THEY CALL ME FLASHLIGHTER

I cannot seem to ever obtain,

Fuel for my lighter that flash burns butane,

So I tried a fuel that was clean,

It was high octane gasoline,

I now live in an asylum for the  insane.

ELFIN 👹

Whimper, whimper in the night,

I'm whimpering because of fright,

There are beastly elves,

Sitting on my shelves,

I'm on their menu, tonight.😱

IN THE KINGDOM OF THE BERRIES, THE TOILET STOOL IS KING

Berries make most people happy,

They turn fossilized bowels into bowels so sappy,

And, although it's not fair

When TP is rare,

In their bathrooms consumers feel trappy.

I ONCE CAUGHT A BIG CRAPPIE

I once caught a great big crappie,
'He tangled my line up in a wrappie,
When I untangled him at last,
He knew his time was past,
I  fried him in grease and was happy.

MAD AT POTATO SALAD

My potato salad made people so sad,
I used mayonnaise that had gone really bad,
The eggs were well boiled,
But, had sat out and got spoiled,
Now, everyone who ate it is mad.

EPITAPH OF THE PLASTIC FACE RACE

There once was a planet, way out in space,

They loved their plastics, even put them in their face,

But plastic poisons the inside,

All life died, planet wide, 

That's how it ended, for the human race.

MY WEEKEND AT THE BIRDBATH

I'm so glad this week is all done,

On the weekend, I'll have plenty of fun,

I'll get lots of fancy dips,

And dip slowly my fancy chips,

While I sit by the bird pool, in the sun.

FISH FOOD, DINNER IS SERVED

I was having a yacht party,

But my boat, it sank at sea,

My guests got mad at me,

They got all wet, and gee,

The sharks came and we...

I TIME TRAVELED OFF TO A NICER PLACE

I time traveled off to a nicer place,
In my 1974 Matador Sedan,
There was no pressure; there was no rat race,
You just took life as you could and can,

I time traveled off to a nicer place,
But, alas I could not stay,
For reality like my sedan has no brakes,
To stop I’ll cross my fingers and pray.

ERIC LIKED TO WALK IN THE DITCH

Eric liked to walk in the ditch,
But the ditch-water made Eric's feet itch,
And, in between Eric's toes,
Where the stink-mushroom grows,
A bloodsucker feels that he's found his niche.

MARY WAITS FOR THE MAN WITH THE LITTLE FEET

Jim had such little feet,
They barely got him down the street,
So, he would tarry,
Behind his wife Mary,
Who, waited hours for Jim to meet.

PRISCILLA THE FISH FOUND HER LIFE MATE

Priscilla the fish thought she had found her life mate,
She found him on Facebook and thought he was great,
But, when her special person didn’t show,
On their first date in the sea below,
Her feelings were rated devastate.

THE LIMERICK RECITAL

Some limericks I recite as I jelly my toast,

Some limericks I recite at the beach on the coast,

Some limericks I recite as I'm chased by a bear,

If the bear catches me, then I'm reciting prayer,

Most limericks I recite just for something to post.

THE REINDEER POOP-SHACK POEM

My shack is ugly, and it smells like a reindeer took a poop,

It appears the reindeer left it, atop of my stoop,

I lit three candles to burn off the stink,

I washed the dishes, stacked up in the sink,

I took a break outside, danced with my hula hoop,

Should have stayed in town in that home with the group. 

MARNIE MADE A MOVE WHILE FISTING

My ex-friend, Marnie doesn't live here anymore,

Marnie moved to an apartment over a store,

Marnie and I were very tight,

But we had an ugly fight,

When Marnie left, Marnie fisted my front door.

I HAVE CLIMATE CHANGE

My furnace died now, I have climate change,

I'm trying to survive in the lower temp range,

My environment is cold so, I made a fire,

But, the smoke made my breathing dire,

My head is cold because I have caught mange.

BARK NO DOG, LAMP NO LIGHT, BUG BITE

My lamp, it just wouldn't light,
I changed the bulb but, still not bright,
So I sat in the dark, 
With a dog who wouldn't bark,
And bugs that did nothing but bite.

MY BIRDIE RELATIONS

The birdies like on worms to dine,
But I hang my washing on the line,
So my washing is speckled,
At work I am heckled,
My birdie relations aren't fine.

THE UNICORN DOWN UNDER

There was a unicorn who slept down under,

The big trees when he heard thunder,

He made a loud breeze,

When he cut his cheese,

And the source of the loud noise made one wonder.

 

NOSE-FIRE

Peter the dragon blew no fire with his roar,

Out of his mouth came spit and nothing much more,

But out of his nose,

Came great flames with his blows,

When Peter had a cold he could melt iron ore.

BORIS WROTE A LIMERICK

Boris wrote a limerick for his ex-girlfriend Patty,
He said her teeth were knurly and hair was mattie,
Patty’s revenge was not slight,
With a scratch and a bite,
Then, Boris described Patty as catty.

I WENT OUTSIDE TO BURN A TIRE

De-cluttering my garage was my desire,

I went outside to burn a tire,
It lit real fast, and the flames jumped higher,
Then it caught my neighbors pine tree on fire, 
The settlement means I won't retire.

PP07082022

STING, SUPER CUTS AND GUTS

Tinker was a little nuts,

He ate only hornet guts,

They made is mouth sting,

And that was his thing,

Along with giving his lawn super cuts.

I PARKED ON A HILL

I parked my old rusty pickup on the hill,

I went into the store,

My parking brake done failed,

Then, my pickup charged downhill to war,

It terminated a parked bicycle,

It terminated something called art,

It terminated a parking meter,

It stopped when it ran down a grocery cart.

BARNY THE WICCAN

Barny was a practicing wiccan,
His familiar was a farm chicken,
If you want some good luck,
Get the chicken to cluck,
If he don't cluck you'll have some slim pickin'.

THERE WAS A FAT PIG NAMED DAVEY

There was a fat pig named Davey,
He ate pork sausage and gravey,
He once ran out of food,
Became a real skinny dude,
Then, bought all his cloths at Old Navy.

THE SOLAR FLARES AND BEARS LIMERICK

I went and watched some solar flares,

Singed my eyeballs, gave them tears,

I burned my skin,

They told next of kin,

Then they fed what remained to the bears.

THE FISH IN THE WEEDS

I hooked a fish out in the weeds,

For that is where the big fish feeds,

He fought and tangled,

And, my line angled,

That battle is among my proud deeds.

JIM'S APARTMENT

Jim's apartment, it's kind of small,
The bathroom is a hole in a wall,
The kitchens a delight,
A plate hanging from the light,
And, to sleep Jim curls up in a ball.

MOSQUITOS TAKE MORE THAN BLOOD

Meanie mosquitos, they done ate off my arms,

Then when I looked for my legs, that set off alarms,

My legs were in mosquito guts,

I was going really nuts,

No more camping, I'll stay on the farms.

A BIGFOOT ATE MY HOMEWORK

A Bigfoot ate my homework,
And, no one believes me,
But, I live in Michigan,
There's a Bigfoot behind each tree,

The Bigfoot is a real odd jerk,
He's really sneaky you see,
I just want to wish again,
I wish Bigfoot wouldn't bother me,

A Bigfoot ate my mom and dad,
My little sister too,
He even drank my soda pop,
And ate my dog named Blue,

Bigfoot's are protected,
If you harm one you'll go to jail,
I guess I will leave Michigan,
And, enroll in Princeton or maybe Yale.

MR. MARTIN HAD NO TICKER

Mr. Martin had no ticker,
His doctors wondered why, he was not sicker,
Martin swam in the bay,
Ate smoked bacon all day,
At night he drank beer and would bicker.

THE TEETER TOTTER TEARS

It rained on my teeter totter, and now it's all wet,

If now I teeter totter, I will find woe and then regret,

My pants will get all muddy,

And my neighbors will say I'm cruddy

Then I'll end up crying, because I am upset.

THE BENCH PAINTS MY TRENCH

Pardon my stench,

But I sat on a bench,

Unlike my home stoop,

It was covered in poop,

The poop stuck to the back of my trench.

THE PETOSKEY STONE LIMERICK, FESTIVAL AND CELL PHONE WARNING

My shinny petoskey stone, 
Made of something; maybe coral or bone,
I found one on the beach, 
And, what did it teach,
Watch out for water if you drop your cell phone.

POLES FOR SECURE, HEALTHY PIGS

If I had enough poles I could pen up my pigs,

They could not wander off if I built secure digs,

And, pigs grow better rib,

In a safe secure crib,

Besides, pigs are healthier if they can't get to cigs.

IN CAME THE WATER AND DOWN WENT THE FLOOR

I bought a trailer between a river and a lake,

The property flooded and I had water intake,

Finally, the water left out the door,

But, caved in went the floor,

Methinks my property buy a mistake.

,

LITTLE WIGGINS THE PIG PART II

Little Wiggins was a pig,
Little Wiggins liked to dig,
He tried digging through a concrete floor,
Now Little Wiggins digs no more,
He wore down his hooves now he is soar,
Little Wiggins is a real dumb boar.

I WONDER ABOUT FISH

I wonder what the fish are thinking?

And, because fish are in water are they always drinking?

I wonder if they speculate about the nature of land,

Or, have tried watching cable using "On Demand."

I wonder if fish can perceive that they're sinking?
Or, do their eyeballs get dirty because, they're never blinking?

GRANDPA'S DIRT FARM

A dirt farm, some pigs and a still,
Grandpa's old farmhouse on the hill,
Although the old man was poor,
He'd work till he was sore,
Then on his whisky and ham he would fill.

THE DAN WHO FARTED

My name is Dan,

Because I'm a man,

I eat beans from a can,

And eggs from a pan,

From the house, I got a ban.

SQUASH BLOSSOM DINNER

I fried me some squash blossoms in my old frying pan,

Then I fried me some baked beans, I cut out of a can,

Although it all smelled like carpet-feet,

It was a real tasty treat,

Then I rested by my big, old box fan.

THERE ONCE WAS A PEASANT

There once was a peasant named Bill,
Finding pennies gave him a thrill,
He once found a dime,
But, it was only one time,
Finding pennies was his only skill.

Can I Vote?

I wonder if I still can vote?

I never learned to read nor wrote,

My address is a giant tote,

Out on the bay is where I float,

I eat goat cheese from my own goat,

I don't wear cloths under my coat,

Can't sing a song, not one dang note,

If I had a sail I'd have a boat,

I wonder if I still can vote?

BRENDA DINES ALONE

Brenda would serve all types of hard cheese,

Along with some cornbread and homemade herb teas,

Though she dined all alone,

With her stuffed cat named, Malone,

She was happy, well balanced, at ease.

 

ANOTHER STUPID LIMERERICK ABOUT LIMERICKS

A limerick pie is nothing more,
Than stringing words together for,
A little fun,
Maybe a pun,
Or, some wisdom at the core.

GORDO THE DRAGON SLAYER PART II

Gordo bragged he was a dragon slayer,
But, no knight considered him a real player,
When a dragon came around,
Gordo was not to be found,
He ran out of town on any conveyor.

GORDO THE DRAGON SLAYER PART I

Gordo the Dragon Slayer was kind of a runt,
He charged a big dragon but it was a stunt,
The dragon breathed fire,
It made Gordo retire,
The bad burns made poor Gordo grunt.

CARRIE CHEATS AT CHECKERS

Carrie likes to cheat at checkers,
Making false kings via double-deckers,
If you turn away for a time,
She'll add crowns down the line,
For she's the queen of fair game wreckers.

 

A WALK BEFORE SUP

I went for a walk with my dog, Sally,

She took a leak and filled up the valley,

Women and children all cried,

The crocodiles died,

We suped at a brew pub, called Galley.

MY DOG SALLY, DIGS

I went to the park to walk my dog, Sally,

She was excited, and dug a park valley,

I got beat and arrested,

My sanity tested,

Now I live with my dog in an ally.

ODE TO THE QUIET PETS

I wanted very quiet pets upon which I could opine,

So I bought a bowl and those shrimp that are supposed to live in brine, 

Now on the register I set the bowl,

And, had a unanimous shrimp death toll,

Of course I wouldn't have let them boil away if the shrimp could only whine. 

 

THE CHOCOLATE FROSTING ON GRAHAM CRACKERS LIMERICK

I bought some graham crackers to take on a retreat,
I covered them with chocolate frosting; the crackers were ready to eat,
Now, someone brought along their big dog,
He seemed behaved on the long jog,
But, he ate all the crackers while lounging in the back seat.

DAVEY COLLECTED SILVER COINS

Davey collected silver coins minted in the United States,
He had every type of coin and all the coin type dates,
Davey was cleaver and bold,
When the prices were high Davey sold,
Now Davey doesn’t have to work he just skates.

VOTE OFTEN BUT, DON'T TELL

This morning I voted 10 times,

I was informed, 9 of those 10 times were crimes,

I promised, I learned my lesson,

So, I'll stop confessin',

In my stories and limericks and rhymes.

MY END OF JUNE FISHING TRIP

It's the last day of June and fishing I've gone,

I'm catching nothing but weeds from the lake bottoms thick lawn,

It seems no matter what I may do,

I catch weeds brown, green and, blue,

I think my fish stories from today will just be a big yawn.

LOOKS VS BOOKS: THE TRUTH

Gorban was really proud of his great looks,

Which is why he didn't attend to his school books,

But he made lots of money,

And kept happy his honey,

While scholars worked as short order cooks.

THE GREEN SNAKES AND THE TADPOLE

In a small, shallow pond there lived a tadpole named Mike. Now Mike had several hundred brothers and sisters however, Mike’s brothers and sisters had all become frogs and had hopped away into the forest to find their own ponds where they could swim. This left Mike all alone in what seemed to be a much bigger pond than it had been when his brothers and sisters were still there.

One day, two green snakes came slithering into the pond. Mike was at first happy to see that he had some company but, the snakes began chasing after Mike and tried to eat him. Mike was very good at diving so he dove under the water and hid under some lily pads. After a while the snakes left but, the next day the two snakes were back and were again chasing poor Mike all around the pond. Mike screamed “Oh great green snakes please don’t eat me I haven’t even had a chance to grow up and become a frog yet.” But, Mike’s pleas were to no avail and the snakes kept chasing after him. Mike again hid under some lily pads until the snakes left the pond. This went on for about a week then; the green grass snakes went away for the rest of the summer to stay with an aunt and uncle who lived under a nice big rock at the edge of a beautiful lake.

When the summer came to an end the two green snakes returned home. They decided to go down to the little lily pond to see if they could make a snack of that tadpole they had left behind several weeks earlier. The two snakes slithered down to the pond and into the water. They looked all over for the tadpole. They even discovered his secret hiding spot under the lily pads. Finally, as the two green snakes were getting ready to give up looking for the tadpole, they noticed two really strange looking little islands in the middle of the pond. The snakes were curious about the islands because they had never seen them there before so, they swan over to investigate the islands. But, just as the snakes were almost on top of the islands a huge bullfrog surfaced. It seems the islands were actually the bull frog’s eyes and he had been waiting for the snakes to swim over to him.

“Remember me my fine green fellows,” the bull frog said to the snakes. “A few weeks ago I was just a little tadpole swimming around in this lily pond when you guys showed up and tried to eat me. You even came back several times looking for me and you terrified me like you would not believe. You knew then you could get away with terrifying me because at the time I was just a little unimportant tadpole. As you can see now, since you’ve been gone I’ve grown up quite a bit and everyone looks up to me because I have become so big and powerful. And, do you know what food I now like best?” The two snakes just lay in the water too shocked and afraid to move in front of the large bull frog.

The bull frog had a large grin on his face as he said, “My favorite food are green snakes”. With that the bull frog licked his lips and then proceeded to slurp each green snake down whole like a long piece of spaghetti. The bull frog was quite happy that he had devoured those awful snakes who had tormented him so much when he was just a little tad pole.

FASCIST TOOK MY NUTTY FRUITCAKE, AND MY DOUGHNUTS TOO

Well, I rowed my little dingy across the big lake,

Over there fascists steal all the bake goods I bake,

It's so very good to be free,

From fascist aristocracy,

Now I'll feast on my doughnuts and nutty fruitcake.

BENNY BET ON C AND BENNY LOST TO ME

Benny use to like to bet,,

He could hit high C on his cornet,

He'd bet he'd vibrate with B,

Then squeal out a D,

Benny owes me much money, yet.