THE ELF KING WAYLAND THE SMITH

Wayland the Smith was the king of all elves,
He worked in Detroit making pistons and valves,
He got tired one day,
From his hard work at low pay,
So, he led his ilk to make cars for themselves.

REVENGE OF THE SNOWMAN

If you're going to travel far, far away,
In celebration of this grand holiday,
Beware the snowman in your garden pleasance,
Before leaving give him his share of presents,
If you don't he'll have something to say,
By filling with snow, your entire driveway.

NO GIFTS FOR A BAD SNOWMAN
Snowman do you deserve a gift,
When you make my driveway drift,
You need to get real,
Drift policy repeal,
Then my gift list just might shift.

BOB ROY AND SANT'A'S FROSTED SALTINE CRACKERS

Bob Roy had no time to bake,
Any Christmas cookies for Santa’s sake,
Bob Roy had frosting in a can but, no backers,
So, Bob Roy spread the caned frosting on some saltine crackers,

When Santa came down Bob Roy’s woodstove pipe,
He was covered with soot and had to wipe,
When Santa was done he looked for his traditional eats,
His glass of fresh milk and homemade cookie treats,

Now, Santa had brought Bob Roy something real nice,
It was a homemade jerky maker complete with jerky spice,
Old Santa’s belly needed some food and growled like a bear,
Then Santa found his gift snack but, could not believe what was there,

On the table surrounded with decorations ornate,
Sat many colored saltine crackers on a cookie plate,
Santa was hungry and could not hesitate,
So, all the frosted saltine crackers Santa downed away straight,

The saltines were dry so Santa guzzled down his milk,
Then he wondered what kind of people? What kind of ilk?
Would substitute saltine crackers for cookies anyway?
But, Santa knew he had to get back to his sleigh,

Santa left Bob Roy the jerky maker so Bob Roy would be happy,
Then, up the stove pipe Santa took off feeling kind of sappy,
In exchange for a jerky make complete with jerky maker spice,
Santa got saltine crackers and he thought he itched a bit with lice.

SANTA'S HAVING VENISON FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER

If I were Santa I'd buy some sheep,

Because reindeer are to costly to keep,

Of course, magic flying sheepy,

Might sound kind of creepy,

And chopping reindeer into venison, will make Santa's elves weep.

SARAH SUE II

Sarah Sue sailed out of harbor dock,
In the morning at about 10 o'clock,
A storm blew her off course,
And with the captain's remorse,
It sank when it was riped by a rock.

WHEN SANTA IS ALL UNEMPLOYED

When Santa sits around unemployed, 

He stares off into the void,
Soon lickety-split,
He jumps up, he can’t sit,
He must design a toy doggie droid.

THE TALE OF TWO TROTTER ON A POTTER

This be the tale of Mr. and Mrs. Trotter,

They liked eating raw oysters and otter,

They both spent much time on the potter,

They'd flush it away with much water,

Then they both laid down on the cotter,

MY FAILURE TO BAKE A GOOD CAKE

My cake was a bit overdone, 
The frosting was a watery run,
 And, the flavor I fear,
Was like old skunky beer,
And, heaving vomit for weeks was not fun.

THE FARMER IN THE DELL 2010-Limerick

There was a farmer who lived in a dell,
For him things did not go very well,
His pigs all had fleas,
The winter froze out his bees,
The farmer finally decided to sell.

The farmer in the dell owed money to the bank,
He could never repay it so, he was in the tank,
His stuff would not grow,
His cows starved in the snow,
His wife left saying he had himself to thank,

I HUNG UP MY SOCKS FOR SANTA

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way, then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.

THE CHEAP PLASTIC SLEIGH

Santa Claus bought a new sleigh,
It was made out of plastic they say,
When Santa sat down,
The  cheap plastic broke down,
He loaded his old sleigh on Christmas Eve day.

STOCKS ARE MY FAMILY'S FUTURE

Today my stocks took quite a stumble,

It seems their earnings have taken a tumble,

I guess the kids will grow up lean,

No tacos and pizza; just pork and bean,

I can't wait until Christmas to hear them grumble. 

WHEN THE ROOF CAVES IN

Heavy snows made my old roof go crash,
Without insurance, I ran out of cash,
So, I got a loan from a bank,
Watched my credit tank,
I still have my barrel of corn mash.
 

I AM REALLY A FISH: OUTFOXING A WOLF LIMERICK

While hiking I met a timber wolf named Sam,
He wanted meat to eat with his toast and jam,
I told him I was not a meat dish,
I was really a fish,
While he was thinking I decided to scram.

PORCH PIRATES RUINED CHRISTMAS

Porch pirates, porch pirates what have you done?

You've ruined the Christmas for almost everyone,

You've stolen our cheer,

For those presents were dear,

A day just sitting with family is not fun.

Tears On Toilet Tissue Issues

Mr. Smith used toilet tissues,

When he cried his eyes out over issues,

His life partner Beau,

Told Smith to go,

Smith now texts Beau all day with miss yous.😞😢😭

JENNIFER PLAYS THE VIOLA LIMERICK

Jennifer plays the viola,
But, she can’t get a gig with payola,
To support her boyfriend bob,
She needed a job,
She stocks shelves with lemon-lime cola.

RITZY, DITZY SPIDER

A ritzy, ditzy spider licked on a lollipop,

Along came a frog that went hop, hop, hop,

The frog ate the spider and drank soda pop,

So, ritzy, ditzy spider drowned in the frog's belly.

MY FRUIT CAKE IS NO MORE

I once had a fruit cake that lived under my couch,

He ate my dropped French fries and cuddled with my kitty named Slouch,

But, what the fruit cake didn't reckon for,

Was my new puppy named Lore

Lore swallowed the cake before the cake could yell ouch!!!

BARNEY WAS A PIG WITH HANDS AND FEET-Limerick

Barney was a pig with hands and feet,
He thought cloven hooves did not look neat,
But, with his feet and his hands,
He could be eaten in more lands,
So Barney the pig was served as meat.

BUGS HID UP MY NOSE LIMERICK

I washed my hair most every day,

To try to keep the bugs away,

But, they hid up my nose,

Wouldn't budge with a hose,

So, I got them with a bottle of spray.
 

A MOOSE NAMED PETE-Limericks

Pete the moose was ten feet tall,
But, his feet were just too small,
He could not run fast,
'cause his ankles wouldn't last,
So, a grizzly came by to call.

There once was a moose named Pete,
He was not real fast on his feet,
He ran into a bear,
The bear did not scare,
The bear had plenty to eat.

BLOWING SNOW, A WINTER TALE

I gave the snow a big blow I'd say,

I blew the snow far, far away,

Over to the neighbors yard,

Whom, I knew weren't home today,

Blowing snow is a big job,

Which I did quite well anyway,

I cleaned the driveway out myself,

And had no one to pay.

HOW I MAKE BEAR SCAT

I fell in a hole on top of a bear, 

He was hibernating, so I didn't scare,

But here's the thing,

I took a nap until spring,

And woke up in the belly of the bear.

SANTA'S DATE WITH A DRAGON

Santa has a broke red wagon,

So on Christmas Eve he'll ride a dragon,

And without fail,

This dragon tale,

Will keep Santa non-stop bragging. 

THE BAND CALLED PARENT TORMENT

Penny played the clarinet,
Phyllis beat the drum,
Patty tooted her french horn,
Mom and dad drank coke and rum. 

RAY GUNS ARE NOT A TOY

Frosty found he had no fun.

By playing with his hot ray gun,

He vaporized his toe,

He set his leg aglow,

All the way up to his bun.

I KNOWS MY BURGERS

No one knows the hamburgers; the hamburgers I've seen,

Some are full of chunks of fat and some are grizzle-lean,

I like my burgers moist inside,

With dark grill marks displayed with pride,

I want my burgers made with meat without a bit of bean,

WHEN I'M BLOWING SNOW, AND WHY

After all the snow is done blowing,

Then I know I must get going,

Blowing snow with my half brain knowing,

Where my driveway will be showing,

And, save my car from a wrecker towing.

A SAILOR'S SECRET TO AVOIDING DRY SKIN

To my boat I always stay tethered,
For, I tend to fall overboard when I'm weathered,
Not from the winds and the gail,
But, from my keg of dark ale,
I drink ale so my complexion ain't leathered.

I WILL TOAST MY WINTER NUTS, WHEN I BURN MY CHRISTMAS TREE

I groomed this Christmas tree,

It's near pretty as a bee,

It's understood,

That all it's wood,

My fireplace will see.

MARCIE MOE THE REINDEER POEM THREE AND EPIC EPILOGUE

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Was born on Guy Fawkes Day,
It's a holiday no one cares about,
Like the one the first of May,

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Wanted to pull old Santa's sleigh,
But, every time he tried her out,
It ended ugly in some way,

So, Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Started a business pulling sleds,
She started by delivering children's toys,
But, made her money delivering meds,

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Is a billionaire many say,
She lives in Honolulu,
And, told Santa to stick his sleigh.

TODAY I GOT IN THE MAIL

Today I got in the mail,
A bill that was just a big whale,
My teeth started to chatter,
My family done scatter,
I upchucked in the garbage pail.

MARCIE MOE THE REINDEER POEM TWO

When Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Went swimming at the beach,
The other swimmers filled with fear,
A little kid let out a screech,

For Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Looked like a lake monster of yore,
And, all the swimmers ran for high ground,
As Marcie came ashore,

Now, Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Stood dumbfounded, alone on the sand,
Then, a helicopter came and chased Marcie away,
And, from the beach Marcie was banned.


　

THE MAN-EATING ZOMBIE FLAVOR FAVOR

I met a man-eating zombie named Rose,
He had red eyes and a gigantic nose,
He asked me a favor,
To tell him my flavor,
I replied "I taste like jam that grows between toes."

MARCIE MOE THE REINDEER POEM

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Wanted to pull Santa's sleigh,
So, she hooked herself up in the sleigh gear,
Thinking she'd soon be on her way,

But, Santa told her she couldn't go,
And Marcie asked him why,
Santa said there ain't no show,
Since it's the middle of July.

 

LAME, THE HOLIDAY LIMERICK

Cars are sliding down the road,

Finding trees and getting towed,

And all the new snow,

We give a blow,

It's holidays and credit is owed. 

I GOT HONKED BY MY CHRISTMAS GOOSE

Fast and loose, the Christmas goose chased me across the yard,

Fast and loose, I was chased by that goose, while I wore just a thin leotard,

The goose caught me at last,

I got goose-honked for my past,

When I cheated the goose with a fixed playing card.

HOLIDAY SACRIFICE FOR NAUGHT

We have another holiday,

On presents I will spend my pay,

I'll catch a meal another day,

I sacrifice to hear someone say,

"I need the receipt, to return straight away."

THE TIME TRAVEL PEASANT

My time machine will machine no more,

So, I can't the future or the past explore,

I am stuck in the present,

Like a time travel peasant,

Such a mundane existence, I deplore.

LIVE AT THE COUNTRY OF THE BLIND BAR, GRILL & TAKE-OUT

I went to the "Country of the Blind," where the one-eyed man, he sings,

But, he didn't sing for nothing and you had to pay with blings,

So, all my golden jewelry including my piercings and my rings,

I gladly turned it over and the one-eyed man sings things,

The one eyed-man sings country western  while on tiny bells he dings,

Lastly, the one -eyed man walked off stage, and on his bag of gold, he clings.

 

ARM ACHE=CAKE

I got a shot; it was a booster,

Tasted like chicken; maybe a rooster,

So, I got an arm ache,

Ate a big slice of cake,

It was so good I had a cake twoster.

A BIGFOOT HOLIDAY

I invited for dinner my friend Marvin Hoots,

He brought his family, all of them were bigfoots,

While belching passionately,

They ate my holiday tree,

Then with their trumpets they played me some toots.

HAIRS, PEARS, WOLVES AND BEARS

I went out to pick some juicy pears,

And, had to fight off sixteen bears,

Then, a wolf pack gave me meany stares,

I said, "come get me, I double dares,"

They ate my bod from toes to hairs.

THE PORCELAIN AND RON'S ALMOND NUTS

Ron wanted some peanuts to eat on today,

But, a bag full of almonds sat in the way

So, on the almonds Ron did feast,

Till Ron gassed up like a beast,

Then, the porcelain in the bathroom had to pay.

NERO DRANK TO CAPACITY

Nero drank soda pop all week long,

He would not stop, did not know it was wrong,

But, then late at night,

His bed felt not quite right,

And, his wife wrote him a bed pee pee song.

PEANUT BUTTER BREATH AND JELLY

I need jelly in my belly when the snow comes tumbling down,

I need jelly in my belly when the snow covers the ground,

I need peanut butter too,

And some bread with gluten goo, 

I'll watch telly with peanut breath so smelly, I will make elf fairies frown.

CLEO WAS A REAL NERD'S NERD

Cleo was a real nerd’s nerd,
In the dictionary he could define any word,
He was also a football jock,
In music he could really rock,
But, in wood-shop his grade was deferred.

DINNER, HUGS, BUGS, RUGS AND PORCELAIN

My family came over for dinner and hugs,

I love them so much, in their food I put bugs,

With a heave and and ho,

To my bathroom they go, 

I just hope they hit porcelain, not rugs.

I GOT UP EARLY TO EAT A TURKEY FEAST LIMERICK

I got up real  early to eat a turkey feast,
But, it won’t be served til noon, at least,
Oh, what an affair,
I sat down in despair,
I watched the parades while my mom cooked the beast.

GROVER THE CHICKEN AND MR. TURKEY

There was a meek chicken named Grover,
Who loved to see the end of October,
Because Mr. Turkey,
Was a real turkey jerky,
In November his time would be over.

GRANDMA'S SICK CHRISTMAS BATHROOM HUMOR

Each year to grandma's we all converge,

To set upon our annual family purge,

For eating turkey not done,

Is our little family fun,

Except, add some more bathrooms, we urge.

MURPHY PRETTY BIRD

Murphy was a pretty bird, a pretty bird was he,

Murphy was such a pretty bird his pics cost quite a fee,

Murphy went to Hollywood and became a dreamy star,

Murphy made so many movies he could afford a good used car,

Murphy finally made a movie where he accidentally laid an egg,

Murphy then made a movie which was labeled a turkey leg,

Murphy decided to retire while his looks were still real good,

Murphy got into his good used car and left old Hollywood. 

AT HUNTING CAMP I GOT THE BOOT

At hunting camp I got the boot,
I spoiled the big turkey shoot,
When the turkeys came by,
I yelled “get lost or die”,
I saved lives and don’t give a hoot.

HUNTING CAMP LIMERICK (WHAT REALLY GOES ON)

At hunting camp we hunted for deer,
But, some of us were just insincere,
We stayed warm at the camp,
All dry and not damp,
And drank down six cases of beer.

CRUSTY, RUSTY MOUTH

I thought I had a gold tooth that was crusty,

Turns out it was tin and went rusty,

I was charged for the gold,

But, tin I was sold,

Couldn't sue, because my dentist went busty.

THERE WAS A GOLDFISH NAMED DREW

There was a nice goldfish named Drew,
But, instead of gold he was blue,
Blue made him feel sad,
But, he shouldn't feel bad,
A blue goldfish was just something new.

HIS GIRLFRIEND SANG WAY OUT OF TUNE

My poor little ferret,
He just could not bear it,
Because his girlfriend sang way out of tune,

My poor little ferret,
Told his girlfriend her voice did not merit,
An encore, so he sits alone 'neath the moon.
 

DINER OR DINNER?

I stare, boar stares back,
I see pork, boar sees chicken,
Diner or dinner?

MY SHOES GOT MUDDY LIMERICK

My little shoes they got all muddy,
Then, everywhere I went they called me cruddy,
Well, I read the news,
And changed into clean shoes,
Still, no one stepped up and called me their buddy.