THE END OF THE UNIVERSE AND ME

What if the universe runs out of time,
Can I still eat my beef that is labeled as prime?
Can I admire my gardens of veggies and flowers?
Or, nip away at cheap whisky I flavor with sours?
When the universe ends for all these things I will pine,
So, I'll now increase consumption then, at the end I won't whine.

PATCHES DUG HOLES LIMERICKS

Patches was a dog who liked to did holes,
He dug up frogs and mice and little ground moles,
But, on one fine day,
Patches went away some say,
When a snake made Patches part of his fat rolls.

Patches dug holes to burry his meals,
Patches dug holes to hide the kids cars called Hot Wheels,
Patches was nice to your face,
But, he'd burry your briefcase,
Patches will burry most everything he steals.

THE HALLOWEEN BOO MALT

I put pepper and salt,

In my Halloween malt,

And a dash of sweet pumpkin too,

Along with spider eyes,

And little fat flies,

Makes you ready to burp out a "Boo!".

LEPRECHAUN LIMERICK

LEPRECHAUNS

There was a leprechaun named Pete,
Corned beef and cabbage was all he’d eat,
He was full of green gas,
And, could not get a lass,
He made music all night tweet, tweet, tweet.

THE PSYCHIC POWERS OF GRAPE JUICE

There was a psychic named Dottie Mapes,
She got her powers from the vine of grapes,
When she indulged she'd see such shapes,
Some were human and some were apes,

Sometimes her visions were just plain silly,
Like the monkey she saw named Colonel Willy,
He appeared wearing a Confederate hat,
He had a corn cob pipe and a baseball bat,

Willie liked to play checkers 'till morning,
Like most ghosts he'd be gone with no warning,
Grape juice, it seems, is not good for MS Mapes,
She'd best stick with juice not made out of grapes.

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HALLOWEEN MOON LIMERICK

Rachel played on her bassoon,

Rick spit into his spittoon,

Dick, Dave and Fred,

Danced the dance of the dead,

All, under an All Hallow's Day moon. 

I WENT TO VISIT THE BIG STATE FAIR

I went to the visit the big state fair,
Lots of big cows and fat piggys were there,
The chickens looked lean,
The goats were just mean,
The sheep all had mange and no hair.

THE FALL OF MY SUMMER

My woods is dying,

My eyes are crying,

Winter's here,

Warm days are dear,

And snowflakes will be flying.

THE BELL TOLLS FOR MY GOLDFISHES

My mom told me to clean my goldfish bowl,
I ignored her and left them smelly in their hole,
Mom got mad as a badly bugged bee,
So, in the birdbath set my fish free,
A robin made my fishes bell toll.

THE TORTOISE AND THE ECLAIR

There once was a tortoise who ate only eclairs,

The tortoise laid 3 eggs and from the 3 eggs came 3 bears,

Then there was the bird,

That nobody heard,

The bird got straight A's in school, but nobody cared.

THE DEMON DOG ATE ME AND MY HOG

He was a demon dog,

Who went and ate my hog,

Then he bit me,

I spilled my tea,

Then my dying brain was a fog.

THE HALLOWEEN DESERT LIMERICK

When my Halloween pumpkin started to smoke,

I put out the fire with my Coke,

With a fork, gave Pumpky a little poke,

Hoped no curse, he will invoke,

Now he's a pie, and that's no joke.

UNHAPPY HALLOWEEN

On every Halloween,

Most ghosts get really mean,

They want only candy, not hugs

They behave like real thugs,

And vampires, they're a worse scene. 

ALL I HAD

All I had was a bottle of glue,

Some tuna that had turned green and blue,

Some bug that had warts,

Little twigs of all sorts,

And that's what's in your supper stew.

BEWARE THE HUNGRY BEAR HAIKU

Beware, hungry bears,
People taste just like chicken,
A real treat for bears.

MY COOKIES SMELL

My cookies are tasting real funky,

And their smell, reminds me of skunky,

Of course the cookies I'll eat,

For my afternoon treat,

I'll just give them a deep coffee dunky.

WARPY, WARPY TIME MACHINE

Warpy, Warpy time machine,

Warp me to a place where I can clean,

Warp me not to a place of power,

Just warp to a place I can shower,

Warping makes one all guey-green

DINNER FOR ONE (When A Loner Eats Alone)

The meat from the can was supposed to be pork,

But, it was real chewy and tasted like cork,

So, I took a glug of my drink,

Which made my gums bleed and eyes blink,

And, the meat ran away with my fork.

JENNY FAKED CAKE

Jenny said she'd bake a scratch cake,

But, it came from a box and thus was a fake,

The frosting came from a can,

What a big fake cake plan,

And, her bragging was more than I could just take.
 

THE HALLOWEEN LEPRECHAUN LIMERICK

An evil leprechaun named Kinderbean,
Went trick and treating each Halloween,
He would steal candy bars,
He'd soap up windshields on cars,
And, in many more ways he was mean.

BARKLEY THE BUFFALO

Barkley was a buffalo,
He lived in Manistee,
And, everywhere that Barkley went,
He showed hostility,

Barkley tore up every bar,
He trampled people on the beach,
He showed road rage in his car,
His mind you could not reach,

Finally, they had to put Barkley down,
He was too dangerous and mean,
So, they chopped him up and made ground round,
Buffalo burger is really lean.

MY TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN III

My time machine broke down in the time of Ganges Khan,
It was a time where brains had no standing against brawn,
Khan was vicious and not real nice,
He spread plague infected lice,
I brought some back but, they escaped into my lawn.

All Alone Turkish March by Mozart

Lyrics by Leigh Collin Brandt, draft

All Alone I just sit in darkness, thinking all about you,

Like a stone, my heart is sinking for I dread a life alone,

In my head, I wish I'd not let you know that I could doubt you,

And I fear for all the things I said that I cannot atone, 

Still I know that I saw you kiss him with romantic passion,

And I felt as you embraced him you were pushing me away,

It made me feel like a habit that has fallen out of fashion,

Yet I still wish you'd return to me, when this night turns into day,

All alone I know I'll be sitting, as this darkness lasts forever,

No point in going out into a world that's grown ugly, cold

And my phone will lie lifeless, for it hears your sweet voice, never,

Only fading thoughts of yesterday, is the love I tightly hold.

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THERE WAS A SOUSE WITH A CAN OF BEANS OR, MY BROTHER TED

There was a souse with a can of beans,
My eldest brother Ted was his name,
He can do what he wants so long as the floor he cleans,
If he doesn’t then I’ll surely get the blame,

Ted is moving real slow because he was out all night,
I could punch him in the nose and he wouldn’t feel a thing,
I bet he’ll wander off as soon as I’m out of sight,
He’ll go to the bar where he can karaoke sing,

So mother’s tell your little devil child,
Not to do what Ted has done,
Ted just won’t grow up and forget being wild,
A guy like Ted is a terrible son.

SNAKES IN A TRAILER

Everyone knows the tale of old Ben Taylor,
For he had snakes inside his trailer,
There were menacing snakes of every type,
They all crawled in by his water pipe,

Ben was lying on his couch,
Beside his pipe and tobacco pouch,
The snakes surrounded him on the floor,
And, blocked his exit out the door,

It was time old Benny had to pay,
For he was a snake hunter in his day,
All over the earth he hunted the reptile,
He killed thousands with his guile,

The rattlesnake bit Benny on the knee,
The mamba bit his eyes so Benny couldn't see,
The cobra bit Benny as he struggled for the door,
The python gobbled Benny up when he fell on the floor,

The whole trailer was searched with hoes and with rakes,
But, no one ever found those nasty, nasty snakes,
Some say this story is nothing more than hype,
But, someone saw a cobra smoking old Benny's pipe.

TIGHTS ON A PIER

I went to the club and danced under the lights,

My eyes got all red, and everything was all brights,

I met someone dear,

We took a walk on the pier,

We found romance and got tights.

MY TETHER BALL IS STOLE

Someone stole my tether ball and left me just the string,

Now what am I supposed to do with just that stringy thing?

Do I play with it with passion?

Do I match cloths with it for fashion?

Maybe I'll buy a new tether ball, but I'll have to sell some bling.

THE EARLY CHRISTMAS TREE

I decided to get my Christmas tree early,

Because by Christmas they'll all be gone, surely,

I cut it down in the woods,

And against my outhouse it stoods,

But it lost the needles when the fall winds went whirly.

UNEMPLOYED AGAIN

I went to the boss over our earnings disparity,

He told me he didn't run a communist charity,

He said because I voiced a dislike,

I should go take a hike,

For complainers employed was a rarity.

I AM LEVER MAN

I gave the planet called world, a tremendous gift,

I invented the lever, now the world has some lift,

Now we can teeter and totter,

And drink lemon-lime water,

Until we're frozen and buried, in a real deep snow drift.

THE PIKE TOOK THE BLUEGILL BAIT

I went fishing for lunker bluegills at the bottom of the lake,

I knew a big fat earthworm was the bait that they'd take,

But along came a pike and the bluegills swam away,

And the pike grabbed my worm and I thought "happy day,"

But the pike's teeth cut my line, so he was never my prey. 

MY ROBOT'S NAME IS NED

My robot's name is Ned,

He's a help unless his battery goes dead,

He is average at checkers,

But, makes turkey-club double-deckers,

I keep him charged or the kids won't get fed.

SEAGULLS HAIKU

Seagulls, garbage sacks,

Rip, Tear, Pick, Peck, wind, big mess,

Labor, hours, BIRDS!!!

THE SMASHED HAND IN THE CAR DOOR HAIKU

Car door, closed, hand smashed,
Grave pains, suffering, scream, tears,
Bones broke, cast, woe me.

THE WEDDING CAKE LIMERICK

My cherry-chocolate wedding cake,

Took my aunt three days to make,

The frosting, divine,

Chased down with red wine,

And, the polka band increased intake.

TRENDING TUNA FISH

On trending media I found my wish, 

It was a recipe for baked tuna fish,

With all the spices galore,

It was hot, hot;  I want more,

But, the hot spices dissolved the glass dish.

DOCTOR SISTER DROOLS AND SLURPS AND BURPS AT LUNCH

I wish my sister would stop slurping and drooling,

For my lunch appetite is rapidly cooling,

At age 45,

She won't leave ma's hive,

Although sis has much advanced degree schooling.

WINSTON THE SILVER DIME

Winston was an old silver dime,
He was so lazy it was a crime,
He lay on a book shelf,
Being quietly stealth,
He was found and spent by a mime.

RUNAWAY AND THE BULLY

In the hall of bullies we count just nine,

Only one barked abuse, the others stayed fine,

But it does not matter,

The abused quickly scatter,

Like a bladder burst with pee tasting wine.

BENNY'S BAD HABIT

Benny had a bad habit in his head,
He liked to eat fish sticks while lying in bed,
Later, the fish stick debris would smell,
Which with family didn't go well,
So, Benny was exiled from the house to the shed.

THE ELF KING OF THE CARS

Wayland the Smith was the king of the elves,
He worked in Detroit making big engine valves,
He got really tired one day,
From his hard work at little pay,
So, he led his elves to make cars for themselves.

I HIRED ELVES

I hired elves, 

To build some shelves,

They are boards of wood,

They've held up good,

They stand eights x twelves.

JIM PLAYED THE PICCOLO

Jim tried to play the piccolo,
But, his dim mind would work so slow,
When the band was done,
Jim was on note one,
He needs to get busy and blow.

GET THE RIGHT GLUE

I laid some new tile upon my floor,

Across my kitchen to the outside door,

But, the tiles did not stick,

The tile glue was a mis-pick,

So, I had to buy a different glue at the store..

WHEN DO PIGS FLY?

Everyone wonders when pigs fly,
I happen to know it’s on the 4th of July,,
They strap on firecrackers that night,
Then, they light them and fly out of sight,
So, pigs fly but no one knows why?
 

THE UNLIKABLE TREE

There was this unlikable tree,

Upon which, even dogs would not pee,

It had no bug guest,

Nor a birdie nest,

With my ax, I made it root free.

DEEP DITCH FISHING

In great lakes and great oceans fishermen find their riches,

But, I find my best fishing along roads with deep ditches,

Among the cattails are the muckers,

Those tasty crawdads and blood suckers,

Of course, you must beware so none get into your britches. 

  

I'VE GOT MARTIN PEGGED

Marvin cut off his arms and legs,

He had them replaced with hickory pegs,

Now he walks on all fours,

But can't open doors,

Is he sane? That question begs.

BACKWOODS MICHIGAN HEART CLOGGING DIET LIMERICK

I love my bacon grease fried potaters,
I flavor them with garden green tomaters,
With scrambled eggs on the side,
And venison steak grilled with pride,
Such foods to my senses they caters.

ROY WAS A COY, TOY, SOY EATING BOY

There once was a boy,

His mama called him Roy,

He only had his toy,

He ate only beans called soy,

Never loved cause he was coy.

DISAGREEMENTS INEVITABLE

They might be a complete stranger,

They might be your kith and your kin,

The only one that thinks just like you do,

Is the person that's wearing your skin.

THE TWO LITTLE SILOS SAGA, IN LIMERICK FORM

There were two little silos, sitting as neighbors in a field,

When one silo overflowed, the other would absorb the yield,

Then one day one caught fire,

It burned like an old truck tire,

Now there's only one silo, and he got scorched real bad and peeled.

MY WORM BAIT LIMERICK

I thought I'd go fishing so, I picked up some worms,

I thought I'd catch keepers on my living bait terms,

But, the big fish weren't hard hitting,

My worms they were spitting,

I caught just minnows instead of large pachyderms.

I GAVE MY GOLDFISH FOOD LIMERICK

I gave my goldfish a dash of fish food,
But, I didn't measure it, so guess what dude?
Although my goldfish is fed,
He is all puffy and dead,
And a toilet funeral seems awfully rude.

KALKASKA: THE WOLFMAN'S LAIR

Kalkaska is the Wolfman's lair,

For he feasts on deer, bobcat and bear,

He eats fishermen who are very plump,

Also, hunters who have a fat, tender pump,

But, hikers he just likes to scare.

WHY I LOST MY APPETITE FOR A CHRISTMAS GOOSE

Christmas is coming, and I didn't know where the goose was at,

Turns out it had a lover, and the lover was a bat,

Now the babies fly around, the gats and bease,

Honking, hissing, leaving me little peace,

I think for Christmas dinner, we'll eat my kid's pet big white rat.

Rainbow In The Trees (Birdies and Rainbows)

I admire a pretty rainbow, sitting in the trees,

It's a pretty rainbow, pretty as you please,

And, a birdie lands to admire the rainbow, sitting in the trees,

Then, the birdie squats a little then, the birdie pees,

So the rainbow is embarrassed and the rainbow quickly flees.

TWO BIRDS FOUGHT OVER THE SAME NEST

Two birds fought over the same nest,
One was a sparrow; the other a robin red breast,
The sparrow was short and relatively small,
The robin big and by comparison tall,
The sparrow retreated because he thought it was best.

DEER, JAIL AND, MUSHROONS

I shot a deer that was too small,
But, the arresting officer, he stood tall,
Now, after six months in jail,
I'll get out my mushroom pail,
And, search for the elusive puffball.

THE QUILLS AND THRILLS OF JASON JOHN JR.

Jason John Jr. was a man seeking  great thrills,
Jason John Jr. was covered with porcupine quills,
He once bested a bear,
Gave a rhino a scare,
One touch and any beast runs for the hills.