MASTER OF THE ANT WARDROBE

I was the only maker of six-legged pants,

So, I owned the valley of the ants, 

To avoid a wardrobe disaster,

The ants made me their master,

And, my design for gym shorts has drawn rants. 

SPELLING AND BEER

My spelleng is note berry gud,

I spel bad cause I ama crud,

But, in won spelleng be,

I spelled "Meticulously,"

Celebrating, I got hooked on the sud.

LEPRECHANS NAMED SARAH AND JANE

I knew a leprechaun named Sarah,
She lived in the attic of her aunt Clara,
Oatmeal cookies she sold,
Made a big pot of gold,
So, she bought a diamond tiara .

There was a leprechaun named Jane,
She moved from Dublin to Southern Spain,
She sold sports cars,
Saved gold in quart jars,
And, made rainbows after each rain.

RECIPE POEM ABOUT FRYING GREEN TOMATOES

POEM RECIPE FOR FRIED GREEN TOMATOES
I make fried green tomatoes,
Sometimes with friend potatoes,
I slice them thick or thin,
Different tastes for different kin,

I dip them in the egg,
I dip them in the flour,
I turn on the stove,
I crank up the power,

When puffed up and golden browned,
That’s the best taste I have found,
There’s nothing better on Puget Sound,
Than fried green tomatoes all around.

I GOT THE ROOF LEAKING FLOOR CAVE IN BLUES

The rainstorm made my roof leak and, it leaked a lot,

The rain filled up every plastic bowl I had and, every cooking pot,

So, the rain then really soaked my floor,

The floor caved in and what's more,

I called my insurance agent and rain coverage I have not.

BASEMENT PARTY OR LAWN JARTS

No one would party with Marty,

Because his basement always smelled farty,

So, Marty spiffed up the air, 

Put on clean underwear,

Still, all stayed outside playing lawn jarty.

PRESERVES IN THE DEEP

I lost all of my strawberry preserves,

In the car crash where I missed the swerves,

On the last swerve to make,

I didn't see the lake,

Now, fish have what my toast deserves.

I BOUGHT LARGER BLUE JEANS

In order to feel thinner I bought larger blue jeans,
I went out to dance at all the popular scenes,
But, when I danced around,
My jeans slipped off to the ground,
I guess humility is something one weans.

MY GRITTY EGGS

My scrambled eggs ain't pretty,

They are mostly grits and gritty,

When you barf, you'll have my pity,

Then, you'll complain on Face and Twitty,

As to my cooking, you'll be quitty.

IT CAME TO THE FAIR

I was manning a fair booth way, way late at night,

I was all alone, there were no peoples in sight,

BAM!!! a great lightning strike,

And, the lights take a hike,

Then, in steps a werewolf and, he knew what to bite.

WHEN DADDY AND MOMMY ARE KISSY KISSING

They were spooning, making out, first basing,

Out in public and, it was disgracing,

It was my mum and dad,

And, they were making me mad,

Their lovy-dove, for my street cred, was defacing. 

TITLE ME THIS

I am a titleist and my writing just stinks,

But, I write really great titles so, I'm added to links,

Then, when my writings are read,

No one knows what I've said,

And, the excitement for my title just sinks.

ANOTHER URBAN FAIR BOOTH STORY

I went to the Fair to work in a booth,

Got attacked by a mare that kicked out my tooth,

Then, a sow ate my toes,

A goat bit off my nose,

I swear to you all, that's the truth.

I SHOWED THE MOSS JUST WHO IS BOSS

My roof was all covered with moss,
So, some fertilizer I gave a toss,
The moss dried up and died,
And, I take belligerent pride,
In showing moss just who is the boss.

I GOT A NEW BODY TO HOLD MY BIG BRAIN

I got a new body to hold my gigantic brain,

It doesn't have heart failure or arthritis pain,

But, it was the body of a pig,

And, my brain was too big,

So, they trimed 10% now, I'm completely insane.  

I BOUGHT A BIGFOOT FOR MY MOM AND DAD POEM

I went to Canada and bought a Bigfoot,
I brought it home for my mom and my dad,
I thought it would keep them company,
But, they said I had done really bad,

The Bigfoot I bought was not house trained,
And, it would not stay in the yard nor the barn,
It broke down the house door and came inside,
Both my parents both screamed “Oh gosh darn!”

The big foot ate all of the stew up,
And, it drank all my dad’s homemade beer,
I guess buying a Bigfoot was a screw-up,
Then, he nibbled on dear old dad’s ear,

Then, my dad started to remember his old dog Frank,
And, how he loved drinking dad’s homemade beer,
The Bigfoot stunk just like his old dog Stank,
Dad proclaimed “the Bigfoot stays right here”,

So, my parents kept the Bigfoot they called Frank,
They seemed to have no more concerns,
It’s good my gift had a number one rank,
Because where I bought it they take no returns.

HOT SUMMER FULL MOON HAIKU

Hot summer full moon,
Stars, Mars, smores, marshmellow bars,
Sleeping bags, bugs, bites.

THE FLIES COME HATCHING OUT

The flies come hatching out,

Then,  through my window screen redoubt,

I swing flyswatter with flair,

But, it needs much repair,

My home swarms with flies all about.

I Accomplished A Lot By Two In The Morning

C'est la vie,

I missed my tea,

Flunked spelling Bee,

In pants, I pee,

Did all by two in the morning,

C'est la vie,

Lost only house key,

Burned macaroni,

My lover dumped me,

All by two in the morning,

C'est la vie,

Let love birdies free,

Sold car and tv,

To the deep woods I flee,

All by two in the morning,

C'est la vie,

In the woods a bear be,

Very hungry was he,

He chewed and ate me,

All by two in the morning.🧸

I WENT TO MANCELONA TO THE COURT OF THEIR QUEEN

I went to Mancelona to visit their great queen,

She was not pleased cause I was ragged and unclean,

She said "take him away,

Douse him good with bug spray,

And, dress him up and then, he just might get seen."

FUTURE MALE MODEL

I got caught in the tar pits and, downward I flow,

To be dug up in the future by blokes I don't know,

They'll put me on museum display,

My bones bare to the day,

Even though, I'm just a jaw bone and a toe.

I PLAGIARIZED MY TERM PAPER AND GOT AN F

I got a F on my term paper, because I plagiarized,
I copied from a book so, I'm not surprised,
I did not use quotes,
Let alone those tedious footnotes,
I guess that's why term papers are so despised.

72421

SAM THE SAILOR LIMERICK

There once was a sailor named Sam,
His teeth were carved from the shell of a clam,
During cold, clammy weather,
Sam's teeth stuck together,
Then, all Sam could mutter was "mam."

MY BAKING MAKES PEOPLE SICK

My blueberry muffins were not quite done,
After my friends ate them they all had to run,
Then, I baked a cake,
Which no one would take,
It seems no baked goods' patrons I've won.

LEAVE THE GOAT ALONE

I found a goat and took him straight to the fare,

I didn't realize he belonged to a backwoods bear,

Well, the bear came along,

He righted that wrong,

And, left my belly with a really big tear.

A FIGHT WITH TWO OR MORE GORILLAS

If you fight with two or more gorillas,

They'll each have 500 pounds over chinchillas,

Their bods are hard as a rock,

And, they will clean your clock,

Then, you'll take a dirt nap at one of the worm farming villas.

I COULD NOT PLAY MY TOOT, TOOT, TOOT

I could not play my toot, toot, toot,
My trumpet was broken but, not my flute,
Hence, I sounded a peep, peep, peep,
Which made the conductor weep, weep, weep,
So, out of the orchestra I got the boot.

"HEY BIG BEAR, I DON'T SCARE

A bear was out looking at my chicken koop wherein, lie my eggs,

I went to confront him and he stood up on his hind legs,

I said "you mister monster bear,

You are big but, I don't scare,"

 My son inherited the chicken koop less, the chickens and the eggs.

MY GOLDFISH AND THE PIE-HOLE

My goldfish were too big for their bowl,
I didn't have one larger to fulfill the bowl role,
So, I took my goldfish to the lake,
Where I thought they would take,
But, my fish ended up in a bullfrog's pie-hole. 

I WALKED THROUGH THE SHADOW IN THE OFFICE OF BAD BREATH

I walked through the office under the shadow of bad breath,

I turned away my coworkers:  Jim, Tom, Tim, Jane and Beth,

But, I did not get too excited,

Some days their breaths are blighted,

Besides, I'm the owner's nephew;  my dear old uncle Seth.  

TENT WORMS IN MY BRAIN

I fear that the tent worms are coming after me,😧

For I killed all the tent worms in my apple tree,🍎

They're drilling through my ears,👂👂

To muck up my brain gears,👩‍🎓📴

First I'm falling then, I'm crawling please, let my brains be 🆓.

NED GETTING CABLE LIMERICK

To get cable Ned needed a black box,
To hook it up Ned had to alcohol detox,
It was so complicated,
Just hooking up PG rated,
Ned cursed TV cable with "pox".

ADAM, HIS TRAILER AND THE POPLAR TREE POEMS

Adam lived in little tiny trailer,
His poplar tree had a structural failure,
It is too bad that Adam drank like a souse,
He was canned inside his own trailer house.

Adam had a trailer,
Under a poplar tree,
He passed out like a sailor,
Then, the tree fell on he.

CURE FOR AN UNUSUAL ITCH ON THE DOG

I have an unusual dog, 

I named her the Polliwog,

She done swum in the ditch,

Got a real awful itch,

So, I mud-packed her in a frog bog.

 

Polliwog Epilogue

Cured The Ditch Itch On The Bitch

THE BEAR SQUIRREL

My friend looks like a big bear and thinks like a dumb squirrel,

He forgets where he puts things like, the thing that makes his hair curl,

He remembers stuff wrong,

Like the words to a song,

And, clams give him the runs and the hurls.

SOUR DRINK HAIKU

Lemons, sour tea,

Sour Milk, Sour Coffee,

Whiskey sour, tears.

Top Down, Bottoms Up And, It's Over

Kyler and Roxy were happy soul mates,

They found it out at work, on dates,

A decaying love is a loss,

Covered quickly with green moss,

Red hot tempers would seal their fates.

I WONDERED, WHERE'S MY PARLOR

I wondered where my parlor was,
So, I searched my house with a double look,
But, I never found where the parlor was,
Although, I did find a little nook,

I called in a construction expert,
To show me my parlor's spot,
He said drive stakes in my yard's dirt,
Because a parlor I have not,

The expert said he'd build me one,
Just off the entryway,
But, money I have none,
So, the expert would not stay,

Now, I sit upon my porch out front,
Dreaming of the parlor that would never be,
But, one thing came from my parlor hunt,
I gained a nook and the price was free.

TYRANT ORANGE

When Donny was a little orange, he dreamed of a future day,

When Donny would be president and, have scary things to say,

He would threaten persons near and far,

And, be all bullies rising star,

But, he made too many people mad so, Donny went away.

Rugs and bugs and it's a new pillow for me

My pillow ended up way down on the floor,

I didn't hear it fall because I loud snore,

Now, My pillow is all full of bugs,

From my seldom cleaned rugs,

So, I'll buy a new pillow when I go to the store.

SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER LIMERICK II

Snapping turtle twenty feet wide,
In Skegemog Lake where you reside,
Are giant muskies the food you take,
Or, do you feed on the rattlesnake,
Whatever you eat had better hide.

BRAD ATE SPOILED HOT DOG RELISH

Brad ate a hot dog but the relish was spoiled,
His stomach couldn't take it and so it recoiled,
He had to repeat and repeat,
Until his upchuck was complete,
Now he won't eat relish unless, it's been boiled.

HAVE A COOKIE? MAYBE NOT

My hand got caught in my cookie jar,

I got it out but, it has a big scar,

My cookies are now cruddy,

All covered in my bloody,

And, my company just pulled up in their car.

THE SHARK RIPPED ED A NEW ONE IN THE BOTTOM OF ED'S BOAT

The shark knew he couldn't get Ed while Ed was on his boat,
So, the shark ripped a new hole in the bottom of Ed's float,
As Ed's boat went underwater,
Ed made like an otter,
Still, It was Ed's destiny to be by a shark, smote.

JOE THE SUNFISH

Joe the sunfish liked to eat lady bugs,
He liked eating worms and not so much slugs,
He liked his girlfriend best,
So, they built a big nest,
And, raised up a sunfish family with hugs.

JERRY DOCKED HIS BOAT UP TO THE QUAY

Jerry docked his boat up to the quay,
He wanted to unload it so to get on his way,
Alas, to Jerry’s great dislike,
There was a loading dock strike,
So, Jerry’s load just sat there all day.

A TIGER, A PIE AND THE FOURTH OF JULY

At a picnic on the Fourth Of July,
A tiger ate all of my apple pie,
I told him that in my heart there's no room,
For anyone who would wrongly consume,
And, that's when he started to cry.

🇺🇸 ON THE 4Th 2021 🇺🇸

I burned my hands doing sparklers then, I started crying,

I next played with fireworks and my fingers went flying,

And, my roasted hot dogs with buns,

Gave my visitors the runs,

But hey, it's 2021 and at least I am trying.

MY DOG HATES SWISS CHARD OR, IS IT JUST ME

I had a pet doggy named Fred,

He became vicious when he wasn't fed,

But, when I fed him Swiss chard,

He bit me real hard,

So hard I bled out and went dead.

MACY THE WHITE TAILED DEER-Limerick

Macy is a white tailed deer,
She crosses traffic when it's clear,
She will wait for days,
She will look both ways,
That's why Macy is still here.

A deer named Macy eats in sweet corn fields,
She angers farmers as she reduces yields,
They all want her to pay,
She outwits them each day,
Her cunning is the one weapon she wields.

PARADISE FOR SALE?

My trailer is starting to decompose,

The plumbing is shot so, I hooked the pump to a hose,

The roof leaks streams in the rain,

My caved in floors provide a drain,

I'd sell but, I'd owe money at close.

THE EATER OF BUGS PART II

Sid the Mantis was an eater of bugs,
He trounced on them and gave them no hugs,
In Sid's worldly view,
Bugs were just too few,
They taste great though they have ugly mugs.

The Little Living Brain

Though my family protested that I was insane,

I obtained a licence to fly an airplane,

Well, I let autopilot be my guide,

So, I could sleep on each ride,

Now, I swim in an ocean to keep a living brain.

DEATH OF A SPORTS CAR (NOT)

We went to the parade to celebrate Pride,

But, on the way there my Ford Focus, it died,

Good news, through the kindness of a stranger,

We road to Pride with his Ranger,

My little car didn't go but, it tried.

BARRY'S MARCHING BAND LIMERICK

Barry's band marched in a parade down the main street,

But, no one could tell their right from left feet,

They couldn't march in a straight line,

But, sounded just fine,

Even though, the drum major couldn't keep the beat.

TIME LOOP FROM HELL

I got caught in a really nasty, bending time loop,

I was stuck in the past when pop was hula hoop,

While, the stuff on TV, 

Made me just want to flee,

And, the food was just crackers and soup.

THERE ONCE WAS A BOATER NAMED FRANK

There once was a boater named Frank,
He kept running up on the bank,
He once missed the dock,
Slammed into a rock,
Of course then, his boat quickly sank.

A boater named Frank went out on the bay,
It thundered and lightning all of the day,
His boat motor got popped,
Into the water it dropped,
Then, Frank paddled home all of the way.

MY TWEETS BROUGHT MY POLL NUMBERS DOWN

I ran for public office and got run out of town,

I thought I was serious, they called me a clown,

I tweeted, "no money for roads,"

And, "let the people eat toads,"

So, my tweets brought my poll numbers down. 

USING HAIKU TO DEFINE YOUTH AND ADULTHOOD AS A BIOLOGICAL AND SOCIAL CONSTRUCT

Young, old, difference,

Young, flagellation, funny

Old, farts, annoying.

THEY SUCK BLOOD BETWEEN OUR TOES

I thought I'd give my friend some teaches,

As we walked along the beaches,

We found fossil stones,

Some carp fish bones,

Alas, between our toes sucked, leaches.