MY TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN

My time machine broke down in the late middle ages,

That was the most backward of human historical stages,

They over used the word "hath",

And, no one at all took a bath,

So, they all stunk be they kings, squires or pages.
 

THE CINNAMON BUN AND MY STAIN

I served punch in my fanciest bowl,

In the bottom the bowl had a hole,

That's where my punch would drain,

On ma's carpet, it left a big stain,

I took comfort with a cinnamon roll.

MY COLD ZONE FROSTY CONE

I had but one small frosty cone,

I saved it for a heatwave yet unknown,

Then when the temps made a big jump,

And heated up my small dump,

My cone put me in the coolest cold zone.

YOUR TRAILER, MY FAILURE, YOU LOSE

Well, I have some really bad news,

In your trailer I put in the wrong fuse,

I didn't expect all the fire,

From every electrical wire,

I'm sure the charred rubble you'll want to peruse.

THE CLOUD SWIMMER

Carrie the fish swam up in the clouds,
She swam way up there to avoid all the crowds,
For space she didn't vie,
It was quiet in the sky,
The packed ocean had a bad case of the clouds.

THE MICHIGAN OMNIVORE

In Michigan for a meal to score,
You must become an omnivore,
With finances unkind,
You eat what you find,
On the dirt, the bush or, the floor.

FAILURE TO TOOT TOOT

I had a little commute,

To the concert hall to play my toot toot,

But to my despair,

Nobody was there,

It seems the promoter had got the boot boot.

BREAKFAST POST ROAST URINE

I went to do an internet post,

While in thought I burned my toast,

It was my last slice of bread,

That was not stale, moldy dead,

My coffee tastes like a urinal roast.

I'M OFF TO THE YONDER PLACE

I'm off to the yonder place,

Where the deer and the antelope mace,

And, the bears and the cougars,

Fight turf wars with their Luger's,

It's still far better than the human race. 

 

FLOWERS FOR THE HUT

I found a flower on the back of my place,

It was so pretty looking most like white lace,

It was too pretty to cut,

To class up my crud hut,

So, dandelions dress up my home base.

EARTH DAY, BIRTHDAY AND POPCORN

It weren't even May,

When I had my Earth Day,

It was on my birthday,

So at home I did stay,

Watching movies, I had to pay,

Eating popcorn from a tray,

On the bean bag where I lay.

Kissed a boyfriend, he named Ray,

So I guess, I must be gay,

Ordered salad, I got hay,

Then went swimming in the bay.

EARTH DAY IS FOR ALIEN ACCOUNTANTS

Earth Day is when on the planet earth,
Alien accountants visit to count every resource,
To tell their home worlds what the planet is worth,
And, what type of trade rules to enforce,

The earth is then bundled and mortgaged and wrapped,
In various financial market makers,
But, someday all the earth’s resources will be taped,
By the alien world resource big takers,

But, what happens when the resources are gone,
And, the mortgage bundles loose all their wraps,
When there is nothing left to steal or to pawn,
Then there will be galactic economic collapse.

ANGEL FISH HAIKU

Angel fish, beauty,
Swim, filter, stuck, poor angel,
Angel fish, heaven.

BOOK BURNING FOR FRED

Fred went to the outhouse and Fred's books were gone,

They were collected and burned by some government spawn,

Fred felt really blue,

With nothing to do,

He fell asleep on his seat until dawn.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS LIVE (NEXT DOOR)

My neighbors went feral again,🐺🐅🐅🐶🐱🐘🐂🐗

They ate all my pigeons and kin,👩‍👩‍👧‍👧👩‍👦‍👦👩‍👧👨‍👦‍👦👩‍👩‍👧‍👧

They ate my sugar and molasses,🎂🍰

Wiped my carpet with their asses,💩💩💩💩

And gnawed holes in my meats cased by tin.🥫🥫

DRAGNET FOR MY FISHING POLE

I walked out on the dock and what did I pass?

A giant, a record, an enormous rock bass,

But, my pole was at the cabin, not out on the dock,

I took it to the cabin when I listened to Bach,

So, I ran back to the cabin to look for my pole,

I looked under the chairs and in every floor hole,

But, my fishing pole was not to be found,

I remembered I left it somewhere on the ground,

Alas, I sent the kids out in a fish pole dragnet,

And, one of them found it so expectations were met,

Then, another found my worms so; I knew I was set,

Next, I ran out on the dock to see if my bass was there yet,

Then, just as I saw that big rock bass in the bay,

He heard my running vibrations and swam fast away,

So, I fished off the dock for the rest of the day,

While, minnows tugged on my worm, trying to bait me to play. 

BEARD FULL OF BUGS LIMERICK

Jason had a beard full of  bugs,
He tried scratching and giving his hairs  tugs,
The bugs would itch and bite,
Jason could not sleep at night,
He shaved and the critters fell on the rugs

A SEPTIC TANK IN TURMOIL

When the bathtub gurgles and the septic gets perky,🛀🚽

When the sink backs up with water that's smelly and murky,💩

Then, you call for the truck,☎🚒

To get your septic tank a suck,⛲💦

Now, the drains in your home will all worky,😁

I WENT SALMON FISHING IN THE SPRING? LIMERICKS

I went salmon fishing early this spring,
I was pulled in like a real ding-a-ling,
The fish pulled me down river,
The cold gave me a shiver,
I don't know if it was a coho or king.

I went salmon fishing in the early spring,
But, salmon run in the fall and that's the thing,
I did get my wish,
I hooked a big fish,
He yanked my arm off and my gold ring.

I went salmon fishing in the spring,
I hooked onto a big log or some other big thing,
I had very bad luck,
My bait would not come unstuck,
My line broke and made a loud ping.

IT RAINED ON MY SNOWMAN ARMY PARADE

Down the rain kept coming and washed my snowman army all away,

I was going to invade the neighbor's rhubarb patch on the first full day of May,

With winter labors I made 

My snowmen on parade,

Now, I'll have to start over with clay.

THE APRIL SNOWS WOES

April snows,
Bring garden woes,
And, ruins everything,

April snows,
Freezes little toes,
And, makes infected ear drums ring,

April snows,
As April goes,
Is no harbinger of Spring,

April Snows,
As everyone knows,
Puts one on Google and/or Bing.

 

MOW THE GRASS

It’s the time of the year to mow the grass,
Although I’d rather just take a pass,
My mower don’t run,
It’s hot in the sun,
The bugs bite me all over my mass.

Mowing the grass is a mortal sin,
It will just grow right back again,
If my heart has an attack,
I'll never grow back,
So, why not let the long grass win?

OLD VICKER THE WICKER PICKER

There was a man named Mr. Vicker,
His passion was restoring old wicker,
He'd prowl down the streets,
Looking for wicker without seats,
He was known as the old wicker picker.

WOODPECKER

The woodpecker pecked wood real jerky,

His bobble head made him look quirky,

His sudden jumps showed he was perky, 

"What'd ya expect?" he said, "I ain't no turkey."

POOR WEASEL PAUL

Poor Weasel Paul went and bit on a bear,
Which he wouldn't have done, but for Weasel Will's dare,
It's not much of a hunch,
What the bear had for lunch,
Which gave Weasel Will a big scare.

A RED BRICK NAMED DAVE

There was a red brick named Dave,
Each day he would rant and rave,
He was part of a wall,
About eight feet tall,
He wished to be part of the pave.

WAR AND FAMINE

I have no hamburger, because of the horrible war,

I ate my goldfish, named Sammy, because I am poor,

Overseas, the bombs are blasting,

Here, my pantry ain't lasting,

And my mouth is now bleeding, because I chewed on the floor,

I then chewed on the chair legs, because I wanted more.

,

I TANKED A TANK AND A BANK

I was in the army and drove a tank,

I drove it out on a lake and it sank,

The army could see,

They did not want me, 

Now, I run a home mortgage bank.

UPON MY TOMATO FRUIT SHALL FEED

I have a little tomato plant that I grew from seed,

When my sister saw it she told mom I grew a weed,

Since my sister is a snoot,

She'll get no tomato fruit,

For only the nicest people upon my fruit shall feed.

MAYBE IT'S THE BOOGEYMAN?

As I laid upon my bed,

Someone painted my toenails red,

Did some elf play a part?

Or, a troll's expression of art?  

Maybe it's the boogeyman trying to get inside my head?

SPOILED DEVILED EGGS HAIKU

Deviled eggs, spoiled,
Bad feeling, not right, belly,
Bathroom, bathroom, SICK!

BOREDOM IS TWO BOWLS OF OATMEAL

So I could find my day through,

I ate an oatmeal bowl times two,

I've a long list of to do,

Starting with a dog walk and poo, 

Then, I'll be milking old Sue, 

The cow that don't moo.

Then, a night cap at Pub Lou,

Each day ends, nothing new,

Yes, lifelong nightmares do come true,

THE STARSHIP BRAIN TRAINER FAILED

Nine thousand years ago I arrived in a starship

I came from a star in your constellation Big Dip,

My mission was to train,

A human to use it's brain,

Obviously, I failed and I don't give a rip.

THAT GNOME GAVE ME A FUNNY LOOK LIMERICK

Watch out the gnomes are coming for you,

They will bite you and eat you and your family too,

They stand out on your dirt,

With their wink you think "flirt",

When, they only look at you as a stew.
 

BEAT BY WALL STREET

Because I invest with a Wall Street bank,
I should not be upset when my savings tank,
Their advice is often really rank,
They trade against me; they’re such a skank,

My broker is drinking imported booze,
While he tells me the really bad news,
He gets out a gun and says “Beat it, you loose,
If you don’t leave now I’ll call the cops if I choose”,

Now while my broker vacations in Rome,
He spends all my money; that little gnome,
I thought I’d retire to a really nice home,
Instead I’ll be buried in a casket of foam.

JENNY HAD A MORGAN SILVER DOLLAR

Jenny had a Morgan Silver Dollar,
It was dated 1883,
When you flipped it over,
It had the mint mark of a “C”,

Jenny sold her silver dollar,
She then felt very rich,
For the several hundred dollars she got,
Would scratch her shopping itch.

MY MILK TURNED INTO CHEESE

My cereal this morning was kind of chewy,
Then, I discovered the milk tasted screwy,
It just made me wheeze,
For my milk had turned into cheese,
So, I added veggies and had cheese ratatouille.

SPRING FOG RISES HAIKU

The spring fog rises,
Glowing white drifts over snow,
Snow melts, dirt rises.

MY DOGGIE MAKES MORE MONEY THAN ME🤔

My big doggy, his name is Clark,

He bites neighbors and goes, "Bark! Bark! Bark!"

The cops came to see him one day,

They had a back and forth say,

Now Clark is employed as the neighborhood nark. 

THE YOGURT THAT WOULD NOT DIE

A lot of spoiled yogurt was in the cake I made,

And, in the belly's of cake partakers the yogurt stayed, and stayed, and stayed,

The ambulances came,

And, I got all the blame,

So, in the resulting lawsuits I payed, and payed, and payed.

THE RABBIT AND MY TULIPS

My tulips all bloomed and bloomed,
But  the rabbit consumed and consumed,
And, I don't think it's fair,
Now my tulips aren't there,
While the rabbit sits chin up and groomed.

CARMAN THE CRAYFISH

Carman was a crayfish,
She played in mud all day,
She once climbed into a clay dish,
Then Carmen went away,

Carman was sold as a crawdad,
She ended up in stew,
Carmen did not taste half bad,
The way most crayfish do,

So, this is how this story will wrap,
Beware ye crayfish who like to play,
Stay away from the crayfish trap,
Or you might be crawdad soufflé.

RANDY THE CINNAMON BUN

There was a cinnamon bun named Randy,
His owner was a young girl named Candy,
Randy tried to jump free,
But, got really dirty,
It was good the garbage was handy.

THE BAD LUCK GAMBLER

I went to Michigan's Turtle Bay Casino,

Lost at all the games I played except for Keno,

But, the loser's way,

Is my typical day,

I learned that when I went bankrupt in Reno.

MUSTARD GAS BREATH EARNS NO CHARMS

Jim grew a stink garden between his toes,

He blew a sandstorm out of his nose,

The air was toxic beneath his arms,

With mustard gas breath he earned no charms,

An hygienic makeover is where this goes. 

A LIMERICK FOR APRIL (THE MONTH)

After a winter that really stunk,
I find my yard is filled with junk,
With the leaves and twigs,
And butts from the cigs,
And the garbage that blew out of my trunk

BENNY HAD TO TAKE A PEA

Benny had to take a pea,

Out of a pea poddy

He needed the form,

Twas a pea corn born norm,

So he could bounce it off a tree.

A FOOL AND HIS CAR ON THIN ICE ARE SOON PARTED

I drove my car out on the ice to do some tip up fishing,

Then, I found out that safe ice was just some foolish wishing,

Under my tires there was a "crack, crack,"

Then, I knew the lake was about to attack,

And, down went my car,

But, it didn't sink too far,

For it landed on another car's back. 

THE RAINBOW AND THE HOSE HOLDER HAIKU

Rainbow, chase dreams, air,
Rainbow maker, all worship,
Sun, Hose holder rules,

SANDY MY PET PYTHON LIMERICK: SANDY GETS THE CHAIR

Sandy was my pet python snake,
She ate all my neighbors and oh, was that a mistake,
It was so hard to bare,
When Sandy went to the chair,
Sadly, I was alone at Sandy's neighborhood wake.

I WON'T FLY ON THAT AIRLINE AGAIN

I decided to go flying,

Didn't know I'd soon be dying,

When we hit a mountain spire,

The plane lit me on fire,

For mountain critters, my meat was frying.

MONDAY THE 13TH

Monday the 13th and I'm out of luck,

No sleep so, my work day is in muck,

I guzzled coffee and got wired,

So much so, I got fired,

And, my car got painted by 12 seagulls and a duck.

BIG BEN AND HIS TIME TRAVEL MACHINE

Big Ben had a time travel machine,
He went back to when earth was pristine,
The earth looked really good,
Where garbage dumps had once stood,
And, the air was so sweet and so clean.

Big Ben traveled back in time,
To where no one ever commited a crime,
He decided to stay,
A million years far away,
From the people that had created the slime.

CARL'S HOMEMADE SWEET & SOUR YEAST WINE

Carl's homemade wine tasted like vinegar,
So, he added sugar to the red beast,
It then tasted like really sweet vinegar,
So, Carl added four more packs of yeast,

Now, Carl raves about his red delight,
But, whenever people come over to dine,
They praise the cooking and that said,
Won't touch Carl's sweet & sour yeast tasting wine.  

ODE TO THE DEEP DARK WEB

Why not live on the deep dark web,
The deep dark web's for me,
Why not live on the deep dark web,
Where the media all comes free,

I use to pay for this and that,
Yeah, all those subscriber fees,
I ate Ramon noodles while the fat cats got fat,
I watched old TV while they watched new sleaze,

Now, I recommend the deep dark web,
You get great content without the billing,
The games, music, and shows on the deep dark web,
Are absolutely thrilling,

Well, things have changed an awful lot,
Since, I found the deep dark web,
It's like I've found a new formed Camelot,
While, my cash outflows have a major ebb.

JEFF WAS THE MASTER OF TELEPORTATION LIMERICK

Jeff was the master of teleportation,
He teleported from nation to nation,
He teleported to Mars,
And then to the stars,
But, he got sick from teleport radiation.

THE RESTAURANT DISHWAHSING SNAILS LIMERICK

Owning a restaurant was one of Joan's greatest wishes,

Now that she owns one she hates washing dishes,

On cleaning dishes she fails,

So, she picked up some snails,

The snails clean but, they leave behind gooey squishes.

 

WHAT'S IN THE STEW?

Margaret, Margaret what's in the stew?
I ate here on Tuesday and came down with the flu,
I use to think no stew finer,
Than the stew at your diner,
But, the last day I ate here I rue.

MY GIRLFRIEND CLEANED MY HOUSE

I had a girlfriend for a very short time,
When she cleaned my house her bad words didn't rhyme,
The porcelains were not white,
Carpet stains from party night,
And the appliances incubated green slime.

PET PIG BACON AND SAGE SPRIG SAUSAGE LIMERICK

Gretta had a pot bellied pig,

Dan's peanuts it decided to dig,

Because Dan's food had been taken,

Dan made the pig into bacon,

And, some sausage with a leafy sage sprig.