BOURBON SAILING DID NOT END WELL FOR ME

My beautiful, brand new sailboat was seven meters long,

I named her after a punk band, The Seven Meters Song,

Because of bourbon and tea,

I was lost out on the sea,

And, ended up on the island where they worshiped King Kong.

TRINA GOES THRIFTING FOR CHRISTMAS

Trina wrapped a Christmas present for her nice mommy and her dear dad,

She bought the present at a thrift shop, because that is the latest fad,

The present was a 4 inch wide, Maine state flag,

Trina left on it, the $2.00 price tag,

Her folks want to visit Maine, but the cold climate is freezer burn bad.

TOESIES AND THE NUT: A TRINA STORY

Trina had a big acorn, stuffed way up in her shoe,

It made her little toesies all black and navy blue,

Trina pulled off her little shoe,

Pulled out the acorn, which she threw,

And, hit the Easter Bunny, then Bunny go boohoo.

GRANDPA BLOODSUCKER

My granddad was born in 1795,

I do not know how, but granddad is still alive,

He only comes out at night,

Disappears by first daylight,

They say he must drink fresh, human blood to survive.

SANTA'S SLEIGH CRUSHES TRAILER

Santa's sleigh and reindeer landed on my frail, trailer top,

I heard the sleigh land, and reindeer hooves landing, plop, plop,plop, 

Through the roof came Santa's red sleigh,

The deer followed down, all the way

My remains were cleaned up using a bucket and a mop.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

MY CAT: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE SMELLS

My big, lurking, gray cat has many wicked, wicked ways,

My cat, Sheila, eats the rats that make my home, their maze,

When I enjoy my night cap,

She will blow farts on my lap,

When I eat tuna melt, she glares, with a murderous gaze.

THE FAMILY OF FOOD

My ghee ran away with my beans,

They have been in love, since their teens,

I hope that it's true,

That they marry, too,

And, adopt some little sardines.

POX = DETOX

I came down with a case of severe pox,

I caught it from my new cereal box,

There's pox in all the stores,

In the ceilings and floors,

I feel so sick, like I did in detox.  

BOLOGNA

I only eat bologna, it's a nutritious, power food,

It could be made of pork and chicken, or some poor, homeless dude,

It is an old, secret recipe,

Keep quiet, or be an arrestee,

Bologna increases alpha-mones, and prolongs a romantic mood.

I'M AMPED AND MYSTIFIED

I have an amplified and mystified mind,

As I look up at the sky stars, twist and wind,

Stars live in the past,

Not a thing can last,

I see many ghost stars, because they once shined.

COURTING THE TINKER OVER A POT HOLE

I needed my pot fixed, so I could have some stew with my port,15

So, I went to see the great tinker; he was my dead, last resort,16

Tinker patched my holed pot,

Tinker charged me a lot,

When I refused to pay, the great tinker, took me to tinker pot court.17

I BLEW MY HORN AND NO ONE CAME

I played a trumpet solo at a theatre in Western Maine,

No audience showed up, so I felt intense, rejection pain,

The concert tickets were free,

If no one showed up, it's me,

What's more, there is a raging snowstorm, and I must catch a plane.

WALKING WHILE TALKING ABOUT OLD FRIENDS, AND A CHEW

I left the sleepy, little village, because I thought I'd take a walk,

Villagers think that I am really weird, because to myself, I talk,

I discuss the friends of my past,

Their little lives that did not last,

I like to hike past the cornfields, so I can chew kernels off a stalk,

PREMINITION

The world is full of a rag nasty, great gloom,

Everywhere I look, I see coming, my doom,

No sense in my trying,

I'll just end up crying,

On the horizon, morbid premonitions loom.

MISSED OPPORTUNITY FOR FREE, WINTER MEAT

There was an enormous mule deer, digging in my front yard,

He was digging in ice and snow to eat my dead, Swiss chard,

I went and got my deer hunting gun,

He could feed my daughter and my son,

I shot, missed the deer, but hit my front tire really hard.

I WENT FOR A DRINK

Just for one dollar, I got my fingernails clipped,

Then in a grey, hand lotion, my fingers got dipped,

I felt nice and pretty,

I went to the city,

I sat in a bar, and a martini I sipped.

HE GOT DOXED

When Jim got contagious, and his body got to poxing,

Over the internets, his information was doxing,

He did not go roam,

He stayed in his home,

And, fought off intruders, because he trained in kickboxing.

DENNY ATE TOO MANY

Denny ate so many tomatoes, his mouth was full of canker sores,

He ate so many dried prunes, that every bowel movement, it pours,

He ate too many onions, as well,

Caused an armpit issue, you could tell,

Denny, who had too many, had a girth issue, getting through narrow doors.

NURSE POUCHIE

My little terrier, has a very kind, pouchIe brain,

He brings me my fluffy slippers, and drags to me my cane,

I lost my teeth to decay,

He chews all my food, hooray!

I depend on Pouchie; nurse care is so hard to obtain.

MY LICENSE TO KILL (VAMPIRES)

I just got my license to hunt the vampires,
This has always been one of my great desires,
So, I went to the fair,
Found just werewolves there,
At the circus, I found vamps riding the high wires.

 

HARD TIMES = PANTRY FOODS FOR CHRISTMAS GIFTS

My favorite gift for Christmas this year, is a big box of macaroni and cheese,

My second favorite gift for Christmas this year, is a can of unsalted sweet peas,

Green beans give me gas,

On asparagus, I'll pass,

Give me a jar of bread and butter pickles this year; that gift will certainly appease.

THE ADVENTURE OF RIM TIM TIN

I shopped, and  bought a little metal, fishing boat, and I named it Rim Tim Tin,

It was made of tin can-like aluminium, and the aluminium was thin,

I went out in the boat with my dog,

We ran over a floating pine log

The aluminum buckled, my dog chuckled, and the water came rushing in.

MY SISTER HUNTS FOR OUR HOLIDAY FEAST

Christmas is coming, instead of goose, we are going to eat rat,

My sister has a BB gun, and she knows where the rats are at,

By day, they're under the floor,

They are sleeping; hear them snore?

At night the rats go where they want, since they frightened away the cat.

I SLEPT WITH MY MR. TUTTLE DOLL

My mama laid me down to sleep, with my Mr. Tuttle doll,

Mr. Tuttle was a dead pet rat, stuffed by my Auntie Moll,

We grew up as jobless, poor,

Couldn't afford stuff from a store,

So, we stuffed our pet animals, like nanna, with Pappy Sol.

I HOMEMADE A FRIEND

I sewed a bunch of dead body parts together, because I needed a friend,

I did not add any legs, so they wouldn't runaway, should my big mouth, offend,

The monster needed food to eat,

I gave it nuts and a raw beet,

The monster had a big cry, because tap dance classes, it would never attend.

BIG BOX STORE SANTA GOES HO, HO, HO

Down to the bus stop, he would go,

Big box store Santa, Ho, Ho Ho,

He had no reign deer,

He was full of beer,

So, when he talked to kiddies, his speech was slurred and slow.

REGULATING LIMERICKS FOR FUN AND PROFIT

So they do not insult any sovereign, independent nation,

My limericks that are eclectic and dumb, need some regulation,10

I agree, don't you?

I'll quit saying, "pooh",

But, if I don't warn of space invaders, we'll suffer termination.17

DILLY AND DOUG, THE EXTERMINATOR GUYS

Everywhere I looked in my house, I found a big bug,

I called in the bug exterminators, Dilly & Doug,

They covered my house with a plastic dome,

They filled the dome with poisons, gas and foam,

Then they drained off the poison, and deep cleaned my carpet rug.

BACKSEAT BABY DELIVERY ON WHEELS

My sister had a baby in the back of a self-driving, rental car,

I am telling you right now, this story you will find, is really bizarre,

Sis and baby boy are fine,

But, my sister did a whine,

She was charged by the car rental company, at delivery room par.

WHAT A BUY, A++ PIE

I was told the economy is A+,

I suppressed at the grocery store, a cuss,

I had not the means,

To buy a can of sardines,

There was a discounted pie, it looked like puss.

RAVE OVER THE GRAVE: MY NEPHEW IS A GHOUL

I wish my teenage nephew would quit his bad habit, and go to high school,

Instead, he digs up body parts in cemeteries, because he's a ghoul,

He and his friends love every grave,

Every Friday,  they party, rave,

When I was young, I avoided graveyards, because they were not very cool.

I CAN'T TALK TO STRANGE PEOPLE ONLINE, ANYMORE

I was forced off of social media, because I am too young,

I'm afraid to play outside, because on my swing I might get hung,

I might be attacked by bats,

Or eaten by some cougar cats,

All the strangers I meet online, are people I feel safe, among.

TUNA FISH DEODORANT, YES IT IS A THING

I went to.visit my friend, Tuna Fish, and it set off my nose alarm,

A tuna needs deodorant under each fin, like a human does, each arm,

More stinky, became the still water,

As the temperature grew hotter,

Soon it smelled less like a tuna home, and more like a tuna farm.

RELAXING IN MY TINY, NEW HOME

I built a tiny blue house; it was way, way up on a hill,

I could afford only one window, and just one windowsill, 

I enjoyed my new hut,

I consumed a doughnut,

I watched YouTube, went to bed early, taking one purple pill.

THE BAD BEHAVIOR OF TINKER

I once knew a vampire, named Tinker,

Tinker was quite a mean, big, bad stinker,

He was not a dear,

He bit me on the ear,

I told Santa; yes, I am a finker.

COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS, PUSSY CAT

Christmas is coming, I cannot find my pussy cat,

I fear she was scared away by a wretched, fruit bat,

I know she will come on back,

When she misses my old shack,

And, misses the caned tuna, she shares with her friend, Rat.

GETTING WHAT'S COMING AT THE END OF SPACE AND TIME

Jim was sitting on the rooftop of his house, watching his planet get destroyed,

Jim suddenly found his wee, little self, floating around in a star lit void,

A frog ghost appeared,

Said Jim ate his legs, he heared,

Frog got revenge at the end of time and space, by exciting Jim's hemorrhoid.

EEK AND ZEEK, PEEK AND SEEK

I have two uncles, they are twins, named Zeek and Eek,

When they saw pretty girls, they would sneak a peek,

The girls thought the peek was a stare,

So did local Constable Robare,

Now, Zeek and Eek,  the President's pardon they seek.   

KNOWING WHEN FAMILY LOVES A MEAL

On the way home from my work, I bought taters, five pounds,

I like my fried taters, and share them with my four hounds,

They love fried potaters,

More than fried tomaters,

I know they love a meal, by their burp and farting sounds.

BLEAK HOUSE HOLIDAY MEAL

Suddenly, our Christmas dinner is looking quite bleak this year,

We can't afford our eggnog, or even ice cream and root beer,

There is not gonna be meat,

Just bread and gravy, we'll heat,

By singing Christmas Carols, we'll pretend the good time are here.

THE BAT ENTANGLEMENT THEORY.

I am the that little bat that hides behind your bedroom closet door,

I come out at night, and play in your pretty hair, when you start to snore,

Playing in hair is lots of good fun,

Of course, I'm gone by the rising sun,

Sometimes, I bite and scratch the scalp a little, that's why your scalp is sore.

SANTA ATE MY EDIBLE PET

I bought a fat goose and I named him Christmas, so now he is our Christmas goose,

Each morning I kick him out of the kid's bed, and in the backyard, he runs loose,

Christmas tried to run away,

By hiding in Santa's sleigh,

Santa took Christmas to the North Pole, and roasted Christmas in candy cane juice.

PIRATES OF THE GREAT LAKES

Don't walk along the Lake Michigan coast,

Where buried gold treasure is found, the most,

A treasure hunt there, don't try it,

An evil spirit stands by it,

Captain Jean Vien is that merciless ghost.

Pirate Jean Vien, guards many golden treasures,

Treasures people desire to fulfill they're pleasures,

But, the treasures have a price,

So, don't let them entice,

The price is your soul, slowly taken in measures.

TINKERER OF BLOOD

I work fixing pots and pans, through the night,

J cannot take the bright of the daylight,

I am the living dead,

Called, The Vampire Fred,

I'll fix your pots and pans, for a blood lite.

I SNAG A LOT

I went fishing in a river, and all I caught were snags,

So, when I went home with my buddy, he had the big brags,

He caught ten fish, all keepers,

Using lures he called "creepers",

I helped him clean his fish, and seal them in quart freezer bags.

NIGHT TINKER COURT AND THE LIVNG DEAD

I use to be a tinker, and I did tinkering for pay,

I would tinker all night long, and then would sleep, most all the day,

Someone told the town squire,

That I was a vampire,

Now I'm in a jail, but in tinker court, I will have my say.

LIVING FOR FREE UNDER A TREE

I took to living under a big apple tree,

I paid absolutely no rent, I thought it free,

But, it was in someone's front yard,

They had a hound dog as a guard,

I paid the hound dog my biscuit, to let me be.

COFFEE PEOPLE OF AMERICA

I use to go down to the diner, and have a big mug of fresh coffee,

All the townies gathered there, because the second mug was guaranteed, free,

We were town proud, and full of joy,

We gave off airs of townie coy,

Coffee prices blew up; the diner closed; through the window, the ends I see.

GIRLFRIEND, NIGHTMARE AND THE GARGOYLE FELLA

I was having a nightmare about this gargoyle, fella,

He was flirting with my new girlfriend, her name was Bella,

I ordered him to go away,

Then, he bit my arms off, touche,

So, I got a different, new girlfriend, her name was Stella.

MEAT AFFORDABILITY.

I went to buy some fresh, lean beef, but the price was just too high,

I went to buy some deli ham, but the pig price made me cry.

I wanted to buy some fresh fish,

The high price belated my wish,

I tried to buy some turkey, but my credit card said "DENY".  

SWAG BAG AND POLICE DRAG

A famous, retail store gave out some free stuff in a great, big, humongous bag,

The intended result was to make all shoppers feel extremely rich, and "swag",

But, the free stuff was so cheap, cheap,

The shoppers dumped it in a heap,

And, substituted electronic stuff, then riot cops did a cuff and drag.

I CAUSED THE GREAT TINKER TIRE FIRE OF 1988

I love to tinker with a stove pot, or a fry pan,

I patch up their big and small holes, as best as I can,

I tinkered a tire,

But, it caught on fire,

Now, on tinkering tires, there's a government ban.

THE SEARCH FOR THE FOREST THROUGH THE TREES

I walked through the trees to find the forest, but not one forest was ever found,

All I found were leaves, stumps, logs, and trees upon more trees, and lumpy, squishy ground,

I did lose my way,

Was lost for a day,

Next time I look for the forest through the trees, I'll bring along my hunting hound.

I RIDE THE WILD BEAR

I walked into a dark, deep cave, and saddled up a big, black bear,

Some call me extremely brave, others think I need a brain repair,

I rode the bear to mum's,

Stoped at a store for gums,

I rode the bear at a steady trot, so mums neighbors, he wouldn't scare.

BLOWING SNOW, AND KIN IN THE TIN

The snow piled up on top of the roof, and the whole darn roof came caving in,

It made a horrible, terrifying noise, because the roof was made of tin,

We got more wind blow,

And, in blew more snow

The family is not doing  bad, but we're still missing a couple of kin.

THE BLOWER WITH THE CLOGGED CHUTE

The chute on my brand new snowblower was not shooting any snow,

That was in spite of my snowblower having a good grinding blow,

Ice was caught in the chute,

And, with a kick of my boot,

The chunk of ice cleared the blower, and crashed the car windshield, oh, woe.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS", FROM SANTA CLAUS

I went begging for food at Santa's house, and Santa gave me a job,

He said I had to work to eat, and I should stop being a begging slob,

I had to clean out the reindeer stalls,

Much poop on the floor, more on the walls,

When I finished I asked Santa for food; he said, "eat the poop", oh, sob!

TOILET THRUSTING FOR BLING

I thrust my hand down into the toilet, to retrieve an engagement ring,

It had a big cubic zirconia, Zink ring, and everything,

Granted, the ring was way too small,

Should have bought for a big and tall,

I might have to buy a cheap replacement; I can't afford more nice bling.

I RIDE BEAR

I went into the woods, and saddled a wild bear,

I rode him into town, and tied him up in the square,

At the store, while I was inside,

A guy tried stealing my ride,

The bear ate the guys body, methinks that was just, fair.

I ONLY HAVE THREE FINGERS

You know, I only have three fingers; I only have three toes,

I come from the distant, planet Mars, and that's just how it goes,

We are born, just a small stone,

Then we branch out into bone,

We phase into a rough, tough, hard bod, that's how we beat our foes.