It's Christmas, And There Ain't No Pleasing My Kid

I went out and found a Christmas tree,

It stood straight and tall, at 6'3"

I sawed it down,

Hauled it back to town,

My kid, she insisted I set it free.

THE REMAINS OF THE DAY (THANKSGIVING)

I had to remove all the remains,

My family ate turkey, the meat and the veins

But, when it came to eating bones,

The bones might as well been hard stones,

They chose pie a la mode and weight gains.

MARK WENT LOOKING FOR TURKEY

Mark was asked to find turkey for Thanksgiving,
So, at the mill he quit his job of riving,
He hoped on a plane,
For a turkey to gain,
In Istanbul you will find Mark still living.

CHEF BOBBY MAKES THE BEST SALAD

Bobby was the greatest chef,

He was the greatest chef around,

He made his meals all from scratch,

Then fed them to his hound,

On Thanksgiving Bobby had some dinner guests,

 To show off some cooking feats,

For an appetizer he made a of kind of stew,

With pickled marinated beets,

 

Bobby cooked a turkey,

Until it's skin was golden brown,

Bobby basted the turkey with peanut oil,

It was the best turkey in the town,

Bobby made some turkey stuffing,

He added cheddar cheese,

He also added ground black pepper,

This made his guest all sneeze,

Bobby made some salad,

He added carob seed,

Hemixed in all the greens he found,

But mostly it was weed.

BERNIE AND BENNY AND THE GREAT CYBER WAR

Bernie and Benny were enemies since they were four,
At everything they'd compete for the very top score,
Their tech companies competed viciously online,
Destroying each other with each techno-landmine,

The boys deployed a million geeks in every attack,
To destroy each other's systems in one massive whack,
Then, the world Internets fried and could be resurrected no more,
Ending with technogedden, the Great Cyber War. 

ICICLES: MY DOGGIE AND THE BEAR

My icicles fell off the roof, 

They melted, so I don't have the proof,

They fell on a big bear,

He gave my doggie a scare,

My doggie gave the bear a "woof, woof".

THE BIRD FEEDER LIMERICK

Little birds have a terrible food need,
So, I kept my bird feeder just full of seed,
But, the squirrels out there,
Robbed my feeder just bare,
Those squirrels are just full of greed.

 

DEAR CAMP THREE (I'M LIP SMACKING GOOD)

I went to deer camp, and a cougar was there,

She ripped out my throat, and there was blood in the air,

I could not utter a word,

And, the last thing I heard,

Were kitty cougar smacking lips at the lair.

MY GOLDEN THANKSGIVING TURKEY

I bought a golden turkey for my Thanksgiving holiday,
He was really cheap and cost me so very little pay,
But, it was really hard to eat,
His gold leaf covered meat,
And, my ulcers should be healed up by next May.

DEER CAMP 2022

At deer camp, we got 16 deer, 4 goats and ten trolls,

And Ron got two garden gnomes, methinks that he stoles,

And Frederick The Peasant,

Thought he got a pheasant

But it was a skunk; not one of our goals.

LENNY THE CHRISTMAS GOOSE

Lenny was a Christmas goose,
He was hunted while on the loose,
He did not get shot,
And, end up in a pot,
Because he died his feathers chartreuse.

Guppies Too Many

There were too many guppies in the tank,

They all soon died, and it stank,

With a flush and a flow,

To the septic they go,

I'll buy more, once I go to the bank.

THE GOOD AND BAD WITCHES

Two little witches met way out in the wood

One was really bad, the other really good,

Their friendship was tight,

But the good witch did not bite,

The bad witch that bit, lived in a hungry hood.

SHOULD I

Should I give the dog a bone?

Should I play the baritone?

Should I eat an ice cream cone?

Should I talk with softer tone?

Should I pay my student loan?

Should I buy a new cell phone?

Should I rent or should I own?

Should foul language I condone?

Should I park in a no parking zone?

Should I fly an aerial drone?

Should my golfing skills I hone?

Why do the answers remain unknown?

I RAN OVER MY FOOT WITH A MOWER LIMERICK

I ran over my foot with a mower,
Now, I’m walking a little bit slower,
My foot is really soar,
When it comes down on the floor,
I’m giving up land to be a tin boat rower.

I DON'T PUT THE QUARTERS IN MY LEAKY POT

I took a pottery class and made me a pot,
But, it didn't hold liquids because it leaked a lot,
So, I stored in it my change,
The denominational range,
Except quarters, I spend all that I got.

SALLY PLAYED THE RECORDER LIMERICK

Sally could play the recorder,
She broke hers and put one on order,
It was sent one day,
But, to Sally’s dismay,
The recorder was sent north of the border.

MYRNA PLAYED THE PIPE ORGAN LIMERICK

Myrna played the pipe organ,
She did not play it very well,
That’s why all around her home,
The neighbors all wanted to sell,

 Myrna chased all the dogs away,
And, the little kitty cats too,
Her horrible noise was just so bad,
 Away all the birdies flew,

Myrna‘s husband at last had enough,
 He stuffed full the pipes with gum,
So, Myrna took up a new instrument,
And, started beating on her drum.

FOUR FROGS PLAYED LAWN JARTS

Four Frogs Played Lawn Jarts,
Oh my, oh me,
One got stuck by a lawn jart and then there were three,

Three frogs played lawn jarts,
Down by the lake,
One wandered off and was ate by a snake,

Two frogs played lawn jarts,
But really one was a toad,
And that was the one that was squashed on the road,

One frog played lawn jarts,
He won every game,
But, playing lawn jarts alone is incredibly lame.

Warning:  Lawn Jarts is a dangerous game and should not be played by frogs.

 

GREAT BULLFROGS THE SIZE OF DEER

In a hidden pond they did appear,
Great big bullfrogs the size of deer,
One ate a bear, 
That made me scare,
Now, in the tavern I'll drink my beer.

HIGHWAY TEXTING AND BRIDGES AND TOADS

Trish would text while driving down the highway,
It seems that she had much she needed to say,
But, while texting friend Midge,
She drove off of a bridge,
Her mobile service was cancelled that day.

Trish liked to text as she drove down the road,
She once swerved her car when glancing a toad,
The toad is O.K.
But, Trish had to pay,
Since, she crashed into an old man's abode.  

I JARTED THE ZOMBIES

The zombies were coming and I was alone in my shack,

I had nothing to fight off a great zombie attack,

I looked under my bug filled cot,

I found the lawn jarts I'd forgot,

I killed the zombies then made my evac.

THE VOLE POACHER

I took off to Canada across Lake Superior ice,

I came to open water and had to rethink my plan thrice,

I'm hunted by a G-man because I hunted voles to eat,

I barely got the voles half fried when, through the front door comes the heat,

I ran out the back door with dogs chasing after me,

Unfortunately, they were my dogs barking my locality,

I could just see frozen Lake Superior when I felt hot lead graze my thigh,

My bag of chaw was shot down and I ask Dear Lord, why oh, why? 

So, I came to open water and it looked like a cold, cold swim, 

And, even if I made it I'd have no chaw at the Canadian rim,

I've spent many years in prison pondering the error of eating voles for din,

I wish I had made it to Canada where eating voles isn't considered a sin. 

UNICORN HORN

I've been eating dear meat since I was Born,🍔

Today I got hankering for the Unicorn,🦄

I went unicorn hunting,🏹

Found a big one was grunting,👀

He horned me through the heart, now I'm torn.💔😵

FALL SNOW

As fall begins to go,

Along comes the snow,

First pretty, and then a foe,

Then in inches it starts to grow,

Snowblower man takes all my doe.

HENRY'S RUN

Henry ate tainted pork, then said he couldn't stay,

So he ran to the toilet which was two blocks away,

He ran into a nun,

That ended his run,

Henry now smelled of poor hygiene, so the nun made him pray.

PUS ON MY BAGEL, NO THANKS

My bagel had no cream cheese, so I put up a fuss,

The diner said they had no cream cheese, because it turned to pus,

I felt a shame,

Putting the diner to blame,

Then I went back driving, the town local passenger bus. 

IN MY TURKEY DINNER DREAM

In my turkey dinner dream,

There was never sour cream,

Like ships in the navy,

Taters floated in gravy,

I will resist your cream scheme.

WE FRY GREENS

I went and picked a bunch of greens,

I fried them crisp with grease and beans,

My family's fat,

My dog and cat,

We eat well, and will never be leans.

MY MASTODON HAD A RUNNY NOSE

My mastodon had a runny nose,

It had pressure like an in use fire hose,

The pressure knocked me head over heel,

It made my skin peal,

So, I capped the nose with reinforced pantie hose.

   

I BECAME A SOCIAL WEATHERMAN

I joined a club to be with birds of a feather,

Didn't realize that club studied bad weather,

In the tornadoes and rain,

I ached with arthritis pain,

Would have blown away, without my tether. 

CAN'T GET VOTES, SO I HERD GOATS

On election day, I got no votes,

They didn't register, when tabulating the totes,

So I'll swallow my pride,

Go somewhere and hide,

And spend the next four years herding goats.

THE BITTER SPITTER BIRD

I had a bird that would tweet and twitter,

Then he ate something really bitter,

Now he don't tweet,

Hard to coax him to eat,

He is silent, but now he's a spitter.

GINGER, GINGER, GINGER IS THE STUFF

I wear ginger on my head,

I like ginger in my bread,

And whatever the fame,

Ginger is a good name,

If eat a little you'll feel well fed.

EMBEZZLEMENT SHOT THE SHERIFF JOB DOWN

I'm running for sheriff and I think I already lost,

I got arrested seven times and I'm sure that'll cost,

As an accountant I get no thanks,

I've been embezzling banks,

My trial starts in spring and will end before last frost.

WHAT DREAD, IT'S GOING TO BE MONDAY SOON

Every single Sunday,

I dread the next day, called Monday,

I can't sit home,

Relax my dome,

Watching TV wearing just my undie.

HAPPY GUY FAWKES DAY, UNLESS YOU'RE MADAM POLLY

Today I took a walk with my ugliest big dolly,

I got her at age two, and named her Madam Polly,

I took her to the glen,

With her doll friends Mike and Ben,

It was November five, Polly paid for Guy's big folly.

I RESPECT THE COWS

I love cows because from them comes cheese,🧀💓

Cows make my milk and scent my breeze,🍶💩👃

Ode to the farm,🐖🐎🦃🐔🐓😳

May the cows know no harm,🐮

Except for the hind quarter, I freeze.🐄🍔

THE CHEESECAKE LIMERICK

As I was smoking on my fresh bought greens,

I decided to open some canned beans,

And found in them a snake,

Eating caramel cheesecake,

I had none, cause that's not where my diet leans.

MIKE THE TURKEY WILL BE EATEN

Mike the turkey went to higher ground,

Where he thought his safety sound,

But hunter Pete,

Wanted turkey meat,

And got poor Mike with just one round.

MY GREAT EXPECTATIONS

I was born having great expectations,

Alas, they stayed only aspirations,

For when I grew up,

It took all my coin just to sup,

In mom's basement, smoking my medications.

BENNY AND HIS UNIVERSE AND PIE

Benny has a great big tree,
Where he sits up in the sky,
Eating his potato chips,
And, eating apple-pumpkin pie,

Benny ponders on the universe,
While filling up his face,
And, wishes for a soda pop,
To fill his existential place.

WHY I CAN'T HUNT NO MORE

I went out hunting bear,
The bear went out hunting me,
I dropped my gun and went on the run,
But the bear beat me to my RV,

I went out hunting deer,
I shot at an enormous buck,
I missed and hit a little doe,
My fine could have bought truck,

I went out hunting turkeys,
But I did not see a one,
I accidentally shot my neighbors goose,

Then a judge said my hunting was done.

MY HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN SPICE CAKE

The only way I'll make a cake,🍩

Is if it's fried; I never bake.💥

I'll include a pinch of pumpkin spice,🎃

It's Halloween, it will taste nice,👻💩

Then, I'll serve it with fried eggs and stake.🐔🐮

THERE WAS NOTHING BUT METHANE ON PLANET D

There was nothing but methane on old planet "D",

Then, I lit up my cigar and the planet went "B",
Oh what a day,
It blew me away,
Now, I'm flying at light speed by old planet "Z".

HALLOWEEN CANDY FOR MONSTERS

I never knew a zombie who didn't like brains packed in his lunch,

I never knew a vampire who didn't like blood in his blood punch,

I never knew a witch who didn't munch on bat,

Or, a ghoul who didn't snack on the corpse of a rat,

I never knew a werewolf who did not like to make bones crunch. 

THE DEMON DOG AND THE WEREWOLVES

When you go out trick or treating, 

That's when werewolves will be eating,

But a demon dog,

Who eats like a hog,

On werewolves he be feeding.

WHY DREAM OF MARS

Celine looked out the window at cars,
While dreaming of moving to mars,
But, mars is all gravel and rocks,
With sundial tic-tocs,
And, all there dream of moving to stars. 

SOME SAY MY HOUSE IS HAUNTED

Someone said that when I go sleepy,
Then my house looks really creepy,
It creeks and cracks,
It coughs and hacks,
It cries like it is weepy.

THE MEAN MARTIAN FOUND ME ON HALLOWEEN LIMERICK

I decided to hide all night, Halloween,

Witches, vampires, werewolves are just not my seen,

Then, down from the sky,

A martian dropped by,

And, bit me because he was mean.

FARE THEE WELL MY PUMPKIN PATCH

Fare thee well my Pumpkin Patch,

May you  grow pumpkins that I might hatch,

So that I might take the seeds,

For on such yields my family feeds,

And, some seeds to sow next season's batch. 

CHICKENS DON'T GO TO HEAVEN LIMERICK

Chickens don't go to heaven when they die,
Sometimes they are roasted but, most often they fry,
Though cleaning chickens may sicken,
Fried outsides are finger-lickin'
And, the innards make a tasty pot pie.

DEMON DAZE AT THE GROCERY STORE

100 hungry demons came storming through my door,

They ate my pets and family, still they wanted more,

I know demons are really bad,

But I couldn't see them looking sad,

So I gave them lots of money and sent them to the grocery store.

I WINTER IN MICHIGAN LIMERICK

In winter out in Michigan's deep pine woods,
I've lived mostly on canned beans and a lot of dry goods,
I've lived in just shacks and old trailers,
With secondhand shops for tailors,
And, ate deserts of dried berries and puds.

I WAS DISARMED BY A HUNGRY ZOMBIE

A zombie who had no charm,

Bit off my pretty right arm,

Then after he fed,

He walked away with the dead,

I reincarnated as a pig on a farm.🐖

HO, HO, HO AND IT'S TIME TO SNOW

Such dreaded heat I can't remember,

I'm using air conditioning in late September,

But soon, ho, ho, ho,

We'll be covered with snow,

In late October or early November. 

SEPTEMBER FULL MOON LIMERICK

The full moon brings September woe,
We will be soon consumed by rain then snow,
The snow won't go away,
Until April it will stay,🏂
Winter misery is all that we'll know.⛄⛄⛄

MY UNREQUITED LOVE

My unrequited love,

I know you go on to the world of lovers where I will not be,

Still, in my heart I imagine you stay here with me,

And, great joy and happiness we find together,

On a ship in space in the distant future,

We share our lives for an eternity,

Joyous with all the amenities of this world,

And, of the tunes, tones and entertainments,

That exhaust all thoughts of boredom,

To this world I will imagine you and I,

Until my human thoughts all die.

HAMMERHEAD SHARK IN A LAKE MICHIGAN BAY

A hammerhead shark was spotted today,
They are seldom seen out in Grand Traverse Bay,
But, this shark was at ease,
Riding around on jet skis,
And, he only scared seagulls away.

JUNE BUFFOON

This is a strawberry June,

A world where normal is the buffoon

Where truth dies on the spot,

Between what is real and is not,

Guess, I'll see you soon.