IF YOU WANT TO GO FISHING THERE IS NO GAIN WITHOUT PAIN

If you want to go fishing there is no gain without pain,
To get the big worms you must go out in the rain,
So, in the rain I took hikes,
Survived two lightning strikes,
But, the second strike cooked half of my brain.

THERE WAS AN OILMAN NAMED SCOOTER

There was an oilman named Scooter,
He was just the biggest polluter,
He dumped oil in the sea,
To make it life free,
And, he raised prices for the commuter.

I WENT TO THE BANK TO DRAW OUT SOME MONEY

I went to the bank to draw out some money,
An elderly lady cashier said, "You can't have it now, honey,
For the bank is deep in arrears,
And, the owners took off it appears,
They retired, those sweet dears,

No doubt living someplace sunny."

Oh Crap, A Dirt Nap

Pining for a new companion,

Overseas I took a fly,

Rammed a mountain; fell into a canyon,

No one but I, didn't burn and die,

Hugs I had upon my rescue,

Universal healthcare had not I,

Beneath the dirt I now feed red fescue,

Rules:  I had no healthcare so, I die.

BEEF ROAST WITH SQUIRMING RICE

My beef roast was loaded with squirming rice with eyes,

Finding rice in my roast was quite a surprise,

I queried how they got there?

And, the answer grayed my black hair,

It seems they were laid there by swarming black flies.  

WEED AND BOOKS LOST BECAUSE OF LOOKS

Because he did not like my looks,

Florida's Gov. took away my books,

He confiscated my weed,

I have nothing to read,

The Gov. and his lackeys are snooks .

THE SNIFFLES

I sniffle here, I sniffle there,

I sniffle on my reclining chair, 

I sniffle all day long at work,

And, my sniffles give my boss an irk,

I sniffle when I cut my lawn,

I sniffle from the dusk to dawn,

But, when I don't sniffle I get a runny nose,

Then, I must contend with real wet clothes.

  

DRAGNET FOR MY FISHING POLE

I walked out on the dock and what did I pass?

A giant, a record, an enormous rock bass,

But, my pole was at the cabin, not out on the dock,

I took it to the cabin when I listened to Bach,

So, I ran back to the cabin to look for my pole,

I looked under the chairs and in every floor hole,

But, my fishing pole was not to be found,

I remembered I left it somewhere on the ground,

Alas, I sent the kids out in a fish pole dragnet,

And, one of them found it so expectations were met,

Then, another found my worms so; I knew I was set,

Next, I ran out on the dock to see if my bass was there yet,

Then, just as I saw that big rock bass in the bay,

He heard my running vibrations and swam fast away,

So, I fished off the dock for the rest of the day,

While, minnows tugged on my worm, trying to bait me to play. 

NO SLEEP HAIKU

No sleep, mind tired,
Got up early, stayed up late,
Work. America.

A SNOWMAN GAVE ME A DIRTY LOOK

A snowman gave a dirty look right at me,
I tried to ignore him but he wouldn’t let it be,
I asked him to stop,
Then I flagged down a cop,
I’ve been arrested while the snowman is free.

On New Years a snowman gave me a look,
It was offensive is the notion I took,
I had such a desire,
To set the snowman on fire,
I used up every match in my book.

SNOW VS SUNBEAMS

Snowflakes burn, acid,
Sunbeams warm, kind, love, life, dreams,
Snow, white dirt over graves.

MY EXPENSIVE FOUR WHEEL DRIVE TRUCK LIMERICK

My four wheeled drive truck had all four wheels on ice,
I spun round and round seeing the grim reaper thrice,
I said a quick prayer,
As I wept with despair,
My trucks performance did not match its price.

I GUESS I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME

I guess I have no one to blame,

I missed out at my one chance for fame,

For I rescued a treed kitty,

Said the paper of the city,

But,

 they neglected to correctly spell my name.

MY LITTLE DOG NAMED MABEL

My little dog named Mabel,

Is mentally unstable, 

She chewed the legs off the kitchen table,

And everything fell on the floor,

My little dog named Mabel,

Moved to a coup designed with a gable,

She eats frogs and snakes when she's able,

And barks with a lion's roar,

My little dog named Mabel,

Is the stuff of legend and fable

She chewed through my TV cable,

That was her way to even the score.

A ROOSTER NAMED LEE LIMERICK

There was a young rooster named Lee,
He planed to escape and be free,
When no one looked hence,
He flew over the fence,
To a fox that waited for he.

A rooster named Lee loved chicken feed,
He ate a lot more than he could need,
Lee got big and fat,
The farmer saw that,
Lee was supper because of his greed.

I GOT BIT BY MY PET BRAIN EATING ZOMBIE SQUIRREL TODAY

HOW I BECAME A ZOMBIE
My pet brain eating zombie squirrel bit me earlier today,
My nose is runny with some goopy green stuff and my skin is turning real gray,
I am having terrible headaches and my stomach has horrific hunger pains,
I think the only way to cure this malady is by eating someone else’s brains.

THE PASSIONATE PRICE POINTS OF WARDROBE

You know when someone is full of passions,

It's when they obsess with their wardrobe fashions,

So, why not make money,

Suggesting wardrobe changes are sunny,

And, buying at price points due to strict rations. 

COUGARS

Cougars,real,deadly,
Stalking the Michigan woods,
Danger is out there.

PEOPLE HAVE FLAVOR

People have flavor,
People taste just like chicken,
A real treat for bears.

THE ANGELS OF HO

Back in the season of Ho, Ho, Ho,

I made some angels in the snow,

Now spring is here,

My angels disappear,

Wherever they've gone I don't know.

WENDELL HAD A WOOD STOVE

Wendell installed a wood stove,
It burned down half his house,
He could have lived in the other half,
But, he was kicked out by his spouse,

Wendell lived out on the street,
He was not so very fine,
He lost his shoes and had bare feet,
But, was comforted with wine,

Wendell had it really good,
But, made a really big mistake,
So, if your heat source uses wood,
Install it right for goodness sake.

SQUEAKY TIRE

My front tire started to squeak,
I thought it was just a slow leak,
But, as I zoomed down the highway,
My tire rolled down a byway,
Then, my accident came to a peak.
 

I WENT TO CANADA AND BOUGHT A BIGFOOT

I went to Canada and bought a Bigfoot,
I brought it home for my mom and my dad,
I thought it would keep them company,
But, they said I had done really bad,

The Bigfoot I bought was not house trained,
And, it would not stay in the yard or the barn,
It broke down the house door and came inside,
Both my parents both screamed “Oh gosh darn!”

The big foot ate all of the stew up,
And, it drank all my dad’s homemade beer,
I guess buying a Bigfoot was a screw-up,
Then, he nibbled on dear old dad’s ear,

My dad started to remember his old dog Frank,
And, how he loved drinking dad’s homemade beer,
The Bigfoot stunk just like his old dog Stank,
Dad proclaimed “the Bigfoot stays right here”,

So, my parents kept the Bigfoot they called Frank
They seemed to have no more concerns,
It’s good my gift had a number one rank,
Because where I bought it they take no returns.

THE PIMPLED GOT PIMPLE CREAMED

Jim got pimpled on his face,

He got pimpled on his back,

He got pimpled on his arms and legs,

Then, came rebellion, attack,

Jim applied some pimple cream,

He applied some pimple suave,

He sat in hot tub steam,

Soon, no pimples did Jim have,

Jim picks on the pimple challenged,

Those less fortunate than he,

Although he knows the cure is simple,

Just practice pimple cream piety. 

 

I WISH I WAS A LUCKY LARRY

Larry was a high school hero,

Who had an ego as big as Nero,

He said he'd live off his good looks,

And, never bother with the books,

He now has billions, while I have zero.

PP03252022

 

THE BASE GUITAR LIMERICK

Leroy played the base guitar,
But, the sounds he made were so bizarre,
His band gave him the boot,
Now, he’s a bitter old coot,
Playing for tips left in his mason jar.

FROSTBITE, MY WINTER FRIEND

Frostbite was my winter friend,

It made my fingers numb,

But, when I stayed out in the cold too long, 

My family called me dumb,

Now, frostbite has never derided me,

Nor, been real hostile to make me feel bad,

Just because I'm the only one who cannot ski,

Except for great, great, great, great granddad,

Now, frostbite caused me to lose an arm,

Along with both rows of toes,

When I was found they said I had about bought the farm,

Then, they cut off my puggy nose,

I'm not sure all that knifery was needed,

I'm not a doctor, I just love a good dare,

And, while cutting me cleanliness was not heeded,

So, I bid farewell for wellness I didn't fare.    

I SCARE MY DOG WITH AIDA BY VERDI LIMERICK

My dog has become quite the scaredy,
He hides when I play Aida by Verdi,
As the trumpet march solo begins,
My dog's on needles and pins,
Then I step to an opera march parody. 

CURSED

Everyone always tells me that life is easy as a breeze,

But I'm always living with war, petulance, famine and disease,

Maybe I have gloomy rhymes,

But I'm always living in real bad times,

Whatever evil spirit cursed me, I wish I could appease.

CEDAR SWAMP BROOK TROUT LIMERICK

Today I decided to lounge all about,
And go fishing for some little bitty brook trout,
I took my pick,
From a cedar swamp crick,
Tasting piney; I washed them down with stout.

THE END OF THE UNIVERSE AND ME

What if the universe runs out of time,
Can I still eat my beef that is labeled as prime?
Can I admire my gardens of veggies and flowers?
Or, nip away at cheap whisky I flavor with sours?
When the universe ends for all these things I will pine,
So, I'll now increase consumption so at the end I won't whine.

THE BIGFOOT AT MY TRAILER DOOR

A Bigfoot knocked on my trailer door,
When I didn’t let him in he gave off a roar,
I made him bacon and eggs,
He still broke my legs,
Those Bigfoots make me real soar.

MY BLOG IS ALL POOPY

I blog about this, I blog about that,

I know I've been blogging too long, when I blog about scat,

Because nobody cares,

About the poop from the bears,

Or the texture of guano from a bug eating bat.

THE CLOUD COMPUTING LIMERICK

I'm computing way up in a cloud,
It's the new thing and I'm feeling new-proud,
But I worry each day,
If I'm one click away,
Of my info sent far and made loud. 

32122

MARTY THE DANCING POOCH

Marty was a dancing pooch,
He would dance but demanded hooch,
For imported ale,
He’d just wag his tail,
For bourbon he’d dance hootchy-kootch.

THE BALLAD OF BUGSY LEE

Bugsy Lee liked to drive too fast,
His car slid off the road,
He hit a tree and skinned his knee,
And, scared away a toad.

Bugsy got a real big fine,
He ended up in court,
His big fine he could not pay,
He owed too much child support.

When Bugsy Lee ended up in jail,
He realized he couldn't win,
He spent his life as he willed,
So, all he did was sin.

In jail Bugsy met a guy named Stan,
He was Bugsy's only friend,
They talked a lot about their past,
Bugsy got it in the end.

THE THREE WISE WATERMELONS?

Three watermelons sat in one garden spot,
They were out in the sun and wow was it hot,
To cool down one used a lotion,
Another moved to the ocean,
The third got skin disease and rind rot.

BUSY BEAVERS STOP FISH MIGRATION (NOT)

Two busy beavers built a really big dam,

Right on the river where all migrant fish swam,

The dam fit real tight,

But, couldn't withstand dynamite,

Local rangers blew the dam up: Bam! Bam! Bam!!!

FOOD FOR THE WORMS

Most people believe it's wrong to be sad,

That we each have a purpose and for that, to be glad,

Each positive Pete with his bloated ego,

Thinks their purpose in life is all happy, no woe,

They believe they'll do good, curing famine, disease,

They'll do good works, and the masses they'll please,

But observing the facts the way that we should,

We evolved for a purpose, neither bad nor real good,

Most of our lives we sleep and we eat,

Turning our bodies into big bags of meat

Alas, we must come to the terrible terms, 

The reason we exist is to be food for the worms.

I THANK MY BANK LIMERICK

I went to the bank to modify my home loan,
I was offered an ink pen, a coffee, a scone,
Although, many papers I signed,
A few weeks later I'd find,
My interest rate and my debts had both grown.

WORM MOON

There was the big old Worm Moon hanging in the sky,

From above my head to the horizon, the little stars would fly,

There the Worm Moon stood as the winter waned,

All dark dimpled, its surface stained,

Till from the edge of the earth the daylights pry.

A LEPRECHAUN RODE HIS GOOSE TO TOWN

A leprechaun rode his goose to town,

His goose to town,

His goose to town,

A Leprechaun rode his goose to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his bunny to town,

His bunny to town,

His bunny to town,

A leprechaun rode his bunny to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his turkey to town, 

His turkey to town,

His turkey to town,

A leprechaun rode his turkey to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his hamster to town,

His hamster to town,

His hamster to town,

A leprechaun rode his hamster to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his lamb to town,

His lamb to town,

His lamb to town,

A leprechaun rode his lamb to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his tuna to town,

His tuna to town,

His tuna to town,

A leprechaun rode his tuna to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his chicken to town,

His chicken to town,

His chicken to town,

A leprechaun rode his chicken to town,

To the leprechaun party,

 

A leprechaun rode his goat to town,

His goat to town,

His goat to town,

A leprechaun rode his goat to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his turtle to town,

His turtle to town,

His turtle to town,

A leprechaun rode his turtle to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his chipmunk to town,

His chipmunk to town,

His chipmunk to town,

A leprechaun rode his chipmunk to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his gopher to town,

His gopher to town,

His gopher to town,

A leprechaun rode his gopher to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his parrot to town,

His parrot to town,

His parrot to town,

A leprechaun rode his parrot to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his black bear to town,

His black bear to town,

His black bear to town,

A leprechaun rode hs black bear to town,

And, the bear ate everyone at the party.

I'VE GONE FERAL

I've gone feral, living in these woods, 

I really fit in with the feral brotherhoods,

I walk on all fours,

My paws won't open doors,

I eat only fresh meat, not dry goods.

A POEM FOR ALL SEASONS

When I blow snow,

Away it will go,

I might be paid doe,

To buy a me a hoe,

For the garden, you know,

To keep the weeds low,

To make pickles grow,

So my plants don't feel woe,

Next, tie my shoes with a bow,

And the lawn I must mow,

Then I'll jump in my dingy and row, row, row, row.

DEEP IN THE FOREST I SAT

Deep in the forest was where I sat,

I had been ate by a bear and that was that,

I was now just a big pile of wet bear scat,

The bear had piled me tall because I was real fat,

Soon to be absorbed by the thick forest mat.

REAL ESTATE DELIVERED VIA USPS

I bought sight unseen an acre of land,

When I asked where it was I was told it had been canned,

My rented room filled with canned dirt the next day,

It cost me a fortune to haul it away,

Then, I bought beach property and got boxes of sand. 

COMPOST PILE FIRES HAVE CONSEQUENCES

My compost pile caught fire and burned down my garden shack,
Now when I'm done working I have no place to put tools back,
So, my tools lay in the yard,
Getting rusty, crusty hard.
And, I cannot replace them because the finances I lack.

CRAYONS AND NUCLEAR WAR, WITH POODLES NOODLES AND KIDS

We have a nuclear war and I've bought some noodles,

I can feed half my kids and all my pet poodles,

You know it's no vacation, 

Dying from radiation,

On the walls the kids crayon some doodles.

JOHNNY RINGNECK

Johnny Ringneck was a pheasant,
He was hunted by a peasant,
Johnny dodged bird shot, 
Which he did quite a lot,
But, Johnny lost some feathers in his crescent. 

THIS LITTLE PIGGY

This little piggy went to sleep,
His girlfriend dumped him and called him a creep,
A second little piggy went all the way home,
His wife gave him an ultimatum and said he couldn't roam,

The third little piggy stayed out all night,
Drinking and carousing and doing what is not right,
The piggy befriended a wolf and they became really tight,
The third little piggy vanished right out of sight,

If you are a little piggy you had best behave,
Or a wolf's stomach will become your nasty grave,
Don't be a creep, a drunk or hang out at the bar,
Stay home with your loved ones and you'll be their bright star.

THE TALE OF THE TURTLE, THE ONION AND THE BEAR

One day a large turtle was crawling along in the forest crushing all the plants in his path. Suddenly, out of no where, there came a high pitched shout, “Stop, Stop, Oh please stop oh great and mighty turtle”.

The turtle stopped abruptly and asked “Who is telling me, the great turtle of the forest to stop?”

“It’s me,” a little voice squeaked. I am the onion plant that is right in front of you and I don’t want to be crushed when you go over me.”

“Well little onion plant,” said the turtle, “I do not know why I should spare you but, I guess I can step aside and change my course slightly so I do not crush you.”

The little onion plant was so happy that he cried out with joy “Oh thank you, thank you or great and wonderful turtle. And for sparing my life, I will always be here to save you from your enemies>“

The turtle smirked a bit and said, “It‘s all well and good that you think you can save me from my enemies but, here in this forest no animal can get to me through my hard, protective shell. In fact, the only animals that can tear apart my shell and get to me are the bears and they are trapped on the other side of the river. They can never get across to this side because the current is just too fast.” With that, the large turtle continued on his way leaving the little onion plant unharmed.

A few weeks later there was a terrible storm. A torrent of water rushed down the river and away the dirt from under the roots of a giant tree. With no dirt left to anchor the roots, the mighty tree fell all the way across the river leaving a large solid bridge for the animals to cross over to the other side. There was one particular bear that noticed the new bridge. This bear had a fondness for turtle meat. He liked turtle meat so much that he had eaten every single turtle on his side of the river. The bear decided that he might find a turtle or two on the other side so he quickly made his way across the tree bridge.

Once on the other side of the bridge, the bear had no problem finding the large turtle that thought he was safe on his side of the river. When the turtle saw the bear coming the turtle quickly scurried away into the forest with the bear in close pursuit. It wasn’t long before the turtle came across the little onion he had spared a few weeks earlier. “Why are you in such a hurry?” the little onion asked the turtle.

“A tree fell across the river and now there is a bear on this side and he is hunting me. I don’t know what to do,” answered the turtle.

“Nibble a little bit off the top of my stem,” the onion said insistently.

“But I’m not hungry,” protested the turtle, “and besides, I’ve got to start running again or the bear is going to eat me.”

“If you want to quit running and get rid of the bear, nibble a little bit off the end of my green shoot. It will hurt but, I can always grow back another shoot but, I can’t grow back my friend.”

The turtle did as he was told. The stem tasted kind of hot and when the bear was right on top of the turtle and about to pounce, the turtle opened up his mouth and let the smell of onion breath hit the bear right in the face. The bear jumped back away from the turtle. “You stink. I couldn’t eat anything that smells as bad as you do,” the bear said in disgust as he walked away.

After that the turtle realized that he had a very good friend in the little green onion. Meanwhile, the bear returned back to his side of the river and told all the other bears there that the turtles on the other smelled so bad that they could not be eaten. After that, no bear ever ventured over to the other side of the river.

TIME IS NOT KIND

Time is not kind,
It brings no peace of mind,
Your muscles go gooey slack,
And there is that sharp pain in the back,
Your body is ready for an archeologist find,

For display in a museum on a rack.

DRIED, FLAKE POTATOES HAIKU

Dried, flake, potatoes,
Too dry, too wet, not good, bet,
Garbage, bread, easy.

JIMMY IS NO FISHERMAN

Jimmy used a jitterbug to try to catch a pike,
But, the only thing that Jimmy caught was his older brother Spike,
Jimmy used a silver spoon to try to catch a crappie,
But, the only thing that Jimmy caught was the ear of his old pappy,
Jimmy used a plastic worm to try to catch a bass,
But, the only thing that Jimmy hooked was his cousin's giant mass,
Jimmy used a squirrel-tail to try to catch a trout,
But, the only thing that Jimmy caught was Jimmy's great big snout.     
Now, Jimmy uses a coupon to purchase fish and fries,
Because if Jimmy keeps on fishing then, everybody dies. 

MY GOLDFISH NAMED BUGZY

I once bought a goldfish named Bugzy,
He really liked to kiss and hugzy,
He romanced my wife,
That ruined my life,
So I skinned him and made a fish rugzy. 
 

THE ZOMBIES

Zombies tend to snore a lot because they have no brains,

They attempt to fill the spaces sucking air with heaving pains,

 But, zombies do not snore all night,

To get brains they just need to bite,

Of course they cannot bite each other because that's what zombie law ordains,

Now, most zombies have lots of human friends,

And, the zombie decides when that friendship ends,

 The friendship ends mostly over lunch,

When the friend's skull gets a crunch,

Of course, once the friend's skull is crunched upon the friendship never mends.

PUDDING ON THE BASKET

Rich had pudding on his basket,

He did not know how it got there,

It tasted like tapioca,

With a trace of pear,

Rich had pudding on his bicycle,

He did not know how it got there,

It had features of a squishy Smores,

Except it had some hair.

RUG RASH AND BITE

I got a rash and an itch when I fell asleep on my rugs,

It seems my rugs are all filled with big, biting bugs,

They ate all my blood, my sweat, and my tears,

They even consumed the wax in my ears,

They ate up my whole body, so don't bother with hugs.

A LIMERICK MADE A BANKER LOOK BAD

A limerick made a banker look bad,
But, the banker got even not mad,
He took the limerick man’s house,
Bankrupted his spouse,
Now, the limerick man’s homeless and sad.

THE TRAGEDY THAT BEFELL MY BUD BRAD LIMERICK

It is extremely sad,
The tragedy that befell my bud Brad,
He ate angel food cake,
Then drowned in a lake,
Seems you are what you eat and that’s bad.