Follow Me On Twitter
Leigh Collin Brandt

Translate

Search This Blog

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

ODE TO JERRY THE SNOW TURTLE

Jerry was a snow turtle,
He did not like the sun,
It was only in the winter,
That Jerry had any fun,

Jerry liked to snowboard,
He liked to downhill ski,
Jerry’s shell was completely white,
This made him hard to see,

Once when racing downhill,
With five snowboarders on his tail,
Jerry had a dreaded spill,
And was chopped up like first class mail,

Everyone mourned the loss,
Of the turtle who could ski a loop,
For on the slopes he was the boss,
In the kitchen he’s turtle soup.

Monday, December 29, 2014

THERE WAS NO SNOW FOR CHRISTMAS

There was no snow for Christmas,
Nor, snow for New Year's as well,
And, living in Northern Michigan,
It's been a type of snow-less hell,

There's no snow on the ski slope,
Nor, on the toboggan run,
There's no snow on the snowmobile trail,
In winter, no snow equals no fun,

Of course you can go ice skating,
And, fall and crack your bones,
You can also go ice fishing,
And, get frostbite on your scones,

But, a snow fortress you cannot build,
Nor, a snowman can you roll,
You can't track animals you've shot and killed,
Nor, make snow angels with arms and soul,

You see a winter that has no snow,
Is like a car that has no gas,
It's like Santa's lost his "Ho, Ho,"
When Old Man Winter takes a pass.

TRY NOT TO SLEEP SO MUCH THIS YEAR

Try not to sleep so much this year,
For each hour you snore you're end draws near,
Better stay mostly awake,
All the awake you can take,
For at the end awake time is dear.  

Sunday, December 28, 2014

I WON'T FORGIVE THAT GNOME

There was a pipe smoking gnome,
He carelessly burned down my home,
They say "live and let live,"
But, I can't forgive,
I'd like to bop him right on his dome.

AMADEOUS THE SKUNK

Amadeus the skunk left his scent in the air,
Everyone disliked it but he seemed not to care,
One day while all alone,
Amadeus began to moan,
Pining for friends that just were not there.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

LENNY THE CHRISTMAS GOOSE

Lenny was a Christmas goose,
He was hunted while on the loose,
He did not get shot,
And, end up in a pot,
Because he died his feathers chartreuse

Friday, December 26, 2014

MY PET SKUNK AMADEOUS

My girl and I had a pet skunk named Amadeus
Whenever he’d see us he couldn't help but to spray us,
We did nothing wrong,
To get a taste of his spray bong,
When we’d see him coming our sense of smell became chaos.



Thursday, December 25, 2014

WE WERE NOT GOOD: SORRY SANTA POEM

I HUNG UP MY SOCKS

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.







Wednesday, December 24, 2014

BECAUSE THE CHRISTMAS PIGS HAD RUN AWAY LIMERICK

Because all the Christmas pigs had run away,
We had to eat tuna fish on Christmas day,
And, from my family there was no praise,
We didn't have mayonnaise,
Should have had TV dinners with a plastic tray. 


Tuesday, December 23, 2014

MY DRIP COFFEE MAKER DRIPS NO MORE

My drip coffee maker drips no more,
It's a Holiday so I can't get to a store,
The world is looking fuzzy,
Without my coffee buzzy,
I think I will pass out and fall on the floor.

 

Monday, December 22, 2014

A HAIKU FOR CHRISTMAS

Christmas day brings joy,
Family and Friends visit,
Children open gifts,

Good cheer to mankind,
Good thoughts to keep close all year,
Don't forget mankind.



Sunday, December 21, 2014

I HUNG UP MY SOCKS FOR SANTA

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.







Saturday, December 20, 2014

CHRISTMAS EVE AND REINDEER STEVE

Again it is now Christmas Eve,
Santa’s ride depends on reindeer Steve,
Steve is the official weather reindeer,
But, he has drank too much beer,
Let’s hope his sobriety he’ll retrieve.

Friday, December 19, 2014

THE PSYCHIC POWERS OF GRAPE JUICE

There was a psychic named Dottie Mapes,
She got her powers from the vine of grapes,
When she indulged she'd see such shapes,
Some were human and some were apes,

Sometimes her visions were just plain silly,
Like the monkey she saw named Colonel Willy,
He appeared wearing a Confederate hat,
He had a corn cob pipe and a baseball bat,

Willie liked to play checkers 'till morning,
Like most ghosts he'd be gone with no warning,
Grape juice, it seems, is not good for MS Mapes,
She'd best stick with juice not made out of grapes.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

TROLLNG FOR MONSTERS WAY OUT IN THE BAY

I was trolling for monsters way out in the bay,
I thought I had caught one when my line spooled away,
But, it was negative rub,
When up came the sub,
Then, the sub dove and I followed, good day.

I was trolling for monsters way out in the bay, 
Then, a big one swallowed me and my boat all the way,
My mind was real dizzy,
As I was digested in fizzy,
Now, as poop on the bottom I lay.

I was trolling for monsters way out in the bay,
When I fell in love with a monster some fishermen say,
Our first hatched we named Barry,
Was both scaly and hairy,
Married a walrus and moved to LA.





  



 

A LIMERICK OF LYNN (THE WALRUS)

There once was a walrus named Lynn,
She couldn’t fit through her door when open,
So, she stuck dynamite,
By her belly so tight,
Now, she’s missed by her kith and her kin.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

SANTA'S SALTINE COOKIES

Bob Roy had no time to bake,
Any Christmas cookies for Santa’s sake,
Bob Roy had frosting in a can but, no backers,
So, Bob Roy spread the caned frosting on saltine crackers,

When Santa came down Bob Roy’s wood-stove pipe,
He was covered with soot and had to wipe,
When Santa was done he looked for his traditional eats,
His glass of fresh milk and homemade cookie treats,

Now, Santa had brought Bob Roy something real nice,
It was a homemade jerky maker complete with jerky spice,
Old Santa’s belly needed some food and growled like a bear,
Then Santa found his gift snack but, could not believe what was there,

On the table surrounded with decorations ornate,
Sat many colored saltine crackers on a cookie plate,
Santa was hungry and could not hesitate,
So, all the frosted saltine crackers Santa downed away straight,

The saltines were dry so Santa guzzled down his milk,
Then he wondered what kind of people? What kind of ilk?
Would substitute saltine crackers for cookies anyway?
But, Santa knew he had to get back to his sleigh,

Santa left Bob Roy the jerky maker so Bob Roy would be happy,
Then, up the stove pipe Santa took off feeling kind of sappy,
In exchange for a jerky make complete with jerky maker spice,
Santa got saltine crackers and he thought he itched a bit with lice.







Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Monday, December 15, 2014

JIM'S HOMEMADE PIZZA

Jim's homemade pizza didn't taste so good,
It tasted like fungus on wet firewood,
It was outhouse-like smelly,
And, made sharp pains in Jim's belly,
It seems the recipe Jim misunderstood.

MY RICH UNCLE BOUGHT AN IMMORTALITY MACHINE

My rich uncle bought an immortality machine,
I am sure that he did so because he is mean,
My inheritance is gone,
And, all my stuff I must pawn,
While my uncle lives forever it would seem,

I HAD TROUBLE ON MT. DOUBLE BUBBLE

I tried to climb Mt. Double Bubble,
It was not long till I had trouble,
The sides were too steep,
The river below was real deep,
But, I missed the river and landed on rubble.

Falling down Mt. Double Bubble real fast,
I didn't see my future but, only my past,
I seldom behaved real good,
I stole and lied when I could,
If I'm lucky I'll end up in cast.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

I LOST BECAUSE THE DEALER DID NOT TELL

I thought the card dealer had a striking tell,
When his cards were really good his nostrils would swell,
His nostrils swelled big as his head,
I went all in like the tell said,
I lost to a spades straight flush from hell!

Saturday, December 13, 2014

THAT GNOME GAVE ME RABIES

I went to the woods to find firewood for home,
There I met a mean, nasty, evil old gnome,
I'm not sure which was worse,
His bite or his curse,
I got rabies and my mouth is starting to foam.

Friday, December 12, 2014

MY DIESEL TRUCK: THE CAUSE OF ALL MY PROBLEMS

I have a truck that’s a diesel and it don’t want to go,
Diesel fuel gets real sticky in the cold and the snow,
I’ll be late for my job,
I’ll be an unemployed slob,
I’d of bought a regular gas truck if only I’d know.

My diesel truck made me so late for work,
I was summarily fired by the boss, who’s a jerk,
Unemployed I and upset be,
My girl friend left me,
Now with not hope my mind is berserk.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

MY INTERNET SLOW CONNECTION LIMERICK

My internet connection is so slow,
Because I’m cheap I suffer this woe,
Phone line connections just stink,
They’ve brought my nerves to the brink,
I think I’ll just signoff and go.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

JIM SLIPPED AND FELL ON SOME ICE

Jim slipped and fell on some ice,
Ground contact did not feel real nice,
When he got to his feet,
He felt a pain in his seat,
In his back pocket was a key chain device.


Tuesday, December 9, 2014

MY BAGEL LACKED CREAM CHEESE LIMERICK

My bagel was lacking cream cheese,
I had specified the "CC" and said "please,"
But, I got a cheddar cheese stacking,
Plus, the butter was lacking,
And, too much garlic put me in a wheeze.


GNOMES GET NO SYMPATHY FROM ME

I cannot get myself to write a poem,
That is sympathetic to a garden gnome,
Every gnome is so mean,
And, their cloths they don't clean,
After all day in the garden they roam.

Monday, December 8, 2014

I GAVE MY GOLDFISH FOOD LIMERICK

I gave my goldfish a dash of fish food,
But, I didn't measure it so, guess what dude?
Although my goldfish is fed,
He is all puffy and dead,
And, a toilet funeral seems awfully rude.

THE WHY I DON'T EAT FRESH STUFF LIMERICKS

I BOUGHT A PEAR
Rob bought a pear with a real big bad spot,
When he bit into it it was all full of rot,
Rob ate the pear to the core,
Then, His innards got soar,

And, He spent the rest of the day on his cot.

 IMAGINATION AND DIET  

I ate nothing but veggies at every meal,
Although such flavors lack all appeal,
So, I imagined I was eating steak,
Followed by frosted cream cheese cake,
And, I gained 50 pounds, what's the deal?

 

Sunday, December 7, 2014

SUE'S MUTINY AT SEA LIMERICK

There once was a sailor named Sue,
She planed  a mutiny at just half past two,
When the officers surrendered,
She had them dismembered,
And, fed the arms and legs to the crew.

MY TREK ACROSS THE UNIVERSE




I had a little spaceship,
But, It did not travel far,
It launched sideways thirty feet,
And, was run over by a car,


My space travels were never great,
I never made it to distant stars,
My trek across this universe,
Has been in trains, boats, planes and cars. 

 

Saturday, December 6, 2014

BARRY BAKED A BACK ACHE

After baking all day in the bakery where he'd bake,
Barry went home with a horrific back ache,
He bought an expensive new bed,
So, he could sleep like the dead,
But, the lumpy mattress kept poor Barry awake.

Friday, December 5, 2014

BEWARE THE GNOMES

If you walk by a house with gnomes in the yard,
Then you'd better walk faster and be on your guard,
For gnomes have but one goal,
It is to steal your poor soul,
And, eat your flesh which they cook till it's chard.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

MY LAZY LASER-PRINTER

My laser-printer is so lazy,
It's copies come out looking crazy,
I'm not really sure
Of a laser print cure,
Maybe, an ink-jet printer's a daisy.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

I DEEMED MY BEER NUTS TO BE FAULTY

I deemed my beer nuts to be faulty,
They were not sweet but were salty,
My nuts in the bag,
Had a misleading tag,
So my snack time I put on halty.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

SANTA PICKS HIS TEETH LIMERICK

Santa ran out of fish bones and he couldn't pick his teeth,
So, he pulled out some needles from a Christmas pine wreath,  
But, Santa had acidic spittle,
Which made the pine needles brittle,
And, they wouldn't dig out the food underneath.


SKIP WINTER LIMERICK

I'm sitting on needles and pins,
For, today old winter begins,
It just is so wrong,
That winter's so long,
Why not skip it then everyone wins.

ODE TO THE MAILMAN LIMERICK

Way down below Fahrenheit zero,
That's when the mailman becomes my hero,
Though the snow may ceaseless blow,
The mail will always go,
Astounding, for a government bureau.

 

Monday, December 1, 2014