THE EX

Contacting my daughter I had to abort,
In case I had to pay back child support,
My ex-wife was such a terrible menace,
She ran off with the man that taught her tennis,
I should not have to pay for his comfort.

A PSYCHIC NAMED MARGO MABLE

There was a psychic named Margo Mabel,
She would talk to spirits at the kitchen table,
First she would dine,
Then, she’d drink lots of wine,
The wine caused her psychic mind to enable.

THE 2014 LIMERICK

HAPPY NEW YEAR

                     The year 2014 has started,
           And, we remember the dearly departed,
                      If by the end of this year,
                       We're all standing here,
             We'll know that 2014 was kindhearted.

WHAT SANTA DOES WHILE UNEMPLOYED

When Santa sits around unemployed,
He stares off into the void,
Soon lickety-split,
He jumps up, he can’t sit,
He must design a toy doggie droid.

IT'S THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS

It's the day after Christmas and what is my wish,
But, to cut open a can of some flaked tuna fish,
After a big Christmas dinner,
Tuna fish is a winner,
Just stick a fork in the can and then swish.

THE NUTS, THE GUTS AND THE CUTS LIMERICK

Jim roasted a bag of chestnuts,
He cracked them open to get to the guts, 
It didn't hurt Jim's pride,
If no guts were inside,
But, his fingers got chestnut shell cuts.

TO BE A TWIT

Social media in just a few letters,

Is for the simple minded bed wetter‘s, 

If you cannot exchange, 

In verbiage of wide range,

Then you’re amongst the intellectual debtors.  

MISS SHORT LOVED HER RHUBARB PIE

Miss Short made great rhubarb pie,
She ate it in her den,
She’d share it with anyone,
A neighbor, a stranger or, kin,

Miss Long made a rhubarb pie,
She could not give it away,
She didn’t cook the rhubarb down enough,
It was runny like soup most say,

Miss Short would not share her secrets,
Miss Short’s pie was always the top,
Miss Long tried to make more pies,
But, they all turned out to be just slop.

THE IN-BETWEEN OF HER TOES

Natalie had a really small nose,
Even so, she could smell the in-between of her toes,
It was offensive, unclean,
All that gooey green,
So, she washed the in-between with a hot power-hose.

NANCY THE SCORPION LIMERICK

Nancy the scorpion has one nasty bite,

It is because her long tail is wound up very tight,

Her tail has such a sting,

She displays it like bling,

And, she likes to surprise you at night.

HERBIE AND HIS LEAN-TO SHACK

Herbie built a lean-to shack,
To show the world he could come back,
He had lost his home,
To a Wall Street gnome,
After his employer gave him the sack.

I NEED A RICH GIRLFRIEND

Need rich girlfriend,
I play computer games, drink,
Need money for both.

THE SNEEZE MADE ME CHOOSE BEANS AND NOT PEAS

I went to the market to buy some bulk, dried, green peas,
But, over the bulk-bin the clerk gave a sneeze,
It gave me a chill, 
Watching the white mucus spill,
So, I asked for the red beans if you please.

THE CHICKENS IN JEFF'S DRAWERS

Jeff found some chickens in his drawers,
They had ate his marshmallows he had saved for s'mores,
The chickens were hasty,
So, Jeff fried them up tasty,
Then, his after dinner dessert was a Coors.

REVENGE OF THE WOOD STOVE WIZARD

There once was a wizard who's wood stove burned wood,
When the fire burned brightly the wizard was good,
But, when the wood smoldered and hissed,
The wizard felt dissed,
And, burned down all the woodlands he could.

THE CHOCOLATE BAR IN THE JAR LIMERICK

Don found in his basement an old greenish jar,
He found within it an unwrapped chocolate bar,
It was bitter and sour,
Don spit it with power,
For it wasn't chocolate but, an old chunk of tar.  

THE STEVE LIMERICK

This limerick is about a hiker named Steve,
Up steep, rocky mountains he'd swerve and he'd weave,
Once he got to the top,
He sucked down sodapop,
Then, Steve got sick and gave his soda a heave. 

MARISSA THE TOAD PICKS ON A FAT BEAR

Marissa was a vain and thoughtless young toad,
She was covered with warts as per toad dress code, 
Marissa told a bear he was too fat,
So, he pooped on the toad brat,
Which made Marissa's pretty warts all erode.

A LOGIN LIMERICK

I tried and failed to login,
I couldn't remember my pin,
Then, I typed in my name,
And, up my account came,
I know a simple pin is a sin.

CHRISTMAS: THE NIGHT BEFORE LIMERICK

It was the night before Christmas and I just found my mouse,

I had searched and I searched all over the house,

I had e-mails to send,

Many relatives to offend,

Then, I spilled eggnog and my keyboard took a douse.

 

THE SKEETER HEATER AND MY DRIED-UP POND LIMERICK

One day the sun was quite the heater,

It even dried-up every skeeter,

But, my pond fish had a need,

For fresh skeeter feed,

No matter, my pond dried-up, every liter.
 

MY FORTH OF JULY FIREWORKS

My fireworks went-off on the forth of July,

But, it was inside the car and made my mom cry,

No one was hurt,

But, mom was real curt,

And, lectured until us kids heaved a sigh.

THE FEDS, MY FAMILY AND ME

I got home just in time to take my meds,

But, they were confiscated by the Feds,

My family accused of being reds,

Now, we sleep in cages on bunk beds.

RICH GOT A LITTLE TINY PRICK

Rich got a little tiny prick,

When the doctor said that he was sick,

The needle was long,

 It felt painful and wrong,

But, felt better with a big kissy lick.

VEGAN NACHO TOMATO PASTE

My friend Carey gave me some vegan nacho tomato paste,

She made it from scrapings from her yard, garden waste,

I don't know what her yard, garden grows,

But, it ran out my nose,

And, left me with a rotten veggie, bitter fungal yard taste.

MILK, THE ALTERNATIVE FUEL

There was an inventor whose name was Larry,

He invented a car that ran on dairy,

Cheese, milk, and eggs too,

Made his car cluck, cluck and moo,

But, the price of the fuel made folks wary.

THE BIG ROCK COMES FOR US

There's a great big rock that comes for us,

But, We cannot jump off our satellite bus,

Our forward road is so clear,

Our future time is quite dear,

We must enjoy life without fear or a fuss.

BACTERIA FIT FOR A KING

The king took a drink from his favorite chalice,

But, the drink was filled with a bacterial malice,

The king was a dope,

Didn't like hot water or soap,

So, on porcelain he reigns from the palace.

I STOLE A DRUID'S STAFF AND HE STOLE MY BACKWOODS JEEP

I rode my jeep into the woods and found a druid fast asleep,

He had a magic staff that I decided I would keep,

But, man did I take a toll,

That vengeful druid made me a troll,

And, even worse he stole my backwoods custom jeep.

SIMON CHOOSE THE BOOZE

Simon had two girlfriends,
They both had hair dyed blue,
One girlfriend was Rachel,
The other one was Sue,

Simon's blue haired girlfriends,
Got together and said "choose",
Simon couldn't live with just one,
So, he picked a third choice:  booze!
 

DON'S PERSPECTIVE AND HIS REALITY

Don thought happiness was a perspective you turned on at will,

Until after he received his very first bill,

After he received many more,

He figured out what was in store,

Don's perspective went from happy to ill.

THE BOTULISM LIMERICK

Jennifer ate mushrooms she picked in the yard,

Those she didn't eat she froze or she jarred,

But with some she got sick,

Because she cooked them too quick,

And botulism caught her off guard.

 

MOTHER'S DAY CHICKEN

Mommy ate chicken for her Mother's Day meal,

She shouldn't have ate it because it was colored teal,

Well, Mommy got sick,

From her Mother's Day Chick,

Pink bismuth made her sick belly heal.
 

MY OLD MARE LIMERICK

My old mare thought she was a superior horse breed,

So, she'd only eat super premium horse feed,

Then, she read the ingredient on the sack,

And, had a major heart attack,

For the ingredient was just ground up ragweed.
 

THE BROKEN NOSE LIMERICK

I was watering my garden and pulled on the hose,

It pulled loose from the house and I fell on my nose,

My nose broke in two places,

So, with two profile faces,

I change my look when I change my nose pose.

 

FUNDING A NEW CORVETTE

I went to buy a new Corvette,

But, found I couldn't afford the debt,

So, I remortgaged my house,

Divorced my shop-happy spouse,

Still, my funds haven't got their yet.
 

DEBBIE JOINED A PICKET LINE

Debbie joined a picket line to show union support,

She was arrested for trespassing and ended up in a court,

She got 90 days,

Found support seldom pays,

When police show up your protest, abort.
 

LEPRECHAUN SWEET TOOTH LIMERICK

A lot of leprechauns are shopping in stores,

Buying candy bars and marshmallows for s'mores,

But, what is really sad,

Is their teeth are all bad,

Unlike sweet treats toothpaste really bores.

THE TURTLE RETIREMENT PLAN

Because my elderly shell was all cracked,

From my job as a turtle I was sacked,

I tried for a pension,

But, got nothing but tension,

A plan to get old I had lacked.

 

A DEAD PIG THAT SMOKED A CIG

I went on an archaeological dig,

I thought I found a Mummy but just found a pig,

He was wrapped up in fine linen,

And the pig was a grinin'

While smoking a hand rolled big cig.
 

AEROBICS WITH EMILY

Emily signed up to take an aerobics class,

But, the time there seemed it would never pass,

So, for an after-class treat,

Emily went out to eat,

And added a bit more to her mass.

SWIMMING ON THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING

It is the first day of spring and I'd like to go swimming,
But, the lake is froze over so my prospects are dimming,
A cold front is moving in,
So. there is no way I can win,
Except on my ice boat wind skimming.

Fashion Duck went swimming on the first day of spring,
But, it was really cold and he  was froze wing to wing,
He was soon on the very brink,
Of being an iced duck that would sink,
To stay afloat he shed his wallet and his bling.

Old George always went swimming on springs very first day,
He liked to swim clear across the great Sutton's Bay,
But, it was way too cold out this year,
He didn't make it halfway past the pier,
He should be thawed out in the late part of May.

IT IS ST. PATRICKS DAY WAY UP IN CANADA

It is St. Patrick's Day way up in Canada,
When big foot monsters dye themselves green,
Then parade with their kilts and their bagpipes,
And, select a big foot St. Patrick's Day Queen,

It is St. Patrick's day way up in Canada,
When all the leprechauns run far, far away,
Because for the big foots way up in Canada,
Leprechauns, are the main course on St. Patrick's Day.

DAN THE UNWELCOMED

Dan is unwelcome when he shows up at my door,

He raids my liquor cabinet til my liquor's no more,

So, I keep only wine and beer,

Now, Dan won't show up here,

Dan now spends his time at his liquor store.
 

WILLIE PLAYED BASKETBALL

Willie played basketball,
Even though, he was just five feet tall,
He'd go out on the court,
And, was a really good sport,
Although, he never touched the ball at all.

Willie played basketball,
He was short but, gave it his all,
And, nobody cared,
No laughter was spared,
When, poor Willie from the court crawled.
 Willie played basketball,
He was short but, had lots of gall,
Willie tried tripping tall guys.
But, what a surprise,
His efforts received a foul call.

I'M CELEBRATING MARCH FIRST BY EATING

It is finally March the first,

I have filled up on pop and bratwurst,

But, I will find the means,

For some back bacon and beans,

Add sauerkraut and I just might burst.

 

THE YEAR OF THE SNAKE LIMERICKS

PHIL FEARS THE CRITTER OF THE YEAR

Phil fears the year of the snake,
Those critters make him shake and quake,
Bring back the year of the rat,
Phil swings a mean baseball bat,
But, he's not so good with a rake.

　

WHY DO SNAKES HAVE THEIR OWN YEAR?

Why do snakes get a year to themselves?
Gnomes don't and neither do elves,
And, a whole can of Deet,
Won't keep snakes off my feet,
Or, from sleeping on my vanity shelves.

　

DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT THE BAD MAN

My Wall Street broker was a very bad man,

He stole all my money then, off to Aruba he ran,

Now surrounded by the sea,

He is completly safe from me,

But, for complaining the government put me in the can.

STINKY FISHING

I wanted to unload my fish catch up at the quay,
But, the harbor master said I should stay far away,
He said my fish were stinking up the town,
My boat should be sunk down,
And, that’s where my fish catch should stay.

ROADS DIVERGE BUT THE CHOICE MATTERS NOT

Two roads went different ways in the deep, dark woods,

I was returning home late with my grocery dry-goods,

Down one road a bear growled,

Down the other a wolf howled,

And, down each road laid lots of empty red, riding hoods.

WHAT A RELATIONSHIP

Jen and I fought a world war,

So, I got up and walked out the door,

Then, we each had a good cry,

Thought we'd have a new try,

So, I came back and we fought some more.

 

IT'S NEWS YEARS EVE AND MY GIRL MARY

It’s New Years Eve and my girl Mary,
Ran off with some dude she called Barry,
Even my pup ran off with some mutt,
Leaving me watching a documentary on the life of king Tut,

I’m so very glad that this year,
Has reached its imminent demise,
I shed not a single tear,
I hope next year I’ll be wise,

No girlfriends for me,
No pets for me anymore,
I’ll cherish the time I am free,
While only myself I’ll adore.

WHY CAN'T I SELL MY STOCKS ON CHRISTMAS DAY?

I went to sell my stocks on Christmas Day,
For I needed to buy presents and no way to pay,
But, Wall Street was closed down,
My family was coming to town,
So, I skipped out of town to L.A.

THE SATIRICAL LIMERICK

The limerick man wrote a limerick in jail,
It was about the high cost of bail,
The judge read it twice,
Raised the bail up thrice,
So, the limerick man still sits on his tail.

MY ONLINE DATE

Karen was a zombie pain,
Because she bit into my brain,
Maybe she tried to flirt,
But, her bite really hurt,
Finding love online is insane.

THE NOVEMBER IDES HAIKU

November Ides? Gee!
Ides? Celebrate? Fear? Party?
Day off? Relax? Great!

OF KITES AND KINGS

The reign of kings and dictates of the state,
Their engine speaks without review of choice,
The masses, millions,live from fate to fate,
Their cries are silenced by the nobler voice.

The technocrats, the learned contemplate,
Their, marbled halls and golden domes so grand,
Their seaside towns where they can recreate,
And, celebrate the powers in their hand.

The millions work and let their leaders play;
No land, no strength, no powers can they sight;
The rich man's clout shall rule beyond today;
The poor mans luck goes crashing like a kite.

The kings by choice, they soar above the ground,
By winds and strings the kites drift ever down.

NOW THAT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME HAS ENDED

Now that Daylight Savings Time has ended,


Getting a game of golf in gets me winded,

I use to make my holes last and last,

But, darkness comes so I play fast.

WHEN SANTA'S JOB IS DONE LIMERICK

On Christmas day Santa sat smoking his pipe,
He had just opened up a can of fresh tripe,
His job was now over,
Until the end of October,
But, Mrs. Claus could work; she could type.

A SALMON TEASE NAMED LOUISE

There was a big salmon named Louise,
She swam by the pier for a fisherman's tease,
The baits were never taken,
Until I tried on some bacon,
With lemon I consumed her with ease.