THE HOUSE WARMING

My woodstove was in a really bad spot,
It was in the library with books and that lot,
Well my yard looks really neat,
The house burnt up quite complete,
All that’s left is the wood stove and pot.

HUNTING LEACHES FROM A PERCH

The leach knew he was in a lurch,

When the raven flew down from his perch,

But, a breeze full of smog,

Filled the bird's view with fog,

Then, the raven failed in his search.

THREE GEESE WENT TO A PARTY

Three geese went to a party,
They had too much to drink,
They picked a fight with three bad skunks,
And, really made a stink,

Three geese were taken to the jail,
For starting a big fight,
Because they were geese they had no bail,
This gave the judge delight,

The judge offered the geese jail for a year,
Or they could be hung off the big willow,
Or the gesse could leave court without a fear,
For the fine of one feather pillow,

The three geese sit in their little pond,
Naked and shivering cold,
Leaving the pond to drink and party,
Was just a little too bold,

Maybe, it's best to find adventure at home,
And, play video games and fish,
Maybe, they should not leave and roam,
Just trade cable for a new dish.

DERRICK AND HIS PET HAMSTER LIMERICK

Derrick kept a hamster for a pet,
The hamster was unstable and acted real upset,
It bit Derrick on the thumb,
His thumb swelled like a plumb,
Derrick decided a different pet he should get.

BLUE RIBBON ART BY MARVIN

Marvin threw up; we all took pity

But he thought his vomit looked real pretty,

He took it to an art show,

And what would you know,

Marvin won blue ribbon for his statement being witty.

I Fear A Big Boohoo, In Year 2022

When I look ahead of me,

Just confusion do I see,

2022,

Looks all askew,

Can't wait till it's 2023.

TO A MOUSE REVISITED AND REVISED

While digging in my garden,
I came across a mouse,
But, unlike old Robert Burns,
I loved to destroy his house,

Old Burns loved the mousey,
Felt sorry for his lot,
I might like the mousey too,
If I didn’t know his plot,

The little mouse sneaks in my house,
He contaminates my food,
He leaves behind his raisons,
I think that’s awfully rude,

The mouse runs across my bedding,
He fills it all with lice,
I itch and scratch and wheeze all night,
And, pay an awful price,

Robert Burns thought that mice were fine,
He felt guilt and didn't wish them ill ,
Burns made peace with all in “Auld Lang Syne”,
With mice I know I never will,

They can send all the mice to Scotland,
To stay with Robert Burns,
He’s out on cemetery road,
With the statues and the urns.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2022

At the stroke of midnight we were done,🔔

Into the past sank 2021,🎶🎶🎤

Now to struggle through,🍻🍺🍸🍸🍷🍺🍸🍸🍷🍷

The New Year, 2022,🌄

Hoping this year has less clouds and more sun.🎊🎉

MY HOME IMPROVEMENT PROJECT: FURNACE INSTALLATION

I installed my new furnace and gave it a lite,
Then I laid down and slept sound through the night,
But, I almost died,
From carbon monoxide,
It seems I did not install my furnace quite right.

A CRAWDAD GRABBED ME BY MY BIG TOE

A crawdad grabbed me by my big toe,
He pinched me so hard he caused me great woe,
But, with my new shotgun,
I just knew I had won,
The crawdad and toe vaporized with one blow.

SHERRY WAS A BOXED CHICKEN

Sherry my chicken, I put in a box,
To avoid my catching the chickenpox,
The box was an oven,
I broiled her with lovin',
And, garnished her with bright holly hocks.

THE BALLAD OF HAPPY PARKER, MAN OF THE SOUTH

Parker liked eating possum,

He baked it in his pie,

Parker liked his possum sandwiches,

On whole wheat bread, never rye,

Parker had the hiccups,

Parker had the farts,

Parker couldn't play baseball,

But was really good at darts,

Parker had a brother,

He smelled like fishy-trout,

Parker threw him in the river,

The gators ate his belly out,

Parker had six daughters,

Parker had an apple tree,

His daughters made apple wine for him,

So Parker was happy.

HOW I FEEL IN 2021

I feel like a drop of pee,

Floating in a turd filled sea,

No one really cares for me,

Because I smell like last night's tea,

Flush the toilet, set me free.

I WANTED TO GET ME SOME MEATS

I was tired of rice and beans as my primary eats,

So I went to a fast burger place to get me some meats,

But the burgers were so rare,

They weren't even there,

I guess the burger maker had sampled some treats.

PORK MAKES THE BEST BACON

I tried to make bacon by curing some eel,
But, the taste was lacking of any appeal,
I tried curing some snake,
The taste was too bad to take,
Only pork tastes like bacon that's real.

BUSY JAY JAY

Jay looked to the east,

Jay looked to the west,

jay chewed on grass,

Passed major gas,

Everyday, all day long, Jay sat on his nest.

THE DIET OF MY PORT BELLIED PIG PAL

The best friend I have is a port bellied pig,

He drinks only port wine and it makes him real big,

He eats mashed potatoes too,

He gravies them with paper glue,

He eats berries if they're shiny blue,

He likes to chew on auto parts but, only if they're new.

MY GUPPY HAD BABIES

My guppy had babies; it's so very nice to see,

She'll go back to her friends when she leaves maternity,

The babies move slow,

But, they'll be safe and can grow,

For mamas are hungry and can get quite naughty.  

TRANCING OFF WORLD

I had a friend who was a trancer,

She'd drink vinegar as a trance enhancer,

I knew she was way off world,

When her lower lip curled,

And, her left eyeball became a dancer. 

TICK SICK

Lots of people are getting the sicks,

Because they're being bitten by little ticks,

Of course gasoline, 

Got me really clean, 

But I should of stayed away from lit candle wicks.🚬

I'M WITH THE WEIRD AND CRAZY CROWD

So, ye many jeer the weird and crazy,

The slovenly and very lazy, 

But, they are such fun,

I've become one,

In the end we all feed our daisy.

YOU CAN ALWAYS BE A GARDEN GNOME, IF YOU NEED A JOB

I was told I was a really bad, bad bad, boy,

That's why on Christmas I did 't get one darn toy,

So I ran away from home,

Became a garden gnome,

Now scarring away little bunnies gives me joy, joy, joy!

I'M GAMBLING MY WAY INTO A HOLE

I watched football on Christmas Day,😯

My team lost, I'll have to pay,🤕

Because of my gambling plot,🤑

I have a pension, not,😲

I'll now work until I'm with worms and clay.😭

TAINTED TURKEY, A COVER CHARGE AND MALT BALLS: THE CHRISTMAS DINNER I PREPARED

The tainted turkey was not my fault,

I thought I killed the taint with extra salt,

My family gave me jeers,

For charging to drink beers,

And for chocolate covered balls full of malt. 

SANTA HAD A BARBEQUE ON CHRISTMAS EVE

Santa's sleigh was made of hydrogen, which put the sleigh in flight,

Santa's reindeer were gas balloons, that helped Santa's sleigh gain height,

Once Santa had a shiver,

Freezing lungs, kidneys and liver,

So Santa lit up his long pipe, and Santa's sleigh went burning bright.

MOM AND DAD TOOK MY PRESENT I GOT FROM SANTA LIMERICK

Santa left a present, but I don't think it is mine,

It is 15 gallons of spiced rum, but I am only 9,

I gave some to my dog Duke,

It made him gag then made him puke,

Then mom and dad took the rest and said it was divine.

SINKING DOWN ON CHRISTMAS EVE

It's Christmas Eve and I'm heading home from work,🚲

I got hit by a speeder and man, what a jerk,💩

He sped off, didn't stay,🚐

Leaving me sinking away,😠

In a ditch full of mud, crud and murk.🐊🐍🦀🦂🐙

SICK REINDEER AND DICK THE MOOSE

The little reindeer could not make the trip,

Flying in front of Santa's! ship,

The little reindeer called in sick,

Replaced by a moose named Dick,

While the reindeer gave tea the sip.

A BIRTHDAY FOR CHRISTMAS

I celebrated my birthday on Christmas Day,

On my actual birthday, no one stopped by my way,

Still, nobody came,

Is Covid the blame?

Or, my flawed character, as most people say.

OUR CHRISTMAS YUMMIES

On Christmas we eat frozen berries,🍓

And lots of nuts and cherries,🍒🌰

We never eat meat,🐔🐀🐿🐘🐖🐄🐩

From critters with feet,👣👣👣👣

We eat snakes or bugs, it varies.🐞🐞🐞🐍🐍🐍🐜🐜🐜🐛🐛🐛

A BAD MAN WITH BAD TEETH

I ate holiday candy until I was shaking,
Now, my bad teeth are constantly aching,
I know my judgment was real poor,
But, why should my mouth be so soar?

No wicked things have I ever done,
Except those things that were for fun,
I hid grandma’s dentures and teased the cat,
I put peanut butter on my brother’s bat,

I threw dad’s keys in the swimming pool,
So that day I couldn’t go to school,
I ate mom’s cookie dough when she turned away,
So, there were no cookies at church that day,

I sort of remember a girl on a swing,
I pushed her so hard she slammed into something,
And then, there was my very best friend named Stan,
He tripped into a puddle as by me he ran,

Then, there was my cousin in a canoe,
I toppled him over; he got black and blue,
Then, there was my dog, who liked to fetch sticks,
Throwing the stick over the fence was one of my tricks,

I guess some of the things I did were not nice,
But, I should be forgiven; I did few of them twice,
I did most bad things without a thought in my brain,
So, why am I racked with unending tooth pain?

.

PATTY THE CHRISTMAS WEREWOLF?

Patty was a werewolf,
She hunted night and day,
But, every year on Christmas Eve,
She guarded Santa’s sleigh,

When Patty snarled and barred her fangs,
She frightened away each highwayman,
And poachers kept quiet with their bangs,
Less they be bitten on the can,

Now reindeer meat is tender and sweet,
Its scent will make a werewolf drool,
So Patty bit one on the seat,
Santa thought that was just not cool,

Now Patty said she made a mistake,
And begged to keep her position,
Her family’s home they would forsake,
Her puppies would suffer malnutrition,

Now Santa always did what was good,
As an employer he was admired quite well,
Patty kept her job just as she should,
But, she had to plug her nose so she couldn’t smell.



,

I WENT TO MIDLAND MICHIGAN TO VISIT THE TRIDGE LIMERICK

I went to Midland Michigan to visit the Tridge,
But, then I got lost on the three legged bridge,
I just got the quivers,
As I watched below the black rivers,
I ran off to the land on the ridge.

THE AWSOME SUPRISE ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.

THE ELF KING WAYLAND THE SMITH

Wayland the Smith was the king of all elves,
He worked in Detroit making pistons and valves,
He got tired one day,
From his hard work at low pay,
So, he led his ilk to make cars for themselves.

REVENGE OF THE SNOWMAN

If you're going to travel far, far away,
In celebration of this grand holiday,
Beware the snowman in your garden pleasance,
Before leaving give him his share of presents,
If you don't he'll have something to say,
By filling with snow, your entire driveway.

NO GIFTS FOR A BAD SNOWMAN
Snowman do you deserve a gift,
When you make my driveway drift,
You need to get real,
Drift policy repeal,
Then my gift list just might shift.

BOB ROY AND SANT'A'S FROSTED SALTINE CRACKERS

Bob Roy had no time to bake,
Any Christmas cookies for Santa’s sake,
Bob Roy had frosting in a can but, no backers,
So, Bob Roy spread the caned frosting on some saltine crackers,

When Santa came down Bob Roy’s woodstove pipe,
He was covered with soot and had to wipe,
When Santa was done he looked for his traditional eats,
His glass of fresh milk and homemade cookie treats,

Now, Santa had brought Bob Roy something real nice,
It was a homemade jerky maker complete with jerky spice,
Old Santa’s belly needed some food and growled like a bear,
Then Santa found his gift snack but, could not believe what was there,

On the table surrounded with decorations ornate,
Sat many colored saltine crackers on a cookie plate,
Santa was hungry and could not hesitate,
So, all the frosted saltine crackers Santa downed away straight,

The saltines were dry so Santa guzzled down his milk,
Then he wondered what kind of people? What kind of ilk?
Would substitute saltine crackers for cookies anyway?
But, Santa knew he had to get back to his sleigh,

Santa left Bob Roy the jerky maker so Bob Roy would be happy,
Then, up the stove pipe Santa took off feeling kind of sappy,
In exchange for a jerky make complete with jerky maker spice,
Santa got saltine crackers and he thought he itched a bit with lice.

SANTA'S HAVING VENISON FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER

If I were Santa I'd buy some sheep,

Because reindeer are to costly to keep,

Of course, magic flying sheepy,

Might sound kind of creepy,

And chopping reindeer into venison, will make Santa's elves weep.

SARAH SUE II

Sarah Sue sailed out of harbor dock,
In the morning at about 10 o'clock,
A storm blew her off course,
And with the captain's remorse,
It sank when it was riped by a rock.

WHEN SANTA IS ALL UNEMPLOYED

When Santa sits around unemployed, 

He stares off into the void,
Soon lickety-split,
He jumps up, he can’t sit,
He must design a toy doggie droid.

THE TALE OF TWO TROTTER ON A POTTER

This be the tale of Mr. and Mrs. Trotter,

They liked eating raw oysters and otter,

They both spent much time on the potter,

They'd flush it away with much water,

Then they both laid down on the cotter,

MY FAILURE TO BAKE A GOOD CAKE

My cake was a bit overdone, 
The frosting was a watery run,
 And, the flavor I fear,
Was like old skunky beer,
And, heaving vomit for weeks was not fun.

THE FARMER IN THE DELL 2010-Limerick

There was a farmer who lived in a dell,
For him things did not go very well,
His pigs all had fleas,
The winter froze out his bees,
The farmer finally decided to sell.

The farmer in the dell owed money to the bank,
He could never repay it so, he was in the tank,
His stuff would not grow,
His cows starved in the snow,
His wife left saying he had himself to thank,

I HUNG UP MY SOCKS FOR SANTA

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way, then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.

THE CHEAP PLASTIC SLEIGH

Santa Claus bought a new sleigh,
It was made out of plastic they say,
When Santa sat down,
The  cheap plastic broke down,
He loaded his old sleigh on Christmas Eve day.

STOCKS ARE MY FAMILY'S FUTURE

Today my stocks took quite a stumble,

It seems their earnings have taken a tumble,

I guess the kids will grow up lean,

No tacos and pizza; just pork and bean,

I can't wait until Christmas to hear them grumble. 

WHEN THE ROOF CAVES IN

Heavy snows made my old roof go crash,
Without insurance, I ran out of cash,
So, I got a loan from a bank,
Watched my credit tank,
I still have my barrel of corn mash.
 

I AM REALLY A FISH: OUTFOXING A WOLF LIMERICK

While hiking I met a timber wolf named Sam,
He wanted meat to eat with his toast and jam,
I told him I was not a meat dish,
I was really a fish,
While he was thinking I decided to scram.

PORCH PIRATES RUINED CHRISTMAS

Porch pirates, porch pirates what have you done?

You've ruined the Christmas for almost everyone,

You've stolen our cheer,

For those presents were dear,

A day just sitting with family is not fun.

Tears On Toilet Tissue Issues

Mr. Smith used toilet tissues,

When he cried his eyes out over issues,

His life partner Beau,

Told Smith to go,

Smith now texts Beau all day with miss yous.😞😢😭

JENNIFER PLAYS THE VIOLA LIMERICK

Jennifer plays the viola,
But, she can’t get a gig with payola,
To support her boyfriend bob,
She needed a job,
She stocks shelves with lemon-lime cola.

RITZY, DITZY SPIDER

A ritzy, ditzy spider licked on a lollipop,

Along came a frog that went hop, hop, hop,

The frog ate the spider and drank soda pop,

So, ritzy, ditzy spider drowned in the frog's belly.

MY FRUIT CAKE IS NO MORE

I once had a fruit cake that lived under my couch,

He ate my dropped French fries and cuddled with my kitty named Slouch,

But, what the fruit cake didn't reckon for,

Was my new puppy named Lore

Lore swallowed the cake before the cake could yell ouch!!!

BARNEY WAS A PIG WITH HANDS AND FEET-Limerick

Barney was a pig with hands and feet,
He thought cloven hooves did not look neat,
But, with his feet and his hands,
He could be eaten in more lands,
So Barney the pig was served as meat.

BUGS HID UP MY NOSE LIMERICK

I washed my hair most every day,

To try to keep the bugs away,

But, they hid up my nose,

Wouldn't budge with a hose,

So, I got them with a bottle of spray.
 

A MOOSE NAMED PETE-Limericks

Pete the moose was ten feet tall,
But, his feet were just too small,
He could not run fast,
'cause his ankles wouldn't last,
So, a grizzly came by to call.

There once was a moose named Pete,
He was not real fast on his feet,
He ran into a bear,
The bear did not scare,
The bear had plenty to eat.

BLOWING SNOW, A WINTER TALE

I gave the snow a big blow I'd say,

I blew the snow far, far away,

Over to the neighbors yard,

Whom, I knew weren't home today,

Blowing snow is a big job,

Which I did quite well anyway,

I cleaned the driveway out myself,

And had no one to pay.

HOW I MAKE BEAR SCAT

I fell in a hole on top of a bear, 

He was hibernating, so I didn't scare,

But here's the thing,

I took a nap until spring,

And woke up in the belly of the bear.

SANTA'S DATE WITH A DRAGON

Santa has a broke red wagon,

So on Christmas Eve he'll ride a dragon,

And without fail,

This dragon tale,

Will keep Santa non-stop bragging. 

THE BAND CALLED PARENT TORMENT

Penny played the clarinet,
Phyllis beat the drum,
Patty tooted her french horn,
Mom and dad drank coke and rum.