,

Pointy Fingers really did not care,

He just wanted to go home to Teddy Bear,

But mommy washed his face with the cold water from the hose.

THE BADGER AND THE WOLVERINE DID NOT PLAY SO WELL

The badger and the wolverine did not play very well,

I had to scold them both, and make them lie down for a spell,

But, why should my scolds be of care?

Well,  I'm a great big polar bear,

And, I can clean anybody's clock or ring-a-ding their bell.

MY FISH HAS A COATING

I like catching my fish dinner on my boat,

But, to clean the fish I need be remote,

So, instead of eating fish from my boating,

I buy cleaned fish with a coating,  

And, fry my fish in hot grease till they float.

GERBIL JONES AND DRONES

I have a little pet, named Gerbil Jones,

I let him chew on all the chicken bones,

When he turned five and twenty,

I figured I fed him plenty,

Now he delivers packages, by flying delivery drones.

PRAWNS

I love to eat tasty, butter fried prawns,

I eat a big plate when the sun makes new dawns,

It's my breakfast meal,

With fish smelly appeal,

I chew them as I window watch, doe deer with their fawns.

MY NAME IS DISMAL THE CLOWN

My fortunes were dismally down,

So I went to see the royal crown,

Because I protested,

I was arrested,

And sentenced to dress as a clown.

CAN I FRY FISH?

On my fishing trip I forgot my frying pan,

So, off to the store I quickly ran,

But, at the nearby store called Corn Cobs,

They had only sticks for kabobs,

So, I fried my fish in an old coffee can.

BEN WENT OUT HUNTING DEER

Ben went out hunting for deer,

He just had a sharp stick for a spear,

Ben found a ten point buck,

But Ben had no luck,

His spear failed, and he got pierced in his ear. 

JIMMY THE SPUD

Jimmy was a belligerent spud; in the fields he became a dictato,

He promised spuds glory and land, by taking lands from the tomato,

The tomatoes rolled away,

And just like Jimmy say,

There was more land for the Klan of Potato. 

REINCARNATION, PUTS THE UNIVERSE RIGHT

I have a pet protozoa named Drudge,

He once was a powerful judge,

But Drudge was so corrupt,

His term ended, abrupt,

Now he's a microbe living in small smudge.

THE GNOME RIND AND DINED

I went deep into the forest and what the heck did I find?

A fat little gnome chewing on a watermelon rind,

The watermelon was of course stolen,

But it was already in the gnome's colon,

I ordered him to pay for it, but the gnome, he declined.

TOUGH TIMES

When the groceries get gone and times get really hard,

Sometimes you eat supper from things found in the yard,

Sometimes you skip meat,

If there's no bugs to eat,

Sometimes you eat bark, if it's thin like a card.

SOMEONE ATE MY CHICKENS LIMERICK

Someone ate all of my chickens last night,
The only trace found were feathers, all white,
It must be the bear,
He left his tracks there,
And, he gave my truck tires a bite.  

TERRY AND THE BLUE BALLS

Terry bought some pretty blue balls to play the four square game,

Terry thought his pretty blue balls, would bring his game some fame,

But when each ball got a smack,

Each burst and became a sack,

Now Terry and his four square game are looking pretty lame.

TOO HOT TO IGNORE MY POT

If only it wasn't so hot,

That I have to water my pot,

In my pot I grow greens,

That I mix with my beans,

And that's what I eat on, a lot.

THE COLLEGE DEBT LIMERICK

Jimmy thought education was the thing,
To fill his pockets up with bling,
But, it was the wrong bet,
Now he's mired in debt,
On street corners for quarters he'll sing.

THE BLACK BEAR POEM

Yesterday I had a scare,
I ran into a big black bear,
He was 500 lbs of brawny muscle,
I didn't feel so well after our tussle,
But, my bones will mend and my scars will heal,
The best thing of all is I was not a meal.

THE LITTLE BEE NAMED BARRY LIMERICK

There was a little bee named Barry,
He couldn’t get a girlfriend ‘cause his legs were hairy,
So he tried to groom,
Shaved his legs zoom, zoom,
But, now his legs look ten times as scary.

I BUILT MY OWN HOME

Some people build themselves a beautiful home,

Sometimes with a straight roof, sometimes with a dome,

Well, I gave it a whack,

I built me a shack,

Some call it a dump, and that is my poem.

MANY PEOPLE SAY

Many people say there are ogres behind the trees,
Some people say that Martians buzz like bees,
I hear that people say that chickens don't have knees,
I've heard a lot of people say that Santa water skis,
But, I think that people say things because they like to tease.

THE TWO WHACK JOBS GOT MARRIED

Dave was what you would call, extremely mecurial,

For ladies, he was not parental material,

Dave carried reject pain,

In his unsettled brain,

Then married capricious 3rd cousin, Merial.   

MY SWEATY CORNET

It seemed like for my old cornet, all the notes did melt,

For steaming hot was parade day, and that my cornet felt,

My lips got drip, dry parched, 

The notes got damaged as we marched,

When the parade was finally done, I had a root beer belt.

THE REBELLION OF THE RASPBERRIES

My raspberries needed more care,

But I hadn't the water to spare,

So they all got real grumpy,

And surrounded my dumpy,

And demanded that my water, I share.

THE PIE-FILLING GUT-GAS OF STEVE

Stevie liked his pastries full of pie-filling,
He'd eat them all day if his belly was willing,
But, he never did think,
The pie filling could stink,
When the gas in his guts was just killing.

THE AMPERSAND LIMERICK

Teacher told me I couldn't use the ampersand (& ),

He said in his class, that symbol was banned,

Well it just is not fair,

Just because teach lost his hair,

That the poor little ampersand is canned.

I HAVE BEEN ENSLAVED BY PLANTS FROM ANOTHER WORLD, LIMERICK

There are alien flowers growing behind my shack,

I don't talk to them because they holler back,

They are very demanding,

In fact, downright commanding

I do what they say, because I'm afraid they'll attack.

DRIED DILL DOWN THE HILL

It rained so very much, that mud went sliding on down the hill,

Along with my shack, and dozens of dried bundles of dill,

It was a disaster, complete

I had no place for my seat,

And the neighbor association, sent me a moving bill.

I PRACTICED THE HARP WHILE WAITING

There was a nail named Mr. Green,

One scratch from him and I got gangrene,

My toe nails are so sharp,

They could pic play my harp,

While I was in the world of in between.

CHRISTMAS IN JULY

It was getting so hot, it made me psycho in the mind,

So I pretended it was Christmas, so I could unwind,

I saw the sky drop snow,

I watched the layers grow,

Then suddenly I wondered, if my snow shovel I could find.

KIM AND THE KILLER WHALE

There was an orca in the community pool,

I didn't hop in because I've never been a fool,

But my best friend, Kim

Went in for a swim,

They both teased me for being scarred, and that was cruel.

BIKING, TRIKING AND HIKING

I can no longer balance on a bike,

That's why I bought myself a trike,

But, the trike was too small,

Or, I'm just too tall,

To stop knees in my face I must hike. 

AI GAVE ME FAT THIGHS

I ordered from an AI, my dinner online,

The AI took my order and I thought all was fine,

I ordered chicken and fries,

Got pancakes and fried thighs,

I think the AI should stop sampling the wine.

WASPS DON'T THINK SIN, WHEN THEIR PEELING SKIN

Giant wasps are on their way, to peel away our human skins,

Each wasp delights in our screams, while they make those bug face grins,

Big shots say the bugs will freeze,

It don't help us, that hope filled tease,

I think we should be setting traps; maybe use some tuna tins..

I DIDN'T KNOW. THERE WAS A CRAPIER JOB, UNTIL AI TOOK IT AWAY

I was a limericks writer, paid in rubles, plus it was a hob,

Now Artificial intelligence, has taken away my job,

I pick up bottles in ditches,

Get stained and muddy britches,

Just so I get to eat, because I'm now an unemployed slob.

MONTREAL VACATION

I went to Montreal to see the buildings and the beautiful sites,

But I had trouble speaking French, because I lack some brights,

At restaurants, I felt despair,

For food and drink, I had just air,

Next time I go to Montreal, with an interpreter I'll get the tights. 

CUNNING ABSALOM

Poor little Absalom, did not see the big hawk coming,

Absalom was a little mouse, and not so fast at running,

When the hawk grabbed Absalom's tale,

Absalom let out such a a wail, 

The hark dropped Absalom, which showed Absalom was cunning.

HEAD-KNOCKER SUNDIAL

Don gave his head a really bad knock,
When he fell into a sundial clock,
By the time Don's thinking had cleared,
Don had a long beard,
And, the sundial weathered down to a rock. 

DEATH OF THE CLOCK AND THE RISE OF THE WATCH

My wall-clock fell on my desk and broke,
No reviving, it suffered a terminal stroke,
Oh, what should I do,
When I need time that's true,
I bought a gold watch from a street-corner bloke.

Wind Blows Clunker Down

When the tornado came toward my bunker,

Down inside I chose to hunker,

With my dog named Dee,

And my cat named Lee,

The bunker survived by not my old clunker.

THE SUN GETS US OUT

Glorious sun warms my arthritic soul,

Let us celebrate with a full salad bowl,

Or, do a picnic when we eat,

Reserve sunshine for our treat,

Yes, the sun will get us out of this hole.

THE SAGA OF BEEP

My name is Beep,🐒

I like to sleep,💤

I don't think to deep,💩

No pressure I keep,🍩🍨

My brother's a creep,🐍

My sister's a peep,🐣

I go to school driving my old man's Jeep.🚙

GARGOYLES GOT TALENT

I followed some tire marks in the sand,

They led to a gargoyle band,

The one named Sweet Hilda,

Sang Waltzing Matilda,

While the others laid back and got tanned.

MY BREATH SMELLS LIKE MINTY MUNG BEANS

Canadian smoke fills my mouth and lungs,

It's tastes unpleasant, when trading tongues,

Each Canadian smoke shower,

Makes Honey taste bitter-sour,

I try to improve my breath, by chewing mint and mungs.

There's Always Something Out To Get Me

I had a mosquito contact,

It gave me a a malaria contract,

Felt very sick,

Went to hospital, real quick,

Malaria is spreading, fun fact? Not!

HEATWAVE 2023

It got so very hot, even my little pansies died,

The last live flowers in my garden, and I cried, and cried, 

Now only plastic flowers, I grow,

My lawn is astro turf; pretend to mow,

The only real plants I'll see again are ones that someone dried.

WHEN BRINE SHRIMP ATTACK

My tank full of guppies was completely unease,

So I bought some brine shrimp, to try to please,

One brine shrimp grew bigger,

Ate my fish and cat, Trigger,

I now beg him for mercy, while down on my knees.

FLAT EARTH SCIENCE

My new science book, says the earth is actually flat,

And that if I walk off the edge, that's the end of me, ooh drat,

And rockets didn't go into space,

It was all filmed at some studio place,

It also turns out eating cheese balls, will never make me fat.

LOST IN AMERICA

Larry was so upset, because he could not find his home,

He pulled each hair from his head, creating a big, bald dome,

Larry finally found a map,

And from an old man, stole a cap,

Then Larry realized, he was in Alaska, outside of Nome. 

THE LITTLE BIRD NAMED CHURBA

Churba is a little bird, and he makes a churbing sound,

Whenever I hear churbing, I know that Churba, is around,

Churba likes to eat cheddar cheese,

I sit it out, for Churba, to please,

Along with some tasty prunes, so Churba won't get bound.🧀🐦

MAROON COULD BE A COLOR, BUT IT IS DEFINITELY NOT A FRIEND

My garden potatoes were colored maroon,

No one would eat them, except Mr. Raccoon,

He ate them on a dare,

Then messed his underwear,

He sat on the toilet from noon until noon.

CRAWDAD GOT TALENT

I bought a fish tank for my pet crawdad, Mr. Bay Jay,

Mr. Bay Jay was happy, and in his tank he would play,

He had a toy flute,

And he played it, so quite,

Sometimes he'd stare at me, but that was ok. 

TASTY AND CARNIVOROUS, MY MAGIC MUSHROOM FIND

I held a mushroom near my face, and he bit me on the cheek,

I decided that a mushroom with teeth, was a nature freak,

But as he chewed on my cheek skin,

I fried him with eggs for my din,

The toothy mushroom tasted so good, more I'm going to seek.

JIM'S JOB INTERVIEW IS GOING TO STINK

Jim's French perfume had gone all skunky,

It smelled worse than the pee of his pet monkey,

Jim was due for an appointment,

And had no underarm ointment,

It's a job interview, and Jim's chances are sunky.

I AM A SAVED SODA POONTOON

I was out in my aluminum boat,

I drank sodas that made my belly bloat,

Then up-chucked the sea,

Swamping my boat and me,

Soda gas kept my body afloat.

THE TERRIERDACTYL

My little bull terrier, thinks he's a flying dinosaur,

He climbs up on the furniture, and jumps four feet or more,

He knocked over Uncle Vern.

Vern sat so quiet, in his urn,

Methinks dinos will be flying, to the backyard, and out the door.

MY NEW HOME IN THE WOODS

I was given a key for the front and the back,

But there's no doors, or doorknobs, on my lean-to shack,

There's a hanging blanket front door,

Inside, in places there's floor,

Backdoor, is old tires in a stack.

RED SHED AND THE RAINBOW RISE

There was a rainbow over my shed,

My shed was painted barny red,

Before my nose,

The rainbow rose,

I went back inside to get breakfast fed.

THE MUFFIN GIVES ME STUFFIN', AND THE SACK WILL TREAT MY BACK

I tried a little exercise, and I hurt my back,

I had to lay flat on the floor of my shack,

Finally, I grabbed the doorknob on the door,

And crawled up from the floor,

I ate a corn muffin, and then, I hit the sack.

I FELT OK UNTIL THE CLOWN

I decided to ride my motor scooter into town,

But I went way too slow, and I quickly got run down,

The first car really hurt,

The second caused blood squirt,

Then I was run over by a semi, driven by some clown.

CROAK GOES THE WEASEL

I wish up in Canada, they'd stop the smoking,

So that people in Michigan, could stop choking,

It just ain't at all fair,

There's smoke clouds everywhere,

I saw a weasel gasp for air, I think he was croaking

TALK ABOUT A BAD SANTA

Santa's at the beach and he's having lots of summer fun,

He left Mrs. Santa at home; he's with a special hon,

But an age difference he fears,

About 20,000 years,

And Santa's new young lady, shows she's baking him a bun.

BACON, TOAST EGGS GOOD: CEREAL, NOT SO MUCH HAIKU

High priced cereal,
Nice box: tastes like sticks and leaves,
Trash can smells better.

Sugar, Cereal,
Yuck! Tastes like very dry grass,
Eggs, toast, bacon, good.

BULLIES, EYEBALLS AND GOLD

I put an earring in my left ear,

It was gold, and financially dear,

But along came this Frankie,

He gave my earring a yankey,

The pain made my right eyeball tear.

HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN

The cars on the highway started to beep,

So I had to go out and move my sheep,

Cars are evil and chilling,

They do sheep roadkill killing,

Then at the end of the day, I weep.

VAMPIRES CELEBRATE THE FOURTH WITH PIE

At every fireworks display on the  4th Of July,

Vampires rain down on tourists, from out of the sky,

The tourists are alarmed,

But not seriously harmed,

The vampires just need blood, for gram cracker crust pie.

ZOMBIES ON THE FOURTH

The zombies attacked on the 4th Of July,

They ate my best friends, Herbie and Guy,

Then the rocket glared,

The zombies got scarred,

And I ate burgers, and finished with pie.

SPACECRAFT DISASSEMBLY, AND A BABOON IS LOST IN SPACE🚀

My spaceship disassembled as I journeyed toward the moon,

They launched it in bad weather, and probably way too soon,

It rattled really bad, 

While still on the launch pad,

Humans won't feel bad for me, I'm just a creature called, Baboon. 

 

DEEP FRIED SPLEEN KIDNEY PIE

Chef made the bestest ever, kidney pie,

It was so delicious, I asked chef,"why?"

Chef said he made kidneys appeal,

By wrapping with the spleen of eel,

Cooked in grease leftover, from a chicken fry.

HUSBANDS AND BOYFRIENDS, AND THE BIG ALPHA MALE

Ron was proud to be a big alpha male,

At nightclubs, he would really set sail,

Ron hit on ladies all night,

Got into fight after fight,

And spent the next 90 days in a jail.

MY ROOSTER GOT TAIL IN THE END

The dog next door, Jim call him poop,

He tried to raid Jim's chicken coup,

But Jim's rooster had beak,

And Poop's tail he did seek,

Tonight Jim fine dines, on Poopy tail soup.

NEVER USE YOUR HANDS TO LAUNCH ROCKETS,: A PARABLE OF SORTS

I use to have fingers, until one 4th Of July,🖖

From my fists I'd launch rockets, then watched them blowup and die,🌋

I got celebration crazy,🍺💃

Then my fingers got lazy,🙌🚑

It's been over 80 years, still I cry.😭

WARNING: BE CAREFUL WHEN HANDLING FIRE AND EXPLOSIVES!!! BEST NOT TO DO IT AT ALL 👍

PUT SAFETY FIRST WHEN FOLLOWING COWS

I followed the cows at eventide,

The cows kicked up bacteria so, then I died,

Follow cows if you must,

Just cover your face from the dust,

Then, with the bovine species abide. 

THE ALPHA MALE AND HIS TINY THINGS

I do not like bacteria, I do not like them one and all,

They make my belly really sick, and make my little sister ball,

Daddy brings them home from work,

He won't wash his hands, the drunken jerk,

He claims he's an alpha male, and bacteria is their card of call.

ICE CREAM ENVY

I wanted an ice cream cone, but they make me look fat,

So I had my little bro eat one, while I watched and sat,

With delicious surprise,

The first lick, twinkled his eyes,

So I took the ice cream cone, and made it into his hat.

DON'T EAT YOUR SWEETIES FEETIES

I once knew this scientist named Pete,

The only thing he studied was feet,

He said what lurked among us,

Was a terminal foot fungus,

And toe jam was not fit to eat

MY GOLDFISH PLOTS

Methinks my goldfish now plots my demise,

I can see his deceit in his black, blinkless eyes,

What gives me a real creep,

Is he sinks down into the deep,

And, I know someday from the deep he will rise. 

THE LIMERICK OF PORCH PIRATE BILLY

Porch pirate Billy, sneaked up to my backdoor,

He sneaked off with candy, laid on my porch floor,

A rare chocolate from Spain,

Quite hard to obtain,

Now I will have to try ordering more.

BUGS GIVE ME GAS

My friends tell me the food sources are declining,

My menu, they all said, needs refining,

They said if I would eat bugs,

They would give me love hugs,

But bugs tear into my intestional lining.

BETWEEN BACON AND SOCIAL MEDIA, I CHOSE BACON EVERYTIME

I went to Twitter and I couldn't twit a tweet,

I felt really low, I felt deep defeat,

I did not get bitter,

Because they signed me off Twitter,

I can spend the time frying bacon to eat.

TOO HOT TO BLOW NOSE

The sun got so volcano-like, darn hot 

Donny could not make any human, darn snot,

Without the nose cleaner,

His hay fever got meaner,

The only moisture was in Donny's pee pot.

JIMMY'S SONG

Jimmy's toe jams smelled,

He drank beer and his belly swelled,

He retired to teach,

At the beach,

Sea turtles, how to mind meld.

PORCH PIRATES COME CREEPING

My neighbors are porch pirates, who wait until I'm sleeping,

Then up to my door, they come a creeping,

And when I confront an offender,

They don't surrender,

They just tell me my package, they're keeping.

I HUNT THE HIGHWAYS

I stuck my dutch oven over the blazing campfire,

For I had found some fresh roadkill, still stuck to my tire,

No guess as to which varmint,

But my tire did harm it,

I just cannot waste meat, when food stores are so dire.