PARASITES UNITED

Parasites United were living in my curly hair,

They ate up every single root, until my head was bear,

Although they done me wrong,

I regaled them with a song,

Then they infested my roommate's unpleasant underwear.

TING ME A SONG WITH YOUR TONG, JEFFY

Jeffy Jerry cannot sing,

But man, that guy can really ting,

He tings his songs

With copper tongs,

And that is just his thing.

THE ELF EATERS RHYME

There was a little elf,

His name was Sammy Sam,

Whenever he got hungry,

He ate a sandwich of cheese and ham,

There was a little elf,

His name was Billy Bill,

He ate only oatmeal cookies,

Upon the window sill,

There was a little elf,

Her name was Doreen Door,

She didn't care where or what she ate,

As long as there was more.

THE LAKE MICHIGAN SERPANT NAMED SAM

In Lake Michigan there was a serpent named Sam,
He swimed, he swum and, he swam,
He swam up a river,
To make Salmon quiver,
But, his tail got caught in a Damn.

Sam likes to sink really small vessels,
But with bigger boats Sam wrestles,
If he has not the muscle,
He'll lose out in the tussle,
He then swims to his cave where he nestles.

FUZZY WAZZY HAD HICCUPS (A NURSERY RHYME REVISITED)

Was Fuzzy Wazzy a real bear?

Or was he just someone, not quite all there,

He was weird and vicious, gave kids a scare,

He'd sit for hours, with that goofy stare,

Finally, they placed him in tender care,

Where he died from hiccups, it was balls of hair,

AMADEUS THE SKUNK LEFT HIS SCENT IN THE AIR LIMERICK

Amadeus the skunk left his scent in the air,
Everyone disliked it, but he seemed not to care,
One day while all alone,
Amadeus began to moan,
He opined for friends that just were not there.

1022

WE DON'T NEED LOCKS ON MARS

On Mars our pudding is full of rocks,

We have no mealtimes for we have no clocks,

We have no open water and no boat docks,

We have no birds so, we don't have flocks,

We have no companies so we don't trade stocks,

We have cold feet because we can't make socks,

We have no education except the school of hard knocks,

Our entire culture the universe mocks,

But, we have nothing to steal so we don't need locks. 

BUSTER THE BANJO PLAYER POEM

Buster was a banjo player,
He played the banjo well,
But, the only song in his repertoire,
Was the Overture to William Tell,

Buster could not read or write,
He didn't know one note from another,
He only learned to play William Tell,
From the whistling of his mother,

Buster tried to learn new songs,
He tried leaning them by ear,
But, when he tried to play the songs,
His audience would sob, "Oh Dear!"

Buster became so frustrated,
He decided not to play,
He figured music was overrated,
So, he sits and dreams all day.

I Have Election Day Troll Blues

There were so many election day trolls,

Who have nefarious goals,

Many come from overseas,

Offering nude body sleaze,

And, tell fibs about voting at polls.

FEEDING BIRDS HAIKU

Garden, Spading, Worms,
Birds, Squirmy, Meals, Yummy, Good,
Mowing Lawn, Bugs, Birds.

FEE-FI-FO-FOOP, I SMELL PORCH PIRATE SOUP

There was a little porch pirate who lived in the bushes near my stoop,

I knew he was living there, because I could smell his soup,

Every single day,

He'd steal my packages away,

Even my lawn mower, and my retro hula hoop.

MY TEAM LOST ME A QUARTER, QUACK, QUACK

It's Monday morning and my football team sucks,

I hate the digs from my coworker ducks,

They all quackity quack,

I got none to give back,

At least I bet in just quarters, not bucks.

AT THE OFFICE

Monday while the office coffee perks,

You realise there's five full days to work with jerks,

And, it's no surprise,

They'll spread evil lies,

About your poor choices and quirks.

DR. DAN FEEDS BEASTIES

Dan's Doctoral Thesis wss widely read,

Dan proposed alcohol made little beasties go dead,

Old Dan was a taker, not a giver,

He took too much wine and wrecked his liver,

In the ground, Dan makes sure the little beasties are feed.

DAN MET THE WEIRD SISTERS

Dan met up with three sisters and they were all weird,
They had a shocking appearance when they all appeared,
They told Dan he'd be king,
If ten dollars he'd bring,
Dan is out his ten dollars, it's feared.

BAD FRANKIE, BAD

Frankie was incarcerated for driving way too fast,

He would not have been caught, except an ambulance he passed,

That made the police hype,

Then there was Frankie's water pipe,

And the pedestrian Frankie put in a full body cast.   

ZOMBIES

I always make sure I shoot the zombie in the head,

That's the only sure way you know that zombie be dead,

If you pass a zombie too near,

He's sure to bite you on the ear,

Then you be squirting out red.

FLOTILLA PONTOONED

It's name was Flotilla, and that was my boat,

It was pontooned with pop bottles that held air, and could float,

Then way out on the bay,

It sank to the fish bones and clay,

That was the very last thing I wrote.

I TOOK MY DINGY TO NORTHPORT

I took my dingy to Northport to fish for the day,
But,a big speed boat was right in the way,
I asked if I could pass,
As they poured Champaign in their glass,
They then swamped me as they sped away.

MY SPACECRAFT RAN INTO A STAR

My Spacecraft by L. Brandt

My spacecraft ran into a star,
Now, my spacecraft will not go,
And, I did not pay my insurance bill,
So, I cannot get a tow,

I'm now stranded way out in deep space,
My oxygen is running low,
No one answers calls to my place,
And, I can't reach my good friend Joe,

I'd like to order pizza,
But, there's limits on my doe,
Alone and hungry in deep space,
There are no limits on my woe. 

BAD DENTIST

I grabbed pliers to fix the tooth that hurt,

It broke and the gum gave a blood squirt,

So I got some health administration,

From an ER vacation,

Well, it's better than napping in dirt.

THE TONE OF THE TOOTER

My tooter tooted a terrible tone,
The audience responded by giving my tooter the stone,
They showed what they meant,
With every stone made deep dent,
My tooter's tone I'm needing to hone.

I SHOULD HAVE ON EARTH

It was a big mistake for me to move to mars,

The air is  no good, and all they have are solar cars,

Fresh veggies won't keep,

The rent is not cheap,

And most residents are from faraway stars.

THE FOUR ALARM FARM FIRE

In the general vicinity of the farm,

A fire broke out, four alarm,

The potatoes got baked,

The corn stalks were coal caked,

But, the livestock suffered no harm.

NOT TO SEE FAR OR NEAR AND DRIVE OFF THE PIER

Dennis the driver couldn't see far or near,
Dennis the driver drove his truck off the pier,
Dennis did find his way,
To the bottom of the bay,
Now, his bones sit at the wheel, where they steer.   

SINISTER SPIDERS ON MY WINDOWSILL

Some sinister spiders sit on my sill,
They think web-weaving is the ultimate thrill,
But, I'll give them some news,
Be careful what choose,
Or, be squished spider-spleen on the grill.  Yum, Yum!

I SAW A SMALL BIRD EATING A SALAD

I saw a small bird eating a salad,
But, his condiments didn't seem to be valid,
It was a wine mixed with beer,
Final results I did fear,
The little bird started tweeting a ballad.
 

PETUNIAS ON EARTH

I journeyed far beyond the planets of Sol,

To find some petunias to pot was my goal,

I found some pretty, bright red,

On a planet called, Fred,

But they like to grow tall on a pole.

CAN ONLY WAIT SO LONG, MOON

I was on a great sand dune,

Waiting for the rise of moon,

Waited there all afternoon,

Ate a cookie, macaroon,

Need a toilet, please rise soon.

WHAT FRANKIE DID WITH SNOT

Frankie thought he was a charm,

Then he snots upon his arm,

The girls all say,

"Frankie keep away,

Your snot might do us harm."

WOE TO THE PROTECTOR OF SHRUBBERY

I got some chicken wire,

To protect my little shrub,

For there is this rabbit,

Who sees my shrub as grub,

Then I waited with a pail,

For the rabbit I would assail,

And I'd catch him nose to tail,

Then I'd have rabbit stew and ale,

But the rabbit never showed,

To another shrub, he goed,

Then he moved into my abode,

Locked me out, so then I woed. 

THE WILD PIG TOOK MY CANNED GOODS

A wild pig chased me through the woods,
He wanted to eat my veggie canned goods,
When he was a few feet away,
I gave in to him that day,
Wild pigs are nothing but hoods.

THE HIGH PRICE OF PANCAKES

For five-hundred dollars I bought a pancake making machine,

I used the money I got from selling my precious spleen,

But, it required special flour shipped from Sydney,

So, I had to sell my favorite kidney,

And, give up the knighthood I received from the queen.

GENIUS EQUIVALENT TO A STROKE

My nest egg is just a big joke,

I have an eggshell but, not the white nor the yoke,

I bought and I sold,

Many investment ideas that I was told,

Were the equivalence of some genius stroke.

I CAUGHT THE ITCH AT THE GROCERY STORE

I searched for a great bargain price,

On cereal that was a poofed kind of rice,

I found nothing cheap,

So I stormed home in my jeep,

Scratching my hairs that incubated head lice.

MY LAST STOP, THE HOBBY SHOP (I shopped till I was dropped dead)

I have a hobby,

So I went to a Lobby,

The store clerks were snobby

At the checkout, I got robby,

I became very sobby,

They called in a bobby,

He cracked me on the knobby,

Then said that was his jobby,

 Cause he served the Lobby, 

And out oozed my brains.

SANTA PICKS HIS TEETH LIMERICK

Santa ran out of fish bones and he couldn't pick his teeth,
So, he pulled out some needles from a Christmas pine wreath,  
But, Santa had acidic spittle,
Which made the pine needles brittle,
And, they wouldn't dig out the food underneath.

THE TRAIN, BRAIN AND CHEAP RENT GAIN

Next door there was this train,
It's tooter hurt my little brain,
But, my rent was real cheap,
Apartment easy to keep,
Thus, my bank account had a small gain.

IT EATS

It eats the bird, it eats the beast,

It eats the critter that smells the least,

It eats the bugs, it eats the dragon,

It eats vehicles called Volkswagen,

Upon them all my goat do feast.

FISHING DARK AND DEEP

I went fishing on a lake dark and deep,

Then through the floor water started to seep,

I didn't have a pail,

So I really  couldn't bail,

I sank calmly without even a peep. 

THE SEEDS OF WEEDS

The seeds of weeds have taken their toll,

They've seeded the great hills and the big valley bowl,

Of course, now the lawns are all weedy,

Because the weed descendants are greedy,

Now, finding grass is finding diamonds in coal.

I HAVE A ROOMMATE WHO DOES NOT LIKE TO FLUSH

I have a roommate who does not like to flush,
It makes me sick when my teeth I must brush,
I hope and I pray,
He moves out one day,
If he doesn't I'll become a lush.

OLD FASHIONED YARD JARTS WITH THE LONG, POINTY SPEAR

I went to the third moon of OOh-OOh to play professional yard jarts,

It's played at nightfall, at least that's when the tournament starts,

Each jart has a fifteen foot spear,

Sharp enough to take down a big deer,

During tournament, you'd best look out for your parts. 

THE MUM SUM LIMERICK

There was this person, a mum,

She had troubles doing a subtraction or sum,

She counted her kids more than thrice,

Made 6 Bowles of beans &  fried rice,

The kids she missed summing, got gum.

WOODSTOVE POISION GAS HAIKU

Woodstove, top, hot iron,
Plastic cup, woodstove top, melt,
FLAMES, SMOKE,  POISOIN GAS ..

MY CREDIT CARD CHARGE IS FIFTY PERCENT-Limerick

My credit card charge is fifty percent,
When I pay it I get kind of all bent,
With all the bank fees,
I'm down on my knees,
Even on savings they charge me for rent.

YIPPEE, KY, YEH IN SPACE

I boarded my spacecraft with my dog Yippee who, eats pie, 

Then right behind us were my doggies Yeh and Ky,

Yippee, Ky, Yeh,

We all flew away,

Towards the stars and the wonders in the sky. 

RIPTIDE HAIKU

Swimming in big lake,
Riptide pulls me out, can’t swim,
Drowning in big lake.

THEY CALL ME FLASHLIGHTER

I cannot seem to ever obtain,

Fuel for my lighter that flash burns butane,

So I tried a fuel that was clean,

It was high octane gasoline,

I now live in an asylum for the  insane.

ELFIN 👹

Whimper, whimper in the night,

I'm whimpering because of fright,

There are beastly elves,

Sitting on my shelves,

I'm on their menu, tonight.😱

IN THE KINGDOM OF THE BERRIES, THE TOILET STOOL IS KING

Berries make most people happy,

They turn fossilized bowels into bowels so sappy,

And, although it's not fair

When TP is rare,

In their bathrooms consumers feel trappy.

I ONCE CAUGHT A BIG CRAPPIE

I once caught a great big crappie,
'He tangled my line up in a wrappie,
When I untangled him at last,
He knew his time was past,
I  fried him in grease and was happy.

MAD AT POTATO SALAD

My potato salad made people so sad,
I used mayonnaise that had gone really bad,
The eggs were well boiled,
But, had sat out and got spoiled,
Now, everyone who ate it is mad.

EPITAPH OF THE PLASTIC FACE RACE

There once was a planet, way out in space,

They loved their plastics, even put them in their face,

But plastic poisons the inside,

All life died, planet wide, 

That's how it ended, for the human race.

MY WEEKEND AT THE BIRDBATH

I'm so glad this week is all done,

On the weekend, I'll have plenty of fun,

I'll get lots of fancy dips,

And dip slowly my fancy chips,

While I sit by the bird pool, in the sun.

FISH FOOD, DINNER IS SERVED

I was having a yacht party,

But my boat, it sank at sea,

My guests got mad at me,

They got all wet, and gee,

The sharks came and we...

I TIME TRAVELED OFF TO A NICER PLACE

I time traveled off to a nicer place,
In my 1974 Matador Sedan,
There was no pressure; there was no rat race,
You just took life as you could and can,

I time traveled off to a nicer place,
But, alas I could not stay,
For reality like my sedan has no brakes,
To stop I’ll cross my fingers and pray.

ERIC LIKED TO WALK IN THE DITCH

Eric liked to walk in the ditch,
But the ditch-water made Eric's feet itch,
And, in between Eric's toes,
Where the stink-mushroom grows,
A bloodsucker feels that he's found his niche.

MARY WAITS FOR THE MAN WITH THE LITTLE FEET

Jim had such little feet,
They barely got him down the street,
So, he would tarry,
Behind his wife Mary,
Who, waited hours for Jim to meet.

PRISCILLA THE FISH FOUND HER LIFE MATE

Priscilla the fish thought she had found her life mate,
She found him on Facebook and thought he was great,
But, when her special person didn’t show,
On their first date in the sea below,
Her feelings were rated devastate.