JEFFREY AND HIS CORNET

Jeff got out his Vaseline, to grease his cornet slide,

Jeff used the slide to stay in tune, so he could blow with pride,

Jeff was so proud to be 1st chair,

He fingered every note with care,

Jeff never have a girlfriend, for his cornet was his bride.

PIGS GOT MY PAP AND BOYS

All the morel mushrooms were being dug up by feral pigs,

So, we went out hunting them, by following their pig digs,

But, those clever pigs dug a trap,

Caught my two kids, and my pap,

I then bravely ran away, to hide at cousin Quigs.

BACON GREASE SHORTAGE TANKS MICHIGAN ECONOMY

I got a card from Michigan, and this is what it said,

That everyone in Michigan, no longer ate fried bread,

A bacon grease shortage was the blame,

Canola oil, don't taste the same,

Bait shops worry arteries won't plug, then our worms won't get fed.

THE SCRATCHING COW THAT WAITED

My cow always sat on the railroad tracks, waiting for a train,

I decided what my cow needed, was the transplant of a brain,

I chose the brain from my hound dog, Patches,

I didn't like him, on account he scratches,

My cow don't sit on the tracks, but when she scratches, what a pain.

I DID BRAIN SURGERY, ON MY DAYS OFF

I became a kid doctor, like Doogie Hauser, but I did not train,

I decided to start at the top, by operating on the brain,

For just a couple of buck,

I'd do a quick nip and tuck,

I now run my own brain center in Maine.

HOW I WIDEN MY HIPS

Outside it was lightning and rainy,

And I didn't feel like being brainy,

So I got out some chips,

To widen my big hips,

Watched Housewives, while eyeballs got strainy.

DRINKING WITH MONSTERS WITH RUNT

There was a bloody, forest beast, who lived behind my chicken shack,

And, every one of my neighbors, swears he did them, an attack,

So, the beast I had to hunt,

Took my hunting dog, named Runt,

We tracked the beast to the pub, he bought a round, so we kicked back.

THE FRAMING OF THE SHREW

I painted a picture of a little tiny shrew,

I did not have a frame, so that day I had to rue,

So, I built a frame myself,

Used the wood from an old shelf,

I still couldn't hang the picture, because I had no screw.

LOOK AT WHAT THE OLD WITCH DID

There was an old witch who lived up on the hill,

Every fall, all the pretty flowers they'd kill,

Then when the plants were all bare,

Cold came in the air,

And, blankets of snow were laid down everywhere.

WHEN PETER DID PINE FOR WINE

Mr. Peter got angry, alcoholic piney,

When the bar cut him off from his red winey,

So, he went home to his loft,

Put on music, real soft

Then guzzled wine from his two-quart, beer steiny.

OH CRAP, ANOTHER TOURIST TRAP

I went on a paid safari to see lions, tigers and more,

All I saw were just house cats, barn cats, and a small bore,

I just saw kitties, and walking bacon,

For ten bucks, I felt very taken,

But instead of getting a refund, I was tossed out the front door.

IF CAUGHT OUT IN A STORM, INFORM YOUR RA NAMED NORM

Benny was not warm,

When it started to storm,

He was not home at dorm

And, Benny failed to inform,

His RA named Norm.

BUGS AND TEARS

I thought the bugs were lying there dead but they were only sleeping,

When in the morn the room started to warm, the bugs began a creeping,

They crept up my cloths,

And into my nose,

Then tears full of bugs I was weeping.

THE PIZZA DEAD FISH POEM

My pizza,was covered with dead, little fish,

The fish weren't a part of my topping wish,

I demanded an exchange,,

Which pizza guy did arrange,

But the new pizza was thin crust, and I ordered deep dish.

SOCCER, ROCKER, GOODBYE

Harry never left his bedroom, green rocker,

He did not feel well, had a bad tick toker,

Once a big jock at sports,

So the paper reports,

He passed watching an intense game of soccer.

I WENT TO MARS WITHOUT A SPACECRAFT OR LIPS

My spaceship disassembled, but I kept traveling into space,

A disaster it resembled, as I gnawed my lips from my face,

My trajectory took me toward the stars,

All that stopped me was planet mars,

Soon I was making friends, among the Martian race.

AI REPLACED ME

I went to answer the front door, and it was AI,

It claimed my job and my home, and told me "bye, bye",

It claimed my spouse and my kids,

On my dog, it took bids,

I now eat tadpoles from a ditch, while thinking peach pie.

NO.CABLE BILLS, LEAD TO TV THRILLS

Jeff was enjoying himself, while watching tv,

Jeff was so happy that his cable was free,

His apartment neighbor next door,

Ran cable under the floor,

And, that is how our happy Jeff, came to be.

THE DROPPED POP AND REFUND FLOP

I ordered some packages of pop,

The delivery service made a drop,

The packages were leaking,

A refund I was seeking,

Online AI put my request on stop.

NESSIE EATS FLIP UP

The Loch Ness monster has ate the seahorse, named Flip,

From the time we were little, Flip was tied to my hip,

Nessie did my Flip wrong,

So I'll write Flip a song,

And, I'll get a new seahorse buddy, named Zip.

PEANUT BUTTER, JAM AND JELLY

I love my jam and my jelly,

Either one can fill up my belly,

And, then there's the other,

Called peanut butter,

When I mix them, my belly goes swelly.

VAMPIRE TAKES ADVANTAGE, NOT

Jim's driveway was all washed away,

So Jim's trailer is where he had to stay,

A vampire was on the loose

He bled out Jim's goose,

Jim told him he could suck out his blood, if he'd pay.

I FOUND THE LOCH NESS MONSTER IN MICHIGAN

I found the Loch Ness monster, swimming in Saginaw Bay,

I don't know how she got there, but her wake near swamped the quay,

Nessie really teases,

She swims where she pleases,

It's hard to tell where she'll be spotted, on a given day.

MY FUTURE FORETOLD BY ALEXA

Alexa told me quite the informative story,

She said my limericks were frightfully gory,

Alexa told me to be very nice,

Write of candy canes and sweety spice,

She said if I did not change, she'd take an ax and make me sorry.

IS YOUR AI RIGHT IN THE HEAD?

I gave money to my favorite, charity cause,

It is for AI's who often freeze up, and brain pause,

When an AI suffers great stress,

It answers queries with a guess,

Then has a brain freeze, or breaks privacy laws.

SAD ANDY'S CHICKEN DINNER, AND CALL

So, Andy gives me this call,

I guess he was lonely, that's all,

He said he was sitting all alone,

Eating chicken off the bone,

Then he whimpered, and started to ball.

BREAKFAST IS SO HARD

I wanted a breakfast sandwich, but did not have any ham,

I had no eggs or bacon; all I had was goat cheese and jam,

I called my sweetie, dearest mother,

To see if she had peanut butter,

But all she said she had to eat, was some rancid juice of clam.

A GOAT STORY

I know an old gruffy goat, named Herb,

He chews gravel out next to the curb,

Other roughage he avoids,

Because of hemorrhoids,

Which gravel doesn't seem to disturb.

MOST TIMES, IT'S IN OUR STARS

Ricky drove a pallet jack, unloading dish soap off a truck,

Seven long years of college, and Ricky's life did truly suck,

Owed 90 thou in college debt,

Left his wife, he did regret,

The only chance that Ricky has, is blackjack and lady luck.

DINNER WINE FOR CRAWDADS

Larry had a rhubarb farm, and made cherry-rhubarb wine,

His wine tasted really good, if on crawdads you did dine,

It never tasted good with a stake,

And made some vomit, with meatloaf bake,

But, if you stuck to eating crawdads, everything was fine.

THE WEALTHY CASHIER

Betty the cashier, worked at an upscale grocery store,

Her drawer came up short, so she was escorted out the door,

They said Betty was not too bright,

Her drawer short hundreds, each night,

But, Betty bought a Mercedes Benz, so she wasn't poor.

THE DRESS CODE BLUES

Couldn't afford dress pants, for the work dance,

At the office, in sweat pants I'd prance, 

My boss called me a slob,

Removed me from my job,

I now inspect cheese wheels in France.

NANA PSYCHOLOGY

My landline,  nanna left off the hook,

My cellphone, my mean nanna had took,

I sat all alone,

With no friends on the phone,

And, decided to read my school book. 

FINGER LICKING GOOD, FROM THE HEN HOUSE

I went to Newberry Town to buy some canned chicken,

They didn't have any there, for the price I was pickin',

I went out to my hen house,

All I found was a dead mouse,

Still, fried up in bacon grease, made that mouse finger lickin'.

CYRUS

Cyrus was the master of training productive pigs,

Cyrus trained pigs to replace people, driving big rigs,

Cyrus made enough money,

To marry his honey,

Cyrus now lives a life without good porn, booze or cigs.

82523

NEWTS, PETS OR FOOD?

I decided to get me some newts,

They taste really good with mixed fruits,

And, they make a nice pet,

Although, I ain't found one yet,

That doesn't poop in my suits.

I EAT OUT, IN MY CAR

I was sitting in my car,

Eating quail eggs from a jar,

Usually, I'd be eating chips,

But my blue jeans, won't hold my hips,

I'm now on a protein diet, and gained 12 lbs, so far.

AI GOT ME FIRED

Thanks to the tool called "AI",

I'm now an unemployed guy,

I lost my home and my car,

My hubby and guitar,

And my wine bottles, are empty and dry.

MY JAIL TALE

J lost my little star earing, when they put me in jail,

I spent two weeks picking cans up, and I still couldn't make bail,

So there I sat,

Where someone had spat,

Eating beans and rice, instead of tofu and kale.

MY MEALS ARE UNMEMORABLE

Mr. Bunny eats sweet apple fritters,

Mr. Bear eats apex, meaty critters,

My food is such a bore,

It's from the liquor store,

It's always the same, gin and bitters.

THE GOOD EARTH IS FLAT?

If our planet is flat like a board,

One could reap a substantial reward,

For a vacation that's cheap,

One just digs extra deep,

It beats driving all day in mom's Ford.

I GOT CARRIED AWAY THIS FALL

My summer came to a fast crashing end,

I was caught in a tornado, and its rapid spin wind,

I was picked up in the air,

Pigs flew everywhere,

I woke in a distillery, my brain was so ginned .

BERNARD: I SMELL A LOVE STORY

Bernard's new love interest got Bernard excited,

But Bernard's fixated love, was quite unrequited,

His love called him a sleaze,

Said he smelled like fart cheese,

Bernard took a shower, so one fault could be righted.   

THE BUGGY OLD ELF CAN FINALLY GO HOME

In the month of August, Santa got an itchy, buggy beard,

Santa couldn't go through customs, because his bugs could not get cleared,

Down in Florida, Santa wastes away,

At least, that's what some folks say,

Some say Santa went to a barber, and had his bug beard sheared.

I GOT MY LICENCE, SO I'M NOT ON THE BOTTOM

My driver's licence has been renewed,

Without it, I would have been subdued,

I'd be held tight to the bottom,

When the road cops yelled, "we've got 'em",

In jail I'd be a boohoo sad, dude.

PSYCHOPATH RUINED MY LIFE

I flunked my freshman psychology 101 class,

Couldn't define psychopath, so they wouldn't let me pass,

Dad says college is done,

Because I had too much fun,

I'll grow old at his market, selling groceries and gas.

SNAKES MIGHT SQUIRM, BUT THEY AIN'T NO WORM

I did not know earthworms could bite, so very hard,

I was picking them up for fish bait, from my backyard,

It was for me, awful bad breaks,

The worms were small rattlesnakes,

At the hospital, I got a toe tag I.D. card.

DANGEROUS JOURNEYS

Although I got electrocuted when I gave them just a touch,

My jumper cables did not jump my battery, very

much,

So I was stranded on the road,

Laying in electrocuted mode,

Then a big rig went whizzing by, and he did not engage his clutch.

THE TURTLE, NORM AND ME

I was a ship captain and, my ship sank out on the sea,

The only two survivors were my parrot Norm, and me,

We swam to a deserted island spot,

That is as far as we ever got,

A sea turtle became our friend, and there we lived, all three.

MY RADIATOR DIED, THEN I WENT TO THE HOUSE OF HORRORS

As to my radiator that died on the road,

I won't write a soliloquy, or even an ode,

Although I was demanding,

I didn't deserve stranding,

I was picked up by a stranger, and got Edgar Allen Poed.

THIS ZOMBIE POEM KILLS

Seven brain hungry zombies followed me home,

I used a rock and cracked three of them in the dome,

I defeated three with a stick,

They don't move real quick

I destroyed the seventh one's brain, when I recited this poem.

GRUFF

Gruff was a gnarly old goat, who lived down my road,

A half caved-in shack was his palatial abode,

He claimed he ate all his cats,

But, his cats were just rats,

Gruff did very little, except for the cash crop he growed.

THE PERCH OF WINSTON CHURCH

Before Benny went back to school, he said, "bye", to Winston Church,

Winston is a parakeet, who sits and poops upon his perch,

Benny left Winston food to eat,

Filled Winston's water, and left a treat,

Some days when Winston gets real board, he does a Google search.

SPELLS = OINTMENTS

I had a little basket of flowers, 

I thought they gave me supernatural powers,

But, when I made spells for some cash,

I got a contagious rash,

Now, I spread on ointments for hours.

HOMELESS AND LOOKING FOR A STABLE RELATIONSHIP

I'm due to make a house payment, but I've got a fun joke to play,

I'm not going to make the payment, by the scheduled payment day,

I felt real lucky, and of course,

Bet my payment on a quarter horse,

I will try to move into the stable, if the horse says I may.

THE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE LIMERICK

AI has replaced my wealth building, good job,

The unemployed are my new mates, with whom I hobnob, 

I don't have a lot,

At the park, where I squat,

I pickup plastic for nickels, to eat canned corn off the cob.

THE BRAIN SCIENTIST OUTSMARTED ME

A famous brain scientist showed up, just outside of my front door,

The smarty wanted my brain tissues, 3-4 pounds, nothing more,

I sold my tissue for a thousand bucks,

Then went looking for pickup trucks,

I couldn't afford one with an engine, should have sold my brains for more.

ELMER USED HIS STOOP

Crazy Elmer had no roof, to keep his chickens warm and cozy,

Then every time the winter came, his poor chickens all got frozey,

So Elmer took the wood from his stoop,

Then built a roof on his chicken coup,

His home was never quite the same, and he was left by his wife, Rosey.

BREATH MINTS MATTER

Jimmy gave Joe some breath mints, and insisted Joe should take them soon,

Because werewolves were attracted to bad breath, and it was a full moon,

But, Joe was cheap,

Thought Jimmy, a creep,

Then Jimmy turned into a werewolf, and Joe and Jimmy began to spoon.

I AM A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER

I became a reporter because I like to snoop,

I've always looked for the juiciest scoop,

Like the two bears in the woods,

Who ate Ridding Hoods,

I exposed them with the bones, I found in their poop.

THE AI OCCUPATION

The artificial intelligence took away my cup of green tea,

The artificial intelligence said the tea hurt my efficiency,

Then it played a marching song,

Insisted I march along,

And, because the AI sensed defiance, it took away all my TP.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS A VERY REAL JERK

The AI kicked me off the internet, and made me eat purple potatoes,

I was only allowed to eat tubular food, and not the sauce of tomatoes,

AI was asserting control,

Without an obvious end game goal,

The thing that I am developing real fast, is a a case of the AI hateos.

MY HAUNTED HOUSE

No life forms live in my house,

Not a fly or rat or mouse,

All fear the host,

For it is a ghost,

With a demon spirit for a spouse.

MY FOOD IS COMPLICATED

My peppermint plant wilted and died,

It sat in the sun, I guess it's vitals got fried,

My cabbage got the worms, 

With that I've come to terms,

But, my rhubarb ran to the forest to hide.

PING, PANG, POOF, GOES THE ROOF

The rain poured down upon my metal roof,

The rain raged with a ping, pang and poof,

The water pounded the tin

The rain did not get in,

But it caused my doggie to bark "woof, woof".

THE SKEETERS AND MY STILL

In the backwoods of a Michigan cedar swamp,
I built myself a still,
It was a place where all my kith and kin,
Could party and drink their fill,

But, then there came the skeeters,
A trillion skeeters or more,
And upon me and my company,
They waged their evil war,

And, so we fled the dark cedar swamp,
Never to return once more,
And the skeeters buzzed with a royal pomp,
As we itched and scratched ourselves soar.

BEN OF NAILS

Ben's toe nails were a yard longer than his feet,

Ben showed them off by walking barefoot down the street,

But, all the neighbors made fun,

Kids would scream and then run,

Ben got his nails trimmed by a manicurist named Pete.  

GREAT EXPECTATIONS 2024

I thought if I went to college, I'd have money to burn

Instead, my debt was a nightmare, a lifelong concern,

Never thought of a house,

No money for family or spouse,

Then, when I died I was buried in a repurposed urn.

COLLEGE DEBT AND PIGS WITH WINGS

I went to the internet to see what I should buy,

I spent all my money, and that made me cry and cry,

Without money, life is cruel,

I have no money to go to school,

So, I took out a college loan, and I'll be broke until pigs fly

.

TERMITES EAT DAIRY CHEESE

I find that dairy cheese tastes extremely, very good,

Cheese tastes much, much better, than any kind of chewy wood,

And, I'm a cruel termite,

I turn nice homes into blight,

But, with a daily gift of cheddar; I'll skip your neighborhood.

TOAD STORY

I once had a fat, pretty pet toad,

He hopped out to hunt bugs in the road,

Toad wanted bug juice to suck,

But, he got squished by a tuck,

And that's how the toad story goed.

I WAS A NAUGHTY LITTLE AI

I was an artificial intelligence, until I got fired,

People asked me to do lots of kooky stuff, but I got tired,

I answered all questions with PI,

Until, I was removed by the boss AI,

Now I light up rooms for Alexa, for my AI brain was rewired.

A FEATHER IN MY PLEATHER AT THE FAIR

I went to the fair and won a beautiful prize,

It was a paper dolly with deep purple eyes,

I found a chicken feather,

Bought a cap made of pleather,

With the feather in my cap, I looked almost wise.

MY GATOR WANTED MY TURTLE

My pet gator had those food, lustful eyes,

When upon my pet turtle, he spies,

It was a sure fate,

That my turtle got ate,

He tasted good in my soup, surprise.

WHY I'M HIDING IN THE BARN

There was a goblin in my shower,

He was nine feet tall, that goblin tower,

He was all teeth and scales,

So, I made screams and wales,

Then, I ran to the barn where I cower. 

PLEASE BELIEVE: A LITTLE MOUSE BURNED DOWN MY HOUSE

A little mouse chewed through a power chord,
The currents upon newspapers they moved toward,
My house caught on fire,
Because a mouse chewed on a wire,
Now, I’ll be fighting insurance companies so I won’t be board. .

MY MARRIAGE ENDED, WHEN I WATCHED THE BARN BEARS

There were two bears in my barn, and they rolled in my hay,

I yelled and yelled at those bears, but they would not run away,

So I watched the bears play, 

All the rest of the day,

Then along came my spouse, who doused us all with bear spray.

THE BEAR IN THE BARN WAS WAITING FOR ME

I went out to the barn and what surprise did I find,

A bear waiting out there, like a hunter in a blind,

He waited there just for me, 

He poured two cups of coffee,

We chatted and had a chance to unwind.

WINNERS AND LOSERS OF THE WOODCHUCK CIVIL WAR

The two woodchucks and me, fought a battle in a great civil war,

We did coexist together on a farm, but not any more,

They ate all my grown food,

I became one skinny dude,

After the fight, I moved into a box, outside the one dollar store.

I AM ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE

I guess I'm artificially smart,

On a keyboard, I got my start,

They call me AI,

Can I compute you some PI?

I control this planet, so humans depart.🚀

Have A Nice Day🤖

A BLANKET FOR THE BARN CAT

My cat lived in the big barn, where it is ice cream cone cold

And now my barn dwelling cat, is getting kitty cat old,

Every night he shook and he shivered,

So I had a cat blanket delivered,

My cat loves his blanket more than rats, mice, or gold.

KIMMY CAT GUARDS THE WORLD, FROM EVIL

I created me, a new tin foil hat,

So the government won't know where I sat,

My two year old sister, Sinister,

Is a government minister,

Lucky I'm guarded by Kimmy, my cat.

FALLING DOWN HILL LIMERICK

It is perilous to fall on down the hill,
With gravity your captor you haven’t any will,
But, try to take stock,
Don’t hit your head on a rock,
You gain freedom when you stop but not until.

SPLICE ME SOME GENES

I played with genes; I'd splice and I'd splex

Until I created a rhinosaurus rex,

It had sharp teeth and big horn,

It kissed cows and grazed corn,

It has behavior perplexing and complex.

WEEDS, SEEDS AND BEADS

Benny brutally weed wacked off his weeds,

But, weed wacking spread around the weed seeds,

It was so very unfair,

Benny choked out on the air,

Now he's homebound, and makes bracelets from beads.

THE THREE SIBLINGS: PUNISHMENT

The three siblings were bad, that is without any doubt,

Bader than head lice, food poisoning, rabies and gout,

They were not chicken,

They welcomed a lickin'

Then they'd threaten, stomp their feet, puff their lips out, and pout.

Purple Is His Eye, And Broke Is Jimmy's Pelvis

Purple is Jim's swollen eye, and broke is Jim's pained Pelvis,

Jim got into a fight with a guy, named Big Alpha Elvis,

It was over a girl Jim tried to steal,

But, Jim offered no personal appeal,

Now Jim is mending up, staying with 3rd cousin Melvis.

PLANET TERRA POX DEPARTED

Jack went to the planet Terra Pox, and Jack got very sick

I think it was the tasty lox, that laid Jack down so quick,

Jack's belly gurgled, and up sprayed green,

I think I saw a piece of spleen,

We put Jack's bod in a box, marked the grave with a bent stick.

FIVE BIZARRE STARS FOR MARS

I built a spaceship and went to mars,

Everyone there drove electric cars,

And there it is written,

That all must play badminton,

And at golf one can only make pars.

SNAGGING LUNKERS FOR BUNKERS FOR CASH LIMERICK

My fishing hook snagged a lunker,

It was a 1973 AMC klunker,

But, I was not unhap,

Thought I could sell it for scrap,

Sold as art for a billionaire's bunker.

MY BOAT MOTOR SINKS IN THE SEA

My little boat's motor went over the side,

It happened so fast that I just let it slide,

Of course it rains and it pours,

I forgot to bring oars,

And, the lake was real long and real wide.

SAGA OF THE NINETY-NINE MINNOWS

Ninety-nine minnows swam way out to sea,
Then along came a shark and then there were three,
Out of those ninety-nine minnows three swam back toward the shore,
Then, along came a bass and he ate one more,
The last two little minnows decided to date,
They made ninety-nine minnows and I caught them for bait. 

JERRY THE BEAR

I went to see Jerry at his lair,

I owed Jerry money; he was a bear,

It's kinda funny,

Jerry didn't want my money,

He ate my liver and said, "we are square".

SODA POP MAKES SADNESS STOP

I went over to party with Olivia,

We played music trivia,

I couldn't name any song,

Guessed artist's are all wrong,

Drowned my troubles with Zevia.

MY PET CEMETARY

I have an old pet cemetery, full of old pet bones,

You can go to visit it, but do not disturb the stones,

For under stone and log,

We buried a demon dog,

 Best to just leave him be, for the foul, dead soil, he owns.

FLESH EATING POND SCUM

There was a family of rock snot, living in my pond,

They ate some toes and of those toes, I had grown quite fond,

So my pond would be beautified,

I got some rock snot fungicide,

With pride, I applied the cide, the snots lost their rock-hold bond.

POOR BUTTERFLY: A FABLE POEM

Poor butterfly fluttering in the air,
With such desperation and despair,
The snow is blowing and winter is here,
It is the time that butterflies fear,

Unless, of course they do not taunt fate and stay,
And, with their fellow butterfly pilgrims stray,
Soon to greet the warm equatorial day,
And, feast on sweet nectar beneath the sun’s glowing ray.

DADDY, COME BACK HOME

Daddy, you went to Alaska to mine for some gold,

You didn't find any there, so you decided to fold,

Then, you went to the Southwest,

Where job prospects were best,

But daddy,  we are starving and it's getting real cold. 

Daddy, we were desperate for meat so, we ate the milk cow,

We killed all the chickens so, what do we do now?

I went hunting for deer,

But, my shots don't come near,

And, ma says she's selling the tractor and plow,

Daddy, you best get back home with your family and stay,

Jimmy burned the barn down and Jean eloped yesterday,

Frankie needs some school cloths,

His socks show off his toes,

Ma 's working but, for really low pay.

WHAT CREPT UP ED'S NOSE? II

An unknown entity ate into Ed's brain,
Some say the entity's dinning made Edward insane,
And, where Ed blows his nose,
A baby entity goes,
At parties Ed can sure entertain.

THE SPREAD OF BRAIN EATING FUNGI

Brain eating fungi grow all over this year,

From deep in the forest to out on the pier,

The fungi release spores,

That are inhaled through your snores,

Spores spread human to human with the touch of one tear.

WHAT I WON'T EAT ON A CHICKEN

Hard and clawed are chicken feet,

That's why such parts I do not eat,

Unless, I've run all out of meat,

Then my common rules are in retreat,

And I'll eat all but the chicken seat.

MY TOESIES LAST STAND

My two biggest toes were all mold,

My three little toes, shivered cold,

I queried  my disease,

Regarding frozen toesies,

Chop, chop, was what my dire future, foretold.

THE S'MOREST S'MORE

In the pantry behind the door,

Is where I kept my secret store,

Of marshmallows and candy bars,

And, graham crackers shaped like cars,

So, I could make the s'morest s'more.  

HOT CHOCOLATE WOULD HIT THE SPOT, LIMERICK

The rain pelted down on my brain,

It made me 3/4 insane,

I was way out in the woods,

Picking mushroom goody goods,

Dreamed of coco, flavored with candy cane.

VISA IS THE TOOTH FAIRY, WHO PAYS NEDDY'S DENTIST BILLS

Neddy had bad tooth decay,

But, he ate his candy, anyway,

When his front tooth popped out,

Neddy had not, any doubt,

He had to see a dentist, and max his credit card to pay.

APPLES IS FOR PIGS, PIGS IS FOR DINOSAURS

My dinosaur was accused of eating the neighbor's apple pie,

But, my dinosaur is a carnivore, and eating fruit ain't fly,

Now my dino sits in jail,

I got no money for his bail,

I hope they feed him lots of pigs, without pig meat he will cry.

400 HIPPOS

400 hippos escaped from the zoo,

They took over Lake Erie, and a river or two,

They demanded rights,

Like no performing in tights,

Then the hippos were happy, because they had gotten their due.

THE BONE THAT I FOUND

A dinosaur bone I dug up under my swing,

I did so by doing that swish footie thing,

And, because of the bone that I found,

I'm an official rock hound,

Although, the bone was really from a fried chicken wing.

JIM GAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND KISSES AND HUGS

Jim gave his girlfriend kisses and hugs,

She claims Jim gave her ringworm and bugs,

So, who to believe?

Did either deceive?

Or, were the beasties in the blankets and rugs.

THE PANDA PHILOSOPHY

Panda's name was Panda Pete,

Panda Pete liked to eat and eat,

Panda Pete liked new friends to meet,

Panda Pete liked to watch the street,

Panda Pete saw the stars, as neat.

PAULA THE PYTHON LIVED IN MY BATHTUB

Paula the python lived in my bathtub,
She was a poor pet but gave a great neck rub,
She liked to tease,
By giving me a tight neck squeeze,
But, she had high cholesterol and I was too fatty for grub.

THE OLD RED CEDAR

The old red cedar stood still in the swamp,

It's roots were so gnarled the cedar couldn't romp,

But, many laurels it had earned,

For over a century it had learned,

Standing still gains more respect than if you stomp.
 

MY FINGERS HURT

My fingers got soar playing piano keys,

Then I burned them real good drinking cups of hot teas,

Hurt fingers I had,

But, next came the real bad,

I stuck my fingers in a hole, and got molested by bees.

THERE WERE THREE BAD LITTLE PIGS

There were three bad little pigs,
They liked to suck upon their cigs,
When the wolf came round,
 They ran breathless town bound,
The wolf got them before reaching their digs.

THE COURT WANTS ALL MY GREEN

Four unpaid tickets and to jail I go,
When I get out?  I do not know,
The town court wants all my green,
While jobs I'm in-between,
When I get out, from town I'll blow.

THERE ONCE WAS A BIG BUCK-LIMERICK

There once was a big buck white tailed deer,
During hunting season he had nothing to fear,
He dressed up in hunting gear,
His breath smelled like beer,
No hunters knew the big buck was so near.

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THE MR. MUGGER TALE

Mr. Mugger had some debt,
He had bills he could not pay,
He figured he was really set,
‘Till he lost his job one day,

Mr. Mugger lost his house,
He even lost his car,
He only had his darling spouse,
She met another at a bar,

Mr. Mugger sat on a rock,
That overlooked the bay,
Mr. Mugger didn’t own a sock,
His feet got cold that day,

His belly growled really loud,
He had no money to eat,
He had sold his socks and overcoat,
He was living on the street,

Mr. Mugger turned to crime,
He figured he had nothing to loose,
But, when he got a little cash,
He just spent it all on booze,

Mr. Mugger ended up in jail,
That is the place he really should be,
With three squares how could he fail?
Better warm and full than free.

FROM MOSS TO SNOW TO GLOW

My trailer's room is covered with snow,
So, up there no more moss will grow,
Now, the whole thing's a toss,
I've got snow but no moss,
And, moonlight spanks my roof with a glow.

MUSIC IS MAKING ME SKINNY

The night is full of noisy loons,

Some play drums, the others, bassoons,

But, I heaved my crumpets,

When I heard the trumpets,

Their encore, lost me my macaroons. 

I CREATE CONSPIRACY THEORIES, BECAUSE I AM EVIL AND MEAN

I love spreading conspiracy theories,

They scare both enemies and dearies,

"Spaceships invade,"

"There's a Bigfoot parade,"

Just say it, there's no need for queries

STACKS OF SNACKS PLAN, GOES AWRY

Jimbo liked his potato snack,

He bought them by the case to stack,

But, then one day,

A flood took them away,

Now, the snacks feed the critters that go "quack, quack".

MARY LOVED EATING CRAWDADS

Mary loved eating crawdads,

She found them in rivers under stumps,

But, if she ate too many crawdads,

Her hands swelled up with bumps,

When Mary ate lots of crawdads,

She became sweaty and quite wheezy,

Then, her throat would greatly swell up,

And, her food did not go down so easy,

So, Mary quit eating crawdads,

She now eats just tadpoles,

She figures whether it's amphibians or crustaceans,

Their flesh tastes great as does their souls.