BACKSEAT BABY DELIVERY ON WHEELS

My sister had a baby in the back of a self-driving, rental car,

I am telling you right now, this story you will find, is really bizarre,

Sis and baby boy are fine,

But, my sister did a whine,

She was charged by the car rental company, at delivery room par.

WHAT A BUY, A++ PIE

I was told the economy is A+,

I suppressed at the grocery store, a cuss,

I had not the means,

To buy a can of sardines,

There was a discounted pie, it looked like puss.

RAVE OVER THE GRAVE: MY NEPHEW IS A GHOUL

I wish my teenage nephew would quit his bad habit, and go to high school,

Instead, he digs up body parts in cemeteries, because he's a ghoul,

He and his friends love every grave,

Every Friday,  they party, rave,

When I was young, I avoided graveyards, because they were not very cool.

I CAN'T TALK TO STRANGE PEOPLE ONLINE, ANYMORE

I was forced off of social media, because I am too young,

I'm afraid to play outside, because on my swing I might get hung,

I might be attacked by bats,

Or eaten by some cougar cats,

All the strangers I meet online, are people I feel safe, among.

TUNA FISH DEODORANT, YES IT IS A THING

I went to.visit my friend, Tuna Fish, and it set off my nose alarm,

A tuna needs deodorant under each fin, like a human does, each arm,

More stinky, became the still water,

As the temperature grew hotter,

Soon it smelled less like a tuna home, and more like a tuna farm.

RELAXING IN MY TINY, NEW HOME

I built a tiny blue house; it was way, way up on a hill,

I could afford only one window, and just one windowsill, 

I enjoyed my new hut,

I consumed a doughnut,

I watched YouTube, went to bed early, taking one purple pill.

THE BAD BEHAVIOR OF TINKER

I once knew a vampire, named Tinker,

Tinker was quite a mean, big, bad stinker,

He was not a dear,

He bit me on the ear,

I told Santa; yes, I am a finker.

COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS, PUSSY CAT

Christmas is coming, I cannot find my pussy cat,

I fear she was scared away by a wretched, fruit bat,

I know she will come on back,

When she misses my old shack,

And, misses the caned tuna, she shares with her friend, Rat.

GETTING WHAT'S COMING AT THE END OF SPACE AND TIME

Jim was sitting on the rooftop of his house, watching his planet get destroyed,

Jim suddenly found his wee, little self, floating around in a star lit void,

A frog ghost appeared,

Said Jim ate his legs, he heared,

Frog got revenge at the end of time and space, by exciting Jim's hemorrhoid.

EEK AND ZEEK, PEEK AND SEEK

I have two uncles, they are twins, named Zeek and Eek,

When they saw pretty girls, they would sneak a peek,

The girls thought the peek was a stare,

So did local Constable Robare,

Now, Zeek and Eek,  the President's pardon they seek.   

KNOWING WHEN FAMILY LOVES A MEAL

On the way home from my work, I bought taters, five pounds,

I like my fried taters, and share them with my four hounds,

They love fried potaters,

More than fried tomaters,

I know they love a meal, by their burp and farting sounds.

BLEAK HOUSE HOLIDAY MEAL

Suddenly, our Christmas dinner is looking quite bleak this year,

We can't afford our eggnog, or even ice cream and root beer,

There is not gonna be meat,

Just bread and gravy, we'll heat,

By singing Christmas Carols, we'll pretend the good time are here.

THE BAT ENTANGLEMENT THEORY.

I am the that little bat that hides behind your bedroom closet door,

I come out at night, and play in your pretty hair, when you start to snore,

Playing in hair is lots of good fun,

Of course, I'm gone by the rising sun,

Sometimes, I bite and scratch the scalp a little, that's why your scalp is sore.

SANTA ATE MY EDIBLE PET

I bought a fat goose and I named him Christmas, so now he is our Christmas goose,

Each morning I kick him out of the kid's bed, and in the backyard, he runs loose,

Christmas tried to run away,

By hiding in Santa's sleigh,

Santa took Christmas to the North Pole, and roasted Christmas in candy cane juice.

PIRATES OF THE GREAT LAKES

Don't walk along the Lake Michigan coast,

Where buried gold treasure is found, the most,

A treasure hunt there, don't try it,

An evil spirit stands by it,

Captain Jean Vien is that merciless ghost.

Pirate Jean Vien, guards many golden treasures,

Treasures people desire to fulfill they're pleasures,

But, the treasures have a price,

So, don't let them entice,

The price is your soul, slowly taken in measures.

TINKERER OF BLOOD

I work fixing pots and pans, through the night,

J cannot take the bright of the daylight,

I am the living dead,

Called, The Vampire Fred,

I'll fix your pots and pans, for a blood lite.

I SNAG A LOT

I went fishing in a river, and all I caught were snags,

So, when I went home with my buddy, he had the big brags,

He caught ten fish, all keepers,

Using lures he called "creepers",

I helped him clean his fish, and seal them in quart freezer bags.

NIGHT TINKER COURT AND THE LIVNG DEAD

I use to be a tinker, and I did tinkering for pay,

I would tinker all night long, and then would sleep, most all the day,

Someone told the town squire,

That I was a vampire,

Now I'm in a jail, but in tinker court, I will have my say.

LIVING FOR FREE UNDER A TREE

I took to living under a big apple tree,

I paid absolutely no rent, I thought it free,

But, it was in someone's front yard,

They had a hound dog as a guard,

I paid the hound dog my biscuit, to let me be.

COFFEE PEOPLE OF AMERICA

I use to go down to the diner, and have a big mug of fresh coffee,

All the townies gathered there, because the second mug was guaranteed, free,

We were town proud, and full of joy,

We gave off airs of townie coy,

Coffee prices blew up; the diner closed; through the window, the ends I see.

GIRLFRIEND, NIGHTMARE AND THE GARGOYLE FELLA

I was having a nightmare about this gargoyle, fella,

He was flirting with my new girlfriend, her name was Bella,

I ordered him to go away,

Then, he bit my arms off, touche,

So, I got a different, new girlfriend, her name was Stella.

MEAT AFFORDABILITY.

I went to buy some fresh, lean beef, but the price was just too high,

I went to buy some deli ham, but the pig price made me cry.

I wanted to buy some fresh fish,

The high price belated my wish,

I tried to buy some turkey, but my credit card said "DENY".  

SWAG BAG AND POLICE DRAG

A famous, retail store gave out some free stuff in a great, big, humongous bag,

The intended result was to make all shoppers feel extremely rich, and "swag",

But, the free stuff was so cheap, cheap,

The shoppers dumped it in a heap,

And, substituted electronic stuff, then riot cops did a cuff and drag.

I CAUSED THE GREAT TINKER TIRE FIRE OF 1988

I love to tinker with a stove pot, or a fry pan,

I patch up their big and small holes, as best as I can,

I tinkered a tire,

But, it caught on fire,

Now, on tinkering tires, there's a government ban.

THE SEARCH FOR THE FOREST THROUGH THE TREES

I walked through the trees to find the forest, but not one forest was ever found,

All I found were leaves, stumps, logs, and trees upon more trees, and lumpy, squishy ground,

I did lose my way,

Was lost for a day,

Next time I look for the forest through the trees, I'll bring along my hunting hound.

I RIDE THE WILD BEAR

I walked into a dark, deep cave, and saddled up a big, black bear,

Some call me extremely brave, others think I need a brain repair,

I rode the bear to mum's,

Stoped at a store for gums,

I rode the bear at a steady trot, so mums neighbors, he wouldn't scare.

BLOWING SNOW, AND KIN IN THE TIN

The snow piled up on top of the roof, and the whole darn roof came caving in,

It made a horrible, terrifying noise, because the roof was made of tin,

We got more wind blow,

And, in blew more snow

The family is not doing  bad, but we're still missing a couple of kin.

THE BLOWER WITH THE CLOGGED CHUTE

The chute on my brand new snowblower was not shooting any snow,

That was in spite of my snowblower having a good grinding blow,

Ice was caught in the chute,

And, with a kick of my boot,

The chunk of ice cleared the blower, and crashed the car windshield, oh, woe.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS", FROM SANTA CLAUS

I went begging for food at Santa's house, and Santa gave me a job,

He said I had to work to eat, and I should stop being a begging slob,

I had to clean out the reindeer stalls,

Much poop on the floor, more on the walls,

When I finished I asked Santa for food; he said, "eat the poop", oh, sob!

TOILET THRUSTING FOR BLING

I thrust my hand down into the toilet, to retrieve an engagement ring,

It had a big cubic zirconia, Zink ring, and everything,

Granted, the ring was way too small,

Should have bought for a big and tall,

I might have to buy a cheap replacement; I can't afford more nice bling.

I RIDE BEAR

I went into the woods, and saddled a wild bear,

I rode him into town, and tied him up in the square,

At the store, while I was inside,

A guy tried stealing my ride,

The bear ate the guys body, methinks that was just, fair.

I ONLY HAVE THREE FINGERS

You know, I only have three fingers; I only have three toes,

I come from the distant, planet Mars, and that's just how it goes,

We are born, just a small stone,

Then we branch out into bone,

We phase into a rough, tough, hard bod, that's how we beat our foes.

SANTA AND THE FRIED FROG LEG CHRISTMAS

Santa likes his fresh sugar cookies, but Santa loves his eggnog, 

The one thing Santa loves much better, is a fried leg, off a frog,

Some people always scoff,

To take a frog leg off,

Mrs. Claus cuts off the frog legs, then throws the bodies to the dog.

FOOD WOULD TASTE BETTER IF I MADE MORE MONEY

My steak is all gristle, and my lollipop, quite stale,

After eating these nasty treats, I went puke in pail,

The poor food choices I take,

Based on the wages, I make,

If rich; I'd settle my belly with a pint of ale.

CALL OF THE WEREWOLF

The howling of a wolf in the woods, filled my beastly, carnal heart's holes,

The howling was a call to the forest minions, to awaken werewolf souls,

The woods went darker, the sky grew bright,

A full moon lantern was the only light,

I started my venture into the night, hunting victims, to play out their roles.

THE WIFE AND KIDS CAN EAT BUGS, I'M OUT OF HERE (BAD DADDY)

My wife and kids went gosh, darn feral, now their sifting worms out of the sand,

They are even eating nasty, stinky bugs that they catch within their hand,

I cannot take this anymore,

Having a family that's poor,

I'm going to quietly get in the car, and drive off to the promised land.

I'M LEARNING AN ADVANCED SKILL, SO I CAN MAKE THE BIG BUCKS

There is a much better job in my sight,

I just have to learn how to read and write,

I just learned my ABCs,

Next, I'll learn my DEFGs,

I take my time; wife says I'm just not bright.

VICTORIAN BLED

I went to see a horror movie called, "Victorian Bled",

In the movie people were bleeding out, until they were all dead,

The blood spirits had evil desires,

So, the blood was let out into fires,

The movie was really gory and stupid; that is enough, said.

MAMMA DID CRY, THEN BUBBA WENT BYE (HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2025)🦃 🍕

We were so very thankful on Thanksgiving, for the delivery of pizza pie,

Pizza is so much easier, than making traditional food; it made my mama cry,

I would really like to say,

It was the happiest day,

But, Uncle Bubba had a big, hissy fit, so we threw him outside and said goodbye.

THE SPECIAL NOODLE CHEF, MAKES HIS NOODLES ROAR!!!

I buy all my noodles, down at the secondhand grocery store,

I cook my noodles just four minutes, stir them, then cook them some more,

They must be drained, slightly under done,

Overcook them, and they are no darn fun,

I drench my noodles with bacon grease, and paprika makes them roar!!!

THE BRAIN, YURT, RAIN LIMERICK

I went to the doctor because I was in such pain,

I was in so much pain, I broke a brain major vein,

It just hurt and it just hurt,

I took a nap in my yurt,

My yurt blew away, and down came snow, ice and rain.

ANYBODY HEARD ABOUT THE SHELL FISH LAW?

I guess shellfish are now illegal to eat, eat,

I pick shell fish up all the time for a treat, treat,

Surprised, I got a hale of stones,

Breaking both blood vessels and bones,

Finally, it stopped when my heart wouldn't beat, beat.

ONE HOLIDAY (TURKEY AND HAM, THEN WE ALL SCRAM)

My family, does Christmas and Thanksgiving, all in one day,

We get the sentiment stuff all over, so we can go play,

Most like to go ski,

But, that's not for me,

I like riding on my Ski-Doo, unless a tree's in the way.

I MOUTHED OFF AT A SANDWICH AND POP SHOP

I went downtown for a sandwich and cold pop,

It was gonna be just a one place, one stop,

The bathrooms, they stunk,

Like a roadkill skunk,

I complained to the owner, he called a cop.

JAIL FOOD, YUCK! BAR FOOD, YUMMY!

Thank goodness my dear, old auntie has posted my bail,

Spent yesterday and today, eating meals in the jail,

Yesterday, it was potatoes,

Today it was red tomatoes,

I'll now park on a barstool, and consume only ale.  

BUBBA GOT SPELLED

Big Bubba lives down by the foaming sea,

He is a nephew to my bro and me,

Bubba loves beer and chicken,

His girlfriend is Wiccan,

She spelled him, now he only drinks tea.but

OUR THANKSGIVING DINNER COMES FROM THE ECONOMIC BOOM!!!

I had to hunt for Thanksgiving dinner, but all I got was a chickadee,

There was not much meat to feed four people, but I claimed dibs on the leg, for me,

We did carve a withered, Halloween gourd,

Split two potatoes, that I could afford

We were all thankful for the economic boom, that somehow, no one can see.

KID WILL VENT WHEN NO PRESENTS SENT

I went to Santa's toy store and the shelves were all empty,14

Normally, Santa makes sure his store has toys, a plenty,14

Why were there all those empty shelves?

Tariffs were placed on Santa's elves,

With kids wanting toys, and Christmas morning they'll be venty.14

I SHOP DISCRETELY FOR DISCOUNTS, AND MAINTAIN MY RANK IN SOCIAL CLASS

There were some carts in the big box, discount grocery store,

I noticed the carts were signed with, "Bargains!!! Half-off Or More!!!",

I bought some fake toenails, 

A box of colored face veils, 

I was quick to go checkout, so people wouldn't think me, poor.

CHRISTMAS PAST, REMEMBERED BY A MAN

I liked to feed all the little squirrels shelled peanuts, all winter long,

I got my kids a cool Christmas present, a video game, called Pong,

I would've lounged around with the old wife,

But she was always busy with a sharp knife,

It's  Christmas in '79, when the world was not quite, so wrong.

REPURPOSING WOODEN FRUIT

I got a fruit basket from a friend, but the fruit was carved from wood,

I chewed and chawed, cut and stabbed, but for food, the fruit wasn't any good,

I stacked the fruit in a tall pyre,

Lit it with a kerosene fire,

I dumped on honey, ate the coals, and the food tasted like it should.

BIG SPLAT AND THE COYOTE

My parachute did not open, and now I'm just a mess,

I jumped from an airplane, and fell under a great duress,

I made an enormous, gross splat,

Like when my windshield hit that bat,

Will someone find me before the coyote?  Take a guess.

THE HEADLESS NIGHT TERROR

I saw a ghost in the hall, with a big sharp ax, and he was blood red,

He was dripping blood on my floor, and missing his natural, human head,

I said, "please, Mr. Ghost, go away,

I just cannot take this, today,"

The ghost lifted his ax; a voice filled the room, "I'm taking your head, hooray!"

COMPARISON TEA

A free green tea seems like a gift given, that is fair,

Brown tea is a great tea, but has the breath of a bear,

Chamomile is social,

Lemon tea, emotional,

I think I'll stick with green tea; the color I died my hair.

TOILET FLOWERS

My outdoor toilet was all full of flowers,
They grew well after all the rain showers,
They were such a bouquet,
I just let them stay,

My toilet is artwork that towers.

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HOW TO BUY LOTS OF CHRISTMAS CANDY, CHEAP!

I shop for my Christmas candy, when I go to rummage and yard sales,

I only buy the real quality stuff, not sucked on by bugs or snails.

I do not worry about germs,

And, ignore the tiny worms,

Candy is so high in stores, but for less than a dollar, I buy pails.

BFB AND DROOL

Everyday each year, I got bullied on the way to school,

The two big bullies were Big Fist Buster, and his sidekick, Drool,

First, Drool did his bad thing,

He drooled on my left wing,

Then BFB busted my right wing; methinks my casts were cool.

DEER CAMP 2022

At deer camp, we got 16 deer, 4 goats and ten trolls,

And, Ron got two garden gnomes, methinks that he stoles,

And, Frederick The Peasant,

Thought he got a pheasant

But it was a skunk; not one of our goals.

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OH THE TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE, WHEN JUICY FLIES WE COULD RETRIEVE

Sneed was a spider, and a big, giant spider was Sneed,

He wrapped his webs throughout the house, for he was full of greed,

Greedy for the big, fat, flies,

Ones with eyeballs, full of eyes,

Sneed would suck out the juice from the flies; I couldn't watch the deed.

ON FRIDAY, ROTTEN FISH FILLS THE MORGUE

I went to a fast food place, for a fish between buns with a pop and fries,

I hung out there on Fridays to be with the local gals and local guys,

But, the fish had a awkward smell,

The stinky, should've been a tell,

We we're ghosted that day, seems when you eat stinky fish, everyone dies.