I HUNG UP MY SOCKS FOR SANTA

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way, then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.

THE CHEAP PLASTIC SLEIGH

Santa Claus bought a new sleigh,
It was made out of plastic they say,
When Santa sat down,
The  cheap plastic broke down,
He loaded his old sleigh on Christmas Eve day.

STOCKS ARE MY FAMILY'S FUTURE

Today my stocks took quite a stumble,

It seems their earnings have taken a tumble,

I guess the kids will grow up lean,

No tacos and pizza; just pork and bean,

I can't wait until Christmas to hear them grumble. 

WHEN THE ROOF CAVES IN

Heavy snows made my old roof go crash,
Without insurance, I ran out of cash,
So, I got a loan from a bank,
Watched my credit tank,
I still have my barrel of corn mash.
 

I AM REALLY A FISH: OUTFOXING A WOLF LIMERICK

While hiking I met a timber wolf named Sam,
He wanted meat to eat with his toast and jam,
I told him I was not a meat dish,
I was really a fish,
While he was thinking I decided to scram.

PORCH PIRATES RUINED CHRISTMAS

Porch pirates, porch pirates what have you done?

You've ruined the Christmas for almost everyone,

You've stolen our cheer,

For those presents were dear,

A day just sitting with family is not fun.

Tears On Toilet Tissue Issues

Mr. Smith used toilet tissues,

When he cried his eyes out over issues,

His life partner Beau,

Told Smith to go,

Smith now texts Beau all day with miss yous.😞😢😭

JENNIFER PLAYS THE VIOLA LIMERICK

Jennifer plays the viola,
But, she can’t get a gig with payola,
To support her boyfriend bob,
She needed a job,
She stocks shelves with lemon-lime cola.

RITZY, DITZY SPIDER

A ritzy, ditzy spider licked on a lollipop,

Along came a frog that went hop, hop, hop,

The frog ate the spider and drank soda pop,

So, ritzy, ditzy spider drowned in the frog's belly.

MY FRUIT CAKE IS NO MORE

I once had a fruit cake that lived under my couch,

He ate my dropped French fries and cuddled with my kitty named Slouch,

But, what the fruit cake didn't reckon for,

Was my new puppy named Lore

Lore swallowed the cake before the cake could yell ouch!!!

BARNEY WAS A PIG WITH HANDS AND FEET-Limerick

Barney was a pig with hands and feet,
He thought cloven hooves did not look neat,
But, with his feet and his hands,
He could be eaten in more lands,
So Barney the pig was served as meat.

BUGS HID UP MY NOSE LIMERICK

I washed my hair most every day,

To try to keep the bugs away,

But, they hid up my nose,

Wouldn't budge with a hose,

So, I got them with a bottle of spray.
 

A MOOSE NAMED PETE-Limericks

Pete the moose was ten feet tall,
But, his feet were just too small,
He could not run fast,
'cause his ankles wouldn't last,
So, a grizzly came by to call.

There once was a moose named Pete,
He was not real fast on his feet,
He ran into a bear,
The bear did not scare,
The bear had plenty to eat.

BLOWING SNOW, A WINTER TALE

I gave the snow a big blow I'd say,

I blew the snow far, far away,

Over to the neighbors yard,

Whom, I knew weren't home today,

Blowing snow is a big job,

Which I did quite well anyway,

I cleaned the driveway out myself,

And had no one to pay.

HOW I MAKE BEAR SCAT

I fell in a hole on top of a bear, 

He was hibernating, so I didn't scare,

But here's the thing,

I took a nap until spring,

And woke up in the belly of the bear.

SANTA'S DATE WITH A DRAGON

Santa has a broke red wagon,

So on Christmas Eve he'll ride a dragon,

And without fail,

This dragon tale,

Will keep Santa non-stop bragging. 

THE BAND CALLED PARENT TORMENT

Penny played the clarinet,
Phyllis beat the drum,
Patty tooted her french horn,
Mom and dad drank coke and rum. 

RAY GUNS ARE NOT A TOY

Frosty found he had no fun.

By playing with his hot ray gun,

He vaporized his toe,

He set his leg aglow,

All the way up to his bun.

I KNOWS MY BURGERS

No one knows the hamburgers; the hamburgers I've seen,

Some are full of chunks of fat and some are grizzle-lean,

I like my burgers moist inside,

With dark grill marks displayed with pride,

I want my burgers made with meat without a bit of bean,

WHEN I'M BLOWING SNOW, AND WHY

After all the snow is done blowing,

Then I know I must get going,

Blowing snow with my half brain knowing,

Where my driveway will be showing,

And, save my car from a wrecker towing.

A SAILOR'S SECRET TO AVOIDING DRY SKIN

To my boat I always stay tethered,
For, I tend to fall overboard when I'm weathered,
Not from the winds and the gail,
But, from my keg of dark ale,
I drink ale so my complexion ain't leathered.

I WILL TOAST MY WINTER NUTS, WHEN I BURN MY CHRISTMAS TREE

I groomed this Christmas tree,

It's near pretty as a bee,

It's understood,

That all it's wood,

My fireplace will see.

MARCIE MOE THE REINDEER POEM THREE AND EPIC EPILOGUE

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Was born on Guy Fawkes Day,
It's a holiday no one cares about,
Like the one the first of May,

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Wanted to pull old Santa's sleigh,
But, every time he tried her out,
It ended ugly in some way,

So, Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Started a business pulling sleds,
She started by delivering children's toys,
But, made her money delivering meds,

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Is a billionaire many say,
She lives in Honolulu,
And, told Santa to stick his sleigh.

TODAY I GOT IN THE MAIL

Today I got in the mail,
A bill that was just a big whale,
My teeth started to chatter,
My family done scatter,
I upchucked in the garbage pail.

MARCIE MOE THE REINDEER POEM TWO

When Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Went swimming at the beach,
The other swimmers filled with fear,
A little kid let out a screech,

For Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Looked like a lake monster of yore,
And, all the swimmers ran for high ground,
As Marcie came ashore,

Now, Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Stood dumbfounded, alone on the sand,
Then, a helicopter came and chased Marcie away,
And, from the beach Marcie was banned.


　

THE MAN-EATING ZOMBIE FLAVOR FAVOR

I met a man-eating zombie named Rose,
He had red eyes and a gigantic nose,
He asked me a favor,
To tell him my flavor,
I replied "I taste like jam that grows between toes."

MARCIE MOE THE REINDEER POEM

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Wanted to pull Santa's sleigh,
So, she hooked herself up in the sleigh gear,
Thinking she'd soon be on her way,

But, Santa told her she couldn't go,
And Marcie asked him why,
Santa said there ain't no show,
Since it's the middle of July.

 

LAME, THE HOLIDAY LIMERICK

Cars are sliding down the road,

Finding trees and getting towed,

And all the new snow,

We give a blow,

It's holidays and credit is owed. 

I GOT HONKED BY MY CHRISTMAS GOOSE

Fast and loose, the Christmas goose chased me across the yard,

Fast and loose, I was chased by that goose, while I wore just a thin leotard,

The goose caught me at last,

I got goose-honked for my past,

When I cheated the goose with a fixed playing card.

HOLIDAY SACRIFICE FOR NAUGHT

We have another holiday,

On presents I will spend my pay,

I'll catch a meal another day,

I sacrifice to hear someone say,

"I need the receipt, to return straight away."

THE TIME TRAVEL PEASANT

My time machine will machine no more,

So, I can't the future or the past explore,

I am stuck in the present,

Like a time travel peasant,

Such a mundane existence, I deplore.

LIVE AT THE COUNTRY OF THE BLIND BAR, GRILL & TAKE-OUT

I went to the "Country of the Blind," where the one-eyed man, he sings,

But, he didn't sing for nothing and you had to pay with blings,

So, all my golden jewelry including my piercings and my rings,

I gladly turned it over and the one-eyed man sings things,

The one eyed-man sings country western  while on tiny bells he dings,

Lastly, the one -eyed man walked off stage, and on his bag of gold, he clings.

 

ARM ACHE=CAKE

I got a shot; it was a booster,

Tasted like chicken; maybe a rooster,

So, I got an arm ache,

Ate a big slice of cake,

It was so good I had a cake twoster.

A BIGFOOT HOLIDAY

I invited for dinner my friend Marvin Hoots,

He brought his family, all of them were bigfoots,

While belching passionately,

They ate my holiday tree,

Then with their trumpets they played me some toots.

HAIRS, PEARS, WOLVES AND BEARS

I went out to pick some juicy pears,

And, had to fight off sixteen bears,

Then, a wolf pack gave me meany stares,

I said, "come get me, I double dares,"

They ate my bod from toes to hairs.

THE PORCELAIN AND RON'S ALMOND NUTS

Ron wanted some peanuts to eat on today,

But, a bag full of almonds sat in the way

So, on the almonds Ron did feast,

Till Ron gassed up like a beast,

Then, the porcelain in the bathroom had to pay.

NERO DRANK TO CAPACITY

Nero drank soda pop all week long,

He would not stop, did not know it was wrong,

But, then late at night,

His bed felt not quite right,

And, his wife wrote him a bed pee pee song.

PEANUT BUTTER BREATH AND JELLY

I need jelly in my belly when the snow comes tumbling down,

I need jelly in my belly when the snow covers the ground,

I need peanut butter too,

And some bread with gluten goo, 

I'll watch telly with peanut breath so smelly, I will make elf fairies frown.

CLEO WAS A REAL NERD'S NERD

Cleo was a real nerd’s nerd,
In the dictionary he could define any word,
He was also a football jock,
In music he could really rock,
But, in wood-shop his grade was deferred.

DINNER, HUGS, BUGS, RUGS AND PORCELAIN

My family came over for dinner and hugs,

I love them so much, in their food I put bugs,

With a heave and and ho,

To my bathroom they go, 

I just hope they hit porcelain, not rugs.

I GOT UP EARLY TO EAT A TURKEY FEAST LIMERICK

I got up real  early to eat a turkey feast,
But, it won’t be served til noon, at least,
Oh, what an affair,
I sat down in despair,
I watched the parades while my mom cooked the beast.

GROVER THE CHICKEN AND MR. TURKEY

There was a meek chicken named Grover,
Who loved to see the end of October,
Because Mr. Turkey,
Was a real turkey jerky,
In November his time would be over.

GRANDMA'S SICK CHRISTMAS BATHROOM HUMOR

Each year to grandma's we all converge,

To set upon our annual family purge,

For eating turkey not done,

Is our little family fun,

Except, add some more bathrooms, we urge.

MURPHY PRETTY BIRD

Murphy was a pretty bird, a pretty bird was he,

Murphy was such a pretty bird his pics cost quite a fee,

Murphy went to Hollywood and became a dreamy star,

Murphy made so many movies he could afford a good used car,

Murphy finally made a movie where he accidentally laid an egg,

Murphy then made a movie which was labeled a turkey leg,

Murphy decided to retire while his looks were still real good,

Murphy got into his good used car and left old Hollywood. 

AT HUNTING CAMP I GOT THE BOOT

At hunting camp I got the boot,
I spoiled the big turkey shoot,
When the turkeys came by,
I yelled “get lost or die”,
I saved lives and don’t give a hoot.

HUNTING CAMP LIMERICK (WHAT REALLY GOES ON)

At hunting camp we hunted for deer,
But, some of us were just insincere,
We stayed warm at the camp,
All dry and not damp,
And drank down six cases of beer.

CRUSTY, RUSTY MOUTH

I thought I had a gold tooth that was crusty,

Turns out it was tin and went rusty,

I was charged for the gold,

But, tin I was sold,

Couldn't sue, because my dentist went busty.

THERE WAS A GOLDFISH NAMED DREW

There was a nice goldfish named Drew,
But, instead of gold he was blue,
Blue made him feel sad,
But, he shouldn't feel bad,
A blue goldfish was just something new.

HIS GIRLFRIEND SANG WAY OUT OF TUNE

My poor little ferret,
He just could not bear it,
Because his girlfriend sang way out of tune,

My poor little ferret,
Told his girlfriend her voice did not merit,
An encore, so he sits alone 'neath the moon.
 

DINER OR DINNER?

I stare, boar stares back,
I see pork, boar sees chicken,
Diner or dinner?

MY SHOES GOT MUDDY LIMERICK

My little shoes they got all muddy,
Then, everywhere I went they called me cruddy,
Well, I read the news,
And changed into clean shoes,
Still, no one stepped up and called me their buddy.

WHERE WENT THE MOON?

Was it magic, clouds or too much gin,

That made the moon disappear again,

"Eclipse," said an educated,

Some said gin theory underrated,

Me, I'm glad it's over so I can eat my cold din din.

DRAGON'S MEAT, A HOLIDAY TREAT

I went dragon hunting and what did I find,

I shot a big dragon and cured bacon rind,

At first it was gooey,

But I dried it to chewy,

I gave some to neighbors cause I felt Christmas kind.

THE DRAGON HUNTER

I shot a dragon from the sky,

Shooting the dragon made my kid cry,

Then I made some dragon pie,

It burned my guts, thought I would die,

Rest I ate with mayo on rye.

THE SAD LIFE OF CLYDE THE CARP-Limerick

Clyde was a brown carp who laid in the mud,
He'd eat fish food or just floating crud,
He couldn't find a wife,
He was single for life,
'cause the lady carp called Clyde a dud.

There once was a carp named Clyde,
He laid all one day on his side,
He would not eat his fish food,
Which seemed really rude,
Then, someone realized Clyde had died.

LOADING DISHWASHER WRONG LEADS TO BLUES AND MAHJONG

I loaded my dishwasher completely wrong,
So, I'm singing the "So Sad, Broken-dish Song,"
Now, I've paid some sad dues,
And, I'm singing sad blues,

Later, I'll play a quick game of Mahjong.

TURKEY DAY FISH FILLET

My oven would not start and my turkey fryer had no gas,

I feared that for dinner, on turkey I had to pass,

So, things looked really dire,

Until, I remembered the cloths dryer

Turkey came out funky flavored, so I fried some fresh caught bass.

MY PET SKUNK AMADEOUS

My friend and I had a pet skunk named Amadeus
Whenever he’d see us he couldn't help but to spray us,
We did nothing wrong,
To get a taste of his spray bong,
When we’d see him coming our sense of smell became chaos.

I'M A LITTLE DRIP COFFEEMAKER ( I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOUR BLUES)

I'm a little drip coffeemaker,

I work for the town's undertaker,

When the family feels bad news,

I give them coffee for their blues,

My coffee is good with a doughnut from the baker.

MY BACK, OLD SHACK AND LEAVES

I'm raking leaves and oh my back,
My chest is feeling heart attack,
There's too many trees around my old shack,
But, if the leaves catch fire then a shack I'll lack,
Still, I'm so tired I'd like to hit the sack,
I'm giving up now for a nap and snack.