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Leigh Collin Brandt

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Thursday, May 31, 2018

FAKE ANTIQUES AND THE MAIL

Late last night they took me to jail,
For selling fake antiques via the mail,
So, I sat there for hours,
Beneath the watch of guard towers,
Until, my step-brother posted my bail.

AUF WIEDERSEHEN TO MAY

Auf Wiedersehen to May,
While a volcano spits away,
And, the suns getting hotter,
Dried ponds for the otter,
While polar bears move onto the clay,

Auf Wiedersehen to May,
The glaciers slide into the bay,
Migrationers don't fly,
And, the west lands go dry,
May June bring a much wetter day.


Wednesday, May 30, 2018

THE WET WHISTLE FISHERMAN

My whistle was wet but, my fishing gear was all dry,
For I fell overboard when my aft turned awry,
Of course it was not a good day,
For my boat sailed away,
And, a shark ate me like a side order fry.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

THE FOUR ALARM FARM FIRE

In the general vicinity of the farm,
A fire broke out, four alarm,
The potatoes got baked,
The corn stalks were coal caked,
But, the livestock suffered no harm.

Monday, May 28, 2018

DAD'S RECOLLECTION OF HIS FATHER AT WAR

My grandfather fought in World War One,
He got gassed by the Germans and found out that war was not fun,
 And, for twenty-one days,
In the war's horrendous haze,  
"He was behind enemy lines," said his son.  

Saturday, May 26, 2018

BUNYAN WENT SPITTING FROM THE MITTEN

Overtures to the waters that surround the great mitten,
For across these waters Paul Bunyan went spittin',
But, Bunyan spit way too far,
Hit the Dutch Royal Car,
It's good it weren't baseballs he was hittin'.

Friday, May 25, 2018

THE DIVINE LOOKING EDGES

I dreamed I had a haircut and my beard was cut so fine,
I got compliments for neatness by those not drinking beer nor wine, 
But, what is a dream?
Just a play with no scheme,
Besides, looking rough around the edges is divine.

WHERE I GO PERCHING

Murky is the water where I catch my perch,
It's just a drainage ditch out near the canyon's old stone church,
It isn't all that far,
Driving out there with my car,
But, there's no phone so trouble could leave me in a lurch. 

Thursday, May 24, 2018

THE SINKING TURTLE DREAM

With too much water, he might drink,
A little turtle just might sink,
And, while diving deep,
He just might sleep,
And, dream of seaweed that is pink. 

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

THE HOEDOWN WEDDING BLUES

The fiddle played high and the banjo went low,
The five string guitar strummed an off key doe,
And, the drums sounded wrong,
The beat for another song,
It was a hoedown wedding that was lacking it's HOE,

Hopefully, the hoedown wedding will not the marriage define,
For instead of serving beer we got an herbal green tea wine,
And, for bathrooms we needed more,
In the corners; damp was the floor,
Avoiding this hoedown was a choice I grew to pine,

Finally, the music ended and the guests all went away,
The band thought they played splendid as they collected up their pay, 
I wished the couple well as they drove off toward the moon,
I stayed to help with cleanup so the hall could lockup soon,
Another successful hoedown wedding; as for the marriage we must prey.   

Monday, May 21, 2018

HEAT THE TUNA WELL BEFORE YOU POUCH IT

Oh, that poor little fish in my pouch tuna treat,
You see, I eat fish everyday and I never eat meat,
But, while in my stomach lying,
That last tuna was really crying,
Methinks, when processed the tuna didn't get enough heat.

 

Sunday, May 20, 2018

OUTHOUSE PHILOSOPHY

As they gaze out their outhouse portal,
Many people dream of being immortal,
But, a firm rap on the door,
And, you wish you could stay more,
And, knowing your place in the world makes you chortle.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

ANTIQUE UNDERGARMENTS FOR SALE

I saw some claiming to be antique pickers,
Buying up twelfth century knickers,
But, pickers should curtail,
Their penchant for resale,
Or, display black plague warnings on stickers.

Friday, May 18, 2018

THE SEASON OF MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL

The season is short and the leggings are tall,
The hot dogs are tainted so hot sauce them all,
And, I'll fight for my seat,
Where I can both see and can eat,
It's the season for Minor League Ball,

And, everyone knows when the villain is here,
He's moves around too much and knocks over your beer,
Of course, he does not stop,
For he knocks over mom's pop,
He's a creep but, he's also my peer,

My team last season didn't do well at all,
So poorly, their stats I do not recall,
But, I don't dwell on their past,
For that time is cast,
At least until their playoffs in the fall.

ALIENS RE-FABRICATED MY BRAINS

There was a pair of alien probes,
They attached themselves to my earlobes,
Then, they probes re-fabricated my brain,
Leaving me legally insane,
While they hung as just plain silver globes.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

THE TAXIDERMIST LIMERICK

In the North there was a man who did taxidermy,
He resurrected his critters before the pelts got all wormy,
Some thought he was nuts,
Because he cooked up the guts,
And, made sausage that was hot and real squirmy.  

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

THE MORAL MUSHROOM RHYME

What flavor is the mushroom?
Methinks the mushroom flavor bold,
What value is the flavor?
For morals it's sterling and gold,

Moral mushroom festivals are charming,
But, in the deep timbers where mushrooms are found,
Trespassers find it harming,
And, they often fertilize the ground,

So, if you go moral hunting,
Best take a bit of care,
Or better, take a twelve-gauge,
For the claim jumpers and bear.



FLOWERS FOR THE HUT

I found a flower on the back of my place,
It was so pretty looking most like white lace,
It was too pretty to cut,
To class up my crud hut,
So, dandelions dress up my home base.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

ROOMS IN THE MIST

Wanting more like Oliver Twist
I keep mushroom hunts on my to do list,
But, no mushrooms, so sad, 
I guess the soil's gone real bad,
Still, I'll keep hunting mushrooms in the early morn mist. 

A CANTERBURY JAIL

I went to Canterbury and ended up in the jail,
I was considered disorderly and had no money for bail,
And there, the not friendly I met,
Who were too non-normal to vet,
Methinks, they were pirates all ready to sail.

Monday, May 14, 2018

HOW TO PREPARE OLIVE FLAVORED TOMATOS

My tomato is not very sweet,
It tastes like olive in the meat,
But, hamburger will help,
Then, no partaker will yelp,
And, I'll stuff it all in a bacon wrapped, deep fat fried pickled beet.

JIM'S NEW ABODE

Jim is very poor at driving down the road,
He swerved his car because he thought he saw a toad,
Jim swerved into the other lane,
Where a semi caused him pain,
Then, a hospital became Jimmy's new abode. 

Sunday, May 13, 2018

MOTHER'S DAY LIMERICK

Mother's Day oh, Mother's Day,
More than flowers for mothers in May,
For all we conceive,
And, all we achieve,
We celebrate those who created the way.

Saturday, May 12, 2018

THE WATER WONDER KIN

As I was walking in the rain,
On the sidewalk white and plain,
The water ran into the drain,
And, I thought that it was just insane,

All that water around my feet,
Draining in rivers down the street, 
Could be sent to places with bone dry heat,
Then, I forgot such thoughts for it was time to eat.  

Friday, May 11, 2018

MA'S DAY IN THE BACKWOODS

In the backwoods it's Mother's Day,
But, that's no time for ma to play,
Her family has got to eat,
So, prepare the mince meat,
With side pork and greens pulled from clay.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

GRANDMA'S PORCELAIN RABBIT

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor,
It scattered pieces from the TV to the door,
The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase,
But, I think I'll not replace,
I'll use the money to buy a pizza, ...toppings four.

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

ELVES IN DETROIT

Wayland the Smith was the king of all elves,
He worked in Detroit making pistons and valves,
He got tired one day,
From his hard work at low pay,
So, he led his ilk to make cars for themselves.



Tuesday, May 8, 2018

THE ELEVATION OF FEET


Hurrah feet for the load you're bearing,
Alas, tender are the feet I'm wearing,
Of course I'm a big winier,
But, my feet fit well the recliner,
So, off the floor my feet I'm chairing.

Monday, May 7, 2018

THE CAVE OF GENTLE BEN, NOT!

Methinks that I heard a wren,
As I passed a forest glen,
Then, I got brave,
So, I entered a cave,
And found a bear, not Gentle Ben!

THE PLIGHT OF URINAL WHITE

I painted the bathroom wall,
When I got to the urinal stall,
Because of the family's poor eyesight,
I didn't match the paint with urinal white,
Fearing in a week it wouldn't look good at all.

Sunday, May 6, 2018

LOCKLIEL SHOULD NOT PLAY TRUMPET

Lockliel played the trumpet from end to end hour,
The more that he played the less his money shower,
And, one wonderful day,
The police took Lockliel away,
Then, silence was testimony to his power. 

WHAT I'VE DONE SINCE HIGH SCHOOL

From my burgers grease is dripping,
At the fast food place I'm burger flipping,

It's been my lifelong career,
Due to my counselor's stear,
And, the teachers I spent my time ripping.

BATTERY ACID DONE ME HARM

Battery acid does great harm,
It burned a scar across my arm,
It burned a hole in my tongue and cheek,
What relief did I seek?,

Of course water scored,
After an intake I out poured,
And, the aftertaste was most vial,
I would not recommend a trial,

So, when battery acid leaks I've learned,
Dilute the acid or worsen what's burned,
Of course I've embellished so, saith the cynic,
Yet, I have proof in my bills from the Mayo Clinic.

Saturday, May 5, 2018

THE SWARM OF THE BEES

I never knew just what was coming,
All I heard was just the humming,
Then, out of the breeze,
Came ten million bees,
 Although, I might have erred while I was summing.

FALSE TEETH IN A JAR

I placed my false teeth in a large mason jar,
To avoid damage during my fight at the bar,
But, bad luck comes as it must,
My jarred teeth got a bust,
And, scattered from the dance floor to the car. 

Friday, May 4, 2018

A PARACHUTE NOT PROPERLY WIRED

When his airplane engine expired,
Duke the aviator quickly retired,
He took a nosedive,
One he did not survive,
Seems his parachute was not properly wired.

THE PARENTS OF A TV FLY

We're the parents of a TV fly,
When we see him cross the tube it makes us cry,
We're afraid he'll be a rotter,
After a hit with a fly swatter,
It's much safer crossing a toilet or a pie.

Thursday, May 3, 2018

BINGE EATING MY DEPRESSION AWAY

I've ceased watching all cooking shows,
Because, when I watch my waste line grows and grows,
I sold cooking utensils so dear,
It made my depression severe,
So, I binge ate myself out of my cloths.



Wednesday, May 2, 2018

TUNES, LUNCH MOWING AND THE LUNCH DEITY LIMERICK

When I went out to mow my sod,
In my ear I stuck my pod,
I quenched my brain with tunes,
Turned my grasslands to dunes,
Then, went in to worship my lunch god.


Tuesday, May 1, 2018

MY ZAG AND MY ZIG AND MY JAZZ HARP GIG

I agreed with the highway when I made the zig,
But, I'm afraid my zag was a mile too big,
So, my jeep made a roll,
I split body from soul,
Now, I play jazz harp when I get a gig.