MY BAKING MAKES PEOPLE SICK

My blueberry muffins were not quite done,
After my friends ate them they all had to run,
Then, I baked a cake,
Which no one would take,
It seems no baked goods' patrons I've won.

LEAVE THE GOAT ALONE

I found a goat and took him straight to the fare,

I didn't realize he belonged to a backwoods bear,

Well, the bear came along,

He righted that wrong,

And, left my belly with a really big tear.

A FIGHT WITH TWO OR MORE GORILLAS

If you fight with two or more gorillas,

They'll each have 500 pounds over chinchillas,

Their bods are hard as a rock,

And, they will clean your clock,

Then, you'll take a dirt nap at one of the worm farming villas.

I COULD NOT PLAY MY TOOT, TOOT, TOOT

I could not play my toot, toot, toot,
My trumpet was broken but, not my flute,
Hence, I sounded a peep, peep, peep,
Which made the conductor weep, weep, weep,
So, out of the orchestra I got the boot.

"HEY BIG BEAR, I DON'T SCARE

A bear was out looking at my chicken koop wherein, lie my eggs,

I went to confront him and he stood up on his hind legs,

I said "you mister monster bear,

You are big but, I don't scare,"

 My son inherited the chicken koop less, the chickens and the eggs.

MY GOLDFISH AND THE PIE-HOLE

My goldfish were too big for their bowl,
I didn't have one larger to fulfill the bowl role,
So, I took my goldfish to the lake,
Where I thought they would take,
But, my fish ended up in a bullfrog's pie-hole. 

I WALKED THROUGH THE SHADOW IN THE OFFICE OF BAD BREATH

I walked through the office under the shadow of bad breath,

I turned away my coworkers:  Jim, Tom, Tim, Jane and Beth,

But, I did not get too excited,

Some days their breaths are blighted,

Besides, I'm the owner's nephew;  my dear old uncle Seth.  

TENT WORMS IN MY BRAIN

I fear that the tent worms are coming after me,😧

For I killed all the tent worms in my apple tree,🍎

They're drilling through my ears,👂👂

To muck up my brain gears,👩‍🎓📴

First I'm falling then, I'm crawling please, let my brains be 🆓.

NED GETTING CABLE LIMERICK

To get cable Ned needed a black box,
To hook it up Ned had to alcohol detox,
It was so complicated,
Just hooking up PG rated,
Ned cursed TV cable with "pox".

ADAM, HIS TRAILER AND THE POPLAR TREE POEMS

Adam lived in little tiny trailer,
His poplar tree had a structural failure,
It is too bad that Adam drank like a souse,
He was canned inside his own trailer house.

Adam had a trailer,
Under a poplar tree,
He passed out like a sailor,
Then, the tree fell on he.

CURE FOR AN UNUSUAL ITCH ON THE DOG

I have an unusual dog, 

I named her the Polliwog,

She done swum in the ditch,

Got a real awful itch,

So, I mud-packed her in a frog bog.

 

Polliwog Epilogue

Cured The Ditch Itch On The Bitch

THE BEAR SQUIRREL

My friend looks like a big bear and thinks like a dumb squirrel,

He forgets where he puts things like, the thing that makes his hair curl,

He remembers stuff wrong,

Like the words to a song,

And, clams give him the runs and the hurls.

SOUR DRINK HAIKU

Lemons, sour tea,

Sour Milk, Sour Coffee,

Whiskey sour, tears.

Top Down, Bottoms Up And, It's Over

Kyler and Roxy were happy soul mates,

They found it out at work, on dates,

A decaying love is a loss,

Covered quickly with green moss,

Red hot tempers would seal their fates.

I WONDERED, WHERE'S MY PARLOR

I wondered where my parlor was,
So, I searched my house with a double look,
But, I never found where the parlor was,
Although, I did find a little nook,

I called in a construction expert,
To show me my parlor's spot,
He said drive stakes in my yard's dirt,
Because a parlor I have not,

The expert said he'd build me one,
Just off the entryway,
But, money I have none,
So, the expert would not stay,

Now, I sit upon my porch out front,
Dreaming of the parlor that would never be,
But, one thing came from my parlor hunt,
I gained a nook and the price was free.

TYRANT ORANGE

When Donny was a little orange, he dreamed of a future day,

When Donny would be president and, have scary things to say,

He would threaten persons near and far,

And, be all bullies rising star,

But, he made too many people mad so, Donny went away.

Rugs and bugs and it's a new pillow for me

My pillow ended up way down on the floor,

I didn't hear it fall because I loud snore,

Now, My pillow is all full of bugs,

From my seldom cleaned rugs,

So, I'll buy a new pillow when I go to the store.

SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER LIMERICK II

Snapping turtle twenty feet wide,
In Skegemog Lake where you reside,
Are giant muskies the food you take,
Or, do you feed on the rattlesnake,
Whatever you eat had better hide.

BRAD ATE SPOILED HOT DOG RELISH

Brad ate a hot dog but the relish was spoiled,
His stomach couldn't take it and so it recoiled,
He had to repeat and repeat,
Until his upchuck was complete,
Now he won't eat relish unless, it's been boiled.

HAVE A COOKIE? MAYBE NOT

My hand got caught in my cookie jar,

I got it out but, it has a big scar,

My cookies are now cruddy,

All covered in my bloody,

And, my company just pulled up in their car.

THE SHARK RIPPED ED A NEW ONE IN THE BOTTOM OF ED'S BOAT

The shark knew he couldn't get Ed while Ed was on his boat,
So, the shark ripped a new hole in the bottom of Ed's float,
As Ed's boat went underwater,
Ed made like an otter,
Still, It was Ed's destiny to be by a shark, smote.

JOE THE SUNFISH

Joe the sunfish liked to eat lady bugs,
He liked eating worms and not so much slugs,
He liked his girlfriend best,
So, they built a big nest,
And, raised up a sunfish family with hugs.

JERRY DOCKED HIS BOAT UP TO THE QUAY

Jerry docked his boat up to the quay,
He wanted to unload it so to get on his way,
Alas, to Jerry’s great dislike,
There was a loading dock strike,
So, Jerry’s load just sat there all day.

A TIGER, A PIE AND THE FOURTH OF JULY

At a picnic on the Fourth Of July,
A tiger ate all of my apple pie,
I told him that in my heart there's no room,
For anyone who would wrongly consume,
And, that's when he started to cry.

🇺🇸 ON THE 4Th 2021 🇺🇸

I burned my hands doing sparklers then, I started crying,

I next played with fireworks and my fingers went flying,

And, my roasted hot dogs with buns,

Gave my visitors the runs,

But hey, it's 2021 and at least I am trying.

MY DOG HATES SWISS CHARD OR, IS IT JUST ME

I had a pet doggy named Fred,

He became vicious when he wasn't fed,

But, when I fed him Swiss chard,

He bit me real hard,

So hard I bled out and went dead.

MACY THE WHITE TAILED DEER-Limerick

Macy is a white tailed deer,
She crosses traffic when it's clear,
She will wait for days,
She will look both ways,
That's why Macy is still here.

A deer named Macy eats in sweet corn fields,
She angers farmers as she reduces yields,
They all want her to pay,
She outwits them each day,
Her cunning is the one weapon she wields.

PARADISE FOR SALE?

My trailer is starting to decompose,

The plumbing is shot so, I hooked the pump to a hose,

The roof leaks streams in the rain,

My caved in floors provide a drain,

I'd sell but, I'd owe money at close.

THE EATER OF BUGS PART II

Sid the Mantis was an eater of bugs,
He trounced on them and gave them no hugs,
In Sid's worldly view,
Bugs were just too few,
They taste great though they have ugly mugs.

The Little Living Brain

Though my family protested that I was insane,

I obtained a licence to fly an airplane,

Well, I let autopilot be my guide,

So, I could sleep on each ride,

Now, I swim in an ocean to keep a living brain.

DEATH OF A SPORTS CAR (NOT)

We went to the parade to celebrate Pride,

But, on the way there my Ford Focus, it died,

Good news, through the kindness of a stranger,

We road to Pride with his Ranger,

My little car didn't go but, it tried.

BARRY'S MARCHING BAND LIMERICK

Barry's band marched in a parade down the main street,

But, no one could tell their right from left feet,

They couldn't march in a straight line,

But, sounded just fine,

Even though, the drum major couldn't keep the beat.

TIME LOOP FROM HELL

I got caught in a really nasty, bending time loop,

I was stuck in the past when pop was hula hoop,

While, the stuff on TV, 

Made me just want to flee,

And, the food was just crackers and soup.

THERE ONCE WAS A BOATER NAMED FRANK

There once was a boater named Frank,
He kept running up on the bank,
He once missed the dock,
Slammed into a rock,
Of course then, his boat quickly sank.

A boater named Frank went out on the bay,
It thundered and lightning all of the day,
His boat motor got popped,
Into the water it dropped,
Then, Frank paddled home all of the way.

MY TWEETS BROUGHT MY POLL NUMBERS DOWN

I ran for public office and got run out of town,

I thought I was serious, they called me a clown,

I tweeted, "no money for roads,"

And, "let the people eat toads,"

So, my tweets brought my poll numbers down. 

USING HAIKU TO DEFINE YOUTH AND ADULTHOOD AS A BIOLOGICAL AND SOCIAL CONSTRUCT

Young, old, difference,

Young, flagellation, funny

Old, farts, annoying.

THEY SUCK BLOOD BETWEEN OUR TOES

I thought I'd give my friend some teaches,

As we walked along the beaches,

We found fossil stones,

Some carp fish bones,

Alas, between our toes sucked, leaches.

MY SQUIRRELS FAVORITE PIE

My piney, smelly cones,

They're the seed dispensers bones,

I pile them high,

And make the squirrels a pie,

Then, they eat the pie on down to the stones.

INSURANCE QUOTES FOR SQUEAKY DUCK FLOATS

In the canal there was nothing but boats,

All of them yellow like squeaky duck floats,

But, on the day of the storm,

The boats had a submarine norm,

And, were the subjects of insurance quotes.

ODE TO THE FLAVOR CALLED CHEDDAR CHEESE

Ode to the flavor called cheddar cheese,
For it is the flavor that aims to please,
Whether it's on top of french fries,
Or, hot apple pies,
Cheddar helps to spread severe heart disease.  

MY PUPPY QUINTON

I went to a party to celebrate Pride,

My puppy Quinton insisted, he stay by my side,

He perceives relationship dangers,

When I mingle with strangers,

And, he yanks on his leash to pull me from their side.

OPPOSITES ATTRACT

We went on a picnic to celebrate Pride,

You had diety foods and I had mine deep fat fried,

And, that diet special latte you drink,

Smells like the drain in our sink,

After that mouse crawled in it and died.

MY INGROWN TOE-NAIL

My ingrown toe-nail I can't lie,
Made my bug eyes cry and cry,
It was such pain,
I became insane,
I sliced off my toe nail with a wood plane.

THE CORN ROAST LIMERICK

Moose Gillies would brag and would boast,
About his annual summer corn roast,
But, this year he got bent,
When in the fire the corn went,
And, was burnt blacker than his wife's turkey breast roast.  

THE SNACK DOG

My puppy would only eat snacks,

Like cheese on tasty bacon cracks,

And, ice cream in a cup

Was his favorite sup,

He loved popcorn in big buttery sacks.

MY PUPPY HAD A BIG BOWL MOVEMENT

My pup moved his bowl from the mudroom to the fridge,

Then, he sat there next to it looking over the bowl ridge,

He ached in his soul,

For fridge food in his bowl,

He wouldn't have prevailed except for my kid sister Midge.

A ZOMBIE CAME AND ATE MY LUNCH

A zombie came and ate my lunch,
It was two root beers and Captain Crunch,
I asked why he didn’t eat me,
He said I was too smelly,
So, I gave that old zombie a punch.

DO NOT LEAVE PLASTIC CUP ON TOP OF WOODSTOVE HAIKU

Wood-stove, top, hot iron,
Plastic cup, wood-stove top, melt,
Fire, smoke, fumes, sick..

TAINTING THEN PAINTING: OYSTERS FOR SUPPER

I served some oysters that were tainted,

Result, my toilets my kinfolk painted,

Then, as my home filled with vapors,

I had to go buy toilet papers,

At last, with sights and smells, I done well fainted.

MY DRIP COFFEE MAKER DRIPS NO MORE

My drip coffee maker drips no more,

It's a holiday so, I can't get to a store,

And, without my coffee buzzy,

The world is looking fuzzy,

I guess I'll just pass out and fall on the floor. 

MY BLUEBERRIES ON HOLD

My dried blueberries were all full of mold,

I kept them in the crawlspace which is a bad place I'm told

So, I ordered more,

To be brought to my door,

But, the season is over so, my order is on hold.

I CUT A BUG IN TWO LIMERICK

With a knife I cut a bug in two,
Then from each half a new half grew,
Each bug gave me a bite,
The pain inspired an insight,
"Squashing the bug was the right thing to do".

THE TEXTING WHILE DRIVING LIMERICK

Texting and driving I just overdo,
That's why I crashed into the  bear cage at the Big City Zoo,
Then, all the bears left their cage,
Went on an eating rampage,
Now, the victim's families are threatening to sue. 

NO GINGERBREAD FOR WHEN I SLED

Someone ate my gingerbread,
That I had saved for riding sled,
Now, out through the snow,
I must hungry go,
Without being gingerbread fed.

VILLAGE WITHOUT INTERNET (A Curse of Witches)

I live in a village where witches are banned,

So, Sunday burnings of found witches is planned,

The witches curse us and wiggle,

As we towns folk all giggle,

And, the towering infernal is fanned.

PLEASE ZOMBIES, LEAVE MY BRAINS ALONE

Please, zombies leave my brains alone,
It took years of schoolwork to get them grown,
There are not that many there,
That I have any brains to spare,
Besides, my skull is a really rock hard bone,

Addendum:
Biting my skull is so uncouth,
Besides, you might just break a tooth,
You see for you zombies I really care,
So, go get your brain food from elsewhere.

WHEN IN A STUPID PLACE, DO AS THE STUPID DO OR, YOU'LL GET BURNED

My neighbor's mathematics uses just fingers and toes,

So, head sums brought me a witchcraft sentence of woes,

My neighbors burned me at the stake,

Then, my cows they did take,

When amongst the stupid, using your brain really blows.

PRACTICAL PETER AND HIS LITTLE BRO HARVEY

Practical Peter, the over eater, over ate so, that one day he wouldn't starve,

Practical Peter, with a girth of three meter, ate just meat that he carefully carved,

He selected meat young and tender,

From fat animals, none slender,

Practical Peter got an electric seater when, come up missing was his little bro Harv.

I CHEAT AND MUST GET PRESCRIPTION DRUGS

I fall for one type and, they are called villain,

They cheat on me and tell me to be chillin',

And, what is worse more,

When I try to even the score,

I end up being prescribed penicillin.

TWO MONKEYS IN MY BATHROOM

Two monkeys broke into my bathroom and they both used my toothbrush,

One monkey drank my mouthwash because that monkey was a lush,

The other chewed my toilet paper,

That was his major caper,

I'm so embarrassed by these crimes I think I'll be hush, hush.