THE SWEATY SALMON SAGA

There once was a big red salmon named Strange Betty,
She was the only fish whose under-fins got sweaty,
She tried underarm cream,
Before swimming upstream,
But, she was smelled-out and ate by a Yettie.
 

BAD DAY AT THE BEACH POEM

First a turtle bit my toe, 
And the pain filled me with woe, 
Then a rattle snake bit my shin,
And he pumped some poison in,
A large shark bit my thigh, 
And the pain made me cry, 
Then bird droppings fell on my head,
That’s what sent me home to bed.

AN EXERCISE THAT MADE ME UNFIT

I was fit as a fiddle until I ran down the street,

I thought I'd get a run in before I went to eat,

But, I tripped over my feet,   

And, by the pavement got beat,

Now, I drink through a straw; what a treat!

ROOFTOP TOAD HAIKU

 Rooftop toad,

Hot sun, hot tar, Oh!

Stuck warts and all but, nice view.

 

CANNED FROM THE BAND

I was marching down the road in a band,

When the wind blew and I was covered with sand,

It plugged the hole in my trombone,

Which gave me a crazy tone,

Hence, the band director said I was canned.

THE BALLAD OF DAN DE VILLE

There was a grasshopper named Dan De Ville,
He would hop from hill to hill,
He gave all the girls quite the thrill,
When he'd preen himself on a window sill,

Dan De Ville was quite vain,
To the point he was insane,
He jumped in front of a train,
They say he never felt a pain.

THE PROMISE I COULD NOT KEEP

I googled and googled and googled one day,
To find my best bud in high school,
Old lizard lips Clay,
I found him not in a very good way,

Old lizard lips was buried two miles from town,
I got in my rust bucket to go visit the clown,
I found the spot where he took his dirt nap,
With respect I pulled off my Detroit Red Wings cap,

I brought Old Clay a six pack of beer,
Just to let him know his old buddy was here,
I was glad that an old shade tree was very near,
So, I sat down for a while and shed one great big tear,

We conversed for a while,
Clay didn’t talk too much,
Before Leaving I promised,
That I’d keep in touch,

That was the last time I visited my high school bud Clay,
I haven’t been back there to visit to this very day,
For I had a bad accident on my way back to town,
They buried me ten miles from that lizard lipped clown.

TIM AND MIKE PLAYED LAWN JARTS OUTSIDE

Tim and Mike played lawn jarts outside,
Hitting the target gave a great since of pride,
But neither was a stranger,
For lawn jarts are a danger,
Still, poor Mike got stuck in the side.

MY WHISKERS AND THE FLUTE TOOT

I got all dressed up in my finest suit,

I played all night on my piccolo flute,

Then it got very scary,

Because my face was so hairy,

My whiskers flopped flat my last toot. 

GREGG USED A VACUUM TO CLEAN OUT HIS EARS

Gregg used a vacuum to clean out his ears,

It sucked out his brains and brought his eyes to tears,

Now, just a zombie remains,

As Gregg seeks other's brains,

He should settle for some chips and some beers.
 

FROM: THE LIVING BAIT FISHERMAN

Minnow bucket full,
Too many, no breath, tragedy,
Error, no live bait.

BERT GOT GORED IN THE KEIST LIMERICK

Bert had a big buck chase him through the dell,
He tried to cry out but his throat would not yell,
Bert got gored by the beast,
Through the lower part of his keist,
Why he sits on his knees he won’t tell.

A NANTUCKET LIMERICK

Sometimes you feel you should write rhymes with Nantucket,
I thought so today and then I said "Duck It",
Who likes the East anyway?
I will visit not stay,
I'd rather be home with my beer in a bucket.

SAMMY'S SANDCASTLE AND THE BUILDING CODE LIMERICK

Sammy's sandcastle was not built to code,
He ignored the inspectors and didn't strengthen the load,
The load did not bear,
The sand fell everywhere,
Now, Sammy lives under the bridge in the road.

I PLAYED GOLF AND RAN OUT OF GREEN

I played golf and I ran out of green,
7 holes left but, no money machine,
They'll be no caddy tip,
My beer tab I must skip,
I must sneak off of the golf course unseen.

STUBED BIG TOE HAIKU

Stubed big toe,pain,ouch!
Coffee table TV close,
Furniture makes move.

A LIMERICK ABOUT NOEL

Noel's breath smelled like his sweaty toes, 

And that was the very least of his woes,

His spaceships would never fly,

His car batteries would mostly die,

And no one made him noodles shaped like bows.

RUSS AND HIS GOLD TOOTH LIMERICK

Russ had a front tooth that was gold,
Russ would smile and display his tooth bold,
A thief punched Russ in the face,
The tooth fell out of place,
The thief took the tooth to be sold.

THE WIND BLEW DOWN ALL THE TREES

The wind blew down all the trees,
It brought big men down on their knees,
The great thunder popped,
The windstorm stopped,
Then you could walk where you pleased.

MORRIS THE GANGSTER HAD ONE PRETTY SHOE

Morris had a pretty shoe,

He had only one, but needed two,

So he planted his shoe deep,

Then two shoes he did reap,

And both Morris wears around with his crew.

LARD LOST HIS CHARD

It hailed upon my head so hard,

It made me puke up my Swiss chard,

They was diet greens

To untighten my jeans,

So I'd no longer have the moniker, "Lard".

BEWARE THE GNOMES

If you walk by a house with gnomes in the yard,
Then you'd better walk faster and be on your guard,
For gnomes have but one goal,
It is to steal your poor soul,
And, eat your flesh which they cook till it's chard.

A MARTIAN'S ADVICE FOR A LONG LIFE LIMERICK

A Martian landed on earth,
He had a gigantic girth,
He said, “Earthlings are so skinny,
That’s why your life spans are mini,
Martians live about one million years from birth."

I DID NOT FRECKLE WELL

I fear my face has been Dr. Jeckeled,
I went to bed with clear skin and woke up all freckled,
And, the great change in my face,
Has my friends on my case,
For all the rest of the day I was heckled.

THE PURPLE TEARDROP OF BLOOD

I bought a trinket to wear dangled downed,

It was a purple teardrop, at a rummage sale found,

But when I pierced it through my nose,

I got blood on my cloths,

Now I am hospital bound.

PETS NOT AND SNOT

The ground was all frosty, and Benny's nose filled with snot,

It was a day dear Benny, wished he had forgot,

For a big tired truck,

Hit Benny's pet duck,

For pets, Benny was now a have not.

A PANCAKE GRIDDLE NAMED FRED

There once was a pancake griddle named Fred,
Old Fred made pancakes from breakfast till bed,
Then, real late one spring afternoon,
Fred fell in love with a young batter spoon,
Soon the old griddle and the young spoon were wed.

MY TARDY PAYMENTS LIMERICK

My payments on my credit cardy,

Gain me late fees for I am often tardy,

And, though on debts I muse,

Still in the end just loose,

Just wish my paycheck was a bit more hardy.

 

I'D TILL THE PLACE UNDER IF MY TILLER HAD TINES

May is the month to rake needles from the pines,
In May my lawn fills with gross dandelions,
In May my garden fills with weeds,
When I plant the birds eat the seeds,
I'd till the place under if my tiller had tines.

GOT FIRED AGAIN HAIKU

Donut baker job,
I sampled often, boss mad,
No profits, No job.

Fast food, "order please",
Mix up order, wrong change, bad,
Rude guest, rude back, gone.

VICTOR WATCHED THE FIREFLIES LIMERICK

Victor watched the fireflies at night,
He was fascinated by their blinking light,
Victor was not one who thinks,
He just liked those blinky blinks,
Victor was himself, not very bright.

TADPOLES GOT TALENT

Tadpoles, tadpoles swimming in my deep, muddy ditch,

Soon you'll be a choir when, in puberty you'll find your pitch,

But at least all of you frogs,

Won't bark all night like dogs,

And if you're pretty and sound real nice, you might even become rich.

MY ASPARAGUS DITCH HARVEST

In farm ditches there doth dwell,
Wild asparagus to pick and sell,
But, one fine day,
Old farmer May,
Greeted me with rock-salt from hell.

BERT AND THE PAIL ALE

Bert went to pick up a plastic pail,
Bert had been drinking way too much ale,
Bert slipped and he fell,
Now all is not well,
Bert has a badly busted up tail.

Bert liked to keep his ale in a pail,
He bought 40oz bottles when they were on sale,
He'd drink beer like punch,
For breakfast and lunch,
By dinner he'd sing and regale.

FOUR WITCHES, A BROOM AND A BEAR

Four witches fight over a broom,

They each want to take it zoom, zoom,

Then, along comes this bear,

He grabs the broom, holds it in a dare,

Then, he rides it off into the sunset vroom, vroom. 

THE CURSE OF SPIDERS

In my trailer by the bay,
The menacing spiders won't go away,
The spiders bit upon my lip,
Upon my fingers, belly, hip,
The curse of spiders and I obey.

MY RICH UNCLE BOUGHT AN IMMORTALITY MACHINE

My rich uncle bought an immortality machine,
I am sure that he did so because he is mean,
My inheritance is gone,
And all my stuff I must pawn,
While my uncle lives forever it would seem.

FITTY WAS WITTY BUT NOT WITH HIS NUTS

There was a squirrel named Fitty,

His contemporaries thought he was witty,

But, he picked his nuts way too green,

His belly ached nasty and mean,

Instead of accolades, he only got pity.
 

THE SURVIVALIST POEM

I decided to be a survivalist,
So, I moved out to live under the stars,
But, there is just this tiny little twist,
I happen to be living on Mars,

The air on Mars is not so good,
And, there isn't much to eat,
And, good luck finding firewood,
A drop of water is a treat,

Perhaps I'll move to another place, 
To show I have a survivalist pattern,
I won't give up and show disgrace,
Instead, how challenging could be Saturn?  

MY OLD CAR I CANNOT TRUST

My old car I cannot trust,
The engine belches out green dust,
And when it's running you had better pray,
That it will stop somewhere, someway.

Many say it needs new brakes,
Maybe valves or air intakes,
My own concern is for the driver's door,
It is missing like the floor,

JIM'S ROTTEN POTATOES

The taters Jim raised have all become rotten,
He stored them last fall and they were forgotten,
He stored them under his bunk,
Where they stink like a skunk,
He still ate them and now he's gone trottin'.

IT'S NOT DANDRUFF IF IT'S MOVING

It's not dandruff if it is moving,

If back and forth the spots are grooving,

Best call for some pest extermination,

Or, your scalp will house a new generation,

While, poison resistance keeps improving.

DON'T MARRY A YETI OR YOU MAY END UP SPAGHETTI

Bob the lumberjack married Betty,

She was a Northern Canadian Yeti,

Although, Betty loved Bob from her heart,

She tore his torso apart, 

For meat to flavor spaghetti. 

DENISE AND BACON LIMERICKS

There was a girl named Denise,
Her favorite food was bacon grease,
As for the bacon,
She found it chewy and forsaken,
But the tasty aspects of grease gave her peace.

Denise loved her bacon grease it is true,
She liked to sniff it like model airplane glue,
With her sister's she'd wage war,
During breakfast and times more,
Denise loved bacon grease rancid or new.

MOLDS AND SPORES

My home is full of poisonous molds and spores,

The county condemned it and padlocked my doors,

So, I was moved to the coup,

The one with chickens and poop,

I guess it's cleaner to live on dirt floors.

THE ECLIPSE OF THE BLOODY RED MOON

I and my love were engaged, doing spoon,

When we were frightened by that bloody, red moon,

We both wet our britches,

Before we leaped into ditches,

Then the moon disappeared, none too soon.

MY PUPPY NAMED DUMPY LIMERICK

There was a puppy named Dumpy,
He got that name because his owner was grumpy,
But, Dumpy had a great disposition,
That got Dumpy an executive position,
The success of Dumpy made his owner real jumpy.

A LUNAR ECLIPSE LIMERICK

I once saw a lunar eclipse the moon,

The lunar was big, ugly like a baboon, 

He swallowed the moon whole,

Then scratched off a face mole,

Then he spit the moon out, half past noon.

AFTER THE PARADE

After the parade when the sparklers all fade,

And the tourists go home to their shacks,

Then around the campfire sits a marshmallow choir,

Singing songs of the lake monster's attacks,

Among the people up here, the lake monster they fear,

More than sharp points on some deadly dear racks,

And when that monster comes near the roar that you hear,

Will sound like ten thousand duck quacks,

But, alas the monster has never been clearly seen,

Some say he's brown, some say he's green,

Some say he's a fish with monstrous gills,

Some say he's a porcupine with carnivorous quills,

Of course, all I'm saying is the monster is mean,

All I'm saying is he eats meat and never soybean,

All I'm saying is stay away from the water at night,

For dark is his domain and may ours be filled with light.

HOW NOT TO CLEAN FISH

The fish in my pond had a stench,
I could smell them while I sat on my bench,
The nasty smell I couldn't cope,
I dumped in some soap,
My fish died so pardon my French.

 

ROW, ROW, ROW, ROW, ROW, ROW. ROW..YOUR BOAT

I went out on Lake Michigan and what did I find?

Rip, roaring waves and other weather unkind,

But with no motor to tote,

My little rowboat,

Was bounced off sharp rocks, didn't mind. 

TOE MONSTERS

Methinks there are monsters between my toes,

At least that's what I think there grows,

I hear growls and roars,

Sometimes belching and snores,

I'd venture with a finger, but fear the finger finds woes.

DU WHOOP LITTLE PONEY, DU WHOOP

Du whoop little pony, Du whoop,

The pigs next door eat and live in just sloop,

But, you get to eat hay,

And, in fresh straw you can lay,

By the way, while the pigs get old veggies you get the new crop.

MY VEGETABLE GARDEN FERTILIZER LIMERICK

My vegetable garden was never real green,
It was mostly brown from the beet to the bean,
But, I never got wiser,
Used the same fertilizer,
From the cat's litter box when I clean.

S'MORES IN THE DRAWERS

The drawer on my desk went real sticky,

So, it wouldn't open up on the quicky,

And, in those dark, sticky moors,

I kept my stuff to make s'moores,

My marshmallows became tacky-ticky.

SENTIMENTS FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT SLEEP

Why do people want to stone the witches?

Or, quarry bluegills that live in ditches?

Human behavior is so odd,

Does making it relevant require the rod,

And, everywhere we find the itches.

 

MONSTER RAT LIMERICK 1

I saw a big monster rat,
He's twice the size of my cat,
He scared off my dog,
Then slept like a log,
Thanks to my baseball bat.

TIME TRAVEL IS NOT SAFE LIMERICK

My time machine got stuck,
In 1863 in old Kentuck,
Between the Rebs and the Yanks,
They were firing on all flanks,
I was a tachyon master, all out of luck.

MOTHER SEES ALL SNEAKS HAIKU

Mother sees all sneaks,
Sneak candy, sneak out, sneak TV,
Happy Day, from sneaks.

Sneakers, joyful, fun,
Mother sees, caught, sneakers sad,
Mother, job well done.

Toad Master

It's Friday the 13th, and my pie is without mode,

The anti-angel angel upon waves of lava rode,

From the dark web depths, where he'd been writing code,

Came the anti-angel angel with the reward we all sowed,

He made us all low classmates, subservient to the toad.