PAUL WENT TO THE GYM LIMERICKS

Paul went to the gym,
He believed he would become slim,
But, Paul loved butter fried rice,
And, fried cheese tasted so nice,
Paul’s weight goal was dimmer than dim.

Paul went to the gym to win,
He was hefty and wanted to be thin,
He worked out each day and each night,
But, on the scales he didn’t become light,
Because with cheesy pizza and pasta he’d sin.

With his girlfriend Paul went to the gym,
He wanted to look better for his girlfriend Kim,
But, one day when he went there,
He saw Kim smooching with Pierre,
So, Paul went pasta binging with big brother Tim.

MY LITTLE RED BARN IS NO MORE LIMERICK

My little red barn is no more,
The snow on the roof pushed the roof to the floor,
And, as for my cows,
They suffered ouches and oughs,
But, their safe though their homeless and poor.

THE LIZARD MAN OFFICIAL LIMERICK

Lizard man hunts in the woods by the bay,
Hunting wild boars and pigs that go stray,
Lizard man can smell,
Hams like a dinner bell,
Once smelled they won't get away.

ICY SIDEWALK HAIKU

Icy, sidewalk, slip,
Strain, unbalanced, fall, impact,
Leg broke, bones heal, spring,

MY TIME LOOP LOOPED ME WRONG

My time loop looped me wrong,

I got stuck singing a grade school song,

I wanted the college scene,

Not the pre-teen in-between,

Now I'm in first grade playing video, Kong.

FULL DIAPERS COOKED IN A CAR, AND BREAKFAST

My pancakes smell like fungi feet,

So no one would give them an eat,

My eggs, no one would chance,

Because of a smell circumstance,

Like diapers, cooked on a carseat.

THE GRADER-GUY SMILES

My mailbox sat in a snowbank and the grader was coming near,

Soon my mail would be all over, because the grader was no dear,

BAM! my mail flew into space,

Grader-guy smiled across his face,

My mailbox was crushed to pieces, so I shed a little tear.

I CURSED THE BEACHES OF SNOW

One fall I sat in a warm sun driven glow,

Then, came the blizzard bringing beaches of snow,

I am not vocally proud,

I cursed profusely out loud,

For it would be six months before the warm glow I'd know.

I WOES MY TOES AND NOSE

I use to have some toes,

But yesterday they froze,

Along with the point of my nose,

So to surgery I goes,

Now for my toes and nose, I woes.  

SNOWY, ICY ROAD LIMERICK

Went out driving in a snowstorm, and lost my way,

Went sliding and gliding into a Lake Huron Bay,

The thin ice I tested,

By the cold water, got bested,

So I'll spend the night; should get pulled out; break of day.

MY SNOW ADVENTURE LIMERICK OPUS 9

I had an adventure out in the snow,

It was drifting and drifting and it gave me a blow,

I did not feel fine,

For the blow broke my spine,

Now off in the ambulance I go.

I WAS SO BAD, I ENDED UP IN CHUM'S CORNERS

I went to a party down state in Pontiac,

Woke up in Chum's Corners in a  tin lean-to shack,

Felt kind of rough,

Ate some strawberry fluff,

Can't go anywhere, because funds I do lack.

FARMER THORN

There once was a farmer named Hank Thorn
He grew the very sweetest sweet corn,
But  along came a flood,
His field filled with crud,
Now he looks at his mud flats with scorn.

THE UNBUNDLEABLE TECH MAN

My tech is too tightly bundled,

It's confusing and it makes me soar,

I'd really like to unbundle the stuff,

And, through what I don't want right out the door,

I've been told I need a flowchart,

To keep me organized,

But, with games, TV, internet and more,

I'm stone frozen, like gorganized,

I call and they say "can I help you?" 

I'm thinking, "that's the first lie," 

Then, they expound on why they can't help,

Then, they hangup with sometimes a goodbye.      

MY FISH FARM FROZE

My fish farm froze with the first deep freeze,
A pond so solid you can skate on it with ease,
But, I don't care,
For I know my fish are there,
And, I don't have to feed them or treat them for disease.

THERE'S A POTATOE GROWING IN MY PARASITE INFESTED PANTS

Last fall out in my garden, I got a tater in my cloths,

It made a home in my painter pants, and now it grows and grows,

Guessing the fert, I had lots of maybes,

Turns out taters love dead scabies,

I now have a tater farm, and my painter paints, I sews.

MY BEAR RELATIONS

Pepper spray was what I used,

When by grizzly bear I felt abused,

Now, his eyes might be soar,

But, me thinks I'm hurt more,

Since, my innards have outwardly oozed.

Tiger, Tiger brush your teeth

Tiger, tiger don't eat my kite,

Or I'll whoop you in a fight,

Make sure your teeth are sharp and white,

When they rip my flesh tonight,

Do it fast because time is tight,

Gotta catch the bus at dawn's first light.

I SWAM 3 METERS

I swam 3 meters and sank down 4,

If I hadn't stopped swimming I would have sunk down more,

Of course, I'm a human,

I'm not a fish,

And, swimming makes my human parts feel very sore.

THE IRS AND MY SUMS

My sums don't work, the IRS says,

They suggested I was high from my diet of  Pezz,

The IRS threatened fines and some jail,

As they read my signed forms with detail,

So, I quietly moved to Juarez.

THE SEA BASS OR CHICKEN AROMA

Allen ate fried chicken and it gave him gas,
He sat and hoped that his bloating gut would pass,
Then, his girlfriend Helen stopped by,
And, Allen passed his chicken fry,
Helen wondered if Allen's chicken was sea bass.

THE POOR ON POOR DINE, MY NEIGHBORHOOD IN DECLINE

Things are real fine in my far neighbor's hood,

The people live within fences, and behave really good,

But where I work, live and stay,

We got the low, low, low pay,

So people have perm borrowed things, when they could.

THE CHOPPER AND MY LOST, MANGLED KITE

I flew my kite on one windy day,

Then along came a chopper that cut it away,

The chopper-man gave me a smile,

While all the while,

My kite blew far, far astray.

I knew that my kite was forever gone,

For I waited up waiting from dusk till the dawn,

And, I feared once in the trees,

My kite would be mangled by breeze,

And, pieces spread over somebody's lawn. 

DINNER 2+ AND MOO

It might be enough for you,

But I like to eat dinner, two,

And most time I eat three,

The fourth, in front of TV,

Then I nightcap with warm milk from a moo. 

I WOKE UP WITH THE HEAD OF FRANKENSTEIN

I thought I looked really fine,
Until I woke up as Frankenstein,
The scientist was insane,
Who implanted my brain,
And stitched together this monster with twine.

SNOW AND ONIONS

My truck is stuck in 4 feet of snow,

But, I have 400 feet to go,

So, I followed a rabbit right down his hole,

Which he shared with two bears and a troll,

 They fried me with onions with coals all aglow.

SOUP ON THE STOOP

I sit out on my stoop,

Eating four leg soup,

I take my pills,

Blow out my gills,

And, do the hula hoop.

MY GERBIL DOES NOT GERB NO MORE

My gerbil does not gerb no more,
He passed away on his gerbil cage floor,
I had him 31 days,
I even built him a maze,
And, 30 days is return policy at the store. .

THE RAVE SCOUT AND THE BEAR

I had a real bad scare,

When I was eaten by that bear,

He ate me arms, he ate me legs,

For those appendages, I now need pegs,

On that night that I would rue,

I was in the green forest, sky dark blue,

I was scouting for a place to rave,

When I came upon a big bear cave,

I was a rave scout, it paid the bills,

If I could provide the ravers thrills,

I figured the bear would provide great stills,

And, more excitement if there were kills, 

I thought that first I should explore,

It would be easy, there was no door

Methinks myself a cunning knave,

When I sneaked up on that big bear cave,  

Then, the bear came out with a pleasant smile,

So, we both stood grinning for a while,

Alas, he did smite me with his claws,

And, ripped off my limbs with his drooling jaws,

Finally, he left me with my stumps,

Lurking into the forest with grumbles and grumps,

And, as I lied there awaiting death,

I thought boy, that bear had real bad breath.  

VALENTINE'S DAY + BUGS = NO SMOOCHING

Ray wanted to smooch with his girlfriend Mandy,

So, on Valentine's Day he gave his girlfriend candy,

The candy was all full of bugs,

Of course no kisses or hugs,

Instead, his ex-girlfriend is smooching with Andy.
 

CHEWY CHEWY CLANG CLANG

The months in Michigan before May,

I charge my battery all day,

Between the mice and the rats,

The skunks and the bats,

My wires are chewed to a fray. 

CAPITALISM, CANNIBALISM, AND THE HIGH PRICE OF EGGS

I went to a robin, and I had to beg,

My muffin mix, required an egg,

My small paycheck reward,

Means no groceries I've stored,

I've ate the wife, the kids and Aunt Meg.

I HAVE TOO MANY MEAN VALENTINES

How do you know if you have too many valentines?

When together they confront you, that's one of the signs,

And, when you have poison in your belly

From your eggs, toast and jelly,

Then, they bury you out back in the pines.

TITUS THE TERRIBLE WAS A MAN IN THE PAST

Because Titus was one of the old boys,

He still loved ticker tape and tinker toys,

No modern stuff,

Titus was tough,

He ate red meat and never soys.

I BUILT A MONSTER

I built me a monster out of body parts and old souls,

I wanted a friend, but it had other goals,

It conquered the earth,

Which hurt my net worth,

And it used it's strength to rip me new holes.

THE ADVENTURES OF NANCY DEBBIE TEW

Nancy Debbie Tew,

Climbed trees that had a view,

She scraped her knee,

And swallowed a bee,

The tree manufacturer, she sue.

THE BEAVER, PANSY AND FRIENDS

Pansy was a beaver, and she dove for fish all day,

Nancy had a clever, and cleaned fish down by the bay,

Pansy sold Nancy fresh fish,

Chef Helen bought the fish for a dish,

They all loved their work, though the profits were only o.k.

MY GOLDFISH PLAYS DEAD

My goldfish is good at playing dead,
He's done it for the past two weeks,
He can even make a dead goldfish smell,
For his fishbowl really wreaks,

My goldfish is so clever,
At playing that he is no more,
He can float on his back forever,
But, his actions start to bore,

I've had it with my goldfish,
I won't give him anymore food,
Until he starts to swim around,
And, entertain this dude.

MY JACK CAME LOOSE

I rotated my tires and you want to know what?

My jack came loose and I got pinned cross the gut,

Although I felt massive pain,

I kept steady my brain,

And, did not lose a single lug nut.

BOB THE PICCOLO FLUTE PLAYER WITH GAS

Bob liked to play the piccolo flute,
But when he’d blow air, out the back end he’d toot,
It did not sound really fancy,
It made the audience very antsy,
So the band leader gave Bob the boot.

VAMPIRE POETRY

Out  in the distance between the days,
A Vampire was born,
He lived in visual night and haze,
A prince whom many scorn,

Those that journey out into the night,
Where the prince of vampires waits,
Must know he's there not for the fright,
It's the blood that satiates.

Blood drawn deep down from the neck,
By demons made long ago,
Creatures not fit for heavan or heck,
Unloved, undead they know.

Vengence is a lonely child,
Kept pregnant deep within,
When let loose it's mind is wild,
The base of original sin.

I INVENTED THE INTERNET OR, WAS THAT SOMEONE ELSE?

Everyone wants a claim to fame,

As long as it's good and not some kind of shame,

Did the internet I invent,

Or, do I just pay for its rent,

And, when it goes down will I get the blame?

GNOMES STEAL MY PASTRIES AND DRINK MY BEER

Gnomes have been eating up my apple fritters,
They seem to be evil, pastry eating critters,
Gnomes, invade my home everyday,
Upon my sweet pastries they prey,
Then, they wash them down with my very best bitters.

THERE WAS A LITTLE CHICKEN NAMED SOUP

There was a little chicken named soup,
She shot baskets using a wing shot at the hoop,
But, as chicken soup grew older,
She developed a bad shoulder,
So, she retired to raise chicks in here coup.

A BANANA MUTED MY TOOT

My trumpet I tried and tried to make toot,
It didn't work because it was stuffed with a fruit,
It seems my dear nanna,
Didn't like her banana,
The fruit fit my trumpet but, not grandpa's flute.

BIGFOOT IS GOING TO EAT ME

In Michigan it gives me scares,
Here, Bigfoot ate up all the bears,
Now, will the Bigfoot come for me?
I'm really tender, if not tasty,

Oh Bigfoot, Bigfoot in the night,
Go away, don't cause me fright,
Now that all the bears are gone,
I fear your comming from dusk till dawn,

Oh mighty Bigfoot please go away,
Birds taste better I would say,
Try eating rabbit or maybe deer,
I taste like veggies and smell like beer.

BIRD FEEDER

My little bird gives his feathers tugs,

So he can get a meal of bugs,

He's so shy,

He won't fly high,

Instead he hunts more bugs in my rugs.

SNOWBOARD DOWN

Jim weighed 500 lbs, so his snowboard wouldn't go,

Except when Jim got on it the board sank in the snow,

So Jim stayed inside the ski lodge,

Played pool with his friend Rodge,

Couldn't wait till back home he could go.

BEN WALKED IN THE WOODS

Ben walked in the woods, overheated and froze,

He had ticks on his skin, and bugs up his nose,

He was very itchy,

Smelled of pine pitchy,

When he got home, he took a bath in his cloths.

I MAKE A NICE HOME

I thought the car weight the ice could take,

When I drove my pickup out on the lake,

I instantly froze, 

When under I goes,

Now my bones are a home to two bass and a snake.

I FROZE MY WAY TO HADES

I stepped outside onto ice and down steep steps I slid,

Smacked my head on the car, and went off the grid,

I died when I slowly froze,

Was greeted by my dead nanna, Rose,

I knew I was in Hades, because I spied grandpa Sid.

MY GOOD NEIGHBOR, SHOOT AND LOOT

My neighbors name is shootie,

He said shooting me was his duty,

He aimed for my head,

And shot me real dead,

So my home he is free to go lootie.

THE SNOW MOON LIMERICK

I went out to see the Snow Moon,

It was cute like my baby raccoon,

Then the moon disappeared,

Behind clouds that I feared,

And it snowed until the mid part of June.

HORSEY DORSEY ON TWITTER

Horsey Dorsey had four feet,

Horsey Dorsey liked to tweet,

When his hooves would quickly pound,

He made a galloping hoof sound,

Unless he had music, then he'd pound to the beat.

TOWING

I had a tow truck and I went out towing,

But I could not see where I was going,

Then there was a pitch,

And I flipped into the ditch,

Now the grass over my grave, they keep mowing.

WINTER WOED ME GOOD

It is the winter of my woe,

It got so cold I froze my toe,

Can't pay for heat, I'm out of doe,

The roof caved in because of snow,

I'm burning books, so heat I'll know.

IF I REALLY LIKED THE SNOW

If I really liked the snow,

Then today, outside I'd go,

I'd make snow angels, and make wings grow,

I'd build a fort; give enemies woe,

I'd cannon snowballs at sister, foe.

MY BELLY AILS FROM FISH BONES AND SCALES

I went ice fishing and caught 3 tiny fish,

I was hungry so I made a Pattie dish,

I left in the bones and on the scales,

The Pattie gave my belly ails,

I should have stayed home, that's what I wish.

GROUND HOG HYGIENE

My ground hog felt he'd gain friends and power,

By smelling better after a shower,

Instead of shampoo, he grabbed bleach,

It was a moment to teach,

He smells like a gym pool, instead of a flower.

MY LITTLE GROUNDHOG HAD A BAD DAY

My little groundhog had a bad day,

It snowed so he could not go out and play,

Then his computer was broke,

When he spilled on it his Coke,

Maybe tomorrow things will be breaking his way.