JERRY NEEDS SOME TEETH

Jerry lost all of his front teeth,
While playing on his trumpet,
Because each time Jerry tried to play,
The tuba guy would bump it,

Jerry lost his other teeth,
Because he ate so much candy,
Now he can't bite or chew his food,
He just swallows it with brandy,

Jerry really needs some teeth,
Because teeth are for more than play,
You never know when you might need them,
To scare the bears away.

WHERE ARE THE SHIPS IN MORTIMER BAY?

There was a pirates cove on Mortimer Bay,
Two pirate ships anchored there one foggy day,
Then, along came Captain Dodger,
Who spied the Jolly Roger,
The Queen's Captain wanted the pirates to pay.

There were three ships in Mortimer Bay,
The largest one sailed away,
The other two had a fight,
Then sank out of sight,
Amongst sand and shellfish they lay.

The large pirate ship on Mortimer Bay,
Ran off from the battle the Bay folks say,
It sailed out to sea,
It was battle free,
But, hit rocks and sank anyway.

A BEE EATING FROG NAMED BUGSY

There was a bee eating frog named Bugsy,
The bees thought that he was a thugsy,
Bugsy stuck out his tongue,
He got his tongue stung,
Now Bugsy the frog needs a hugsy.

NATILE HAD STINKY TOES

Natalie had a really small nose,
Even so, she could smell the in-between of her toes,
It was offensive, unclean,
The tainted smell was obscene,
So, she washed between them with a hot power-hose.

I FOUND A FROG IN MY O.J. TODAY

I found a frog in my O.J. today,

And, a worm in my cheese that sat on a tray,

My sandwich had bugs,

My soup was just full of slugs,

 Then, bed bugs swarmed everywhere that I lay.

I ONCE DROVE A BUS

I was stuck driving a bus full of obnoxious teens,

They had all filled up on cans of pork and baked beans,

We hit a bump in the road and that was that,

The windows blew out and the tires went flat,

And, the roof of the bus blasted upwards like a rocket,

I lost both eardrums and one eye from it's socket,

Now, I'm hearing impaired and just have one eye,

And, I won't drive one more bus until the day that I die. 

THE DAY OF THE JUNIPER

I walked along a shrubbery ledge,

Then, from my chest erupted a juniper wedge,

Being back stabbed by shrub wood,

Did not feel very good,

I had planed to remove the old juniper hedge.

I INVENTED TIME TRAVEL OR, HOW I'M GOING TO.LIVE FOREVER

I was sitting contemplating with great gloom,

The arrow of time pointed straight to my doom,

Then, it hit me like a rock,

If I had different times on each clock,

I'd time travel as I moved room to room.

MARY TRIED TO PLAY FRENCH HORN

Mary tried to play the French horn,
It sounded like she was eating corn,
She crunched and smacked,
Then coughed and hacked,
Her music career she should mourn.

BEETLE BUGS IN MY RUGS

I went to clean my kitchen rugs,
They were full of beetle bugs,
They were thrown out the door,
I went down to the store,
Bought new rugs infested with slugs.

THE CREEPS THAT MAKE ME BAWL

Winter bed bugs are creeping, crawling,

And, their itches are all enthralling, 

Then, there are the tiny mites,

Who, make you covered with their bites,

But, it's the head lice that cause my bawling.

CAVORTING AND RUBS

Docs told me my innards and outsides are crawling with bugs,

Because, I've been cavorting with strangers and giving them hugs,

So, they prescribed me some rubs,

Told me to steer clear of some pubs,

And, it wouldn't hurt if I deep cleaned my bedding and rugs.

LIGHTNING STRUCK THE OUTHOUSE LIMERICK

Down at the outhouse the lightning struck true,

It vented the outhouse and disinfected it too,

But, it had been occupied,

And, the occupant sighed,

"That lightning has been very rude."

HANK PLAYED U-BOAT IN HIS DINGY

Hank was surprised that his old dingy would float,

He had used it as a barn for his pygmy pet goat,

But, when the Hankster jumped in,

He saw a hole in the tin,

So, Hank ended up playing U-boat.

 

THE WHY I DON'T EAT FRESH STUFF LIMERICKS

I BOUGHT A PEAR
Rob bought a pear with a real big bad spot,
When he bit into it it was all full of rot,
Rob ate the pear to the core,
Then, His innards got soar,
And, He spent the rest of the day on the pot.

 IMAGINATION AND DIET  
I ate nothing but veggies at every meal,
Although such flavors lack all appeal,
So, I imagined I was eating steak,
Followed by frosted cream cheese cake,
And, I gained 50 pounds, what's the deal?

 

ODE TO FRANK THE SEA HORSE LIMERICK

I had a sea horsey named Frank,
He swam around in my fish tank,
I gave him some beer,
Now Frank is not here,
He drank the beer and then sank.

Frank was a seahorse that swam all day,
He din't work so he received no pay,
He got real mean,
Attacked the bubble machine,
Now on the bottom of the tank Frank lay.

THE ROW BOAT PLUG POEM

There was quest to find a plug,
To stop my little row boat from leaking,
But, my plug was made of cork and floated away,
For other holes it went a seeking,

Now I sit in my boat at the bottom of the bay,
Looking up through the water at the skies above,
I wish I had taken that swimming class offered last may,
Then, I would be home with my kitty cat love.

THE BOYS OF HUMMER

The Boys of Hummer was a male humming choir,

They entertained when the need was dire,

When a wedding or parade came along,

They would hum us an old song,

Then, they got old and had to retire.

HARVEY THE LEPRECHAUN POEM

Harvey was a Leprechaun,
He dressed in royal purple, not green,
He thought that he was royalty,
A distant cousin of the queen,

Harvey claimed a castle for his noble self,
He had a genetic test done to claim it,
But, the test proved Harvey was not a royal heir,
His cause had become a lame bit,

Now Harvey’s dress is all in green,
And, believes he is a very great singer,
Although, he sings off key, his tone unclean,
He thinks that with Mario Lanza he’s a dead ringer.

HEAD LICE PAIN LIMERICK

The little head lice cause me pain,
They dig into my brain,
Though loud I shout,
They won't come out,
Until they've driven me insane.

I DISCOVERED MERCURY

I thought I found a pint of old gin,

So, I emptied the contents of sin,

My skin turned real gray,

Then, I passed away,

For, it was mercury that was stored within.💀

81421

WE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO CRYSTAL LAKE ON FRIDAY THE 13TH

On Friday the 13th we went skinny dipping at Lake Meade,

"Our folks should never know", is what we all agreed,

But, along  comes this dude, Jason,

With a hockey mask face on,

With a sharp machete that made our necks all start to bleed.

MY EARLY RETIREMENT

I studied quantum mechanics and it made me insane,

Because, I do not have a very big brain,

Now, I sit in the backyard all day,

Watching red squirrels play,

Even that makes my forehead throb, pain.

BEWARE THE LEFTOVER MAYONNAISE

The leftover mayonnaise do not take,
Bob did and got a belly ache,
To avoid a dire fate,
Read the expiration date,
Or, like Bob you'll vomit a green slime-lake.

THE TENT WORM LIMERICK

I had a tent worm on my knee,
I lifted him gently and set him free,
I thought a friend I made in he,
Instead he ate my apple tree,

Tent worm, tent worm you're so mean,
You've ate up everything that's green,
My fruit trees all look stark and clean,
This will make my winter lean.

LEAVES, TRASH AND MY SECRET STASH

The wind has blown away the leaves and trash,

That hid from all my mushroom stash,

The seeds have now dropped,

So, I'll pick the mushrooms that popped,

Then, hide the spot before a neighborhood dash.

MASTER OF THE ANT WARDROBE

I was the only maker of six-legged pants,

So, I owned the valley of the ants, 

To avoid a wardrobe disaster,

The ants made me their master,

And, my design for gym shorts has drawn rants. 

SPELLING AND BEER

My spelleng is note berry gud,

I spel bad cause I ama crud,

But, in won spelleng be,

I spelled "Meticulously,"

Celebrating, I got hooked on the sud.

LEPRECHANS NAMED SARAH AND JANE

I knew a leprechaun named Sarah,
She lived in the attic of her aunt Clara,
Oatmeal cookies she sold,
Made a big pot of gold,
So, she bought a diamond tiara .

There was a leprechaun named Jane,
She moved from Dublin to Southern Spain,
She sold sports cars,
Saved gold in quart jars,
And, made rainbows after each rain.

RECIPE POEM ABOUT FRYING GREEN TOMATOES

POEM RECIPE FOR FRIED GREEN TOMATOES
I make fried green tomatoes,
Sometimes with friend potatoes,
I slice them thick or thin,
Different tastes for different kin,

I dip them in the egg,
I dip them in the flour,
I turn on the stove,
I crank up the power,

When puffed up and golden browned,
That’s the best taste I have found,
There’s nothing better on Puget Sound,
Than fried green tomatoes all around.

I GOT THE ROOF LEAKING FLOOR CAVE IN BLUES

The rainstorm made my roof leak and, it leaked a lot,

The rain filled up every plastic bowl I had and, every cooking pot,

So, the rain then really soaked my floor,

The floor caved in and what's more,

I called my insurance agent and rain coverage I have not.

BASEMENT PARTY OR LAWN JARTS

No one would party with Marty,

Because his basement always smelled farty,

So, Marty spiffed up the air, 

Put on clean underwear,

Still, all stayed outside playing lawn jarty.

PRESERVES IN THE DEEP

I lost all of my strawberry preserves,

In the car crash where I missed the swerves,

On the last swerve to make,

I didn't see the lake,

Now, fish have what my toast deserves.

I BOUGHT LARGER BLUE JEANS

In order to feel thinner I bought larger blue jeans,
I went out to dance at all the popular scenes,
But, when I danced around,
My jeans slipped off to the ground,
I guess humility is something one weans.

MY GRITTY EGGS

My scrambled eggs ain't pretty,

They are mostly grits and gritty,

When you barf, you'll have my pity,

Then, you'll complain on Face and Twitty,

As to my cooking, you'll be quitty.

IT CAME TO THE FAIR

I was manning a fair booth way, way late at night,

I was all alone, there were no peoples in sight,

BAM!!! a great lightning strike,

And, the lights take a hike,

Then, in steps a werewolf and, he knew what to bite.

WHEN DADDY AND MOMMY ARE KISSY KISSING

They were spooning, making out, first basing,

Out in public and, it was disgracing,

It was my mum and dad,

And, they were making me mad,

Their lovy-dove, for my street cred, was defacing. 

TITLE ME THIS

I am a titleist and my writing just stinks,

But, I write really great titles so, I'm added to links,

Then, when my writings are read,

No one knows what I've said,

And, the excitement for my title just sinks.

ANOTHER URBAN FAIR BOOTH STORY

I went to the Fair to work in a booth,

Got attacked by a mare that kicked out my tooth,

Then, a sow ate my toes,

A goat bit off my nose,

I swear to you all, that's the truth.

I SHOWED THE MOSS JUST WHO IS BOSS

My roof was all covered with moss,
So, some fertilizer I gave a toss,
The moss dried up and died,
And, I take belligerent pride,
In showing moss just who is the boss.

I GOT A NEW BODY TO HOLD MY BIG BRAIN

I got a new body to hold my gigantic brain,

It doesn't have heart failure or arthritis pain,

But, it was the body of a pig,

And, my brain was too big,

So, they trimed 10% now, I'm completely insane.  

I BOUGHT A BIGFOOT FOR MY MOM AND DAD POEM

I went to Canada and bought a Bigfoot,
I brought it home for my mom and my dad,
I thought it would keep them company,
But, they said I had done really bad,

The Bigfoot I bought was not house trained,
And, it would not stay in the yard nor the barn,
It broke down the house door and came inside,
Both my parents both screamed “Oh gosh darn!”

The big foot ate all of the stew up,
And, it drank all my dad’s homemade beer,
I guess buying a Bigfoot was a screw-up,
Then, he nibbled on dear old dad’s ear,

Then, my dad started to remember his old dog Frank,
And, how he loved drinking dad’s homemade beer,
The Bigfoot stunk just like his old dog Stank,
Dad proclaimed “the Bigfoot stays right here”,

So, my parents kept the Bigfoot they called Frank,
They seemed to have no more concerns,
It’s good my gift had a number one rank,
Because where I bought it they take no returns.

HOT SUMMER FULL MOON HAIKU

Hot summer full moon,
Stars, Mars, smores, marshmellow bars,
Sleeping bags, bugs, bites.

THE FLIES COME HATCHING OUT

The flies come hatching out,

Then,  through my window screen redoubt,

I swing flyswatter with flair,

But, it needs much repair,

My home swarms with flies all about.

I Accomplished A Lot By Two In The Morning

C'est la vie,

I missed my tea,

Flunked spelling Bee,

In pants, I pee,

Did all by two in the morning,

C'est la vie,

Lost only house key,

Burned macaroni,

My lover dumped me,

All by two in the morning,

C'est la vie,

Let love birdies free,

Sold car and tv,

To the deep woods I flee,

All by two in the morning,

C'est la vie,

In the woods a bear be,

Very hungry was he,

He chewed and ate me,

All by two in the morning.🧸

I WENT TO MANCELONA TO THE COURT OF THEIR QUEEN

I went to Mancelona to visit their great queen,

She was not pleased cause I was ragged and unclean,

She said "take him away,

Douse him good with bug spray,

And, dress him up and then, he just might get seen."

FUTURE MALE MODEL

I got caught in the tar pits and, downward I flow,

To be dug up in the future by blokes I don't know,

They'll put me on museum display,

My bones bare to the day,

Even though, I'm just a jaw bone and a toe.

I PLAGIARIZED MY TERM PAPER AND GOT AN F

I got a F on my term paper, because I plagiarized,
I copied from a book so, I'm not surprised,
I did not use quotes,
Let alone those tedious footnotes,
I guess that's why term papers are so despised.

72421

SAM THE SAILOR LIMERICK

There once was a sailor named Sam,
His teeth were carved from the shell of a clam,
During cold, clammy weather,
Sam's teeth stuck together,
Then, all Sam could mutter was "mam."

MY BAKING MAKES PEOPLE SICK

My blueberry muffins were not quite done,
After my friends ate them they all had to run,
Then, I baked a cake,
Which no one would take,
It seems no baked goods' patrons I've won.

LEAVE THE GOAT ALONE

I found a goat and took him straight to the fare,

I didn't realize he belonged to a backwoods bear,

Well, the bear came along,

He righted that wrong,

And, left my belly with a really big tear.

A FIGHT WITH TWO OR MORE GORILLAS

If you fight with two or more gorillas,

They'll each have 500 pounds over chinchillas,

Their bods are hard as a rock,

And, they will clean your clock,

Then, you'll take a dirt nap at one of the worm farming villas.

I COULD NOT PLAY MY TOOT, TOOT, TOOT

I could not play my toot, toot, toot,
My trumpet was broken but, not my flute,
Hence, I sounded a peep, peep, peep,
Which made the conductor weep, weep, weep,
So, out of the orchestra I got the boot.

"HEY BIG BEAR, I DON'T SCARE

A bear was out looking at my chicken koop wherein, lie my eggs,

I went to confront him and he stood up on his hind legs,

I said "you mister monster bear,

You are big but, I don't scare,"

 My son inherited the chicken koop less, the chickens and the eggs.

MY GOLDFISH AND THE PIE-HOLE

My goldfish were too big for their bowl,
I didn't have one larger to fulfill the bowl role,
So, I took my goldfish to the lake,
Where I thought they would take,
But, my fish ended up in a bullfrog's pie-hole. 

I WALKED THROUGH THE SHADOW IN THE OFFICE OF BAD BREATH

I walked through the office under the shadow of bad breath,

I turned away my coworkers:  Jim, Tom, Tim, Jane and Beth,

But, I did not get too excited,

Some days their breaths are blighted,

Besides, I'm the owner's nephew;  my dear old uncle Seth.  

TENT WORMS IN MY BRAIN

I fear that the tent worms are coming after me,😧

For I killed all the tent worms in my apple tree,🍎

They're drilling through my ears,👂👂

To muck up my brain gears,👩‍🎓📴

First I'm falling then, I'm crawling please, let my brains be 🆓.

NED GETTING CABLE LIMERICK

To get cable Ned needed a black box,
To hook it up Ned had to alcohol detox,
It was so complicated,
Just hooking up PG rated,
Ned cursed TV cable with "pox".

ADAM, HIS TRAILER AND THE POPLAR TREE POEMS

Adam lived in little tiny trailer,
His poplar tree had a structural failure,
It is too bad that Adam drank like a souse,
He was canned inside his own trailer house.

Adam had a trailer,
Under a poplar tree,
He passed out like a sailor,
Then, the tree fell on he.

CURE FOR AN UNUSUAL ITCH ON THE DOG

I have an unusual dog, 

I named her the Polliwog,

She done swum in the ditch,

Got a real awful itch,

So, I mud-packed her in a frog bog.

 

Polliwog Epilogue

Cured The Ditch Itch On The Bitch