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Tuesday, March 31, 2020

THE MARSHMALLOW ELVES

Two marshmallows froze while polishing Santa's sleigh,
Santa warned them not to do it but, the marshmallows did it anyway,
To warm the marshmallows up quick,
Santa stuck them on a stick,
And, Santa had s'mores to snack on that day.

Monday, March 30, 2020

I PINE AND PINE FOR MY TREE

I pine and pine for my tree,
It was an oak that disease made soul free,
But, I loved it the most,
And, I yearn for its ghost,
To comfort and stand over me.

DAVY OF THE NAVY

There was  mouse I called Davy,
He kept chewing into my dry packs of gravy,
I told him I will get very rough, 
If he gets into my salty stuff,
So, Davy ran off to join a salt water navy.

I RESPECT THE COWS

I love cows because from them comes cheese,
Cows make my milk and scent my breeze,
Ode to the farm,
May the cows know no harm,
Except for the hind quarter I freeze.

Sunday, March 29, 2020

MY GOLDFISH IS A GOOD PET, NOT!

My goldfish is a nincompoop because poop is all he does,
Except he'll swim to the top of his bowel to eat a piece of fuzz,
I wish for a better pet than he,
For he does not comfort me,
He has no fluffy fur, he cannot pur or, love me just because.


I

BIG KEEPER FISH AND THE FUTURE

The big fish that are keepers,
Run in the waters that are deepers,
In the shallows you'll only find logs,
And, you'll catch two dollar frogs,
So, we are the reapers,
Of the cheap protein creepers,
So, tomorrow we eat our cats and our dogs.

Saturday, March 28, 2020

IN CAME THE WATER AND DOWN WENT THE FLOOR

I bought a trailer between a river and a lake,
The property flooded and I had water intake,
Finally, the water left out the door,
But, caved in went the floor,
Methinks my prop buy a mistake.

TRENDING TUNA FISH

On trending media I found my wish, 
It was a recipe for baked tuna fish,
With all the spices galore,
It was hot, hot;  I want more,
But, the hot spices dissolved the glass dish.

FOUR WITCHES, A BROOM AND A BEAR

Four witches fight over a broom,
They each want to take it zoom, zoom,
Then, along comes this bear,
He grabs the broom, holds it in a dare,
Then, he rides it off into the sunset vroom, vroom. 

Friday, March 27, 2020

DOG GONE UNICORN WILL BE MY HASH BROWNS RUIN

I just saw a unicorn skipping across the farm,
He went trespassing through my potato patch and did my taters harm,
The taters became hash,
And, only fries get me big cash,
Next time I'll get that unicorn when he trips my new alarm.



SPEED KILLED THE SNOWMAN

I ran over a snowman going too fast on my snowmobile,
I was sentenced to 1,000 snow days with no possible appeal,
So, I stayed home 1,000 days,
Watching television plays,
I also wrote a letter saying how ashamed I feel.

Thursday, March 26, 2020

BUY YOUR OWN SHOES

I was walking down the sidewalk and knocked over some paint,
This guy walks through it and happy he aint,
The guy shouts, "hey you!
You need to pay for two shoe,"
I shouts, "buy your own.  I'm no goody-two shoes saint."  

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

IT RAINED ON MY SNOWMAN ARMY PARADE

Down the rain kept coming and washed my snowman army all away,
I was going to invade the neighbor's rhubarb patch on the first full day of May,
With winter labors I made 
My snowmen on parade,
Now, I'll have to start over with clay.



FROSTBITE, MY WINTER FRIEND

Frostbite was my winter friend,
It made my fingers numb,
But, when I stayed out in the cold too long, 
My family called me dumb,

Now, frostbite has never derided me,
Nor, been real hostile to make me feel bad,
Just because I'm the only one who cannot ski,
Except for great, great, great, great granddad,

Now, frostbite caused me to lose an arm,
Along with both rows of toes,
When I was found they said I had about bought the farm,
Then, they cut off my puggy nose,

I'm not sure all that knifery was needed,
I'm not a doctor, I just love a good dare,
And, while cutting me cleanliness was not heeded,
So, I bid farewell for wellness I didn't fare.    

Tuesday, March 24, 2020

BE KIND, BEARS

I went out to the chicken coop and what beasts did I find,
Two great big bears and they were unkind.
They ate my rooster named Joe,
And, my favorite hen, Flo,
Then, upon my shocked face they did dine.



I ORDERED ONLINE AND I AIN'T DOING FINE

I stayed in place and ordered all of my stuff online,
I emptied the boxes that came now, there's nowhere to dine,
And,


My living room is filling,
I just hope providence is willing,
To save me a spot to drink wine.




THE MAGIC VOLES LIMERICKS

I went out in the snow and made a hole,
At the bottom of the hole there was a vole,
 The vole said, "you know voles are magic in Mich,
So, I'll grant just one wish," 
The vole wished he had hot soup in a bowl.

Voles can make magic and I met one that cursed me,
Now, I can't work with numbers because I can't count past three,
It gets better yet,
Don't know the alphabet,
Cursed voles make me ignorant free. 

The magic vole liked to play french horn, trumpet and flute,
In fact, he could play anything that made the noise of a toot,
He could beat on a drum,
Sing tenor and hum,
 And, when the police showed up he could scoot.

Monday, March 23, 2020

SAND FLEAS IN MY SANDBOX

I love to play in my sandbox but, my sandbox has sand fleas,
I've been chewed up by those fleas from my toes to my knees,
And, the fix is so grand, 
I have to replace all of the sand,
It's too much so, I'll just play in the trees.

MASTER OF THE ANT WARDROBE


I was the only maker of six-legged pants,
So, I owned the valley of the ants, 
To avoid a wardrobe disaster,
The ants made me their master,
And, my design for gym shorts has drawn rants. 

Sunday, March 22, 2020

DOES ANYONE HAVE CLEAN UNDERWARE?

Does anyone have clean underware?
Or, are they all soiled because TP is rare?
Of course it's best not roam,
But, just stay to home,
Where your friends and your family won't care?


WHERE ARE THE BLOOMING SPRING FLOWERS?

I went out looking for new blooming spring flowers,
All I came across were snow drifts and snow showers,
Although springtime is here,
The flowers I fear,
I will find them in weeks and not hours.

Saturday, March 21, 2020

I'M A DREAMER NOT A LOOSER limerick

Although I might be a poor choice chooser,
And, some would define my state to be looser,
But, I must protest,
Because I'm on a quest,
A dream quest so, I'm a snoozer.

I'VE GONE FERAL

I've gone feral, living in these woods, 
I really fit in with the feral brotherhoods,
I walk on all fours,
My paws won't open doors,
I eat only fresh meat not, dry goods.

Friday, March 20, 2020

I OVER SHELTERED IN PLACE

I was ordered to "shelter in place,"
Then, they cut the utilities at my shelter base,
So, there I quietly stayed,
For about a dcade,
When I left no one knew my old face.

ALONG CAME THE GRIZZLY BEAR

I had lots of pumpkins and bosc pears,
So, I fed them to the local bears,
Then, this grizzly comes along,
It ate the local bears; that's wrong!
Then, the grizzly ate my mule and mares. 

DON'T EVER SLEEP

When the world is oh, so scary,
Sleep becomes uncustomary,
For resting eyes, 
Bring on demise,
And, a permanent sleep in the cemetery.

THE CLAWS OF THE YETI

I walked into a mountain cave,
And, found the bones that would mark my grave,
Then, in walks a two-headed yeti with claws,
And, long sharp, teeth in both jaws,
And of course, it did me no good to be brave.   

WARPY, WARPY TIME MACHINE

Warpy, Warpy time machine,
Warp me to a place where I can clean,
Warp me not to a place of power,
Just warp to a place I can shower,
Warping makes one all guey-green

Thursday, March 19, 2020

POOCH ON A CAROUSEL HAIKU

Dog, pet, Pooch, fair, ride,
Up, down, pony, sick, barf, sick,
Carousel, No Dogs!


Wednesday, March 18, 2020

I WISH MY SIBLINGS WOULD SHOWER

I wish my siblings would take a shower,
I told them good hygiene would gain them friends and power,
My siblings' response was that "no one can tell,
On social media how a friend just might smell,
Most imagine their friend smells like a flower."

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

WHAT THE RAIN BROUGHT

The rain fell down on the road,
It froze: all wrecks were eventually towed,
Deep ditches I feared,
When the bottoms I neared,
I feared worse the repair bills I owed.
  

SOMEONE WAS MAKING LOVE IN MY OUTHOUSE

Someone was making love in my outhouse,
Don't know who it was cause I wasn't there,
Could of been a weasle, could have been a skunk,
Then again, it could of been a bear,

Someone was making love in my outhouse,
I know cause the gossip's all around,
Don't know who just started all the rumors,
Got a hunch it might be that old bluetick hound,

Guess I'll have to ask my next door neighbor,
Maybe I'll ask my darling wifey too,
They're always out fixing up the outhouse,
I guess their painting the interior blue.




COLLECTING COINS FOR UTILITY BILLS

When I was young at numismatics I was a wonder,
I went through pocket change looking for rare coins to plunder,
Alas, I grew up and those thrills,
Ended with utility bills,
Which ravaged my collection asunder.

Monday, March 16, 2020

A BANANA MUTED MY TOOT

My trumpet, I tried and tried to make toot,
It didn't work because it was stuffed with a fruit,
It seems my dear nanna,
Didn't like her banana,
The fruit fit my trumpet but not grandpa's flute.

WHEN IT COMES TO MONSTERS, DON'T COUNT ON PARROTS

You never know when monsters are going to get you while you sleep,
I taught my parrot to warn me by yelling "BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!"
Well, last night the monsters got me really, really bad,
They painted on me a clown face that looked so awfully sad,
And, what happened to my parrot who was supposed to go "BEEP, BEEP, BEEP,"
Apparently, he said, "to heck with this; I'm going to go to sleep."

Sunday, March 15, 2020

WHAT'S CORN GOT TO DO WITH IT?

I am in love but, I know scorn,
I am ignored like the never born,
Truly I must say,
Love hurts in that special way,
Like lacking teeth to chew up corn.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FREE CORN IN THE SNOW

Four ears of corn stuck out of the snow,
Two turkeys took it for a free eat & go,
But, the corn was just bait,
Owned by an eagle and mate,
In wait to unleash talon woe.

WHAT MY POT NEEDS

I can't go to the store, oh squat!
I need a pork roast for my pot,
Plague laws keep me here,
Where fresh meat's become dear,
And, I find canned meats tasty, Hell Not!


PREDICTIONS

Tuesday, there will be record cold
Wednesday, there will be plague,
Thursday, that's when the stock's are sold,
Friday's outlook is still quite vague.

Saturday, we all eat pie,
Sunday, no one gives a hoot,
Monday, we'll ask great spirit why?
Tuesday, "Taps"we''ll toot, toot, toot.

THE WINDCHILL, WINDCHILL GO AWAY LIMERICK

Windchill, windchill go away,
Or, I will freeze my face today,
I must shovel snow,
Or, I cannot go,
Ice fishing out on the bay.

MY SWEET AND CEASAR'S FEET

The Ides of March is oh so sweet,
And, I celebrate with a candy treat,
Of course, it's sad for poor Casear,
But, he was a hard pleaser,
And, I was the slave that had to keep clean Caesar's feet.

Saturday, March 14, 2020

WHAT THE FAMILY WANTS FROM THE GROCERY STORE

I went to the grocery store to buy burger and grits,
Then, I remembered my daughter wanted pimple cream for her zits,
My son wanted eggs and bacon,
Because his muscle development hasn't taken,
And, my wife wants some new oven mitts.

IT'S WHAT'S IN THE SYRUP THAT COUNTS WITH PANCAKES

I eat lots of pancakes which keeps me well fed,
I ran out of maple syrup so I used cough syrup instead,
The flavor made it a different dine,
It was like pancakes and wine,
I passed out and I awoke, wet to bed. 

VELCRO QUICK

I bought some shoes with Velcro stick,
It makes securing footwear so very quick,
Those long complicated shoelaces,
Would put me through my paces,
And, getting a bow to stay tied was some trick.

Friday, March 13, 2020

THE FANCY PET DUDE

I bought a fancy pet dog and bought him fancy pet food,
I now pretend to be a modern, fancy pet dude,
I chum with fancy pet owner friends,
It's a class of pretends,
Pretending a dog's business isn't crude.

THE HIGH PRICE OF PANCAKES

For five-hundred dollars I bought a pancake making machine,
I used the money I got from selling my precious spleen,
But, it required special flour shipped from Sydney,
So, I had to sell my favorite kidney,
And, give up the knighthood I received from the queen.

I HAVE CLIMATE CHANGE

My furnace died now, I have climate change,
I'm trying to survive in the lower temp range,
My environment is cold so, I made a fire,
But, the smoke made my breathing dire,
My head is cold because I have caught mange.

Thursday, March 12, 2020

WHAT FELL IN THE TREES STAYS IN THE TREES

Nobody knows what fell in the trees,
But, they say that my uncle crawled out on his knees,
Was there an alien race?
From deep outer space?
Or, did my uncle urinate on some bees?

LOVE AND THE GUILLOTINE

On my way to the guillotine, I found my one true love,
She was the one who washed the necks of those condemned by gov,
Although our romance was only chatter,
We shared the feelings that really matter,
And, we would meet at an all-you-can-eat restaurant up above. 

Wednesday, March 11, 2020

MY MASTODON HAD A RUNNY NOSE

My mastodon had a runny nose,
It had pressure like an in use fire hose,
The pressure knocked me head over heel,
It made my skin peal,
So, I capped the nose with reinforced pantie hose.
   

RABIES AND THE SNOWMAN

My snowman has rabies and he is unkind,
He threw snow in my face and made my eyes blind,
He had him some chew,
Spit tobacco on my shoe,
He bit me so now, I have rabies I find.

GROWING GOLD ON DIRTY DISHES

In my kitchen sink I've grown so much mold,
That I'd be rich if such stuff could be sold,
A mold garden might be one of those niches,
That will bring me great riches,
If my alchemy can turn mold to gold.

Tuesday, March 10, 2020

THE MICHIGAN PRIMARY: MY WORST FEAR CAME TRUE

I went to the Michigan primary and found my worst fear,
I was in line behind Santa, his sleigh, elves and, deer,
The elves and deer had big fight,
Over which candidate was right,
And, Santa's pipe made my eyes ache and tear.

MY EX AND SOCIAL DEATH

A split was what my ex and I  each thought that we would need,
To turn around our lives and then, with the relationship proceed,
I embraced meditation but, my ex did a different deed,
My ex gave false witness against my soul on their social media feed,
Now, I'm not welcomed anywhere for a coffee or a meade.

WHO ARE THE GNOMES?

Their burger buns are packed with stones,
They fill their tacos with only bones,
They make their bread,
Of the walking dead,
To us they're known as gnomes. 

Monday, March 9, 2020

THE STOCK MARKET CRASHES WHILE I EAT CORN BEEFY HASHES

When the stock market started to crash,
I opened a can of corn beefy hash,
I ate my troubles away,
Until, the end of today,
Then, I ran out of my corn beefy stash.

CHICKEN FEET ARE BARELY BETTER THAN CHICKEN FINGERS

I had some chicken fingers but, I should have had chicken feet,
Then, when that bear came along he would not have had me to eat,
My feet were defiant like a crows,
My feet stood firm to oppose, 
So, like chicken fingers I became just another meat.

MY PRETZEL PAST

In my pretzel past, I was an overeater,
I ate pretzel snacks with a pop, 1.5 liter,
With all the pretzels I ate,
I gained plenty of weight,
So, on planes I occupied a two-seater.

Sunday, March 8, 2020

BROKE BEAK PENGUIN

My penguin Ben came home with a broke beak,
He had a big fight with his cousin named Zeek,
They fought over a dead fish,
Ben said came from his tin dish,
My penguin Ben said his coz was a sneak.

TIME TRAVEL CAN HURT

When I climbed up into my old tree house I time traveled back thirty years,
When I fell through the rotting boards it brought back my childhood tears,
The pain was not just from falling,
But, the taunting voices calling,
Then, when I broke some bones the taunts roared into blissful cheers.

Saturday, March 7, 2020

DON'T FORGET THE SPRAY ON DAYLIGHT SAVINGS DAY

Daylight savings means workers lose one morning hour,
Most manage a breakfast but have no time for a shower,
So, I just embrace,
The smells of my working place,
And, use can spray with the scent of a flower.




PUMPKIN SUP, NOT!

I spied a pumpkin underneath a dead pine tree,
There was no one around so, I figured it was free,
I imagined it would be my sup,
It could feed my kids and pup,
Then, along comes a bear who claimed the orange meat was for he.

UNDER THE LAVA LAMP AFTER I DIED

When you die you're supposed to walk into the light,
I tried that but it was too hot and too bright,
So, I made me a camp,
By a real lava lamp,
Then, some ghouls stopped by for a bite.

SPRING SNOW AND THE PRIMROSE

I wondered where all of my primroses went,
They were under the snow some demon had sent,
Perhaps under my toes,
I crushed my yellow primrose,
Spring snow gives me reason to vent.

Friday, March 6, 2020

I WENT TO THE MOON TO PRACTICE

I went to the moon where I could find a great vacant land,
Where the neighbors couldn't complain when I pretend I'm in band,
Where I can make a big tone,
On my terror trombone,
And, the police don't take me off to be canned.

THE IDES OF MARCH COMETH THEN, COMETH REVENGE

The Idea of March cometh soon in the year,
That's when dear Brutus gifted Caesar a tear,
Because he thought Caesar was wrong,
Brutus joined the stab along,
But, Brutus cringed seeing Caesar's heir carried a spear.

Thursday, March 5, 2020

GOAT CHEESE AND MY PRIMARY EXPECTATIONS

I went to the primary to cast my vote,
There I learned my candidate was no longer afloat,
So, I voted with a snore,
Glad I found the exit door,
Then, I went home and made cheese with the goat.

Wednesday, March 4, 2020

DING DING AND THE SUPER STRING THEORY OF EVERYTHING

I thought I'd test out a string theory,
But, I have no super collider to aid my querry,
So, I got me some string,
From my kitty, Ding Ding,
My methods make my peers rather weary.

I'M THE BOTTOM TO TEACHER'S CURVE

I am proud that teach says I always pull the low score,
Well, he grades on a curve so I sacrifice for the more,
When teacher's trick questions unnerve,
I collapse downward his curve,
Of course, many years I have crossed teacher's door.

PAY TO CHEW

There's a cute little blue jay eating in the tree,  
He's chewing on some suet that I left up there for free,
I wonder if it's a crime, 
If I asked that bird for just a dime,
My money is so dear that, it's a meal for him or me.




I SWAM 3 METERS

I swam 3 meters and sank down 4,
If I hadn't stopped swimming I would have sunk down more,
Of course, I'm a human,
I'm not a fish,
And, swimming makes my human parts feel very sore.

Tuesday, March 3, 2020

A JOB OR A DITCH, I MUST CHOOSE WHICH

Slushy snow is all I know and, the world has turned to ice,
On icy roads I cannot go for my tires have caught ditches thrice,
I'll soon be on skidrow,
If I pay for one more tow,
But, if I skip work I'll suffer woe since my boss is not so nice.

I FLIP CAKES FOR MONEY

 I flip pancakes for some money,
I top the cakes with eggs all runny,
Then, later in the day,
I flip burgers for some pay,
At last, I stretch

Monday, March 2, 2020

WHY DO I WORK FOR LITTLE PAY AND "GO, GO, GO!"

"Why are the stakes so high when the pay is so very low?"
That's exactly what I stated when I was told to, "go, go, go!"
My boss said my frustration,
Added to his exhilaration,
And, also caused his big bonus to "grow, grow, grow!"