THAT GNOME GAVE ME A FUNNY LOOK LIMERICK

Watch out the gnomes are coming for you,

They will bite you and eat you and your family too,

They stand out on your dirt,

With their wink you think "flirt",

When, they only look at you as a stew.
 

BEAT BY WALL STREET

Because I invest with a Wall Street bank,
I should not be upset when my savings tank,
Their advice is often really rank,
They trade against me; they’re such a skank,

My broker is drinking imported booze,
While he tells me the really bad news,
He gets out a gun and says “Beat it, you loose,
If you don’t leave now I’ll call the cops if I choose”,

Now while my broker vacations in Rome,
He spends all my money; that little gnome,
I thought I’d retire to a really nice home,
Instead I’ll be buried in a casket of foam.

JENNY HAD A MORGAN SILVER DOLLAR

Jenny had a Morgan Silver Dollar,
It was dated 1883,
When you flipped it over,
It had the mint mark of a “C”,

Jenny sold her silver dollar,
She then felt very rich,
For the several hundred dollars she got,
Would scratch her shopping itch.

MY MILK TURNED INTO CHEESE

My cereal this morning was kind of chewy,
Then, I discovered the milk tasted screwy,
It just made me wheeze,
For my milk had turned into cheese,
So, I added veggies and had cheese ratatouille.

SPRING FOG RISES HAIKU

The spring fog rises,
Glowing white drifts over snow,
Snow melts, dirt rises.

MY DOGGIE MAKES MORE MONEY THAN ME🤔

My big doggy, his name is Clark,

He bites neighbors and goes, "Bark! Bark! Bark!"

The cops came to see him one day,

They had a back and forth say,

Now Clark is employed as the neighborhood nark. 

THE YOGURT THAT WOULD NOT DIE

A lot of spoiled yogurt was in the cake I made,

And, in the belly's of cake partakers the yogurt stayed, and stayed, and stayed,

The ambulances came,

And, I got all the blame,

So, in the resulting lawsuits I payed, and payed, and payed.

THE RABBIT AND MY TULIPS

My tulips all bloomed and bloomed,
But  the rabbit consumed and consumed,
And, I don't think it's fair,
Now my tulips aren't there,
While the rabbit sits chin up and groomed.

CARMAN THE CRAYFISH

Carman was a crayfish,
She played in mud all day,
She once climbed into a clay dish,
Then Carmen went away,

Carman was sold as a crawdad,
She ended up in stew,
Carmen did not taste half bad,
The way most crayfish do,

So, this is how this story will wrap,
Beware ye crayfish who like to play,
Stay away from the crayfish trap,
Or you might be crawdad soufflé.

RANDY THE CINNAMON BUN

There was a cinnamon bun named Randy,
His owner was a young girl named Candy,
Randy tried to jump free,
But, got really dirty,
It was good the garbage was handy.

THE BAD LUCK GAMBLER

I went to Michigan's Turtle Bay Casino,

Lost at all the games I played except for Keno,

But, the loser's way,

Is my typical day,

I learned that when I went bankrupt in Reno.

MUSTARD GAS BREATH EARNS NO CHARMS

Jim grew a stink garden between his toes,

He blew a sandstorm out of his nose,

The air was toxic beneath his arms,

With mustard gas breath he earned no charms,

An hygienic makeover is where this goes. 

A LIMERICK FOR APRIL (THE MONTH)

After a winter that really stunk,
I find my yard is filled with junk,
With the leaves and twigs,
And butts from the cigs,
And the garbage that blew out of my trunk

BENNY HAD TO TAKE A PEA

Benny had to take a pea,

Out of a pea poddy

He needed the form,

Twas a pea corn born norm,

So he could bounce it off a tree.

A FOOL AND HIS CAR ON THIN ICE ARE SOON PARTED

I drove my car out on the ice to do some tip up fishing,

Then, I found out that safe ice was just some foolish wishing,

Under my tires there was a "crack, crack,"

Then, I knew the lake was about to attack,

And, down went my car,

But, it didn't sink too far,

For it landed on another car's back. 

THE RAINBOW AND THE HOSE HOLDER HAIKU

Rainbow, chase dreams, air,
Rainbow maker, all worship,
Sun, Hose holder rules,

SANDY MY PET PYTHON LIMERICK: SANDY GETS THE CHAIR

Sandy was my pet python snake,
She ate all my neighbors and oh, was that a mistake,
It was so hard to bare,
When Sandy went to the chair,
Sadly, I was alone at Sandy's neighborhood wake.

I WON'T FLY ON THAT AIRLINE AGAIN

I decided to go flying,

Didn't know I'd soon be dying,

When we hit a mountain spire,

The plane lit me on fire,

For mountain critters, my meat was frying.

MONDAY THE 13TH

Monday the 13th and I'm out of luck,

No sleep so, my work day is in muck,

I guzzled coffee and got wired,

So much so, I got fired,

And, my car got painted by 12 seagulls and a duck.

BIG BEN AND HIS TIME TRAVEL MACHINE

Big Ben had a time travel machine,
He went back to when earth was pristine,
The earth looked really good,
Where garbage dumps had once stood,
And, the air was so sweet and so clean.

Big Ben traveled back in time,
To where no one ever commited a crime,
He decided to stay,
A million years far away,
From the people that had created the slime.

CARL'S HOMEMADE SWEET & SOUR YEAST WINE

Carl's homemade wine tasted like vinegar,
So, he added sugar to the red beast,
It then tasted like really sweet vinegar,
So, Carl added four more packs of yeast,

Now, Carl raves about his red delight,
But, whenever people come over to dine,
They praise the cooking and that said,
Won't touch Carl's sweet & sour yeast tasting wine.  

ODE TO THE DEEP DARK WEB

Why not live on the deep dark web,
The deep dark web's for me,
Why not live on the deep dark web,
Where the media all comes free,

I use to pay for this and that,
Yeah, all those subscriber fees,
I ate Ramon noodles while the fat cats got fat,
I watched old TV while they watched new sleaze,

Now, I recommend the deep dark web,
You get great content without the billing,
The games, music, and shows on the deep dark web,
Are absolutely thrilling,

Well, things have changed an awful lot,
Since, I found the deep dark web,
It's like I've found a new formed Camelot,
While, my cash outflows have a major ebb.

JEFF WAS THE MASTER OF TELEPORTATION LIMERICK

Jeff was the master of teleportation,
He teleported from nation to nation,
He teleported to Mars,
And then to the stars,
But, he got sick from teleport radiation.

THE RESTAURANT DISHWAHSING SNAILS LIMERICK

Owning a restaurant was one of Joan's greatest wishes,

Now that she owns one she hates washing dishes,

On cleaning dishes she fails,

So, she picked up some snails,

The snails clean but, they leave behind gooey squishes.

 

WHAT'S IN THE STEW?

Margaret, Margaret what's in the stew?
I ate here on Tuesday and came down with the flu,
I use to think no stew finer,
Than the stew at your diner,
But, the last day I ate here I rue.

MY GIRLFRIEND CLEANED MY HOUSE

I had a girlfriend for a very short time,
When she cleaned my house her bad words didn't rhyme,
The porcelains were not white,
Carpet stains from party night,
And the appliances incubated green slime.

PET PIG BACON AND SAGE SPRIG SAUSAGE LIMERICK

Gretta had a pot bellied pig,

Dan's peanuts it decided to dig,

Because Dan's food had been taken,

Dan made the pig into bacon,

And, some sausage with a leafy sage sprig.

I CHEF

My sweet & sour chicken was more salty than sweet,

But, it was so very sour that one would wince when one would eat, 

And, so clammy was my clam chowder,

Made so with excessive baking powder,

Of course, my cheese stuffed mushrooms were compared to smelly feet.

TUCKER GOT A COVID SHOT TO HELP HIM PLAY B-BALL

On the b-ball court Tucker was truly, not tall,

Then, he got a shot and big went his ball,

But, his coordinates were poor,

His ball flew out the door,

And, went bouncing to the end of the hall.

NAUGHTY, NASTY CARP

There once was an angry carp,

He wrote profanities on my boat tarp,

And, when I asked him to stop, please,

He drew naked pictures; what a sleaze,

Then he sang dirty ditties as he played his harp.

DOUGLAS HAD AN OLD VCR

Douglas had an old VCR,
But, he couldn't find anything to play in it,
They no longer put movies on those old wind up tapes,
Instead, they use DVD’s and just spin it.

GRANDMA SUE

There was a grandma named Sue,
She loved to dress-up in blue,
Her hair was bright red,
And, she was well fed,
Sue was kind to all that she knew.

Sue was a grandma who worked really hard,
She kept her house clean and fixed up her yard,
When the kids came around,
She'd get down on the ground,
She was fun and oh what a card.

I DREAM OF QUEENIE

I dream of Queenie, my little pup when I was four,

She'd eat a plate of tortellini then, go poopy outside the door,

Queenie ate little as a small pup,

But, she got big and ate a big sup,

So, dad the meany said no more Queenie and gave away my labrador.

WHAT LIES WITH THE LEECH?

I am such a dedicated teach,

I took my laptop and my work to the beach,

Then, the tide came straight in,

And, my laptop could not swim,

Now, it lies in the lake with the leech.

MY LIMERICKS HAVE BEEN BANNED

I wrote a limerick in the beach's pretty sand,

It didn't sound too good cause the limerick was not planned,

Then, the waves from the sea,

Erased the limerick wrote by me,

I guess on the beach my limericks must be banned.

NATASHA THE SUNFISH AND HER CELLPHONE

Natasha the sunfish was on her cellphone all day,
Yet, the cellphone din't work when deep in the bay,
 But, way up on the beach,
The cell signal did reach,
So, on the beach Natasha decided to stay.

THE FISH FURNITURE POEM

I make furniture from fish I catch out in the bay,

I make fish into end tables for my dollhouse made of clay,

I make fish into sofas, 

I make fish into chairs,

I make fish into bedroom sets,

For my dollhouse's upstairs,

If you're asking how I do it then, imagination you must lack,

I use some glue and scissors and lots of fast drying shellac.

DING DING AND THE SUPER STRING THEORY OF EVERYTHING

I thought I'd test out a string theory,

But, I have no super collider to aid my querry,

So, I got me some string,

From my kitty, Ding Ding,

My methods make my peers rather weary.

A ROBIN NAMED POKE

There was a robin named Mr. Poke,
He could not find worms and was a joke,
Poor Pokey could not see,
The rattlesnake named Bea,
Bea washed down Mr. Poke with a coke.

MY POLYMERS AND ME

I have polymers in my curtains,

I have polymers in my cloths,

I have polymers in my automobile,

And, doctors force polymers up my nose,

I have polymers in my dishes,

I have polymers where I eat,

I use polymers to clean my fishes,

I have polymers on my feet,

I think polymers came from a spacecraft,

From deep, dark outer space,

For on some polymer planet,

There lives a polymer race,

So, I think we've been invaded,

By polymer people from afar,

They seek conformity to the polymers,

Around every fusion driven star.

THE ITCHY BED BUGS

I laid on my bed and started to itch,
The bugs in it started to crawl and to twitch,
I got out some spray,
To drive them away,
Alas, the bed I had to burn in the ditch.

TAX THE POOR GUY (ME) LIMERICK

My taxes can never be paid,
So, I expect a government raid,
I don't have any money,
Just a bear jar full of honey,
And, a quilt that was one that I made.

BLINK

I had a rat living under my sink,

He ate bleach, he died, now he stink,

So I sprayed some air spray,

And the stink went away,

But the spray burned my eyes, blink, blink, blink.😣

BUBBLE WRAP WENT

The little bubble wrap went Snap! Snap! Snap!

The big bubble wrap went Bap! Bap! Bap!

The paper filler went Rip! Rip!

Out fell the packing slip,

And Ben saw that he was shorted, so he went and took a crap.

UNHEALTHY LIVING LIMERICK II

Jean ate pancakes all soaking with grease,
Although, she knew that she'd soon "Rest In Peace,"
She still scooped-up the lard,
And, ignored the health bard,
For life is always just a tenuous lease.

THE BAD, BAD SQUIRRELS

The squirrels ate all the snow monkeys now, the snow monkeys are gone,

They use to sing in harmony at the first frilled lights of dawn,

Now, there are just the squirrels to scream and mutter,

As they make their acorn butter,

And, they gnaw on nearby roadkill which, was just a little fawn.

MY ZOMBIE GIRL

I love my zombie girl so much
I know I must be mad,
But, when my zombie girl is out of touch,
My heart just feels so sad.

I love my zombie girl so much,
I know she does real bad,
But, I love my zombie girl so much,
When I’m with her I am so glad.

I love my zombie girl I do,
I love her if its day or night,
I love my zombie girl I do,
Even when she goes out for a bite,

I love my zombie girl’s big heart,
Even though it does not beat at all,
I understood from the very start,
Eating brains is just nature’s call.

My zombie girl and I are in love,
It won’t be long until we are wed,
Blessed by hell or by heaven above,
We’re the family of the living dead.

THE THING THAT MAKES ME SAD

Watching the sun made my my vision real bad,
Loud music made me deaf and mom mad,
Poor posture my neck ache,
Poor diet made my leg break,
But, it's world news that makes me feel sad.

PETER PIG WAS TAINTED, AND PORCELAIN BOWLS GOT PAINTED

Peter Pig was ground into sample sausages, down the street at Vinny's Store,

The customers sampled Peter Pig, until Peter was no more,

The samples caused symptoms like the flu,

Vinny's customers threatened to sue,

Most had underwear accidents, before making it out the door.

SIMON WAS A GIANT CRAWDAD

Simon was a giant crawdad,
He ate dead fish and smelled real bad,
He brushed twice a day,
And used mouthwash they say,
He still had no friends and felt sad.

THE FAVORITE FOOD OF DRAGONS

The favorite food of dragons,

Is takeout food that is real dear,

For the food comes from a magic kingdom,

The food is called a mouseketeer.

RUTH THE TOOTHLESS AND SMELLY BEAVER

There once was a beaver named Ruth,
She did not have even one tooth,
With a sharp ax and a breeze,
She knocked down the trees,
She was fastest and that's the truth.

Ruth the beaver was so full of bad gas,
Everyone ran when she started to pass,
You couldn't help to think,
She made a big stink,
Then, she laughed showing she had no class.

BILL RAISES HIS OWN FISHING BAIT LIMERICK AND POEM

Bill found worms between all of his toes,
How they got there nobody knows,
Bill takes a hot shower,
Once each year for an hour,
Then, he trims the hairs hanging down from his nose.

Bill sighted worms down between all of his toes,
He saved them for bait when fishing he goes,
He liked to raise larvae within his large nose,
He'll have plenty of bait when fishing he goes.

BUGZY BERNARD MOWED HIS LAWN

Bugzy Bernard mowed his entire lawn,
He mowed till all the dandelions were gone,
He made dandelion wine,
It tasted just fine,
But, he had a bellyache from supper till dawn.

GREENING UP THE GRASS LIMERICK

I just love to green up my grass,
I won't let an opportunity pass,
So, I doubled up on the fert,
Burned my lawn down to dirt,
Now my yard looks lacking in class.

MY NUBS AND THE THREE BEARS

Along came two cutie bear cubs,

They were so cute I gave them intense belly rubs,

Then along came their maw,

She gave me her claw,

The three bears chewed me down to my nubs. 

BEARS

Bears are coming out of their hibernation,

Looking for tourists with a Michigan destination,

And those bears like to eat,

All the fresh tourist meat,

Chugging swamp water for their libation.

I CAME UPON A FOREST FROG

I came upon a green forest frog,
He barked just like a domestic dog,
He had a bad habit,
He liked to hunt rabbit,
When they bit him he ran under a log.

George the frog would hunt for bunny,
He wanted to get one and make some money,
He hunted with a gun,
But, it was no fun,
George decided to hunt bees for their honey.

MY PLACE ON MARS

I got many scars while I was on mars because, I got into a brawl,

I got my scars while hoping bars with a Martian ten feet tall,

We were best pals til we met some gals then, the bartender yelled "last call,"

Then, the martian suddenly beat me until I could no longer creep or crawl,

I really like my martian friend but, I wish he would grow up,

I think I'll stay in my room for now, watching cable while I sup. 

 

REALITY, REALITY, REALITY

We spend all our lives growing big meat bags,

To feed worms and microbes in the earth,

That is nature's only need for us,

So why do we act like we should be a fuss?

We so overestimate our true worth.