THE WEREWOLF, CHAMOMILE TEA AND DILL FLAVORED SNACK CRACKERS

I was traveling through the wicked woods,
On my way to the store to buy dry goods,
When a fierce werewolf stood in my way,
I forgot the moon was full and it was not day,

But, on my mistake I did not ponder,
I ran to my cabin way back yonder,
And, although I made it through the door,
The werewolf pinned me to the floor,

I looked for my shotgun but it was in pieces,
I forgot it had been played with by my little nieces,
I said to the werewolf " you don't want to eat me",
I live on dill flavored snack crackers and chamomile tea,

"I'm afraid that you will never saviour"
"Chamomile tea and dill snack cracker flavor,"
So, into the woods the werewolf stole away,
For only bacon flavored snack crackers made his taste buds go yeah!

SPOOKY CHRISTMAS

  In the chimney hobgoblins appeared,

The Christmas tree, now looks really weird,

I got a message from Claus,

At my home, he won't pause,

Last time two reindeer disappeared.

TURTLE SOUP, LIZARDS, SNAKES AND BUGS DANCING THE HULA-HOOP

I could not find a turtle for my turtle soup,
So, I went out to see what crawled on my front stoop,
I found a green lizard,
A snake with a gizzard,
And, four bugs danced a mean hula-hoop.

SANTA, BELLS AND BATTERIES

Santa had to buy brand new batteries, to make his big sleigh bells ring,

But, the elves stole the batteries for karaoke, because elves like to sing,

So, Santa's long fight,

Was one dreary night,

With the reindeer all singing "Ding, Ding....".

A LIMERICK OF LYNN (THE WALRUS)

There once was a walrus named Lynn,
She couldn’t fit through her door when open,
So, she stuck dynamite,
By her belly so tight,
Now, she’s missed by her kith and her kin.

121823

THE BEAST RUINED OUR CHRISTMAS FEAST

I chopped some firewood to cook the beast,

It was the main course at our Christmas feast,

But the beast was not dead,

It bit off my head,

That was the scenario I planned for, the least.

JOHNNY BANGS ON THE WALL

Johnny, Johnny you bang on the wall,
Are you an animal hearing the animal call,
Your neighbors next door,
Find no peace from your roar,
Have you no compassion at all?

DON'T LOOK, IT'S ANTHROPOCENE

I've heard I live in an epoch called anthropocene,

I looked for dinosaurs, but none have I seen,

I guess it's human caused,

And not easily paused,

I just hope snails won't grow big, and turn mean.

NINE GUMS HIS PENCILS

I had a good buddy they called Nine Times Ten,

He did math with a pencil, and never used pen,

He was good with his math sums,

Chewed his pencil with his gums,

Nine lost his teeth; fisted by big brother Glen.

SLEIGH BELLS AND COOKIE

Cookie was Santa's favorite reindeer,

She always had a joke, and was full of good cheer,

And every year,

She'd load the sled gear,

And, licked clean Santa's bells, so they were easy to hear.

YELLOW POISONOUS SPIDER LIMERICK AND POEM

A big yellow spider bit me on the head,
It hurt so bad and puffed up really red,
Then, I felt really, really strange,
I looked in a mirror and saw a change,
Not a human; a yellow spider instead.

Yellow spider don't make me cry,
Don't bite my foot, don't bite my thigh,
I'm really quite a descent guy,
I'll be better and won't go awry,
I really need a relieving sigh,

Please don't bite me and make me die.

A LAXATIVE AND THE THROWN

Poor old Professor Max,

He consumed way too much lax,

He is stuck to his thrown,

Calling for help on his phone,

While his bowels play Yackety Sax.

BILLS, AND I GO HUNGRY

I found some cereal for breakfast, but it was not very good,

 Eleven years old, and it ate like spongy wood,

My pantry has a restock need,

But, bill collectors have greater greed,

They would take my gold fillings, if they thought they could.

LESTER TRAINED TO PLAY THE TRUMPET

Lester was trained to play the trumpet,
He could only play slow, and couldn’t hump it,
Only fast music could please,
All the dance party sleaze,
Lester then took his trumpet to dump it.

SANTA'S KANGAROO

There is a kangaroo named Pam,
She works for Santa and makes his jam,
When jam making wanes,
She makes candy canes,
On Christmas Day she glazes the ham.

TWINS AND THE LITTER BOX

I bought twin kittens that came as a set,

I figured they would be like having one pet,

But, one drank only lemon tea,

The other drank only coffee,

Of course, the litter box they'd ignore or forget.

MY SHOWER ROPE WAS EMPTY

Mason used up all the soap,

So, all I had was an empty rope,

So, I used up his shampoo,

Got even, true,

Now, he won't be telling ma, that I'm just a stupid dope.

DENNY USED THE PUBLIC POOL

Dennis used the public pool, and got a really bad disease,

It cost a fortune to treat it, with creams and doctor's fees, 

Once Denny felt again, fine,

He went out to drink and dine,

When he went to use the public toilet, his wife just thought "oh geez".

HUMAN REMAINS FOUND IN A GIANT SQUARTOL FOSSIL

Tony thought he was immortal,

Because he found a time-warp portal,

Tony traveled way, way back,

But, good coordinates, he did lack,

Tony ended up in the stomach of squartol. 🐿

Definition:  A squartol is an extinct 8 meter long prehistoric beast, resembling a squirrel, and known for consuming time travelers.

THE BALLAD OF DARREN AND KARREN MAILBOXES

There was a big mailbox named Darren,
A box down the street was named Karen,
Without a push or a shove,
They could never find love,
So, their hearts would always be barren.

Darren was a mailbox,
He loved Karen down the street,
Although their hearts were locked in love,
Their posts were in concrete.

TRUCK WITH BALD TIRES HAIKU

Truck has bald tires,
Too expensive to replace,
The ditch is not bad.

BEDBUG LIMERICK, HAIKU AND, POEM

BEDBUG LIMERICK
Jason found some bed bugs that were sucking on his knee,
He picked them off one at a time and let each bug go free,
George visited Jason at his house,
George brought bugs home to his spouse,
Bed bugs suck anyone’s blood and spread real easily.

BEDBUG HAIKU
Bedbugs bad suck blood,
Burn the cloths. Burn the beds too,
Nature’s nastiest.

BEDBUG POEM
You’ve never lived through a terrifying storm,
Until you’ve lived to watch the bedbugs swarm,
They race towards you because your blood is warm,
This is the lot you’ll face in a college dorm,

Bedbugs drink your blood and could not be meaner,
As your blood flows out you will become leaner,
Their bloodsucking jaws could not look obscener,
You just wish your roommate had been a bit cleaner,

Bedbugs, bedbugs in the very dark of night,
Causing all this mayhem and excessive fright,
As to your new digs just you don’t get too tight,
Cause we’re bringing them down with homemade dynamite.

MY CHEERFUL HELLO LIMERICK

I say a cheerful hello ten times everyday,

But, the reactions leave me in a state of dismay,

Words and hand gestures I can't say,

An occasional backside display,

I guess being cheerful is a job with no pay.

 

WHERE THE BAD THINGS ARE

I was in a dark, damp forest from times of yore, 

Monsters and man eating plants were in trees, and on the floor,

But, I was aback taken,

When I found me some bacon,

Then I slammed closed the refrigerator door.

I'M WORKING CHRISTMAS DAY

So my boss can island trip far away,

I have go to work on this Christmas Day,

I have to be like a cop,

And guard the pawn shop,

So no one breaks in, takes stuff, and not pay.

I WON'T BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS

I checked the long range forecast, and it does not look very fine,

I won't be home again for Christmas, and this makes it number nine,

I'll miss the spiral ham,

Glazed by grandma Bam,

And grandpa Bam is severely old, and his health in steep decline.

SLEEPERS EAT CAKE

When in the afternoon my nap I take,
I end up sleep eating a half of cake,
I've searched my soul,
Why I don't eat the whole?
My reason:  only every other day I bake.

MY PITBULL THE RASCAL

My pitbull, The Rascal, he chewed off my arm,

Then, he carried it around like it was his lucky charm,

I refuse now to cook,

On account of my hook,

Rascal gets meals from the neighboring farm.

HOW TO MAKE LIMERICK PIE

In order to make limerick pie,
You must kiss a tadpole on the eye,
There’s rhyme, but no reason,
They are for the ear pleasin’
It’s stupid, so just don’t ask why?

THE WOOD WHITTLER

Tiberius played the trombone everyday,

He inherited it from his Aunt May,

He would have sounded good,

But his bone was made of wood,

For Aunt May would whittle wood, and whittled wood away.

LITTLE THIEF EDGAR

Little thief Edgar stole things starting with the letter "T"

Be it a trinket, trombone, tether ball or TV,

The item's value he didn't care,

He stole for the dare,

But thieving led him to profitability.
 

TERRY HAD TINY TOES

Terry had really tiny toes,
And every winter they got froze,
No winter sports,
He played inside on courts,
But, every spring outside he goes.

A FOGGY CHRISTMAS DAY + HAM

It was a very foggy Christmas Day,

I let the dog out in the snow to play,

He made a snowman,

Peed on my new van,

My ham turned out delicious, most say.🍖🐖

METER MARY WENT TO MARS

Meter Mary went to mars,

To setup meters for future cars,

Parking for free,

Meter Mary couldn't see,

Anywhere there are planets or stars.

LITTLE FISH UNDER MY DOCK

Little fish playing under my dock,
With a hook and a worm you'll make my lunch rock,
I know you can see,
The worm luring thee,
Come grab it and I'll clean your fish clock!

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CHRISTMAS MARCHING BAND

The marching band marched down the street Christmas Day,

Along came a polar blast that blew them away,

Cold became their noses,

Then they froze in their poses,

Most were found two towns over, one sunny spring day.

I SHAVED MY HEAD AND GOT TO THE POINT

I shaved my head and found a point on the top,

I inherited my point from my mother's side grandpop,

Now, all the time I get teased,

I'm not at all pleased,

When my hair grows out will it stop? 

THERE ONCE WAS A LITTLE PERCOLATOR LIMERICK

There once was a little percolator,
It made good hot coffee, about ten minutes later,
It was understood,
That the coffee was good,
Unless, you were just a perking hot coffee hater.

THE CANDY ABUSER WAS A COMPLETE LOSER

The candy store man had no teeth left in his daft head,

His teeth rotted away, because on candy he fed,

His kid's teeth were all fillings,

Because of cavity drillings,

So his wife served him with papers, and now they're unwed.

DRIED UP PENS

I bought a package of pens that wouldn't write,
The ink was dried up real hard and real tight,
I had to use pencils,
To draw in my stencils,
The pencils made an aesthetic blight.

TROUBLED TIMMONS NEEDS A TOOTH FAIRY

Troubled Timmons is a snot,

When he is just a big old tot,

He is often mean, 

And, his language, unclean,

He will not brush and mouth is rot.

I GROW A GARDEN IN MY POTS AND PANS

My pots and pans are full of mold,

I should have washed them, I've been old,

But I need my veggies each day,

So I grow them my way,

I use the molds in my stew, and I never catch cold.

THE CHRISTMAS CANNIBAL ELF

It's a full moon on Christmas Eve, and you'd better watch yourself,

Or you could be eaten, by a thing called Santa's elf,

Cannibals, Santa condones,

If nothing is wasted, even bones,

The elf that eats the bones is the one they call big Ralph. 

INKY WINKY BUILT A STAR

Inky Winky built a star,
And, worlds would marvel near and far,
But, the star was loaded,
With physics so coded,
Immortals didn't expect the  jar.

I SHOT A RUBBER BAND, NOW I LIVE UNDER A BRIDGE

I shot off a rubber band,

Where did the rubber band land?

It struck my boss in his eye,

That made my boss cry,

Before the end of the day, I got canned.

YUM! YUM! YUM! STICKY, GREASY PORK RINDS

My pork rinds were not so greasy or sweet,

So, I fried them with grease and brown sugar for my treat,

Now, I have to confess,

They were a sticky, greasy mess,

But boy they were so good to eat.

SAGA OF THE NIGHT WATCHMAN

Mr. Murphy, he retired,

His other choice, was get fired,

He was out of date,

Would hesitate,

Had no promotions, since he was hired.

JEETER LIKED TO WATCH THE CLOCK

Jeeter liked to watch the clock,
He watched at work each day,
Jeeter got almost nothing done,
 But, he still expected pay,

One day Jeeter had to see the boss,
The boss told Jeeter he was done,
Jeeter was at a total loss,
He thought he worked harder than anyone,

Jeeter quickly found a job with hope,
It was a job watching a giant clock,
He spent his nights with a telescope,
As the stars moved he heard "tic-toc".

MAGIC CHRISTMAS, AND FULL IS THE MOON

Magic Santa, magic sleigh, magic deer that fly,

Underneath the full moon, they are a dab onto the eye,

In corporeal form they appeal,

But in reality, they are unreal,

Everywhere, and all at once, on such magic they rely.

I FED A FERRET, AND HE POOPED ON MY FLOOR

I invited a ferret over for dinner, but he was not very nice,

He was always chattering and chattering, and gave my youngest lice,

And in my bathroom, he did more,

He missed my toilet, and nailed the floor,

I grabbed that ferret by the tail, and escorted him out my door.

THE GNOME LIMERICKS

Marcy was a real pretty horse,
A gnome ate her for his main course,
Then he ate my dog,
My cat and my frog,
Gnomes are such an evil force.

There was a little gnome named Klaus,
He kept gnawing on my old house,
He liked tasty paint,
With a bit of lead taint,
And, termites and the occasional mouse.

SANTA MAY NOT HAVE REIGNDEER, BUT AT LEAST HE HAS HIS STALL

Jimmy was short and tubby, and he had the Santa call,

So he got a job as Santa, working at the Midtown Mall,

He worked there for fifty years,

Made enough money to buy his beers,

Jimmy did get a reserved toilet, they named it Santa's Stall.

A STEVE THE PORCH PIRATE CHRISTMAS LIMERICK

Steve was a porch pirate who was very lucky,

He threw boxes from porches into the back.of his trucky,

Presents Steve got from his hood,

Made his Christmas feel good,

But for all those he ripped off, it was sucky.

TEACHER, TEACHER ALPHABET SOUP LIMERICKS

Teacher, teacher alphabet soup,
When I sit in class my eye lids droop,
My brain is so soar,
I just want to snore,
It’ll be a lifetime before I recoup.

Teacher, Teacher alphabet soup,
I can’t understand and I’m not a goop,
It would not be so bad,
If I could sleep for a tad,
Or, go out with my buds shooting hoop.

Teacher, teacher, alphabet soup,
I think that I’m coming down with the croup,
School air makes me wheeze,
And, who cut the cheese?
I’ve sit so long I’ve developed a stoop.

I EVOLVED AND WENT BACK TO.THE SEA

I woke up this morning without hands, arms or feet,

Instead, I had flippers; how am I supposed to eat?

I flopped down to the bay,

I feel better, I'd say,

Except, I'm sick of eating fish, and desire red meat.

CHRISTMAS EVE AND REINDEER STEVE

Again it is now Christmas Eve,
Santa’s ride depends on reindeer Steve,
Steve is the official weather reindeer,
But, he has drank too much beer,
Let’s hope his sobriety he’ll retrieve.

A WREATH FOR THE HOLIDAYS

I needed a holiday wreath for my front door,

Could not afford to buy one, because I'm dirt poor,

I took wire and branches of pine,

Built a circle held together with twine,

The wreath might not look good, but it's artwork of mine.

DAVY OF THE NAVY

There was  mouse I called Davy,

He kept chewing into my dry packs of gravy,

I told him I will get very rough, 

If he gets into my salty stuff,

So, Davy ran off to join a salt water navy.

HARRY UNPACKED HIS OBOE

Santa brought Harry an oboe, and he unpacked it Christmas Day,

Once the oboe was assembled, Harry began to play and play,

Harry was a happy winner,

Mama cooked him Christmas dinner,

After Christmas dinner, Harry napped in bed, where he would stay.

A DOCTOR WHO SATURDAY

It's Saturday, and I don't know what to do,

Maybe I will visit buffalo at the zoo,

I guess I'll go to the beach,

There, volleyball I will teach,

Then I'll head home to watch Doctor Who.