I’M JUST A POOR HILLBILLY BEER DRINKING SLOB

I live in a trailer the county is about to condemn,
I wake up each morning with my lungs full of phlegm,
My girlfriend left me for a man with a job,
She said I was just a hillbilly beer drinking slob,

I can’t work computers or barely a phone,
And, the state IRS just won’t leave me alone,
I got no money for lawyers, so they know I’m easy to rob,
Because I’m just a poor hillbilly beer drinking slob,

I can’t pay any rent; soon I’ll be out in the cold,
All my stuff to the pawn shops, I’ve already sold,
If I had a beer, over my beer I would sob,
For I’m just a poor hillbilly beer drinking slob.

THE PSYCHIC POWERS OF GRAPE JUICE

There was a psychic named Dottie Mapes,
She got her powers from the vine of grapes,
When she indulged she'd see such shapes,
Some were human and some were apes,

Sometimes her visions were just plain silly,
Like the monkey she saw named Colonel Willy,
He appeared wearing a Confederate hat,
He had a corn cob pipe and a baseball bat,

Willie liked to play checkers 'till morning,
Like most ghosts he'd be gone with no warning,
Grape juice, it seems, is not good for MS Mapes,
She'd best stick with juice not made out of grapes.

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MR. MEADE WAS AN INSTRUMENTAL STAR

Mr. Meade was truly a rare instrumental star,
He played "Flight of the Bumblebee" on trumpet or guitar,
He played in Chicago and New Orleans,
And, in Japan and the Philippines,
From a poor small town he really went far.

GEORGE CELEBRATED THE NEW YEAR TOO MUCH

George celebrated the New Year,
By drinking way, way too much beer,
He got so sick that he thought he'd die,
Meanwhile the months days would fly by,
He's not sober and February is near.

RALPHIE SWORE HE'D STAY OFF THE DRINK LIMERICK

Ralphie swore that he’d stay off the drink,
It would have gone well except for his girlfriend Ann Klink,
She was not real nice,
And, with a bottle of spiced rum she’d entice,
Ralphie ended up vomiting all night in the sink.

DRINKING BAD WHISKEY HAIKU

Drinking bad whiskey,
Stomach curls, dry heaves, pain,
Morning after milk.

TIME FROM A BOTTLE HAIKU

Time from a bottle,
Gallon red wine, smooth, laughs, tears,
Meal, down a toilet.